muses and musings

I mean listen, I’m in my 30s. These labels don’t mean a lot to me anymore. Like, literally everything is normal. Everything is fine so long as nobody’s feelings are being hurt. Don’t worry about some label that used to be useful maybe not being useful anymore. Thank it for its service and let it retire. Maybe one day it will be useful again. That doesn’t change anything about you, because you are, and always have been, a complex, multifaceted, constantly changing kaleidoscope of emotional and sexual needs, and “asexual” is just a word that helped you make sense of it for a while.

Like, y’all, give yourselves a break. Sex is complicated. Some people are straight their whole lives, and then they meet one person who changes everything. Some people are one thing for a while, then they’re another thing, then they go back to being the first thing. Some people stay one thing forever. Some people are really into something in their 20s that grosses them out to even think about for the rest of their lives. All if it’s normal.

The words you put on your orientation are not elementally a part of you. They are tools, and as tools they should serve a function. That function can be to help you understand and categorize your own experiences and desires. It can be to help you find a community. It can be to help you get laid. It can just be to set social expectations. These words can be a revelation when you first apply them to yourself: they can be life-saving. But you are not beholden to them. 

Just to be clear, this is not a shitpost or a joke. This 22 year old has in fact been appointed mayor of the Welsh town of Bangor.

They will insist on not only shrinking your pain into nothing and blaming it all on you, but also convince you that you’re stupid to even try to imagine your problems are real. You will be forced to compare yourself with everyone who ever had it worse, you will be forced to shut up on account of everyone who 'is right to dismiss your pain’, you will be made to feel so unimportant, trivial, unspecial, unvalued, that the mere thought of you having an actual problem will feel like you’re stepping out of your place. Like you’re imagining to be this person struggling with something awful, when you’re just selfish, lazy, spoiled, overdramatic blob with no value whatsoever.

This will be expressed in the way you write or relate to characters; you might find yourself feeling association with fictional people who are tortured or broken, you might even feel ashamed of it because you don’t feel like you’ve ever been hurt that badly, so what gives you the right to relate, to imagine disasters that would actually make your pain real to the world? You could even feel guilty desire that all of these things did happen to you, because at least then you could have a real reason to explain the pain, the permission to show it. You wouldn’t have to feel like it’s all imagined, all for nothing, all your fault.

If you feel tortured people’s pain, it’s likely because you’ve already experienced it on your own. If you find yourself wishing for actual disasters in your life to ascribe your pain to – it’s likely they’ve already happened, but you’ve been denied the words to describe it, or to even feel your own perspective on it, and you had to carry your torturer’s perspective, who didn’t find you worth human feelings. You are not wishing for new pain – you only want permission to express the pain you already have.

Which is why we also have to shift to a model of education where learning practical skills isn’t an incidental component of the larger trend of teaching towards a career. Learning should be done a) because it’s fun, and b) it teaches you something that will help you and those around you, in that order.

So-

Okey-doke: fund schools

Woke: fund and rapidly desegregate schools through busing and housing programs

Teaching should be liberated from capital. That doesn’t mean it should stop focusing on gender feelings PhDs and go back to rock smashing PhDs. As you say, trade schools are just as beholden to the dominant modes of production. School should be project-based (a strategy that is inherently cooperative, strategic, interdisciplinary and creative, where learning is contextual and therefor meaningful, and projects also teach empathy), allowing students the opportunity to explore lots of passions and find one that ‘clicks.’ Social engineering should be done not towards preparing students for the office (teaching them to sit for long periods of time, automatically respect the boss, get up early) but for life helping others (lunchmaking duties, cleaning school grounds, building repairs). Eventually that process culminates in colleges that aren’t just “four years in exchange for debt and a necessary but insufficient resume signifier.” In fact, maybe learning becomes a lifelong tool (to a greater degree than it already is—what’s a hobby but a class you chose yourself?) and college becomes redundant and abolished? I don’t know! It’s nice to think about! But I don’t have all the answers! This might sound like hippie bullshit but I’m the farthest thing from a hippie! We need a dramatic restructuring built around work abolition, mutual aid, and contextual knowledge. And I’m no soothsayer but the new world we make will probably have need of gender-understanders and rock-manglers alike.

