Just Another Cottager

anyway they're all sitting around a fire pit having cunty little cocktails or smth and just enough has been consumed that the convo turns scandalous. someone (we'll say his stylist) is waxing poetic about her gorgeous new fwb and their equally gorgeous friend and says "that's a sandwich i'd love to be the jelly in."

and shane - tipsy but ever present - his ears sort of perk up puppy style across the fire like, "sandwich...?"

which inspires this whole conversation about handsy threesomes. and shane's gonna be honest, in theory that sounds hot. he's had his fair share of late-night jerk offs around the idea, don't get him wrong. but he's got ilya locked down - he's not sniffing around for a third. the concept, however...the physical sensation of being caught between two hot sweaty dudes? yeah that's juuuust enough to get him zoning out into the fire, tipsy mind having a field day filled with sweaty muscles and tight, delicious pressure crowding him in on all sides.

ilya recognizes this look in an instant, of course. he's sitting right next to him after all. "making your imaginary sandwich in front of your husband..." he tsks, but it's all in good fun. he's obviously very interested, just like everyone else who has tuned into the convo because shane's kinda-

"panini..."

"what?"

"meat in a panini," he drowsily explains, in what he thinks is a perfect and impressively cohesive explanation of the image in his head right now. "absolutely fuckin' crushed..."

ilya can't even pretend to be surprised because he knows his man. and his needs. and his frequent desires to be smashed into oblivion under ilya's full weight. not even fucking him, most times. just squeezing him. pressure for pressure's sake. "ah... of course." this makes perfect sense. even if the rest of the group doesn't seem to be following. "and who is bread for your meat, my panini?"

that gets a couple giggles, but shane is fucking locked in, brother. like he's making plans already. "well you, obviously."

"obviously." okay thank god. "and who else?" he's reaching out to run his fingers through the back of his husband's hair while he speaks. "who will help me keep you still? maybe bood would if we-"

"marleau."

ilya pauses. blinks. "what?"

"cliff marleau," shane says. as if ilya is seeking clarification on which marleau is being discussed and like-...

ilya tilts his head and it's a little judgy. he knows. like the careful tone he carries with what he says next but like...hello? "sweetheart, cliff marleau fractured your collarbone and put you in hospital..."

no no listen to me. listen to me. the sports is exactly the point. like, if this were a sport where you need to cut weight like MMA or something, sure, there's some calorie restriction going on. but hockey??

the main problem these guys are going to have is that eating enough calories to maintain their muscle mass is both time-consuming and exhausting. there's a reason nhl teams are constantly giving these guys food - it's a full time job to keep them fed.

the average relatively active person needs, we know, about 2000 calories a day. hockey players can burn over 1200 calories in a 90 minute game. and it's actually super complicated for them to consume enough calories that they won't actually pass out on the ice without also having to use the bathroom during a game!! that's why fat stores are so important for hockey players - that and because during a playoffs run it's actually impossible to balance calories-in-calories out and they WILL be losing weight for the duration of the playoff run, so they need weight they can lose without eating their own muscles.

within 30 minutes after a game, a 200lb/90kg pro hockey player should consume 90-120g of carbs and 20-30g of protein or else they will not be able to maintain their performance. for reference, that's a little less than half of what a reasonably active non-athlete of the same weight should be eating in an entire day.

Bonus bonus: Adrian and Sasha never talked about past partners enough to realize their connection, until the threeway with Luca when in idle conversation they ask what he does (cuz he's Fit) and he says he's a hockey player and that's just enoug for one of them to ask where and he says Ottawa Centaurs and Adrian goes "Troy’s team?" and Sasha goes "Ilya’s team?" And revelations are had all round, until Luca needs another drink (or something)

HEEELLPPPP I LOVEEEEE!!!

You know I always gotta throw my favourite doll Luca into the mix whenever possible so this is PERFECT!!! Let Luca have his crazy slut summer with truly the two worst people imaginable!!!

He's almost forgetten about it when she starts eating solids and suddenly has food all over her face, all the time, and very occasional do the crumbs of graham cracker resemble freckles. She's an entirely unique creature and Ilya couldn't possibly love her more, even if she had Shane's freckles.

They feel it in the water, they feel it in the earth, they smell it in the air, and the 'it' is a huge hot top built like a brick fucking wall who could definitely throw them around a little, and they basically gleefully kidnap him.

Cliff learns a lot of things that night - about fruity drinks, about gay group sex, about the prostate, about himself - and when he sends a fucked-out selfie to Ilya in the morning, he is clearly naked and also clearly surrounded by equally naked and very non-feminine bodies. He is grinning, and there is no caption except for an eggplant emoji and a heart.

Ilya lies in bed next to a lightly snoring Shane and wonders numbly what chaos he has unintentionally wrought for the mlm world across Boston (and across every city with an NHL franchise).

off script additions + jacob using what his actors give him

Shane: you don't know what state the Carolina Hurricanes are in?

Ilya: Well I know from name is one of them.

Troy: I don't think its East and West Carolina, that doesn't sound right...

Ilya: No it is East and West, like East Virginia and West Virginia. Trust me I lived in United States for 8 years.

Dykstra: You never hear about things happening in East Virginia.