one flesh one end

ok a part of me thought this might become a fic but I think I've decided it probably won't so it can go on here instead but recently I've been thinking about Jackie Pike and her wanting another kid because she's "bored" and look. I get that this woman has a whole army of people to clean her house and cook her meals and raise her children for her but I struggle to picture a woman with (I'm assuming, from the fact that the metros watched Ilya win the cup at Hayden's) Head WAG Duties is bored. like maybe this is showing my hand on that I don't know much about sports and by extension WAGs but in my head this woman is going to almost every home game and organising baby showers and bottomless brunches and hosting a monthly book club and mediating the fallout between Olivia and Rebecca by inviting them around to the house, one at a time, to pour them a mug of appetite suppressant tea and hum out sympathetic noises at them and finally, after she's validated all of their anger, gently suggest that maybe it was a bit of a misunderstanding and the other woman didn’t mean what she had said quite as it was taken, before moving the conversation on and just leaving the idea to sit until the next time they catch each other and she can press the point a little further so that over the course of the next month (three weeks if she really does her job well) the pair will slowly reconcile. (one day, god willing, Shane Hollander will finally deem one of the girls she and Hayden shove in his direction worthy of caring about more than hockey and Jackie will dance in the fucking street.) she's going to the gym daily and having three hour appointments at the salon once a fortnight so that her skin/hair/nails/teeth/lashes/whatever the fuck else can stay absolutely flawless so that she doesn't get a deluge of strangers online asking what a first line player for the Montreal fucking Metros is doing with a 6 on a good day (which is an actual comment that she read in the comments of Hayden’s instagram after she’d had the twins, when it had taken a little too long for her to lose the pregnancy fat. Hayden had said that she shouldn’t listen to them, that she was always beautiful to him, but she had not failed to notice the fact that they had fucked much less frequently during that period.)

and she should point out that she had known it would be like this. Hayden had told her when they met in a dingy nightclub that he was a hockey player and she'd kind of rolled her eyes and imagined him on a beer league team, but then they’d gone on a date the following week (because the sex had been good, and she'd found him oddly charming the next morning, blinking at her in the morning light - all tangled up in his sheets, hair probably a bird's nest and dark smudges probably circling her eyes because he hadn't had any eye makeup remover and her mascara never came off properly with just soap - "fuck," he'd said, breath light as if slightly awestruck, "I'd though it was just the alcohol but," he'd laughed then, and Jackie had thought he looked kind of adorable with his face split in a boyish grin, "I mean, Jesus, you're perfect.") and when she’d asked about his job he’d laughed and said “I told you. I play hockey,” so of course she'd looked him up as soon as she'd gotten home now that she had a last name for him, asked her parents about him too and regretted it immediately because, naturally, as lifelong metros fans, they had told him that she better not fuck this up. so she'd known that Hayden was a hockey player, and by the time she had married him she had understood what it would mean to be his wife. she'd known that with Hayden there would be financial security and a certain level of social status and in return her life, her body would not be hers anymore, not fully. she would be expected to recalibrate her universe so that it revolved entirely around him, she would be expected to push out kids as and when Hayden wanted them, she would be expected to shape her body and home and routine to fit the expectations of her husband, and to a lesser extent, the vast, scrutinising masses of fans and the tabloid magazines. this tradeoff (autonomy for security and/or status) was one that women had been making in some form or another for millennia before her and would probably continue to make for millennia to come and had looked at a world becoming increasingly uncertain around her, at her brother who was flitting from one odd job to the next and scrabbling to make ends meet even with a bachelor's degree, and decided that it was a deal she was happy to make.

