The Iliad, But Make It A Sitcom

Achilles: No.

Odysseus: I do!

Nestor: I know, Odysseus.

Odysseus: I miss my wife.

Odysseus: Yes you can.

Diomedes: You looked in a mirror?

THERSITES?

STUPID IDIOT MOTHERFUCKING THERSITES GOD DAMN FOOL TREE EATING DUST EATING LIZARD OLD BASTARD SHITHEAD IDIOT SOLDIER OF THE WHORE BIGGEST CLOWN IN GREECE LAUGHED OUT OF TOWN WARRIOR MOTHERFUCKING THERSITES. STOP PINNING ME WHEN I TALK ABOUT THERSITES I HATE HIM SO MUCH WHY DOES HE HAVE SO MANY FUCKED UP FACIAL FEATURES WHY DID HE DECIDE TO FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT JUST DIE ALREADY IS HE DEAD IS HE A BASTARD MAN HAS SUCH A VISCERAL AFFECT ON ME NOT EVEN IN THE ROOM BEEN SO LONG SINCE I’VE SEEN THIS MANS FACE AND I REMEMBER ONLY THAT HE HAS THE WORLDS SHITTIEST BEARD GET AWAY FROM ME.

if i wanted to get into elysium and zeus said thersites is waiting inside i would piss on zeus’ feet for the sole purpose of getting sent back down. if i have to deal with thersites speaking one word in a twenty mile radius from me not only will i run away i will kill myself out of spite and have to be born again for the experience of being able to skip all the times i’d remember he’s alive. i dont even know why i hate him so much. he’s just ugly but i am just mad because i am ANGY. he better have some fucked up backstory to explain this if hes just some wealthy shithead whos a fan of creepypasta and wanted the irl version ill go ham. BETTER have had a prophecy make him die cuz if he didnt Im going to make him.

paypal.com/IFuckingHateThersites

Conversation’s not even about him. vaguely mentioned what is supposed to maybe be his buckteeth and I lost it. where the fuck is thersites if hes still alive im going to so deeply wish he wasnt.

crusty old man. 

ill punch thersites and his sad frail ugly fish faced twig bones will simply flake apart under my epic huge meat fist and he will disintegrate until all thats left is one final note he kept on him at all times simply titled Now You Fucked Up but it’s a latin manuscript. im not breathing im hyperventilating at this point. i hope theres a date given for when thersites died or will die so i can make it a reminder on my tent wall, and everyday once a year i will see it and do anything but pay respects to the man who had so many fucked up if true sentences.

Menelaus: Agamemnon, I’m not dead yet.

Agamemnon: Let me have my moment of rage to avenge you.

Diomedes: Don’t you mean plan B?

Odysseus: No, we tried plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over plan C due to technical difficulties.

Menelaus: What about plan D?

Odysseus: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago.

Agamemnon: What about plan E?

Odysseus: I’m hoping not to use it. You die in plan E.

Achilles: Imagine stabbing someone with this knife.

Patroclus: It would instantly cauterize the wound, so the person wouldn't bleed, so it's not very useful.

Odysseus: if you want information it is.

Agamemnon: “Which one? i have several.”

Trojan Kidnapper: “The loud, rowdy, annoying one that never shuts up.”