Why am I so unhappy? Postpartum depression maybe. Literally nothing makes me happy but my son. He’s the o my thing that being hot into my life. But besides that if I’m not around him or if he’s sleeping I’m miserable. That’s how I feel 90% of the time even is he is up and about laughing which I love to see him doing there’s still this sadness deep down underneath that smile. My baby doesn’t make me sad or unhappy. I know what is it sort of. Recently I’m expressed my feelings or sadness on to my so called partner. The conversation started off with him asking me what’s wrong because I guess I’d been moping around all day. I told him that I haven’t been happy lately and he told me yes I have. I told him I was not happy and he asked why. I didn’t know how to properly put my answer into words so I tried my best. “I just need a break.” He took this to heart thinking that I meant from him but what I really meant was from everything. I’m a mom 24/7 and he’s a dad less then half of that, I need time to myself to figure out who I am again. I expressed this to him and all he said was okay. Okay. And this was weeks ago, he still hasn’t even tried to put in any effort to make me happy. I feel so alone. I have to fake being happy around everyone because I don’t want to seem like I don’t know I’m just a sad sap but I am. I cry every night and he doesn’t notice. And for me to actually think I was in love with him. I fouled myself. I loved him and I still do but I’m not or ever have been in love with him. He was right when I was pregnant and he said we barely knew each other. I will never regret my baby NEVER but I do regret who I had a baby with. I wish he was more caring and actually took what I wanted into consideration. “Oh baby I see that you’re overwhelmed with taking care of the baby. Let me wash the bottles and clean up the room.” No it’s never that. I do everything! I wash the babies clothes, I clean his bottles, I bath him, I dress him, I make his doctors appointments, I put him under my insurance, I get him everything he needs, I feed him, I wake up in the middle of the night to change him, I put him to sleep, I clean up after all of us. Best part is I came to love with him and his family, so we’re staying in his bedroom. I try to clean to you the room and he gets upset about me straightening up. What kind of… you know what? Never mind. I just want to happy and feel appreciated. I’m freaking tired of being sad. I need my own space, my own home for me and my son because I can’t rely on his dad to do anything for us. And honestly I don’t know why I’m going so hard tonight maybe because I’m just up thinking when everyone else is sound asleep. Anyway I’m about to go cry again.

Ps. Lol this is weird but my boyfriend has work in the morning and I went on his phone to sent his alarm so he’ll get up in the morning. After I did that I went to look at his pictures because he has more pictures of our son on his birthdate then I do so I wanted to see all the pictures. They are all so cute besides the pictures of me in pain during labor and right after giving birth. Anyway I went to his recently deleted file and there are videos of him and his ex girlfriend being sexual lmao. I looked at one because I’m nosey and I didn’t get upset. Mostly because I’m the video he said he loved her and she didn’t say it back. She stopped loving him and he was giving her his all. It made me feel bad for him for a second but then I didn’t. If she didn’t do what she did in their relationship I wouldn’t have my son. Also I wasn’t upset because he was in a relationship with her at the time and yes they did have sex and I was also having sex in my relationship before him. But it was just burning in my brain I had to something.

Hey! So can you believe it’s been 9 months? My baby will be here in less than 2 weeks! Wowwwww! I’ve been through so much these past few months and I think it’s made me a better person; for me and my son. I’m would say my maturity have grown significantly, I mean has to I’ll be responsible so a little person very soon. And even though I’m still technically homeless I know things will work themselves out. It’s been pretty hard trying to find a place during the pandemic and my job let me go back in April because I was pregnant. Well actually my midwife wrote a doctors note stating that I have severe back issues due to my scoliosis so she asked my job to give my 15 minute breaks to just sit down every 2 or so hours. They weren’t having that and told me that same week that they were letting me go. My only source of income, just taken from me because of my pregnancy. So I decided I would start walking dogs again. When I started making actual money to save up a month later someone hit and totaled my car which was my only way of transportation to get back and forth to my walks. I had to spend my all my savings on on towing and other sources transportation (like Lyft or metro - public transportation). So my boyfriend had to get a job ASAP. It’s gets paid enough now for us to get a place but the landlords are making it so hard to move in! Did you know someone has to make 3x their rent to move into a place? I’ve never... I wasn’t saying all of this to complain or for someone to feel sorry for me I just haven’t gotten you all caught up. Besides everything that has happened I wholeheartedly believe that everything will work out for us. Sometimes I worry but there’s no point in worrying and stressing about something you can’t control. I’ll keep this optimism attitude and I’ll keep looking for a solutions for our situation because I refuse to have my baby and not have our own place. Oh!! Last thing, I’m 38 weeks pregnant! Hopefully he comes sooner than later but I won’t rush my little man. I can’t wait to see him! I’m so excited!! :3 well until next time, peace✌︎

