Vampires Facts

“Do dishes” and “take out trash” both require the use of a spell slot, vs “use phone” is a cantrip, and brother, I am a level one wizard

very important for elf characters to freak the fuck out about the aging difference thing and pre-grieve like crazy and scream themself hoarse with denial when they can’t stop death itself and they still look the same as when they met the frail aged body that’s going cold beneath their touch and eventually settle into a numbness that they’ll call acceptance but they never really let anyone get as close as they did in the first century of their life unless they know they’re going to stick around as long as they will

“why are elves so snobby and exclusive and cut-off from everyone else” befriending you means they’ll end up burying you and your children and your grandchildren and they’ll still be young. exactly how many times do you think you could choose to do that. if you live through enough centuries, eventually you run out of days in the year to visit each grave.

remember to bury the dead with a phone, everyone. these days the ferry terminal at the river styx wants you to download a fucking app

the king has abruptly fired 60% of his wizard staff, so he’s about to be abruptly surprised at who floated 100% of his formerly floating sky castle

I heard they're planning to maintain their levitation rites with autonomous constructs from now on, saying wizards are going to be totally obsolete within the season... so, ah, I'd invest in falling island insurance.

steps out of the shower completely dry after parrying every drop of water with my bathroom greatsword

bro your loyal knight smells like shit

I told a guy his total was 13.21 and he said “wish it were that year, could actually get some good music on the radio”

breaking news from the AP, our boys on the front have just sacked constantinople. take that, heretics. coming up next are the soothing lute dirges of bing crosby

I’m soooooo embarrassed. My lord told me “good night,” but I thought he was calling me a good knight, and, well, you could hear it clink against my codpiece.

"I hate when the skeletons on decorations aren't anatomically accurate." A Halloween skeleton isn't the same as what's inside you, idiot. It's different. A Halloween skeleton is, like. A guy or something. It's an animal.

If Halloween skeletons had bones like ours instead of hollow bones like that of a bird, they wouldn't be able to play their ribcages like xylophones. You sound so fucking uneducated right now.

rip to athenian sacrificial virgins but i’m different

i would be found by the minotaur in the labyrinth and i would remain still and not show fear nor aggression and allow him to approach me and i’d slowly reach out my hand for him to sniff and perhaps even lick and he’d ponder the hand for a moment and the let out a big soft snort and id pet his nose and then his head and he’d lean in closer and id massage behind his ears and he’d close his eyes and we’d sit against the dark cold damp labyrinth wall with his head in my lap as he revels in the first friendly touch he’s known since his mother last dared to touch him so many years ago and after some time he’d reach out and start to tentatively rub my leg in an attempt at reciprocity, his hand clumsy and unpracticed at the act of gentle touch, and id lower my head and press a light kiss on his temple, and there in the prison crafted expertly to contain him, only him, only ever him for the rest of his life, the minotaur would feel warmth enough to remind him that though he may be a beast, he is no less worthy of love than the rest of us

oh yeah. and then we’d fuck nasty