The poetry of an overthinker

I don't know how nobody ever told you

How you hurt everyone

In the messy expedition for self-enlightenment

Feelings will be valid,

While actions remain unjustifiable

Leaving shattered fractions in a self-imploded wake

Refusing to drink the bitter truth

How can you be so grossly negligent to supposed loved ones?

Head stuck in the sand, unable to see your true reflection

A mirror with that power might scare you

Cracks across porcelain skin

I don't know how nobody ever told you

Not everything is fucking about you, hon

Rip out a heart with your perverted ignorance

Kill a journey where it could have ended kindly

Spewed entrails of emotion

Is it worth it now?

In a month?

A year or two?

When you ruin it all again, blinded by the wrong thing

Needlessly

Excessively

Wounding all that care

I don't know how nobody ever told you

Your story is not unique

You're just selfish

Inside your own little head

In your own little corner

In your own fucking world

How quickly you forget you were still supposed to care about more than your immediate needs.

Echoes me me me

To the quickly vacating audience

I don't know how nobody ever told you

People would kill for what you let go to waste

Earned through the privilege of support you didn't appreciate

So many people are more worthy of opportunity practically handed to you

Watch as they're sickened by your false perceptions

And overinflated self-righteousness

While you force everyone to make the decisions for you

Freed responsibility

Never the precipitator

Of your own situation

I don't know how nobody ever told you

The right way and the wrong way to do what you did

Every step step step

You chose it wrong

Pushing them off emotional cliffs

Not even you could handle understanding what you really wanted

I don't know how nobody ever told you

You hand wrote the worst fucking joke

Many walked a mile in shoes like yours

Never hurting others like you hurt them

How did you not know!?

And why should anyone even need to tell you?

Whose words unspoken

Sear from the inside

Forever playing The Fool

Refusing to read the chapter freshly written, now a road not taken

Pining for a greener grass

As the ink dries

And a bud dies

Just a man unknowingly starved

Of sweet verity

Her lips would burn him alive

Might he recognize in himself

The true depths of feeling

Just star crossed words on a page Home to hearts and minds that wander asunder Yet tread the same path

Us among the Secret Garden Where green can be gold everlasting

The truest repose This side of Eden has ever known Is tucked within crisp folds Captured by ink

(via The Sun)

THE SUN

When I behold you, I see the sun You’re like the rays beating down on lapping water Warming the surface and streaming through to caress the coldest depths of my sorrow

It may never be down here what it could up there, trapped within the forboding shadows of my mind But because I know you, I know warmth all the same Clouds may pass and block the path But still you’ll come another day

If I transformed to Icarus, knowing what would be when I flew too close to you, I’d do it anyway - I may burn, but you will shine on Its just that embracing for but a moment would be better than never feeling close to you at all

Yet..  maybe I am the sun A sun that’s blazing reach burns you, beautiful you venturing too close to me What then? Do you not feel the same when I am winged and soaring higher… If I hurt you with an overwhelming essence - red hot… Sides of a coin

A different me, a stronger me might be the person to protect you from such scorch that I too would willingly endure, reversed But I need you too much, selfishly - I am not another me

Knowing you best You’d stubbornly refuse to leave me alone in the desert I’m creating Depths of shadowed waters, drying up all the same

So I let you

Knife a scary face

Gut me, pull out thy innard

(via Wanderer - Halloween Special)

Bump in the night. Scraping of the door. Creaks through the dark. Goodbye safety, into the woods.

All alone. Trapped in waking nightmare. Limitless space closes in on your claustrophobic mind.

Phantom feelings shooting spineward, weaving through you. Creepy crawlies everywhere. Worming, squirming, in your hair. Brush away what was never there. Only lay all to bare.

Left with nagging worry, a wanderer in need of the unknown. 

Searching, scanning hungrily across the dark horizon.

There! Right there. Do your eyes deceive? In the distance… Silhouette. Silhouette. For what is this Silhouette?

Feet move unasked, Drawn to ominous object. Curiosity and the cat, On its nineth.

Goose bumps and short hairs standing on end. Petrified, you can’t look back. As if doing so, all is real.

Whilst shadows lurk in your peripherea, ominous presence lingers. Like a predator, watchful and patient. Irresistable. Turning, skittish by nature’s noises, Its just a bird, you tell yourself. Nothing there, in blackest depths of wooded canopy.

Tip toe, barefoot wanderer. Towards that strange thing. In the midst of dewy grass and the stench of decay, and mud caked feet.

In the moonlight now you see, A coffin it must be. Rattle, captive creature! But all is still. Just a little look-see, under that tree.

Scraping of the coffin lid, Creaking wood piercing through the dark once more. Bewildered eyes, the mirror, In sound, soul, sight. You see yourself, disembodied.

(via That Heavy Feeling)

Those honey colored summer days Filled with laughter.

I was so small when you handed me the whole world with your love.

Wagon rides And pizza covered faces.

The yard stretched for miles Or maybe it just seemed like it. Were you happy then? Smiling brighter than the sun. Could you have ever loved yourself as much as I love you?

I’m older now, aged decades in years. Not so naïve to the way we cover our sorrow with smiles. No one tells you that part.

People finally talk about what your generation was taught to hide. Those personalities bigger than the world, Secretly pained and self hating. Feeling deeper, but never showing. ‘Always happy’, they called you, Smiling, never sad. If only.

I never would have guessed it. Until you confessed it – how deep it grew. In the things you contemplated When we kids moved out.

So many more things I could have said, if I’d mindfully abided my time. Knowing there was a clock whose alarm would come sooner. Never guaranteed the number of years we were sure we’d get with you.

Hardest is the left behind. Where the ‘what if’ rings in my ears. Miles between us when I got that call.

We had plans and holidays. Hugs and crappie food we shouldn’t eat so much of; family days headed our way.

Yet, the last time I hugged you had been nearly a year. A year. I remember hugging you longer that last one, thinking it could be that last one, but not knowing why it was that last one. That last one.

Three years later, I mourn the simple deleted voicemails gone in the universe without you. Fingers autopilot, pulling up your phone number with no one on the other side. I don’t delete you from the favorites. The family videos sitting vacant with the voice that brings me to tears, waiting for those painful nights.