semi-pro heartbreaker

IDK WHAT I WANT OR WHO I WANNA BE !!!

Sometimes, in the weeks before the hardest shit you’ve ever had to do in your life, some stupid movie with a single accompanying long fic grabs you by like. I think it’s the spine. Or the intestines. And rattles you around, dunks you in the river, smacks your head against the wall a few times, shrieks in your face about some totally unrelated fucked up shit like killing his coworkers and himself and his abuser and maniacally driving around his bum home town because he would do anything to be free, he’s doing everything he can think of, except escape, and the conclusion you come to after all of that is like. Oh I think I’m gonna be fine. I think I’m equipped to handle my shit, actually. I can be done thinking about my silly little life for a while, since everything that guy has going on is way more interesting and also the conclusion he came to after all of that was that life was worth living, so he might be onto something. But really at the core of it was some author looked at a pretty normal thriller with a few interesting face journeys and decided they were going to take the time to sit with those characters for as many chapters as it took and make them real full bodied people worth caring about, which if one can have that sort of compassion for Guy From Movie, imagine what one could feel for Actual Humans. What if your heart was that huge? Or huger !!

I’m having a normal one I’ll tell you that much

I one time received a text that was intended for Jane Schoenbrun. The humiliations of existence in this godforsaken state, or perhaps just as me generally.

AND THATS WHY [i am dragged off stage]