Boris' Eurovision Bubbles

Regardless of what happens tonight, I will still rank this year. The last two days have proven one thing: This is a DISASTROUS contest. Never has Eurovision been this divided, hijacked and dismembered by factors that have NOTHING to do with music. Tension and toxicity are at an all-time high. The decision to include Israel has snowballed into a calamity beyond any of our wildest imagination. But the contest has long since been a place of happiness, of safety for me through the years. A beacon through manic depression. Now Eurovision has become the manic depression in my life - and these beautiful artists, male, female and neither, asked for none of this garbage. They deserve recognition for their craft.

This line-up is, after all, pretty darn good. And thus, I will rank them. I will try to do it quickly (before i leave on holiday - around the end of June) because I don't want to drag it out for another year, but I will sing the praises of these unfortunate artists, stuck in this shitstorm of a year.

I do not like everyone, so do expect the usual harsh words for those stuck in the basement of my ranking. But I'm sure I can muster ~positivity~ for most of the others.

I will do my part in voting for my favourite SONGS tonight, and I hope many will do the same. Let us not make matters any worse by voting based on flag. Vote for the MUSIC, not the flag that comes with it.

In the words of my home country's favourite entry:

United we stand, together we will fall.

I'm still alive! Haven't logged in Tumblr for an eternity, but now that I am here, I might as well state that I won't be ranking Eurovision this year. I won't be watching the 2026 contest live either; I'll wait until we have a full result before I decide whether to engage with it at all. I seriously have no desire to engage in a music contest that puts the music second over geopolitics, to a point that *some countries* (e.g.: Israel, Ukraine, Sweden, Italy) can get ludicrously high placements with objectively bad or middlingly music, while other countries are robbed continuously for daring to be unique and forward thinking. Like, I don't *care* that Israel lobbied their arses off to stay, they misused the rules for their own end and received NO CONSEQUENCES OR REPRIMANDS. Five countries are now GONE in protest, and it's almost as if none of this mattered at all.

06. NORWAY Gåte - "Ulveham" 26th place

Decade ranking: 25/190

Italy were not the only country to break character in 2024. Norway is well underway towards becoming one of my least favourite countries in this decade, on the basis of increasedly insulting clown car nonsense.

It looked particularly bad in MGP 2024, which appeared to have a two-horse race for the win (and bottom 3 on my ranking) between Gaute from Subwoolfer dressed up like a passive-aggressive super hero robot, and some washed-up losers (forgot their name) bringing a damn' diggity dogturd. Great, I think I'll just KMS, ty.

AND then... all of a sudden... a miracle:

NAKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU HEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE E. E. E. E.

HOOO-O-O-O-O-O-O OOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

What an entrance. Away went any reservations I had (and I had them because it's MGP), replaced by the classic OBSESSION AT FIRST SIGHT. 😍😍😍 A scream queen demonstrating the best ever use of a turntable while singing a brutalistic folklore tale, chorus full of lupine vocalizations YES!!!! ALL THE YESSES in the world for the Turbo Strazdas!!!

Of course, my affection for Gåte fully blinded me towards their impending doom because um yeah, "Ulveham" was a total fanwank. OOPS!!!

But to be fair, the song still slaps regardless? The music, the vocals, the build-up, the presentation. The whole package is works and I felt like the appeal was mega obvious?? Why would this not work for Gåte, at least in miniature, when it worked for Go_A? Entries like THESE, that blend folklore with culture and art, are the true heart and soul of Eurivision, not the camp-written teacher pet entries, nor the generic radio pop, nor the insultingly stupid tiktok-coded brainrot that keeps seeping into the contest at an alarming rate. 'Ulveham' is so Norwegian it could be banana on pizza, or a physical manifestation of self-deprication. It should be up there among the greats alongside 'Shum', 'Spirit in the Sky', 'Voila', 'Amar Pelos Dois' and other anthems that embody this principle.