I am monumentally tired of fighting. But I’m going to continue to do so for as long as I can.

Right now I am seeing long-time followers attack Kamala Harris and Joe Biden for picking her as a running mate. I know a lot of people look at this duo and see “more of the same.” I’ve seen so many intelligent people saying they are not going to vote.

It is absolutely critical that you vote the Biden/Harris ticket. I want you to remember that while you are pointing out the flaws, and here is why.

The current president is literally a fascist. He’s slow-burning, meaning he’s slowly moving the goalpost farther right. The only reason he’s slow-moving is because the Republican party still has the barest semblance of a conscience. Think of what would have happened if #45 said “we should delay the election!” and McConnell said “yeah okay that sounds cool.”

Do you know how terrifying that is? Because if he got congress to delay the election somehow, there would be no reason to ever have a federal election again. He could just keep delaying it forever.

“But CK,” you say. “The constitution says we can’t delay a presidential election!”

Checks and balances say a lot of things. Checks and balances say that bills are supposed to be voted on and go to the president for signing or veto. Currently McConnell has found a loophole and just has 400 bills sitting on his desk, ignored.

I want you to keep this in mind: Under fascism, the constitution does not matter. They will find a way around it. They’re trying to find ways around amendments, too, poking and prodding at free speech until they can find a way to shut it down.

And if #45 decides he doesn’t want to play anymore, he’s got a whole fucking army, and he’s just proven that the secret police he has in his employ will do whatever the fuck he says. I need you to recognized that this throwing people in Portland into vans thing wasn’t the ultimate violation of freedom. It was only one step in a massive authoritarian takeover. You cannot trust the secret police to do the right thing and say no. #45 has just proven they’ll listen to him like trained dogs.

He has already started talking about more terms. If he discards the constitution, there will be nothing stopping him from taking them. He’s currently, blatantly trying to rig a free and fair election. This has happened in other countries across the globe, and the same people who are posting “NEVER VOTE FOR BIDEN” are the same ones who post things like “JUSTICE FOR _______” when a despot steals an election.

If the incumbent president wins another term, this will be the last election we have. This will be it. This is how fascism works. This isn’t slippery-slope talk. This isn’t “potential worst case scenario.” We are in the middle of the worst case scenario now.

Please. For the sake of the millions of people who will die under #45. For the sake of people who cannot survive another 4+ years. Think of Biden/Harris as a road block. A barricade. Right in the middle of the road. It stops traffic and doesn’t do anything to get people where they’re going, but at least it stops them from careening off a bridge.

If you never want to have to make this choice again, you have to fight to abolish the US’s First-Past-The-Post voting system, but it is TOO LATE to do that now. No third party candidate can win. Study the election results from the last 40 years and you’ll see.

Mmkay. When?

When is your glorious revolution going to start? Please explain your plan to me. Explain how it will topple the current government. Explain how you will install something better in its place. Explain how the new government will legitimize itself and stay in power. Now, Explain how you will do this without killing millions of poor, disabled, and marginalized people.

Oh. You don’t have one of those plans? Then you have to deal with the government we actually have, not a fantasy version of it. You have to look at what you can realistically accomplish within the two party system that we have, not the fantasy multi-party system you want. You have to look at the REAL, ACTUAL candidates and say, “which one starts closer to my eventual goal, and which one can be moved by a sustained concerted effort?” And you have to say, “which one will kill the fewest people while we’re trying to fix the problems that gave us this system we hate in the first place?”

Because you cannot campaign for a ranked voting system in the eleventh hour. It’s too fucking late. That choice isn’t on the table for you anymore. Don’t whine and kick your feet and refuse to take the first step towards fixing things because that step isn’t big enough for you. There are hundreds of notches on the needle between Biden/Harris and all the things we want: racial Justice, indigenous land reparations, universal basic income, socialized medicine. Hundreds of notches. But if we cannot even agree to pull the needle ONE NOTCH FURTHER LEFT in unison, how the fuck are we supposed to get there? How do we ever reach a destination when half of us turn our noses up at a first step?