Wow, I can’t believe I’ll be 30 weeks pregnant this Sunday. My little boy has been moving around and kicking me which sometimes hurts but I don’t mind. I just love to feel him move, it’s like no one else knows but me. My god I love him so much, and he’s growing so fast! I can’t wait to see him! My little baby, my little person, half my me! He’s not here yet but I’ll do anything for him, I’ve never felt this type of love before. Instant and unconditional. And I know once I see his little face it’ll triple. I’m sorta scared to be a mom but I’m more excited. I don’t want to fuck him up, I want him to be kind and smart, but I always want him to know when to stand up for himself and what’s right. I feel deep down in my soul that he’ll be an amazing person. I want to give him everything me and his dad never had and more. But now that my family and my boyfriends knows and everyone has come around to him and his arrival, I know we’ll have lots of help and I know this baby; our baby with be welcomed into this world with nothing but love and support. I’m so happy he chose ME to be his mommy! :3 Well until next time, peace!

Okay I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately and I don’t want speak to any of my close friends or family about it. Mostly because I might only feel this way because I’m pregnant and I don’t want to them to get the wrong idea of my boyfriend. But anyway first let me say this, I love him, I love my boyfriend very much. He makes me so happy... but only to a certain extent. I makes me happy sexually, when we joke around and when we’re just happy in general. But when we comes to serious things in our relationship he just shuts down and goes quite. I thought relationships were about the good and the bad? And what makes things worse is that I’m working but he isn’t. And I won’t be working for much longer because I have to have my baby in July so everything will be on him for awhile. We also still haven’t moved out, and I’m still technically homeless. I just wish I had the money to get my own apartment, my own place to stay were my child and I will be comfortable and safe. I’m honestly thinking about starting a go-fund me since my job is barely paying to anything. I have other bills that need to be paid also, so I really think a go fund me would help out a lot. But who would help? I really don’t know but it won’t hurt to try right? But on a lighter note, guess what?! I am now 19 weeks! And I’ll be 20 weeks on Sunday! It just hit me, I can’t believe I’ll actually be someone’s mother soon.. I really hope I’m a good mom. And I hope my baby loves me as much as I love it. I can feel it moving sometimes. It feels like little butterflies in there. I’m checking to find out the gender next week, and just to get a check up because your girl finally got insurance!!! I’m so happy! But that’s all I have for today. Talk to you later!

P.S Also back to my semi-famous thing I also can’t wait to have celebrity friends. Like BLACKPINK (Jisoo, Jenny, Rosè, Lisa), Rihanna, Zendaya, Jhene Aiko, other famous tattoo artist, famous chefs, Khary, Kota the Friend and honestly the list goes on.(I know it’s alittle weird listing off people I’d like to be friends with but hey what’s the harm? A girl can dream right?)

