31 ♡ Kiwi ♡ R18+

I will spend my forever apologising if you would like to spend your forever hearing me

Trying to unravel whatever has been happening in my head for the last 6 months and just unravelling as a human being because I'm pretty certain I've been in a state of psychosis for most of that time. It has been absolutely terrifying being more out of touch with reality than I ever have been. I am still trying to ground myself and I am just repeatedly crashing into the ground instead. I feel like an already dead person dying over and over again trying to revive myself.

My head lays in a lap that is smaller than it, my tears are wiped away by small hands, and the weight of my sadness is being caught by the small growing human that is my child. I cry and tell him thank you for being by my side while I am sad. He says "you are there for me when I am sad, and I am there when you are sad. It's like, a thing" so calmly and confidently, fully capable of reassuring me in the same ways I always reassured him. I didn't think he would have to reassure me and comfort me so young, so small, still growing. I suppose I am still growing, too.

Every day I wake up nauseated and in pain as if my body remembers the heartbreak before I have a chance to, and every night my body still expects to hear keys at the door at 6pm and stresses out when it never does because it knows that means another lonely night. So much of someone else is woven throughout my nervous system and I'm not sure how to untangle myself from him. My reality still feels so skewed and distorted and I just want to be held for a little while to help ground myself again as the world starts to spin a little slower again. I feel so disconnected from this world, I miss being held so softly instead of feeling like my skin is made of fire.

Hearing my son process my break up over the last few days has been heartbreaking. "He did good things, and he bad things. It's so confusing. He put plasters on my cuts and read books to me but he would ignore you to scroll on his phone in the corner all the time. It is so confusing that my head hurts". Oh my sweet, empathetic boy. It has been confusing and painful for my head, too. I'm so sorry you have to feel those consuming confusing feelings. "And I still miss him so much". Yes dear, I do, too. And we will for a long time.

Listen, I am a great librarian because I am very good at keeping and categorising books. Don't ask me if I've read them, I'm too busy Keeping them. It's the same thing as collecting craft supplies but never actually doing the crafts themselves. Which I also do, so