Won't You Take Me To...

In fact, I love wordplay of all kinds. Teenage me was fascinated to learn all the types of figurative language there are in poetry and literature.

But paperwork and questionnaires are hard, because there's so much they don't state clearly. Or they don't leave room for enough nuance.

"List all the jobs you've had, with start and end dates." What if I don't remember the exact day or month? Is the year enough?

"Have you been suffering from blurred vision?" Well, if I take off my glasses the whole world is blurred, but I'm fairly sure that's not what the intake form at the optometrist is asking.

Or the infamous (and infuriatingly stereotypical) "Would you rather go to a library or a party?" What sort of party? Where? Who's there? I work at a library. Am I currently at the library for work or pleasure? Does it have a good collection?

“It’s fine”

“It’s fine”

“It’s fine”

*complete mental breakdown because you can’t do this anymore*

This is manipulation and abuse. The polyamory thing is so incredibly beside the point -- if they will threaten to punish you for asking one question they don't like, then chances are they will threaten/punish you for asking any question they don't like.

It might not always be physically violent: Someone breaking down into hysterics every time you try to communicate your needs/wants/idle hypothetical curiosities, to the point where you feel afraid to start a good-faith conversation about your relationship because they will blame you for causing their feelings -- that is still manipulation and abuse.

If you feel like there's no "right way" to advocate for your own needs without causing a catastrophic meltdown in your partner, or if you are afraid of your partner's patterns of emotional response in any way, that is a symptom of manipulation and abuse. If you feel like you have to be constantly hyper-vigilant about every word you say for fear of hurting them, that is a symptom of manipulation and abuse.

Get out or get help. You are not the bad guy. You are not the bad guy. You are not the bad guy. You are not obligated to stay with someone who has threatened you, threatened themselves as a way of controlling your behavior, or otherwise made you afraid like this. YOU ARE NOT THE BAD GUY. YOU'RE NOT.

If you are in this situation, please consider telling a friend, a trusted mentor, a parent, a therapist, etc about what's happening. There may be resources in your country for domestic violence services to help you get out if you need to leave and feel like you can't. (Also please note that although I have used the word "partner" here, you can replace that word with any other word ("friend", "boss", "parent", whatever) and the point still stands.)

My ex didn't threaten me directly, but he did threaten to hurt himself every time I "stepped out of line."

You SHOULD be able to sit at a desk and do work. You SHOULD be able to just watch a freaking YouTube video. You SHOULD be able to just eat fucking lunch.

And in the United States, this starts young. I've seen teachers tell a Kazakhstani parent that she should tell her kid to speak English INSTEAD. The kid was 2 and a half. A friend's five year old told him "Dad this is America we dont speak Chinese". If you don't teach your kid your native language this country will wrest all pride and heritage from them by force. An occasional visit or two to the home country will not stop the bleeding.