Unwanted pregnancy did ruin my mother’s life. She became pregnant in a time before abortion access was widely available in my country (it is still not widely available in my region because the provincial governments all are in violation of federal law, but that’s another story). And I have been blamed for that literally since before I was born.
What pisses me off about prolifers is that they think BABY auto-magically erases all hard-feelings about basically having your body legally violated for 9 months. And I speak from the kids’ experience when I say: it doesn’t.
Oh, sure, a forced parent might say it all turned out for the best. And they might say they love their kid. And the last part might even be true. But when they’re pissed off with their (unwanted) kid, you know what will come out?
Their wants and dreams that were unfulfilled. “I would’ve been a doctor if not for you!”
Or the circumstances of the pregnancy. “I didn’t plan on having you. You were a mistake!”
And there will be all these snide offhand comments with significant glances that even if you’re the most socially oblivious person in the world (me), you’ll pick up on some of them because there’s just so many. “Sometimes, you just have to take responsibility and make the best of a bad situation.” or, “my little ‘oops’ kid!” or “my little mistake” or what have you. They add up. They send a message that is so strong you can’t help but receive it.
Do you know what it feels like to have your very existence resented?
Do you know what it feels like to be unwelcome in your parents’ lives?
Do you know what it feels like to be unwanted?
If you don’t, shut the fuck up about best interest of the child. Shut the ever-loving fuck up right the fuck now.
Do know what’s in the best interest of an actual child? Growing up loved. And safe. And wanted. And welcome.
I do not want even one other kid to grow up knowing that their parents would be happier if they never existed. I don’t want any other kid to grow up feeling the need to say, “It’s not my fault I was born!” or “It’s not my fault you didn’t go back after!” I don’t want any other kid to grow up blaming hirself for hir parents’ unhappiness. I don’t want any other kid to grow up feeling personally responsible for the happiness of everyone in the family, since they were the one to ruin it all in the first place.
I don’t want any other kid to be treated like shit while their wanted siblings get whatever they want and much more lenient treatment and then be gaslighted about whether or not their parents play favorites. I don’t want any other kid to run all situations past friends or extended family to make sure they’re not just imagining it, because they’ve been made to doubt their own reality so damn much. I don’t want any other kid to be set up to fail over and over and over and over again until they believe that they are what’s wrong with the family.
I don’t want any other kid to grow up like that. I refuse to raise a kid like that. And the only way to guarantee I can avoid raising a kid like that is to have absolute control over when I reproduce. If I ever have a child, my child will be a wanted child. Come hell or high water. I will not put a kid through what I went through.
Prolifers hate to admit it, but the fact is this: abortion access isn’t just in the best interests of parents, it’s also in the best interests of kids. Kids who are the result of unwanted pregnancy are more likely to be abused. Preventing unwanted pregnancy thus helps reduce child abuse. Abortion is a last-resort way of preventing unwanted pregnancy. Because when you have access to abortion, and unexpected pregnancy resulting in a baby changes from a mistake that the parents had no choice about following through with to a chosen addition to the family who happened to come at an unexpected time. Pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood immediately transforms from an unwanted, dangerous, and burdensome social obligation to a choice each pregnant person gets to make. Give a person control, and even if their decision is to go through with a thing they’re uneasy about, they will be happier with that choice than they would’ve been if coerced. And a parent who is happier with their parenthood is a better parent.
That? Makes a huge fucking difference.
Kids like me are why Dr. Morgentaler in Canada had the second half of his motto. His motto was “Every mother a willing mother, every child a wanted child.”
Which is exactly what I want. I want every parent to be willing, and every kid to be wanted and loved.
ellievsbear
jbbartram-illu
blakekathryn
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