Harper Holt

Educate yourself, know its ok to want what you want and feel what you feel.

“61% of self-identified women had fantasized about this [being forced to have sex] before, while 24% said they fantasized about it often.”

“54% of self-identified men had fantasized about this before, while 11.5% said they fantasized about it often.”

“68% of non-binary participants had fantasized about this before, while 31% said they fantasized about it often.”

Interestingly, the same guy also asked people about the inverse, i.e. did they fantasize about forcing sex on someone else, which he talks about in a blog post. He found (again using exact quotes):

“20% of self-identified women had fantasized about this [forcing sex on someone else] before, while 4% said they fantasized about it often”

“38% of self-identified men had fantasized about this before, while 7% said they fantasized about it often”

“38% of non-binary participants had fantasized about this before, while 9% said they fantasized about it often”

I recommend reading both articles, they go into a lot more detail than I’ve reported here. This guy also wrote a book on this topic, though I haven’t read it.

When I was a kid in about... Grade 8, I want to say, we had the Decameron in history of literature class. (For those who don't know, it's a book of short stories framed as "told by people trying to quarantine from the plague". It's mostly horror, humor and sex. Think COVID entertainment, but maybe more terrifying). We had a few stories from it selected in our reader, and the assignment was "pick a Decameron story and do an oral retelling."

At the time, me and another girl had just ceased routinely beating the shit out of each other with chairs, and instead had become friends in one of those delinquent-nerd duos. She taught me street smarts, I taught her weird intellectual shit. It was a beautiful friendship.

So of course when I saw the Decameron on the curriculum, I told her "you realize a lot of stories in that book are basically porn, right? Let me get you the unabridged version from my house."

My friend's eyes lit up. She read the whole thing in a few days.

Class time comes, and for the first and only time in our class one of the class delinquents shoots her hand up. The teacher goes, "oh wow, what just happened? All right, go ahead."

And of course my friend picked one of the pornier tales. If I recall, it was about a monk seducing a nun by telling her that men had devils, and women had hells, and occasionally one must contain a devil by sticking him into hell. The teacher has no choice but to listen because the assignment doesn't specify "pick a pre-selected story from the reader". It just says "pick a Decameron story."

The retelling was fantastic, as hilariously funny as the story itself, (she did voices and gestures!) and my friend got the class listening on the edge of their seats. My friend got her well-deserved A, the teacher got a pedagogical challenge, and it was a win-win all around. :P

Like, yeah, sure, it's all yikes. But did you hear Fenris talk frankly about how he wouldn't let himself think of killing himself because he wants to hold onto the belief that some things are worse than subjugation? Did you hear him say that even though he does miss him home, that doesn't mean he wants to go back? Did you hear him marvel at the way Isabela already has an entire smutty story about him written in her head?

Insensitive, crude, lacking any idea of privacy or common decency.

They are foul mouthed, always inappropriate, frequently the cause of all your troubles.

But they are also yours. They are the people who don't shy away from or tiptoe round your fucked up back story.

They will argue with you in the town square and turn up at your house with booze.

They'll say the shittiest things about you, but always to your face.

They will help you; whether its hunting down slavers; running escaped mages through the tunnels; fighting through bandits and gangs and giant spiders.

They are the people who get it, who get the fucked up nature of Kirkwall.

Who don't try and pretend ; who don't put a mask on and play by the rules.

Anyway, I keep seeing transandrophobia discourse that uses the argument, "transmisogyny is real but transandrophobia is not real, for the same reason misogynoir is real but misogyn-(white)-y isn't. Because being male or white isn't an oppressed identity."

And I think the analogy is the wrong analogy. For misogynoir, gender and race are DIFFERENT axes, and as such something like misogynoir is the combined experience of two SEPARATE axes of oppression. "Being trans" and "what your gender is" are NOT different axes. Which gender you have transitioned into is a detail OF the trans experience! Comparing this to intersecting two separate axes (race and sex) is fundamentally the wrong analogy!

Gay men and lesbian women both experience homophobia. They also have different experiences OF homophobia depending whether they're MLM or WLW. I think this is a significantly better analogy because, like with being trans, "same gender attraction" and "what gender you are" are NOT independent axes.

I would never fault a gay man for talking about the kinds of homophobia gay/bi men face, or a lesbian woman for talking about the kinds of homophobia targeted at lesbian/bi woman. Because there are some different societal reasons that people direct hate at men-loving-men and women-loving-women, which are, inextricably, tied to how society demands different genders act.

