Czech Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

I think that, when you are on hold, the hold music should not stop to tell you that you are on hold. The hold music should only stop when someone actually picks up your call. Vote me for president

"There are 5 callers ahead of you" can stay but it's on thin fucking ice, i.e, it can only stay if it plays when the number of callers ahead of you changes and not every 5 minutes. And CERTAINLY not every 30 seconds

hey, I was just at "things got better" island and everyone there is talking about how excited they are to meet you

I love watching documentaries about amusement park accidents because all of the park officials are saying, "Oh, dear god, none of us could have anticipated that the roller coaster car would detach, this is a freak accident, an act of god!" and then the narrator is like "The Dicktwister 9000 was a known safety hazard and rabies vector since its inception. It was designed by disgraced Cirque du Soleil clown John Roosters, who had never seen a math textbook."

The best part of this post is watching other amusement park enthusiasts reply to this with "It's okay, you can say (name of infamously problematic ride)," but every single one is saying the name of a different attraction

*smashes you over the head with a potion bottle but it was a healing potion and it heals you for the exact amount of damage i dealt you* oh… uh. hm. do you think you could just lay on the floor and pretend to be unconscious

uhhh i guess that’s reasonable. how long? maybe five to ten seconds?

longer. *aside, to my minion* how long does it take to set up the heinous device?

(in a stage whisper) three minutes if we're speedrunning it.

*back to the hero* just picking a number at random here. let’s say three minutes

all these excellent books come from some random penguins house?

Matching your freak is beautiful and all but what you really need is a boy who's infatuated with your freak. Down bad for your freak. Deeply intrigued by your freak. Eager to see more of your freak. Supportive of your freak. Gets bricked up witnessing your freak, even.

Born to don't wanna. Forced to gotta

timmy turner: i wish anybody who dies goes to hell no matter what

when you let an oncoming car go first on a narrow street and they don’t do the hand thing… that’s a villain

sometimes i think god closed his eyes when he made me and just guessed

This is the one

everything you're debunking i'm rebunking it