I’m Gonna Be Your Byzantine Bitch

what do you mean “what’s wrong with him”? he’s mentally ill. he’s catholic. he’s even gay

I’m a magician in the sheets 😏 *pulls a rabbit out of my pussy*

-Mary Toft, 1726

Hold on I need to look something up

What

yeah. sorry

Pisses me off how good Shakespeare actually is. Like yeah he's actually that good. People hype him up like he's the best English writer ever, and yeah he's actually an S+ tier writer.

Insane that he did all that while naming his characters shit like Count Evilcount and Peter Penissex.

it remains insane that he wrote a love sonnet hinges on the idea "you will live forever because this sonnet, specifically, will be remembered for all time" and that sonnet, specifically, became so famous that it serves as a synecdoche for the very concept of poetry. world historic called shot.

I feel like 90% of "ancient curses" are probably adequately explained by the fact that the self-proclaimed adventurers who ostensibly fell victim to them were, as a class, a bunch of dipshits who engaged in frequent international travel in an era before antibiotics and vaccines. Like, the list of novel pathogens these guys were risking exposure to on a regular basis was effectively "all of them". That's gotta leave a mark.

if you or a loved one has been diagnosed with the pharaoh's curse

the author's barely disguised hobbies and interests

my beautiful infant son Untitled Document

not even JRR Tolkien, who famously developed the concept of the Secondary World and firmly believed that no trace of the Real World should be evoked in the fictional world, was able to remove potatoes from his literature. this is a man who developed whole languages and mythologies for his literary world, who justified its existence in English as a translation* simply because he was so miffed he couldn't get away with making the story fully alien to the real world. and not even he, in extremis, was so cruel as to deny his characters the heavenly potato. could not even conceive a universe devoid of the potato. such is its impact. everyone please take a moment to say thank you to South Americans for developing and cultivating one of earth's finest vegetables. the potato IS all that. literally world-changing food. bless.

Look if he's getting Wi-fi or Reception out there in the ass-end of nowhere, that's a straight-up miracle. I'm sold.

Today I couldn’t remember the word “insubordination” so I told my mom my old supervisor accused me of “mutiny but not on a boat”.

whoever wrote this paper has the funniest phrasing possible

happy turtle bit off a cop’s toe in the hudson river day for those who celebrate