Like you cannot say "men shouldn't separately identify and talk about the kind of homophobia experienced by men, because men aren't oppressed" because being male is inextricably linked to how that homophobia is experienced

And in that vein, there are different societal reasons that people direct hate at FTM and MTF people, which are all within transphobia. But the kind of transphobia someone experiences is inextricably linked to what the person's transitioned gender is, and what society wants them to be. This is not introducing a second, uncorrelated privileged axis! This is a detail of the transphobia! Details are allowed to have names! This is different kinds of real people's lived transphobia and acting like someone is throwing in an unrelated axis of privilege (like being white, or being upper-class) is disingenuous!

Also, you may notice, I'm strongly advocating for people's voices to be heard and the details to matter! I want trans women to talk, LOUDLY, about transmisogyny. And its specifics and why it matters! This is not shouting down any of that! Talk about your experiences and the parts that are specifically transmisogynistic! I just think it's bonkers that somewhere along the way, people who think every single identity class is a perfectly independent, perpendicular stat bar that shows up on a character customization screen came around and decided half of the experience of transphobia needs to be un-named and un-personed because someone heard "men" and looked that word up in their privilege stat book and got real scared.

Also! Stress tolerance is such an important skill that having a learning disability in that area is a major symptom of a whole lot of other disabilities/mental illnesses! Struggling with it is a huge part of life! It sucks!

Am I saying everyone with misophonia needs to listen to chewing noises all day? No. But you need to find ways to tolerate it enough that you don't treat others like shit if they make a mouth noise near you.

No, you don't have to read the fic with your trigger tags. But you do need to be able to handle scrolling past the tags without being upset.

It is hard! But not having it also makes you so so so easy to manipulate. That grandma is racist AF because her mom raised her to be uncomfortable around black people and she never fought that discomfort. Trans people make so many cis people uncomfortable and that discomfort turns into bigotry real fast.

There are things in fic or art that makes me WILDLY uncomfortable, but you know what I do? I see it, I scroll past it, I see if theres a tag I didn't take into account, I add that tag to my block list, and I continue on with my life.

This post is basically a transcript of a speech I give to newbies to the D/s scene all the time IRL. I figured it might be useful not only to people curious about kink IRL but also to smut writers here on the smut writing website.

For the purposes of this post, I am sending specific physical acts out of the room. Right now they don't matter, because you can meet an emotional need through any number of physical acts. So when I say that there are many ways to dom and many ways to sub, I am not referring to many kinds of physical acts. I mean that there are many emotional needs that doms and subs bring to scenes, and those can change the scene more than the choice of physical acts that will occur in that scene.

I say this to newbies to the scene because they tend to have a narrow view of the motivations and needs that bring people to D/s, biased by both the newbie's own preferences and the depictions of D/s they've seen in media. The same is true of people who write kink fic. Kink fic is very biased to a narrow subset of the wide range of emotional needs that people might bring to this kind of play.

It's really important to understand this in D/s IRL because a mismatch or miscommunication about these needs can lead to a bad scene. For example, let's take the approaches of sub-as-beloved-pet and sub-as-object. If a dom treats a sub as a beloved pet when what they really want is to be treated like an object, then a sub who went into a scene needing to be ignored, or at the very least the illusion of being ignored and disregarded, is suddenly in the spotlight of a lot of intense attention and affection. Again, I will note that both of these scenes could potentially involve the same physical acts, just approached differently. Let's say it's a service submission scene where the sub is naked and cleaning the room for the dom. Sub-as-beloved-pet would get frequent praise and lots of patiently repeated instructions, while sub-as-object would get one detailed instruction at the beginning and no reinforcement except a punishment if they get part of the instruction wrong.

I'm going to go through a bunch of different styles of dom and sub, with the emotional needs that underlie them. This list is not exhaustive. I'm sure there's more I haven't thought of or encountered, so feel free to reblog with additions. It may also be a bit dom-biased because I'm a dom, but I think that might be for the best, because the emotional needs of doms are generally less understood than those of subs.

Various consensual kinks discussed below. Kinkshamers in the notes will be blocked with extreme prejudice.

aveline:

isabela:

sebastian:

varric:

fenris:

anders:

merrill:

dog:

hawke:

(alternative) hawke:

If it were in your power, would you feature a trans* character as a lead, or do you think that that would be putting too much on the writing team’s shoulders? As someone who is highly involved in the game industry, do you think there would be a backlash from the industry or fans if a trans* character was a lead? Is video game culture ready for a trans* companion? — venak-hol

No, I don’t think video game culture is ready for transgender characters— not as major plot characters, and certainly not as a lead. It’s not ready for major characters that are gay, either. Heck, it’s barely ready for ones which are female.

Does that mean the industry should wait until it is? Probably not.

Yet I am also not the one whose money is being put on the line when it comes to making a major game. With hundreds of millions of dollars now sunk into your average video game title, it could perhaps be viewed as understandable why publishers would be risk-averse. The tried-and-true is safer. The audience they already have, and have had since gaming’s inception, is safer. Or is it?