and Hayden's better than most. he's a little clueless at times, and they get into arguments every now and again - she's not trying to claim that her marriage is perfect -  but underneath it all he has a good heart, he's a good guy. he's firm with his mother (who seems to view Jackie as a gold-digging harlot who could never be good enough for her son) and he tries to do his part at home every now and again (does as he's told with a jokey little yes ma'am when she says honey, would you take the cheese and meat platter out of the fridge, it should be at room temperature when people get here, and tries to find one day a month to take the kids out to the park or the aquarium or whatever because Jackie had told him she was worried about how little they saw of him after the twins hadn't seemed to recognise which player was daddy when the coverage of an away game had cut to Hayden and Shane on the bench), and he's respectful of her and what she wants (listens attentively to opinion before making decisions that affect them both, and never requires any explanation on the nights that she gently pushes his hand away as it slides under the covers and down the length of her body - though this is, of course, a privilege that she is aware she should use as sparingly as possible) and he thinks the world of her, borderline reverent, his capacity to compliment or brag about her seemingly inexhaustible (although it often comes in a form that seems sort of patronising, yeah, Jackie's wicked good at all that, aren't you babe? hey, tell them about the time you... like she's a kindergartener being encouraged to share with the class) and perhaps most importantly he wouldn't ever hit her and he hasn't ever cheated (or, at least, she really believes he hasn’t, talks about the few teammates who regularly do with such open disgust that she can’t believe that he ever would). he rolls his eyes and ignores the rare girl sliding into his DMs (he'd given her the password to the account as a demonstration of that fact that she could trust him not to engage with any of it, and later the passcode to his phone, even though she'd told him that she didn't need it, already trusted him), sometimes shows her the message if he thinks it's funny so that they can laugh about it together, and blocks the sender if they're forward enough to make it clear that they're looking to fuck and then he tells her that they're all fucking idiots, can't they see that he already has the most beautiful, smart, sexy, perfect woman in the entire world? (this is often said with kisses pressed to some exposed bit of flesh interspersed between the words.) why the fuck would he ever want anything else? and so Hayden does a little better than the bare minimum which is good, obviously, she’s glad that she’s chosen to build a life with someone who sees it exactly as that - building something together. and there’s the fact that he knows this, knows that he's A Good Guy, gets this look on his face, when he says he'll clean everything up after a date night dinner, smug smile on his lips as he carries two fucking plates into the kitchen and loads them into the dishwasher, as if the cleaner didn’t come earlier and do all the hard stuff, and when she blows him on the couch later, she can tell that there is a part of him that sees it as his dues, for having been so thoughtful. but whatever, she’d rather have a husband who tried his best to be good to her and sometimes got a little self-satisfied about it than one who treated her badly.

and anyway I've lost the thread a little bit but this is all just setting the scene for the juicy bit which I have been daydreaming about which is that Jackie is like 25 with her two year old twins and her newborn baby and it was a rough delivery. (wait sorry actually this is more scene setting FUCK we’ll get there at some point.) the first had been bad as well and back then they'd assumed that it was just because it was twins but then this one was worse, which she'd known when she had opened her eyes to Hayden in a chair by the bed holding her hand and the first thing he'd said once he'd realised she was awake was "fuck, Jacks. had me scared for a minute there." he’d tried to laugh, infuse some levity into his tone, but she could see in his eyes how much he meant it. They had spoken to the nurses, who had simultaneously tried to convince them that it wasn’t so big a deal, nothing they haven’t seen before, and also pressed on them that were they to get pregnant again they should speak to a midwife immediately about Jackie’s history and she should be monitored closely from 30 weeks at the very latest. after three days in the hospital (or idk fancy rich people birthing clinic or whatever) they go home and hand the newborn off to the nanny who will be living with them for at least the next year, until the little one is on solid food and can reliably sleep through the night and finally get some time to themselves and Hayden insists on doing everything for her - the same way he had while she was pregnant too, constantly caring and attentive, so insistent on giving as much as he could within the constraints of his schedule - which means heating up the meal plan that they had ordered once they knew they'd be coming home and fetching her favourite pyjamas from the stack of clothing that has been laundered while they were gone and hauling her feet into his lap where she’s laying down on the sofa so that he can dig his thumbs into the arches of her feet in a way that has her eyes fluttering closed, the mumble of commentators on some western conference game turned down low the only sound in the room. at one point, seemingly out of nowhere, Hayden says “I genuinely was a little worried.” two days ago he had been ‘scared’, she thinks with a frown and, too exhausted to say anything but the truth, she tells him bluntly, “maybe we stop now, maybe three is enough.” Hayden's from a big family - one of six kids - and he's always said how important it was to him growing up surrounded by a gaggle of siblings, and how he wanted his children to grow up the same way. Jackie had told him that she wanted to give him that. had understood when she married him that she was expected to give him that. still, he only nods, "of course. yeah, of course. whatever you want." because Hayden's A Good Guy.

