Don’t be humble: You’re not that great.

I just felt someone Z-target me

[clearly circle-strafing you] don't be ridiculous

big fan of whatever the youth is doing to torment scientology buildings

Home Depot also sells life size animatronic aliens for Halloween if you wanted to get the scientologists some thematically appropriate decor and/or a brief but profound spiritual encounter while you're there

"Isn't it weird that [thing humans commonly eat] is poisonous to literally every domesticated animal" I mean, there's a pretty good chance that [thing humans commonly eat] is at least mildly poisonous to humans, too. One of our quirks as a species is that we think our food is bland if it doesn't have enough poison in it.

my body is a machine that turns muscle relaxers into life-altering car accidents

[no beers in] do you think im ever going to belong somewhere