Here’s the thing: our audience is changing. Has already changed. I mentioned this in my GDC talk— there’s an entire portion of the audience out there which is already playing despite being essentially uninvited. The industry’s happy to have them, I imagine, but views them as gravy. A nice extra, but beside the point… and if they’re already playing, then obviously no extra attention needs to be paid to them when the competition for the real demographic is so fierce.

But what if a publisher did take steps to make them included? There’s the real question, and it’s one without a clear answer. Lacking a clear answer, the prospect of a reward is purely hypothetical. Such risk attached to the unknown means that games which make major strides in that direction tend to receive tepid publisher support at best… and, if they fail, the fault is laid at the door of the direction rather than the tepid support. A bit of chicken-and-egg at work, there, but that’s the industry. Either someone eventually figures it out and answers that question for everyone, removing the perception of risk once and for all, or it will continue as it is.

And I’m certain some would ask: “What would be the point, anyway? Is there such a huge number of transgender players out there we should make a game aimed at them?”

Of course not, because there isn’t. I’m not certain the numbers really indicate there being a huge gay player base, either. The numbers are certainly rosier for female players, depending on the genre and game type you’re looking at, but let’s give the doubters the benefit and say the base isn’t really there to make it financially attractive in and of itself for any minority demographic. My point, and I’ve made it before, is that their comparitive size is irrelevant. It’s not a matter of having one over the other.

Here’s a story.

When the Mark of the Assassin expansion came out for DA2, we included a cameo for our favorite brothel prostitute, Serendipity. Why? Because we like her. We never thought of her as transgender, per se— she’s more of a drag queen, in attitude if not in appearance (lacking the appropriate options, else that’s what she would have been). But the difference is moot when it comes to perceptions, and therein lay the problem: due to a bad line link and the fact we’d only ever included transgender characters as sex workers and comedic relief, it really seemed like she was there to be gawked at and laughed at.

A transgender fan lamented this on the forum, and we felt suitably chastised— because they were right. Our intention was irrelevant in light of the fact we’d erred without due consideration. The question was asked on that thread: “Couldn’t you include a real transgender character? A serious one?” And my answer at the time was: “I wouldn’t include one just to be transgender. That’s a pretty thin premise on its own.” But it did get me thinking: how would I go about it, if I ever did?

That’s around the time I started working on “Those Who Speak”, the second Dragon Age comic title for Dark Horse Comics. I needed a contact character for Varric in the Tevinter Imperium, and at first it was just an “old friend”. Boring. A female old friend, someone with a bit of moxy? Better.

Then I thought: What about someone who’s transgender? How would they survive in the shark-infested waters of Tevinter’s Magisterium, where “different” is a sign of weakness? Where everything beyond the accepted norm must be done in secret lest one become a pariah? How strong and defiant would such a character have to be to not only live but thrive in that environment?

That appealed to me, though I still didn’t want her to be “the transgender character”, to jump into view and immediately announce this aspect of her as if it were the sole reason she was present in the story— because it wasn’t. I wondered if maybe I needed to mention it at all, if that couldn’t come up later? In a way that didn’t read like an after school special? I mean, could it?

I included it as part of the pitch to Dark Horse, and they didn’t bat an eyelash. In fact, they thought it was great. “Do it,” was all I got back. I tossed the idea to Chad Hardin, the artist, along with a picture of Mae West (because I have a thing for Mae West and always have). I said “let’s make sure someone can go back and see it in her hips and her body” and he happily included that in the concept. He didn’t make it obvious. He didn’t sexualize her. Everyone was on board, and though Mae’s part in “Those Who Speak” actually got mostly cut, everyone accepted her return in “Until We Sleep” as a given.

And it did give me pause. Where were the expected objections? Yes, someone could say “it’s only a comic, not even the video game”— and thus not ‘the big time’ insofar as BioWare is concerned. While that’s true, it’s certainly serious business to Dark Horse. They consider what appeals to their audience and what’s commercially viable, too. Was the hesitancy all in my head? Was I assuming resistance that wasn’t actually there? Maybe so.

When I wrote the outline for “Until We Sleep”, I was nervous enough about Mae’s reveal and her part in the story to contact Mattie Brice, a transgender fan (and fellow developer— check out Mainichi, if you get the chance), to ask her opinion. Was the reveal (done via Maevaris being found partly-disrobed in a dungeon) too potentially titillating? Were the things she says in the Fade, or her advice to Qunari-Isabella, going to ring a false note? I had no idea. I’d have hated myself if I’d inadvertantly written something stupid— and I’d once been forced to ask the right adjective for “transgender” on Twitter. What the hell did I know?