whatever she wants. except that time passes, and the baby grows and Hayden holds him with a look of wonder in his eyes because, to his credit, he has always been just as enthusiastic about the raising of his children (where he can in between the hockey) as the making of them (this, she supposes, is easier when they hire people to do all of the unpleasant parts for them, but is still more than can be said for one or two of his teammates). he coos about how he'll be a hockey player one day, just like his daddy - he can tell by the tightness of his grip on Hayden's finger. "you put a stick in his hand right now and he'd be ready to go," he jokes. the twins had done the same too - she's pretty sure that every baby has the instinct to hold tightly when something is pressed into their palm, and Ruby especially had been a menace, forever grabbing at handfuls of Jackie's hair and refusing to let go - but she'd never heard him say that about either of them. that Christmas, they host Hayden's parents and three of his siblings, a total of 14 grandchildren running or crawling or being carried around the house and at one point while Jackie is taking a moment to herself in the kitchen and daydreaming about the day they all disappear and she can get a team of cleaners in to dig the bits of crayon out of the carpet and clean grubby fingerprints off windows and walls and feel a little more like this space is her own again (she thinks of the house as hers because she’s the one who made all the suggestions of how to make it feel like theirs even if Hayden had final say, and she’s the one looks over the running of it day to day. when they’re out with people and Hayden invites them over he says you guys should come back to mine for a couple of drinks not come back to ours and she understands that the squeeze of his hand on her waist is a that’s ok, right, babe? and that’s something, she supposes as she smiles and nods like she’s supposed to) Hayden startles her from her thoughts by slipping his arms around her waist and hooking his chin over her shoulder. she relaxes into him, breathing out a slow breath, and then he's turning his face to press his mouth to the side of her neck, and then, against her skin, "isn't it so nice? a house full of kids laughing?" and something twists in the pit of her stomach. so it carries on like that. The Olssons announce their first baby to the team at a barbecue and Hayden's clapping Erik on the shoulder, face split wide in a grin. "jealous of you, buddy," he says amongst the congratulations and the well wishes and the offers of advice or help if they need it. the twins become a little obsessed with the baby, always want to watch him in his crib, little chubby finger reaching out to poke inquisitively at him until someone can drag them away. "you see it starts now, them ganging up on him," Hayden says with a put on frown, and Jackie knows that he is speaking from experience. "need a little brother don't you?” he coos, “to even it out."

as the night of his birth gets buried further and further in the past, Jackie thinks about how it had taken only two days for Hayden to go from ‘scared’ to ‘worried’. she wonders if he would even characterise himself as lightly concerned now that nine months have passed, or if he'd just shrug and say yeah, it was a little rough, but I knew she'd pull through. in the end, the final straw comes after the first roadie of the new season. Hayden accidentally leaves his phone on the counter when he goes to practice and Jackie does what she occasionally does after a long time apart and scrolls back through his internet history to find the porn he's watched on the road. it's just nice to know sometimes, what he gets off to, what he wants when she’s not around. what she finds is a string of women who are presumably on such strictly monitored birth control regimen that it would take a small miracle for them to get pregnant, whining and pleading for it anyway. a string of men promising to cum deep enough inside them to make that miracle happen. Jackie quietly deletes the tabs and deletes the rewatches from the history (though she knows Hayden will never check) and very calmly places the phone back down on the counter.

six months ago, just after the baby was born, the Wilsons had gotten divorced. he was now dating a 21 year old influencer and the timeline on when they had gotten together was a little murky (it was certainly before all of the relevant legal documents had been finalised, but there was a small chance that there has been at least a couple of months overlap). Morgan remained infuriatingly tight-lipped when they met up with her - brunches and yoga sessions and drinks downtown organised in a separate group chat because Morgan had been swiftly replaced with the new girlfriend (Sofia,or the child, as Morgan referred to her) in the official WAGs chat. the first time Wilson had brought her to a potluck, Jackie had frozen when she opened the door. it had been on Hayden - who had come up behind her, a hand sliding to rest on the small of her back - to say “hey, you made it! good to see you, man,” as he clapped Wilson on the shoulder. “and you must be Sofia, nice to finally meet you! I’m Hayden, this is my gorgeous wife Jackie. she runs the ship ‘round here; you need anything just ask her. she’ll take good care of you, I promise.” the atmosphere had been considerably less friendly when they’d ushered them through to the open plan kitchen-living room where the rest of the team were milling with beers in hand. the WAGs had been huddled into a corner and cooing over the Stedlunds’ youngest, and the group had only calcified upon the addition to the party, making it clear that there would be no weak spots for only homewreckers to weasel their way in through. Sofia, in return, had turned away from the group, as if to say well, I wouldn’t want to talk to any of you either. the guys had tried their hardest, but Jackie was probably the only one of the WAGs who had said more than a few terse words to her and the party had disbanded much earlier than expected under the weight of the tense atmosphere. the  frosty reception had continued as she began to show up to the occasional game. Hayden had come to her about it once, "hey, jacks, could you talk to the girls about Sofia, Wilson said she was feeling a bit left out, like the rest of the girls don’t want her around, and he’s a little worried about it. don’t want it to affect his game, you know." Jackie had stared blankly at him for almost twenty seconds, thinking we brought Morgan a casserole after her mom's cancer diagnosis. you came with me. "we're here for you, whatever happens," you said. I heard those words come out of your mouth, before she had forced her mouth into some approximation of a smile, taken a deep breath, and said "of course, honey. I'm sure they didn't mean to make her feel that way. I'll try my best to smooth things over a little." she'd invited Sofia out to a fancy new coffee shop because she'd figured that would be the kind of place that her type might like and they'd both sat there awkwardly and stumbled their way through a stilted conversation, both of them acutely aware of how little the other wanted to be there but that hadn’t mattered. neither of them had been there for themselves. and it had worked in the end: Hayden had come to her a few days later and thanked her, said that Wilson had told him he'd spoken to Sofia and she felt much more welcomed into the group now. in the WAGs box, the women were still as coolly cordial with her as they had always been, so Jackie had been certain that Sofia had only said this so as to not be forced through the ordeal again, but the boys were happy at least - Hayden never brought it up again so presumably neither had Wilson - and really what else were her and Sofia here for? she knows that Hayden's a good guy but Wilson had seemed like a good guy. Jackie thinks that maybe all men are good guys until they're not. until they want something they can’t get where they are and figure there is no harm in finding it elsewhere. 