The Right got us here because they pull in unison. They’ve been doing it for decades and every election, the whole country slides. There are more of us but we refuse to work together. We refuse to just decide on a first step and take it. We refuse so hard we’d rather say “burn it down” than comprise our political purity. But I am here to tell you that no amount of philosophy is worth an ounce of praxis and your purity will not absolve you from the moral laziness of deciding your neighbors are acceptable sacrifices in the name of a brave new world.

Change requires realistic goals and sustained effort. It requires responsibility and involvement. It is measured in increments. It isn’t glorious.

First of all we all have different special interests. In terms of my special interest which mine is human & society, culture and history and stuff is a really broad topic. So it’s impossible to know everything about it, because it’s such a broad topic.

OPHELIA ho-ratio: 5/10. probably would have boned hamlet if he wasn’t SUCH a turd about asking. learned kissing from her maidservants. annoyed to have died a virgin but preferred death to sexual intimacy with literally anybody in the danish court. 

LAERTES ho-ratio: 7/10. spent his youth in paris, presumably being very french about sex. grew up fencing with hamlet, so it can be assumed they touched dicks at least once, on a dare. nice boy, tries hard, loves the game. very relieved to die before accidentally fathering a child with someone he’d have to keep secret from his father.

GERTRUDE ho-ratio: 6/10. gamely tried to bone only her first husband for the first two years of marriage before giving up on him ever getting good at it and took her business elsewhere. will try anything once, provided claudius lets her try it on him first. comfortable with nonmonogamy, but not polyamory, because she doesn’t want to have to care about more than one person’s emotional wellbeing. 

CLAUDIUS ho-ratio: 10/10, which is also the number of chefs in the court who wish he would stop doing naked bikram yoga in the kitchens. 

HORATIO ho-ratio: 0/10. unproblematic. pure as the driven snow. all sexual fantasies are filled with enthusiastic consent and respectful lovemaking. wants his first time to be special, with a person he loves. has kissed one person in his whole life and refused to brag about it to his friends. “if you’re asking me how many times I’ve been in love, the answer is two. but the rest I won’t talk about.” 

YORRICK ho-ratio: 2/10. literally a skull. made out with hamlet. not proud of it.

THE GHOST ho-ratio: 3/10. won’t shut up about his ex-wife during sexual encounters. generally unsexy to be around. very cold.

POLONIUS ho-ratio: 7/10. just happy, and surprised, to be here.

ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN ho-ratio: 13/10. exclusively engage in threesomes. always down to experiment. well-known on campus for hosting parties with competitive Sexy Poetry Readings, which is when guests are invited to recite poetry naked, and instead of applause are given kisses. just here to have a good time. unfairly murdered. gone 2 soon. always in our hearts.

THE PIRATES ho-ratio: 15/10. all pirates are sluts for treasure.

a) a ho-ratio is about your HO RATIO, which is about more than whether or not you’ve simply had sex and also getting an abortion doesn’t make you a ho so not to be all whatever about this but fuck off, and 

b) she is a 5/10 because even i pretend to agree with you that she boned hamlet, which i don’t because i’m smart and all your high school english teachers are dumb and i don’t need “evidence” to back me up when i have “confidence based on nothing”, she only did it once because hamlet was bad at it, FOR. SURE. she immediately was like “actually i’m probably gay” and if nOTHING else killed herself out of distress about having to be potentially a member of hamlet’s family. which is fair. wouldn’t we all.

maybe my trauma wasn’t bad enough

maybe what happened was just my fault??

but what if I can’t hold that person accountable? what if they meant well

what if I don’t have the right to be angry?

but what if they didn’t know they were hurting me? maybe its my fault for not saying it

it’s my fault, i’ve always been hiding how badly things hurt me

i’m just weak and pathetic and everything hurts me it’s not their fault i’m like this

hey this this thing actually happen or did i make that up

if i ask abuser they’ll tell me i made it up that must be true they do say i’m delusional

maybe if I’ve done something differently this wouldn’t have happened

guilt guilt guilt guilt

what if abuser is right tho? what if they’re telling the truth and it’s okay to tell it in insults then?

i’m garbage, i knew it

yeah everyone deserves compassion and comfort but me? no.