Sometimes I can’t stand my boyfriend. He acts like he’s the one who’s pregnant, he always has attitudes and it just makes me not want to be around him. Maybe I have been with him for to long. I’m literally been at his house since November, it’s time for us to separate for a little while. But Christmas here was okay. His mom got me some Christmas pajamas and he got me a cool book I’ve been wanting for a very long time. The only bad thing about yesterday was that I couldn’t really keep my food down because of the whole pregnancy thing. Speaking of I’m going to go check my the kid next Wednesday. He thinks we’re going for an abortion but nah I’m checking the kid. And I’m getting my health insurance on Monday! God I’m so excited. I’ve been talking to my best friend and my ex best friend about this whole thing and they’ve really been a big help. I appreciate them very much. I don’t know what I would’ve done without them. Oh! Also since I’ll be a mom soon I need to get my shit together! I need to get my credit right, invest in stocks, and work on my other species of income. You have to spend money to make money and scared money gets you nothing. I also plan to move out of my moms soon. I don’t to have a baby at her house, we need our own space. I was thinking about moving in with my boyfriend but he bullshits a lot and he acts like he can’t save his money. I told him that we need to start saving and he told me “no you need to, I will once I get a job.” Like that makes no sense at all to me. If you’re getting free money wouldn’t you want to save it especially if your ultimate goals is to move out by February or March of next year? All he does is spend his money on weed and food. And I get the food I’m partly to blame for that because of the kid but come on you can go a month or two without smoking to save a leave. Then smoke as much as you want once you’re established. Guys are so backwards to me. Sometimes I feel like I could be with him forever and other times I just want to leave him and be alone. But I do love him, he just need to get his priorities straight because they are all over the place kid. Anyway, I just wanted to update you on what’s been happening. Ttyl♡

So I’m alittle overwhelmed with this pregnancy thing. My boyfriend still doesn’t want to keep the baby and I’ve been trying to look for resources to help me out. I don’t have health insurance so making my first appointment to check on my baby has become extremely frustrating. I’ve heard that there are programs for that, to help out with prenatal care, food stamps, free doctors visits, and free vitamims up until child birth but I can’t find ANYTHING! I... I feel like I’m suppose to have this baby but I’m so lost on what to do! I want to ask my parents for help but I know they’ll just ridicule me. Tell me I’m dumb for even wanting to keep my baby. I want to move out of moms house before I ask her for help, I know she’ll be upset at first but she’ll get over it and end up helping me. I just feel like I’m stuck right now. I feel like there’s nothing in my power that I can do! But I’ll pull through. I’ll find a way not only for me but for my child. Even if I have to pay for everything out of pocket I will! Well I just had to get that off my chest. If anyone who has seen has any advice please, please, please reach out to me.

So yeah.. I just found out I was pregnant on November 23. I’m pregnant.. I’m pregnant with a little baby. I’m so excited! I knew November 23 would be a significant day but not because of this! But look here’s the thing, I want to keep my baby but my boyfriend wants me to abort it.. and it hurts my heart. Everytime we talk about it he says “baby, you know we aren’t ready. We can’t even afford a baby or even take care of one.” Well I know what I’m capable of and I know for sure I can take care of my baby! And my birthday was miserable because that’s all I could think of, him asking me to get an abortion. I’m seriously just thinking about moving away from him and raising my baby myself. And I say my baby because he doesn’t even want it! He doesn’t even WANT OUR BABY! It literally makes my sick to my fucking stomach and super emotional. So emotional I cried my entire birthday! I cried MY ENTIRE BIRTHDAY BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO ABORT MY BABY! My ex boyfriend got me pregnant 3 times and forced me, well guilt trapped me into getting an abortion three times! THREE TIMES! He told me he wouldn’t be with me if I didn’t, and that he knew we weren’t ready.. and yeah I was 18, 19, and 20 when this happened so he was partly right but now I’m 24 and I determined to care for my little one. I love my baby so much already and I don’t even know how many weeks I am. I just want to be a great mom to my child but my boyfriend doesn’t even want it! I’m about to start crying now talking about it and I don’t even cry often! God my heart hurts, my heart hurts so bad because he just brushes off the subject like it’s what we’re supposed to do. But I made an appointment for December 12 to get the abortion but I highly doubt I’ll go, highly doubt? No I’m certain I won’t go... I might just cut my boyfriend off and raise my child on my own. Move to a different city and start fresh. I know that seems sort of childish but he doesn’t even want our baby. And the day I found out I was pregnant I called my best friend, she also has a baby who she’s raising on her own and she told me she’ll help me out no matter what! And I believe her. I feel like she wants this baby more than him.. Oh! And you know what else he said? He said “we barely know each other, our relationship is brand new (even though we’ve been together for a year plus) and we just aren’t ready for this...” what?! You can cum in me but you can’t man up and raise YOUR baby? My body can’t handle another abortion I know this for sure and I refuse to even think about getting another one. It’s time for me to grow up and finally think about someone besides myself. I’ll do anything and I mean anything for this baby! I won’t go poor for my baby I’ll get rich! We’ll travel around the world and experience new things together. I just want my child to have what I never did. But I feel like I’ve gone on long enough.. I’ll update you soon, talk to you later!

