Lazy Baby

I asked my lawyer if I could make that joke and he said, “let me call another lawyer”, and that lawyer said yes. 

I love "how do you do math?" questions. Here's how my brain does it:

that they aren’t about to lose their job (or life) over a spilled cup or broken vase?

that he’s not trying to trick them when he says they can relax the ornate and complex flattery each time they leave the room?

that he means it when he bans corporal punishment in the palace (and out of it) and that they really can come to him if someone forgets that rule?

that they haven’t upset him or wronged him when he asks to take his meal without the full serving staff of twenty watching him?

zuko is sensitive, even when he tries not to be, and watching these people be so afraid of him would break his heart. but that also means we gets to see it when they begin to open up to him.

firelord zuko who’s feeding the turtleduks when a toddler comes running over. she almost topples into the water but zuko sweeps her up before she’s in any danger. he holds her in his lap and shows her how to feed them gently. when the mother comes careening out screaming for her child she stops short at the sight of zuko and collapses into a bow, head to the floor. she begs forgiveness but zuko shakes his head, and offers his hand for her to stand. he hands over her daughter, asks the girl’s name. his guard calls him back into meetings so he leaves with a smile and a bow to both of them. it’s the first time a child hasn’t been afraid of zuko here in the fire nation, and he smiles all week

firelord zuko who spends months trying to win over the kitchen staff enough the let him make his own tea. they refuse at first (as much as one is allowed to) and stand on principle. but zuko is patient, so patient, so he begins to visit the kitchens once a week. he tells the head chef he’s going to come, it’s not a surprise. and he just thanks the staff, asks their names, maybe mentions an earth nation dish he had that’s native to a region who’s dignitaries are coming. once he’s been a few times he asks about their lives. simple things, never much more than yes or no answers; he doesn’t want to force them into speaking more than they’re comfortable just because he is their firelord. but 10 months in, and he finally convinces the guards, tasters, and head chef he can make his own tea. the head chef still insists on checking the tea as it comes in (special shipment from the jasmine dragon of course) because he’s been working in the palace for a long time and he’s seen many leaders but zuko is the first firelord he’s actually wanted to serve. and he’s seen this 18 year old kid trying so damn hard to help the palace and nation heal, tying so hard to win favor with his dishwashers, that he wants to keep safe. he may not prepare the tea, but not a leaf gets to the firelord that isn’t personally checked by him.

and in a couple years, the permeating sense of fear and dread begins to leech out of the palace. maybe the maids start humming in the corridors, maybe the washer women laugh and talk as they go about their business, maybe the royal dressers don’t flinch at the scars all across their young leaders skin anymore

Trans women can’t exist without everyone reminding them that someone out their hates them, even people in their communities, and we as allies HAVE to do better. Instead of saying “terfs don’t look at this” or whatever preformative allyship floats your boat- deplatorm terfs, block them and STOP ENGAGING, and uplift trans fem voices!!!

-The other night I rolled over in the middle of the night to shake my partner awake, proceeded to tell him how I was glad that ‘this time round we would truly have the freedom to love each other properly’ and how his hands belonged to his last self, but his eyes had never changed in all the lives I’d known him. And he just laid there in the dark like wtf because I was asleep. Like I’d woken him to tell him that all in my sleep and then left him to have a crisis.

- Watching the history channel with my Pop on the couch, tender age of 7, and they’re talking about crucifixion. And my pop, ever the funny man, is like “that looks like it aughta hurt”. And I just turn to look at him and without hesitation reply “only at first”. And he’s like “what do you mean” and tiny me just shrugged and said “well there’s a place beyond the hurt where everything just stops” and he turned the telly off and left the room.

- night before Christmas 2012, dreamt I’d been stabbed in the lungs by an angel with the face of a falcon. He looked at me and told me he had to do it, so that ‘my next breath would come as a rebirth’. When he started to glow so brightly that it burned my eyes, I woke up to all the lights in my house on and a dark bruise beneath my rib cage. Will admit, that one freaked me out.

- walked past a graveyard with a friend back in middle school on the way to her house, and mid conversation I stopped talking and stood stock still, looked over at the walls,and quietly said “I have a friend in there”. Then picked up the conversation and continued strolling like nothing had happened. To be fair, I didn’t realise what I’d said. She still tells me I’m the reason she can’t walk past that graveyard anymore.

- a couple of years ago when I was in Wales I walked past an old stone house just outside of Aberystwyth, and just started to weep. I had the overwhelming thought that I needed to be in there to get dinner ready for the children, but in a different life so long ago and so impossible to reach, that thefeeling of loss was instant and overwhelming.

- was about to use a pedestrian crossing, when my whole body just sort of went hey don’t do that, and so I stopped and put my arm out to stop the woman who was crossing behind me, and 2 seconds later a car came skidding around the corner and crashed into the tree on the other side of the crossing, and I just whispered “ha, not this time” and didn’t really think about it until later when I realised I’d nearly died again. (Btw i waited for th ambulance to show up and the dude driving the car was fine, just hit his head and was drunk af at 10:30am on a Thursday).

- another dream I had just this week, I was sitting in an otherwise empty cinema with a tall, thin man. I can’t really recall what he looked like, except he was well dressed, impossibly pale, and he kind of blurred when you looked directly at him, so I mainly watched him out the corner of my eye and looked ahead at the blank movie screen. He was holding my hand, and he asked me if i enjoyed my life. I said yes and explained why. He then said, almost verbatim, “And how does this one weigh against the last? Can it tip the scales, or is it, at last, to be found lacking?” And I replied, almost verbatim “I weigh my lives against my joy, and each life I find there is more joy to be discovered.” He replied with a laugh, lifted my hand to a kiss and said “till next time then” and disappeared. I woke up in the dark with both my cats sitting on me, alert, and staring out my bedroom door.

My sister and I have also been known to argue in our sleep. Witnesses assure us that whatever made the shouting start, we both knew what it was and were mad about it. We don’t need to be in the same room for this.