I am the sole person who is just bad enough to deserve everything that has happened to me

no this person didn’t mean to hurt my feelings i’m just too sensitive!!!

maybe someone else wouldn’t be hurt by this, this means its my fault

i hate myself

how long until everyone realizes i’m just a fake and there’s nothing valuable inside of me

yeah they like me now but i’m going to fuck it up and they’ll hate me like everyone else

was that abuse? no it can’t be. its my fault. if I wasn’t the way I am it wouldn’t have happened

everything people do to me is just what I deserved

what this person is doing bothers me so I have to try harder not to be bothered by it

this person is wrong but everyone believes them so it must be okay

yeah they hate me but i don’t want them to leave me maybe i can get them to hate me less

yeah this person is hurting me but i still need them in my life maybe if i change myself

it doesn’t matter if they hurt me, i’m used to it

what if everyone abandons me and I die alone

this person scares me but I can’t let that affect me

I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I need to get over my feelings

I can’t let anyone notice how I feel or they will hate me

how does everyone just stay calm? why can’t I do that

I’m a burden on everyone, I bet they’d all be happier if I wasn’t there

if I disappeared right now wouldn’t everything be better?

This continues to be a side-project of mine. I sometimes really wish it was the 1800s and I could just up and declare myself a scientist and doctor and everyone would go with it. I’m planning to take these to my (autism-specialist) therapist tomorrow. I’ve done a bit of revising, added a few points, and clarified the impairment bit. Thoughts?

A. Differences in perception (at least 3)

1. Sensory defensiveness (ie, complaints or avoidance of any of the following: loud noises or places, bright lights, textures (food or object/clothing), tastes, smells, touch)

2. Sensory seeking (ie, stims or stimming behaviour such as rocking, flapping, finger flicking, hair twirling, spinning objects, etc or actively desiring any of the following: deep pressure or touch, vestibular sensation [swings, spinning in any context, etc], specific smells, tastes, or textures)

3. Auditory processing difficulties

4. Unusual, awkward, or delayed motor skills, or asymmetry between gross and fine motor skills (ie, clumsy but with strong fine motor skills, good gross motor skills with poor hand-writing or table skills, strong skills in a special-interest related area but poor overall [such as an ability to manipulate small objects but poor handwriting])

5. A reduced or lack of conscious awareness and/or use of allistic (not autistic) nonverbal behaviour and communication such as facial expression, gesture, and posture. This criterion should not exclude persons who have learnt to read or otherwise comprehend nonverbal behaviour by rote learning, particularly adults. Intentional learning to overcome an inherent difficulty in comprehension is supportive of this criterion. It should also not exclude persons who have been taught to use nonverbals to be less visibly different. In such cases, internal report of difficulty should take precedence over apparent behaviour.

B. Differences in cognition (at least 3, one of which must be 1 or 2)

1. Difficulty in beginning or ending (at least 1):

Perseverative thoughts or behaviours  

Needing prompts (visual, verbal, hand-over-hand, etc) to begin or finish a task

Difficulties planning complex activities

Catatonia

Difficulty switching between activities

Lack of apparent startle response

Preference for sameness (same food, same clothes, same travel routes, etc)

2. Difficulty in using language (at least 1, not necessarily present at all times):

Problems with pronoun use that are developmentally inappropriate

A reduced or lack of awareness of tone in self (ie, speaks in a monotone, childish, or otherwise unusual manner) and/or others (ie, does not perceive sarcasm or follow implied prompts, responds to rhetorical statements and questions in earnest)

A reduced or lack of awareness of volume (ie, speaks too loud or too quietly for the situation)

No functional language use (includes sign, PECS, spoken, written, and any other communicative language regardless of form)

Echolalia

Mutism in some or all situations

Uses scripts instead of spontaneous language (these may also be delayed echolalic in nature)

3. At least one special interest in a topic that is unusual for any combination of intensity (ie, does not want to learn/talk about anything else, collects all information about the topic) or subject matter (ie, unusual, obscure, or not considered age appropriate). Topics may be age appropriate and/or common (such as a popular television show or book), but the intensity of interest and/or specific behaviour (such as collecting or organising information as the primary focus) should be taken into account.