a part of her wishes he'd just ask. or, even better, wishes that he would just tell her - would outright say, "I want another child. we are having another child." that's what she had signed up for. they had made a deal. Hayden had followed through on his end, had provided the security (Shane Hollander wasn't exactly going anywhere and he played best with Hayden on his wing, and so Hayden had managed to position himself so that he wasn’t going anywhere either) and the status and now it was her turn to hold up her end. but he’s A Good Guy. he won’t ask it of her, even if he wants to, will just hold it inside of himself until it festers and rots and spreads, until its destroyed the foundations of the life that Jackie has so carefully built. she can not let that happen. she has grown too used to it - the big house and the team of people who take care of it for her, the dinners out at fancy restaurants decked out in fabrics that feel smooth as butter against her skin, the holidays on far-flung beaches and the freedom that money affords. and she will not have her children growing up seeing even less of their father than they already do

so it's on Jackie to find a suitable gap in his schedule, to arrange a stay with her mother for the children and ask the nanny to pick them up from there the next morning instead of home, to buy a new dress and pretty, lacy things to go underneath it and to do her hair and make-up, aiming for as close to a natural look as possible because when JJ had for five weeks dated an instagram influencer who all of the girls had unanimously agreed could only be described as tacky, Hayden had wrinkled his nose as Jackie had asked what he thought of her after their double date, the two of them side by side in bed. Jackie was much prettier, he had insisted, rolling over onto his stomach to press a kiss to her collarbones, and all natural. she had had to stifle a laugh, certain that it would not be appreciated as he kissed his way down her stomach, because, sure, Jackie had never had a boob job and her teeth were all her own but she struggled to see how you might characterise a look that took hundreds of dollars each month to maintain as "natural". she had filed it away though - is always careful to keep her make-up to a few coats of mascara, lipsticks in soft, subtle pinkish shades and never gloss, some subtle contour and a delicate sweep of eyeliner, just along her lash lines. maybe a little blush, but that’s it. once she’s all done up she checks the time and puts dinner in the oven, a big ceramic dish that had been prepared for her and waited in the fridge until she knew Hayden would be on his way home. she hears the door open and close, hears the sound of his kit bag hitting the floor, and she’s only just turned towards him as he rounds the corner. "fucking hell," he breathes as he rounds the corner, eyes raking hungrily over her and then he's on her, arms around her waist and mouth on the side of her neck, where she had spritzed his favourite perfume just half an hour before. his lips drag against her skin as he speaks. "is it our anniversary or something? did I forget?" he jokes (he has never once forgotten their anniversary, which is in the middle of the off-season, but if they make the playoffs he does sometimes forget her birthday, for which he always apologises by having an an unthinkable extravagant bouquet of flowers and a box of treats from her favourite patisserie delivered as soon as he remembers). his hair tickles as it brushes against her, still damp from a quick turn under the locker room showers just to get the worst of the grime off for the drive home. he still smells a little of the rink - something she couldn’t describe but has come to recognise intimately over the years. were she to swipe her tongue against the hidden nooks and crannies of him, the parts easily forgotten under a quick, cursory swipe of soap over his body, she would still taste salt on his skin. she forces herself to wrinkle her nose and pull away from him even though it does make her squirm a little - his desire, written out so clearly. it is a little narcissistic but it does always make her feel so sexy to have him like this, to still be able to affect him this way. she's breathless already as she puts a few paces between them, tells him (with a firmness that is only partially undercut by the airiness of her voice and the barely hidden smile) "no. shower. and put something nice on. and then we'll eat. and then. maybe. if you're good," as if she hasn't spent three weeks planning this, as if this night ends any other way. he smirks at that, and takes a step closer, and then another, eyes on her - testing, she supposes, what she will do if he ignores her instructions, if he tells her no. not later. now. she doesn't know. she doesn't have to find out, because once he is in front of her he presses a single, chaste kiss to her lips, pulls back only far enough to whisper, "I can be good," smiling against her lips, and then he is gone again, and Jackie is smiling too.