suffering

i’m so frustrated and angry at people in my life and theres absolutely no point in telling those people how their actions are affecting me because it gets me nowhere, they don’t change and it just leads to me being more pissed off and crying because why do i even fucking bother

i hope you think its your fault. i hope you feel horrible. everything has gone to shit and i hope you blame yourself. i hope you hate yourself for everything and i hope you regret your behaviour

it feels like only 3 people actually want me in their lives and thar realisation is devastating

suddenly it feels just like it did in school, no friends, crappy family and barely clinging onto life

im so tired of being so lonely

im never anyone’s first choice and i accepted that a long time ago but why does it hurt so bad when everyone just walks away

nobody actually told me what im supposed to do when i’m upset i just got locked in a room when it became too much of an inconvenience for others to handle and had to figure out a way to stop drowning, most of the time my solution was just to switch off, just stop feeling. now it’s the only thing i know what to do. im upset? lock myself in my room and stop talking to people until i can switch it off or until i can just leave

someone he loves died and im over here being a massive fucking burden bc i cant even fucking look after myself like a fucking invalid. he cries himself to sleep most nights but wont even let me try comforting him bc he cant trust me with his grief. he wants to leave me, i can feel it in my goddamn bones but he wont bc theres too much shit happening for him to be able to do it guilt free. i don’t want him to feel burdened by my pathetic issues anymore bc it’s just so painful but i just dont know how to tell him he can leave anytime he wants and he doesn’t have to feel guilty about it. if i kms i kms thats not on him not anymore. i want him to be free of me before he resents me

im impulsive, i dont want to eat, im being reactive and i keep crying at everything but yeh yknow im doing alright (im casually loosing my mind)

i cant tell if my actions are my own or my mental illnesses and i dont know what to trust anymore

i actually just don’t want to exist

dont know why i even fucking bother with anything anymore its not like it doesnt all end in disappointment

i keep wasting my energy on people who dont even care about me and i dont know how to stop

i feel like every relationship (friendship/romantic relationship) i have is so one sided and nobody actually cares and its ruining my life