4. Asymmetry of cognitive skills

5. Talents in any pattern recognition, including music, mathematics, specific language structures, puzzles, and art (any one meets this criterion, not all must be present)

6. A tendency to focus on details instead of the broader picture, across contexts.

“You called yourself out for ‘straighsplaining’“ 

the whole bi thing goes completely over charles’ head and he keeps getting really aggro like “oh you and jake were real close huh?? too bad, sucker jake is MY best friend!” 

everybody else is like “charles no” 

Come on @morthils this isn’t Gina Linetti we’re talking about. Stay in character.

The only way Jake would have had a high school boyfriend and not told Amy and Holt is if Jake himself did not realize that this dude was his boyfriend.

He would describe the relationship to Amy and she’d be like, “So you guys were dating” and he’d be like “It wasn’t like that that” and she’d be like:

:|

and Jake would be like, OH MY GOD. I HAD A BOYFRIEND IN HIGH SCHOOL. WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME THIS.

(A note: the book is written for women who suffer intimate partner violence at the hands of men, because it is sorely needed and because that’s what the author has professional experience with. However, this insight is valuable for people of all genders, and also in situations in which the abuser is not a partner or former partner.)

“How can I help my daughter, sister, or friend who is being abused?

If you would like to make a significant difference in the life of an abused woman you care about, keep the following principle fresh in your mind: your goal is to be the complete opposite of what the abuser is.

THE ABUSER: Pressures her severely

SO YOU SHOULD: Be patient. Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation. It is not helpful for her to try to follow your timetable for when she should stand up to her partner, leave him, call the police, or whatever step you want her to take. You need to respect her judgement regarding when she is ready to take action - something her abuser never does.

THE ABUSER: Talks down to her

SO YOU SHOULD: Address her as an equal. Avoid all traces of condescension or superior knowledge in your voice. This caution applies just as much or more to professionals. If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.

THE ABUSER: Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does

SO YOU SHOULD: Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don’t assume that you know what she needs to do. I have sometimes given abused women suggestions that I thought were exactly right but turned out to be terrible for that particular situation. Ask her what she thinks might work and, without pressuring her, offer suggestions, respecting her explanations for why certain courses of action would not be helpful. Don’t tell her what to do.

THE ABUSER: Dominates conversations

SO YOU SHOULD: Listen more and talk less. The temptation may be great to convince her what a “jerk” he is, to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of this book. But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats her. If you want her to value her own feelings and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.

THE ABUSER: Believes he has the right to control her life

SO YOU SHOULD: Respect her right to self-determination. She is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with her abusive partner or to return to him after a separation. You can’t convince a woman that her life belongs to her if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you. Stay by her even when she makes choices that you don’t like.

THE ABUSER: Assumes he understands her children and their needs better than she does

SO YOU SHOULD: Assume that she is a competent, caring mother. Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for the children of an abused woman. Even if she leaves the abuser, the children’s problems are not necessarily over, and sometimes abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children postseparation than before. You cannot help her to find the best path for her children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face her.

THE ABUSER: Thinks for her

SO YOU SHOULD: Think with her. Don’t assume the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member.

I know it’s easier to be like ~boo hooo the world is so evil and there’s nothing I can dooo~ but it’s statistically and experientially understood, just by fucking 3rd grade logic, that a bigot will be less amenable towards the subject of their bigotry.

Bigots don’t just ~not like~ minorities- they don’t think we’re human. It’s not about whether they agree with you or not in the moment. Like, pause.

