Daydreaming Skeptic

wired: Aziraphale IS gay because he’s still living in the 19th century and sees gender and sexuality as inextricably tied together

There’s a post going around that advocates giving clowns only real helium balloons. I’m not going to link to that post, because I don’t want the OP getting any hate. The balloon misconception is SUCH a common one I don’t think any one of us can say we didn’t fall prey to it at one point or another. But, the fact of the matter is, helium balloons are not good enrichment for clowns.

Firstly, they’re not sustainable. Helium is a rapidly depleting resource. Secondly, clowns like balloons because they mistake them for their eggs. A clown bouncing a balloon around on a string is taking care of its ‘baby.’ Clown eggs are brightly colored spheres that float around at shoulder-height, if healthy, and are transported by the parent by means of a filament. Balloons mimic these incredibly well. That is why clowns find balloons on the ground so distressing - a downed egg contains a sick embryo. The despair they experience when one floats away is that of child loss, and I’m sure you can imagine why they’re so distressed when one pops. That’s why malevolent breeds are predisposed to the act! All balloons “die”. They cannot hatch. Every experience a clown has with a balloon, however happy at the outset, ends in tragedy. They are not good enrichment items, no matter how busy they keep a clown.

So what are some alternatives? If you have two or more clowns of any social breed, then toys like custard pies, water squirters, and air horns make excellent entertainment. Note: Most common breeds are social. If you are keeping a social breed singularly, you MUST play with it for several hours a day at the bare minimum. While these breeds tend to adore balloons the most, the repeat psychological trauma they suffer because of them is not worth the easy out. If you keep a breed that prefers a solitary existence, they will get the most out of things like juggling supplies and balance balls. Make sure they have a safe space to play with these in when you aren’t home to supervise. All breeds need human interaction. A few times a week you need to show your clown you appreciate it - that’s the best enrichment of all. Remember that some methods of training result in ‘unusual’ reactions to the four quadrants - most commonly, +P will become “rewarding” - and some performance breeds innately make that connection, so research the right way to reward your clown.

Ok. So for starters my post was specifically about not giving your clown air balloons on sticks because obviously those achieve None of the enrichment of a floating balloon because the moment they let go of the stick it’s - as you said - like their egg has become sick and will cause significant distress every time this occurs. You’re also right in saying that a wilting helium balloon can cause the same stress, and both types can lead to balloon dependency neuroses.

HOWEVER I will never advocate for balloonless clowns. Here’s why:

Custard pies and flower squirters are absolutely NO substitute for stimulating a clown’s parental instincts. As you rightly pointed out, clowns are highly social creatures (solitary breeds are another story, and not what this post is about) and never more so than when kept in a family unit (or Alley) as in the wild. If you want to keep genuinely happy clowns without engaging in irresponsible breeding (seriously, get your clowns neutered) then they NEED egg substitutes. There’s absolutely no arguing it, clowns without balloons do not live full lives.

As for helium balloons gradually deflating, that is a matter of poor clown husbandry. If you’re letting balloons go down you aren’t taking good enough care of your pets, it’s that simple. You should reinflate or replace your clown’s balloons at LEAST twice a week. Clowns are notoriously stupid for comic effect (Why do you think we call people “Bobo the Clown” when they do something dumb?) and will not notice if you swap out their balloons so long as you pick a suitably comedic moment to do so, (After a face pie or prat fall are the easiest)

As for helium being rare?? Repeat after me: