My Back Hurts

I deserve to have my dick played with like a joystick

tore the other bitch

woke up this morning, rolled over, and very confidently tried to blow out my alarm clock like a candle. absolutely no precedent for that.

Ebeneezer in 1742 wakes with a start as for some reason he has put out his guttering candle by slapping atop it ith the palm of his hand. His hand is burned and his nightgown and cap are spattered with hot wax.

you all hate the position i sleep in because you haven’t advanced to my level and you’re jealous of my mental acuity and caustic wit as well as being extremely good at sleeping

I'm pretty sure open portals are against OSHA regulations

It took me a few moments to realise that these people are inside a warehouse type building and have opened a door to show the wild weather outside they are not in fact outside opening the door of their warehouse to show us the weather they are keeping inside

*taking notes for a fantasy story* They are now

This post is so funny to me. I watched it back on tiktok, and every single person in the comments section was just ripping into this guy. They were being so mean to Coleman over this, it was unreal. But every single other place it gets posted to people love this guy. Coleman, I hope you're seeing these reposts, we accept you as part of the LGBTC+ community.

dear god please let our new baby octopus feel confident enough to move out of her corner hiding spot today while i’m on exhibits so i can see her properly for the first time amen

As someone who knows a fair amount of German I’m trying to translate these tweets myself and Scheiß can also be used for fuck as well as shit so it can also be “my fucking dog Tank of Peace is drifting 200 nautical miles off the Colombian coast” is a whole new level of funny too me