the night i finally broke
cw: postpartum depression
The baby had finally fallen asleep, but you couldn't. Even with the apartment quiet for the first time all day, your mind refused to settle. You sat curled up on the couch, staring at nothing in particular while exhaustion weighed heavily on your shoulders. You loved your daughter more than anything, yet lately every day felt harder than the last. The guilt was the worst part. Everyone talked about how magical motherhood was supposed to feel, but all you felt was tired. Tired and sad and confused.
Nanami found you there long after midnight. He had gotten up expecting to find you asleep beside him, only to discover your side of the bed empty. The sight of you sitting alone in the dark immediately made his chest tighten.
"Darling?"
You flinched at the sound of his voice, quickly wiping at your eyes as if he hadn't already noticed the tears.
"I'm fine."
The lie sounded pathetic even to your own ears.
Nanami didn't argue. Instead, he crossed the room and sat beside you. The cushion dipped beneath his weight, and somehow that tiny movement was enough to make the pressure in your chest unbearable. Before you knew it, tears were spilling down your cheeks.
"I'm trying so hard."
Your voice cracked.
"I'm trying to be a good mom."
Nanami's expression immediately softened.
"You are a good mother."
You laughed bitterly and shook your head.
"No, I'm not."
The words tumbled out before you could stop them. Every thought you'd been keeping buried for weeks suddenly demanded to be heard. You told him about the exhaustion that never seemed to leave. About how you felt guilty whenever you got frustrated. About the way you looked at yourself now and barely recognized the person staring back. Most of all, you admitted how scared you were.
"I don't know what's wrong with me."
Nanami's jaw tightened.
"Nothing is wrong with you."
"Then why can't I do this?"
Your shoulders shook with another sob.
"Why does everything feel so hard?"
For a moment, Nanami simply looked at you. The pain in his eyes made your chest ache because he looked like he wished he could carry every ounce of your suffering himself.
"How long have you felt this way?"
You looked down at your lap.
"I don't know."
But you did know.
Weeks.
Maybe months.
Long enough that pretending had become second nature.
Nanami exhaled slowly before reaching for your hand.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I should be happy."
Fresh tears blurred your vision.
"I wanted her so badly, Ken."
Your voice dropped to a whisper.
"So why am I so sad all the time?"
The look on Nanami's face shattered what little composure you had left. There was no judgment there. No disappointment. Only heartbreak.
He moved closer and gently pulled you into his arms.
"Oh, sweetheart."
The nickname alone nearly made you cry harder.
Nanami held you against his chest while you sobbed. He didn't rush you. He didn't tell you to calm down. He simply stayed there, one hand rubbing slow circles against your back while the other cradled the back of your head.
"You don't have to keep carrying this by yourself."
You gripped the front of his shirt.
"But what if I'm a bad mother?"
Nanami pulled back just enough to look at you.
"You aren't."
"But—"
"You aren't."
His voice was firm this time.
"You love her."
You swallowed hard.
"You worry about her."
Another tear slipped down your cheek.
"You've spent every day putting her needs before your own."
His thumb brushed beneath your eye.
"That doesn't sound like a bad mother to me."
The room fell quiet. For the first time in weeks, you felt seen. Not judged. Not pitied. Seen.
Nanami pressed a kiss against your forehead.
"We're going to get through this."
You closed your eyes.
"Together?"
A small smile appeared on his face.
"Together."
And for the first time since giving birth, the future didn't seem quite as frightening. Because no matter how dark things felt right now, you knew one thing with absolute certainty.
Nanami wasn't going anywhere.
© isetmyfriendsonfuckingfire. do not copy, repost, translate, claim as your own, or use for ai training. all rights reserved.
banner made by: @chateaubarnes
