darling, be daring

no offense but check yes juliet kill the limbo i’ll keep tossin rocks at your window

Big!!! Steppy!!!

Taking her job very seriously

it's always "did you really need to burn down your workplace to prove a point" and never "how was the revenge arson? did you have fun doing revenge arson? were the flames pretty?"

im not the same person i was when I pulled that meat out of the freezer this morning. I've changed. i don't have that in me anymore. ive moved on

so i hauve covid rn and i must say, American cold medicine is the absolute bees knees. You go to a UK pharmacy and they tenderly press like eight (8) paracetamol into the palm of your hand... God FORBID you're sick in France, i had to scour every pharmacy in Paris for something that wasn't HOMEOPATHIC PASTILLES. meanwhile last night i took the last of my stash of Nyquil that expired in 2019 and it was like getting hit by a fucking baseball bat (affectionate). press X to timeskip. LOVE me a cheeky little medically induced coma. you can really feel that it's a precursor to meth. i know that everything is fucking awful over there my friedns and my heart goes out to every one of you but if you need one small bright light of national pride in this time of strife please know that i envy you your cold medicine every day

i once took an american antihistamine pill just a basic one for seasonal allergies and i had to immediately lay down and while doing so i vividly hallucinated that i was a steerage passenger on the titanic resigned to my death as my cabin filled up rapidly with water. then i blacked out and when i woke up again my allergies were gone for the entire season.

#we can't afford to see a physician but we do get to see the hat man (via @spiders-hth-is-an-outlier)

i told my dad the joke “dad jokes are just mom jokes that a man repeated louder” and he thought it was hilarious. he turned to my mother, intending to relay the joke to her, and a bare second after he opened his mouth i watched it dawn on his face that he was about to become the subject of the joke. when i tell you that man was slackjawed as he turned back to me, like he had an entire life altering realization in the span of about 20 seconds.

inshallah he will be drank

Just sitting around the house thinking about making a Mr. Darcy meme where the punchline is somehow “roses are red, violets are blue, IN VAIN HAVE I STRUGGLED. IT WILL NOT DO”

Notice there hasnt been a wednesday this year

Suspicious.

Six days and still no Wednesday. I think it's safe to conclude that there will be no more Wednesdays ever

This just in: Wednesdays canceled around the globe

Guys. I have news. Something happened.

does anyone know if we have to feel really guilty tomorrow