Hey morning, it’s what 6 am where I am and my stupid bitch of a mom just came into the living room (where me and my youngest sister sleep) and started screaming about her seeing a mouse and how it’s because we don’t take out the trash. Then proceeds to calling us “dirty bitches” and “nasty mother fuckers”. Which is hilarious because she lives in an apartment and her neighbor said she saw a mouse in her apartment a month ago. Mind you her neighbor isn’t that clean, I’ve seen inside her house. So I guess she never thought “hey! maybe it came from her!” No I doubt it. I highly doubt it. This woman is an immature, selfish, hyper lying piece of dog shit. Fuck it, rat shit. I have ZERO REPECT FOR HER. I don’t care that she gave birth to me. That’s all she did because she didn’t do SHIT for my sisters and I growing up. Just abuse us physically, emotionally. She us part of the reason I wanted to kill my self so badly when I was younger. She.. why did she even have kids? Money? Because that’s honestly all she cares about. Oh and the best part about all this?! I have an interview and trail shift in an hour at a coffee shop near by but now I doubt I’ll go. Mostly because I have a fucking headache that’s slowly turning into a migraine from her screaming and there are no pain killers here. God! I need my own places!!!

Shit. I’m bored again... why do I get bored in relationships so easily? Maybe because every guy I’ve ever dated was a complete dumb shit. They really act as if they’ve never had girlfriends before. For instance today my boyfriend and I were out, well he asked me to drive him to CVS. Before we left I jokingly said “You need to learn how to drive, I’m sick of driving us around.” He took it the wrong way and had a fucking attitude the whole entire day. Why are you mad at me because you’re a 23 year old man who doesn’t know how to drive? Even when I offer to teach him he declines my offers. Does he really think that he’ll be driven around by me his entire life? I think not.. But that’s besides the point, I went to go get gas when we were out he didn’t even offer to pump my gas.. he didn’t even offer to pay for it.. he just sat his ass in the car. I thought boyfriends were suppose to do things for you like pump your gas or open doors for you. Atleast sometimes! Yeah mines doesn’t do those things. And it has gotten to a point now where I think I’m the man in our relationship. He’s MY GIRLFRIEND! Lmao that’s freaking CRAZY! Anyway him having an attitude all day led to me having a good day. I finished watching a anime called Toradora (it was amazing btw), and I started learning Japanese. Well I’ve been trying to learn but today I took it serious, mostly because I trying out the 14 day free trail on Duolingo. I think if I stick to it everyday I’ll be fluent in a year. So basically I have a better days when we aren’t talking. I’m always way more productive when he isn’t around. I’m starting to feel like we aren’t good together. Not in a relationship anyway. We just don’t get each other in that way you know? I just want someone who understand me, all of me and he’s not that sadly.. Anyway よる (night)

