ash

“you are a lawyer and he is a hamster” is one of the funniest statements ive ever had the pleasure of reading

no yeah i cant hang out sorry. yeah im hugging my pillow in bed today. yeah no itll be for a while. maybe for forever. OK bye

"uhhh Mormons don't actually believe that" I assure you their actual beliefs are even more absurd

Google "Mormon Bigfoot"

Alright I’ll google it

God, I can't tell you how much the "there's not enough enrichment in my enclosure" joke has helped my mental health. Because, for some reason I can't comprehend, pretending that I'm a zoo keeper caring for an animal (which is also me) just makes everything easier to comprehend. Like "Your head gets screwey when you're apartment is messy" just doesn't carry as much resonance as "The tiger becomes agitated when its enclosure is cluttered" because then I'll be like, no shit? The tiger? I've gotta keep things nice and clean for the tiger.

If you're staying home during #Quarantine2020 you're helping make things better than they would be otherwise