Mattie helped, a lot. She suggested a couple of minor changes, but anything more would have required space in the comic which just didn’t exist. Which is sad, as there were things I wanted to squeeze in, and some of Mattie’s suggestions gave me thoughts— and that probably means I’m not quite done with Maevaris just yet— but I was happy with the result even so. After all was said and done, it didn’t seem so terrible to run the subject matter by someone who obviously knows better. Maybe having the option to do so would make more creators less nervous about writing outside their comfort zone? My own comfort zone is not very big. I know whereof I speak.

My point is (and I do have one): it worked out. Maevaris was a small character in the grand scheme of things, but she was included. That part of her identity was “AND”, not “BECAUSE OF”. It added to her character and gave her more depth to me, rather than being a paper-thin soap box. Not everyone noticed, as it was never explicitly stated, but many did. Some were surprised. Many were pleased. As an experiment goes, I’m happy.

I mention it now because I think, were you to mention having more minority characters to the average industry person (or fan, let’s face it) who’s not already inclined to think this way, the image that would immediately come to their head would be the wrong way to do it. The gay character who jumps onto the screen declaring “I AM GAY” before they even offer their name. The transgender character whose only purpose is to trick the straight protagonist into a near-sexual encounter, because what other purpose could such a character serve, right?

So they’d say those character concepts are purposeless and stupid, and they’d be right because they are. But they don’t have to be. I don’t have all the answers (by any means), but surely you don’t have to target minorities to appeal to them, or to include them. It doesn’t need to be that blatant, and shouldn’t be simply because blatant is clumsy— some finesse is called for.

Because, back to my original statement, gaming culture isn’t ready. Yes, that generally means straight boys, but let’s include in that the part of the industry which will assume backlash… backlash that will happen if something like this is done poorly, and which will probably happen anyway (to a degree) even if it isn’t.

With all the expense going into making games nowadays, however, it seems short-sighted not to try— if not because it’s the right thing to do, for the cynical sake of potential earnings. To get all the paying customers you can possibly scramble for from every single corner. To shout from the rooftops “we want EVERYONE to want to play this game”. And if some fans get irked that they’re no longer alone in the clubhouse— well, they can either start ponying up $100 to $150 for their videogames (since games appear to be immune to inflation and cost the same now, if not less, than they did 10 or 15 years ago despite the costs of making them having risen exponentially) or kindly stop being mystified at why publishers are interested in making money from more places than they used to.

Even after all that, though, I still cringe at the idea of introducing a major transgender character. Not for the idea or the potential, but for the character itself. What they will be subjected to in the court of fan opinion, and the ugliness that would inevitably get exposed. What transgender fans would have to read, dare they venture their public support. My heart aches at the weight such a character would bear, far more than any character should ever have to.

Doesn’t mean it shouldn’t ever happen.

While it’s not my money on the line funding the game, it is my livelihood— so I’m hardly without investment in the outcome—and I still think it’s a worthwhile risk. If not transgender just yet, then gay. Or black. Or female. You have to start somewhere. One can see the edges of that change happening in the industry now, and we need to keep pushing at it… or we’ll never get over the backlash that inevitably accompanies this kind of change, and get into a place where fans of all kinds feel welcomed.

Or maybe that can never happen? I’m sure some believe so, but I’m not so cynical that I give up hope just yet. Things are changing all over. In some places, kids will grow up with gay marriage having always existed in their lifetime. They will stare quizzically at their parents when it’s mentioned that it was ever an issue. In that world, something as simple as a video game character who happens to also be transgender doesn’t seem like such an impossible unicorn, does it?

a little follow up to this post . i think .

I love you, fics that take months to update. I click on the newest chapter and have no memory of this place and get to go back some chapters and rediscover how much i love everything about this story.

I love you, fics that take years to update. I think of you fondly, and know your names, go search for you and see an update from this year and scream, diving in uncaring of any missed details (i will finish the update and read you in reverse because this is a treat you have bestowed)

I love you, fics that probably will never update again. Thank you for being a roman empire for my mind, thank you for teaching me about the ephemeral fandom experience, for inspiring a thousand million what if-s, for being a comfort read and a nostalgia read and a reread.

I love you fic writers, who jump into projects and stories with enthusiasm. I love you when you succeed in pumping out those chapters and that love doesn't go away when you stop.

I love you fic writers who post and then get in your own head and never feel confident enough to update, whether it's at all or whether it's just that one story.

I love you fic writers, who have a fandom or media hurt you to the point of abandoning or having a hard time with their WIPs.

I love you fic writers, who lose interest or have life changes or illness or bad memory. Thank you for being part of the fandom, a core part of the fandom. Thank you for the time spent in the fandom.

I love you, fic writers who try out something new and then stop. You're so valid.