Oh my god yessss! I would love to 🥺

How can you feel so lonely laying next to someone you love. How is your mind going 100 miles per second while they are sleeping so soundly. Have we come to our end? I hope not. My problem is whenever there is a problem I just think it’s the end of everything. I guess being in a past toxic relationship can do that to a person. I won’t make up excuses. I’ve grown so much since my ex (my longest relationship to date) and I broke up 2 years ago. But I still think about him sometimes. Why did we end again? 5 years is a long time to spend with someone. To put up with someone. My new boyfriend now was also in a 5 year long relationship. It literally took me a year and half to get over my ex. So how is he just over her like that? It doesn’t make sense to me. He loved her right? Is he just lying to himself. That’s besides the point. I promised myself I wouldn’t talk about her, or being her up again. That why I unfollowed her from my fake account on Instagram. Ahaha.. that’s embarrassing I know. I just wanted to keep tabs on her. For what reason? I don’t know.. maybe to be sure they weren’t speaking to each other. But how could I tell that just by a follow. Sometimes I think I dig so deep only because I like being hurt. Well it’s not that I enjoy being hurt. It’s just, fuck I don’t know! I’m a fucking weirdo. I guess I got so use to being hurt by my ex I just expect it from everyone. I just expect everyone to put me second. I expect someone to cheat on me. I expect not to be loved the way I love. I don’t think I’m fully healed. So why am I in a relationship were either of us have healed. I guess I expect us to heal together, to understand each other like no one else ever would. But that’s impossible. We barely know eat other and we argue once a week. He doesn’t think that we do but we do. We do. And our communication skills aren’t very great either. We’ve known each other for a year now maybe we should’ve stayed friends this whole year then grew into something more. But everything happens for a reason, I guess we’ll see. Night.

Thank you for this! I wish the same for you. 🙏🏽

I’m seriously sitting in my car listening to sad music. These past few weeks have been a roller coaster for my emotional set. For one my childhood best friend passed away in a car accident recently. Her passing broke my heart, I still can’t fully wrap my head around it. It still doesn’t seem real to me at all. Then to follow up with that my mom tried to lie to me and tell me that she passed away from COVID. My mom is extremely manipulative and the fact that she EVEN TRIED to lie on my friends death pissed me off! I took everything in me not to hit my mom. And then to put the icing on the cake my boyfriend... my fucking boyfriend is a dickhead. I don’t know if being with him or falling for him was the best thing for me. I slowly feel myself pulling away from him. Plus I don’t think he’s over his ex. I knew we rushed this. We should’ve just stayed friends. Having a boyfriend is complicating my life. Also I’m moving soon, I don’t think he’ll be willing to come with me so I think I’ll break it off. Hopefully on a good note because I do love him, very much but I just need alone time. I need to focus on myself and when I’m with him he takes all my energy. I give him my everything and I feel like that should be mainly focused on me and what I’m trying to do in life! But at the same time I want to be with him, he brings me so much happiness and joy. I love him so much. I don’t know what to do...

Okay quick rant today. Haha of course, of course it’s about.. guess who? That’s right! My boyfriend. I just realized that he still refers to his ex girlfriend as his girl. Even when he’s talking about her to someone else he’ll say “yeah bro I spilt with my girl”... what? Your girl what? She’s no longer yours sir. He’s always called her that when we were arguing in the car during that Buffalo Wild Wings incident. I don’t exactly remember what he said but he did call her his girl. I paused for a second and turned my head towards the window. My heart dropped, I’m your girl not her. I don’t think he noticed how hurt I was when he said. And I don’t understand why my dumb ass DIDNT SAY ANYTHING! Anyways, he either A. Still thinks he has ownership of her or B. He still loves her and misses her. My guess would be both. I feel like I always rush into relationships to quickly. But I always feel like I’m thinking to intensely about it. I mean the guy was in a relationship with this girl for 5 and half years and only a few months (more like 3) after they broke I became his girlfriend. But then I think “hmm he still refers her as his girl but when he bring me up I’m his joint” (joint basically means someone you’re having sex with or something along those lines. It’s hard to simplify slang that you’ve become a custom too). Why is she still his girl and I’m jus joint. Why does her still call her that and why are all her conversations muted on both his phones. I want to check his other phone to see if he still talks to her on there. My guess is he does. For sure! I just want answers! Or this will drive me fucking CRAZY! I’m so sick of being second to everyone! I’m never first! I’m never anyone’s first choice! I’m always a rebound.... I’m not making myself upset writing this. Bye.