Understand this:

Calls to action for white people to oppose bigotry are calls for white people to position themselves as opposition. THEY ARE NOT CALLS FOR ~SUCCESSFUL DEBATE~

Do not think you are expected nor are you likely to just go around arguing with bigots and they’ll go ‘I agree with you because you’re white!’. 

Your job is to be sandpaper.

Every time they open their mouths to make a bigoted joke, or a bigoted remark, or post their shitty bigoted opinion online, you grate against them.

Your job is to make it hard to be a bigot or a fascist. Your job is to ostracize them. Your job is to speak over them the way they love to speak over minorities. Your job is to make it difficult, lonely, annoying, stressful and unwelcome to be a bigot.

When you are white and silent, You are making it easy. You are just letting it happen.

When minorities speak up for themselves, they are in danger, and the bigot just writes off our arguments as the chattering of ‘lessers’.

You, white people, whether you think so or not, are their peers.

Specifically those of you who look and talk like, to an outside observation, your average white american.

Bigots think you all think like them, but are too scared to say it. That, or you’re too much of a coward to stop them.

YOUR JOB IS TO PUSH BACK AND PROVE THEM WRONG.

YOUR JOB IS TO SEPARATE THEM FROM THEIR OWN COMMUNITY AT LARGE.

You are supposed to support victims of bigotry because it’s the right thing to do. Because it’s YOUR truth. Even if no one in your family agrees, doing the right thing is just plain human decency and honesty.

Now, to speak to your unique situation, a consideration that I think a lot of people haven’t had the chance to make:

  Speaking out in defense of your father’s chosen victims is one thing. Speaking out in support of said victims is another. If it seems like fighting your dad on this rallies his Bigot Backup Crew, consider this question: How often do you speak openly in praise, favor and support of minorities? 

Another: Do you respond to your father with questions? Or do you make accusations? Ask him why he says that. Not even as if you’re hurt or upset. In fact… Listen. I am a person who would risk bodily harm to use a sharp tongue, so fair warning please make this consideration of your own will bc I don’t know you or your father but I will say this approach can hurt egos and thus it could cause extra tension.

1. Ask your father why he says the things he says. Ask flatly. Not defensively. Not emotionally. Not because you don’t care, but because he is clearly, in this situation your inferior. He is not smarter or wiser, in his bigotry he has shown his opinions to be dull and disappointing. Ask him as if you don’t care what his answer is- the ball may end up in your court, leading him to defensively support his argument. It doesn’t matter what he says here unless it’s an apology. Whatever he says, if its negative, just judge him silently. But repeat this.

2. Remind your father of his fear. If he is a bigot he is afraid. He is small and scared. He will not admit this, and does not want it brought up. He will fight the idea. But it will weaken him, because he will feel the lack of respect. To him, ‘respect’ (being feared) and power are huge parts of his identity. Small comments like ‘what are you afraid of?’ and ‘why are you threatened all the time?’ will upset his stance. Be patient.

3. Comment openly in praise of minorities. Little things. Big things. Not even for his sake, but for the sake of expressing your support. Defense isn’t everything. Let him know where your heart lies.

Thankfully my father is a thoughtful, gentle man, and this conversation occurred because he was struggling with his reaction and willing to talk to and ask questions of a friend of mine from this group about things he struggled with.

Twitter made the Jewish lady that posted this delete it for “threatening violence.”

“Nazis are monsters” “I would not be friends with a monster” The CORRECT conclusion is “I cannot be friends with Nazis” BUT PEOPLE KEEP BELIEVING THE COROLLARY “None of my friends are Nazis” “…even that one guy who keeps posting ‘ironic’ Pepe memes, who never really grew out of his 4Chan /pol/ phase, and who keeps trying to have really intense conversations with me about ‘globalists’. But he’s my friend! I’ve known him forever! He doesn’t REALLY believe any of that stuff. He’s just kind of an asshole, and we love him anyway.” This is a very bad corollary. It is an extraordinarily dangerous corollary. When we sincerely believe that we would not be friends with bad people, we ignore the signs that our friends are bad people.