Last place is an infuriating result for what it was, and one of the few misses in the year, fanwank or not. Retroactively it made sense though. It's a difficult song to get into, being sung in medieval Norwegian, with a fully vocalized chorus. Also, the camera work was shit. Why. were. there. so. many. wide. shots. during. the. good. bits?

And of course the final took place amidst the Joost Apocalypse where an Israel televote victory, and the death of Eurovision that would come with it, were looming threats on the horizon, and therefore all plans needed to be abandoned so that Croatia and Switzerland could snag a win.

Regardless of result, Norway delivered a very fun and bold entry that broke the mold and of course Europe's uncultured voting public -the same that would later vote the vile Tommy Cash into second place- paid them for dust. As a wise woman once said, the fans of this show are pieces of shit.

The least I can do, as a small indie ranker, is give them the placement they deserve.

07. ITALY Angelina Mango - "La Noia" 7th place

Decade Ranking: 29/190

Last year, something utterly surreal happened: After 9 years of male dominance, Italy finally picked a WOMAN to win San Remo. As you can imagine, whatever remained of the collective fandom's brains were immediately fried, as they tried to process this unique anomaly. Spain's entrants brought an Italo-Disco song after being rejected by San Marino, San Marino were represented by a Spanish band singing about their Benifest experience, and now Italy were sending a female-fronted cumbia tune which sounded more Spanish than either of them.

It took a bit longer to fully win me over though. Unfortunately, I am not a sexist, and my inherent contempt for San Remo extends to everyone who parttakes in it, not just the men. I found it bemusing that the eventual San Remo winner sounded so... cheap?

'LA NOIA' :tinned trumpet: 'LA NOIA' :stock guitar riff:

Like, I am vaguely aware that splicing in LoFi effects into upbeat songs is kinda Dardust's thing (is this the composer's equivalent to an 'ad-lib'?), but 'La Noia' sounds like Russ Landau's rejected Survivor: Nicaragua theme at times. 😍

'La Noia' is also not a natural fave of mine, since I'm more of a 'Sing Along' than a 'Dance Along' type of music enjoyer. (That is to say: I can hold a decent tune and absolutely cannot dance... unless you count 'flailing limbs around with no coordination while making stupid faces' as dancing, lol <3)

Fortunately, I eventually embraced the song unironically because (1) it's a cunty bop and (2) like Angelina I despise boredom and welcome anyone seeking to distract me from it. The song was fun, and she was an engaging performer, both vocally and rhythmically, a STRICT departure from the crestfallen indifference with which I sit through Italian entrants sometimes. Finally, an Italian entrant WORTHY of being added into my rotation.

But Angelina also distinguished herself from her predecessors by actually being invested in her own participation. She attended pre-parties and mingled!!! Thanks to Gabe, everyone remembers that it was she who -at the moment where Eurovision was at its absolute lowest- descended to the Press Centre to sing calming songs to the distressed fans and press. WE LOVE A HUMANITARIAN PR QUEEN. An action for which the EBU fined RAI btw. How the fuck is the EBU still alive as an organization?

So of course, Europe paid her efforts back with Italy's lowest result in the decade so far.

Many have already correctly pointed out that the big culprit was the staging, but that's an umbrella term that doesn't cover the specific errors. A energetic dance routine was the correct approach, as girlbops gotta fuckin girlbop and the execution was excellent. The issue was the general aesthetic, which doubled down too hard on the 'Crown of Thorns' line for a song about OVERCOMING BOREDOM. It created a dreary vibe for what is essentially three cheery minutes of music.

That said, having ranked Angelina 7th myself, I agree with the result. I will say it again - it's mostly the men that are unfairly forgiven for inaccuracies women are rated fairly for - and 7th overall is perfect for what 'La Noia' was: the best girlbop in the year. How nice that, now that Eurovision is on its way out, Italian results have finally learned to align with my own personal tastes. ^__^

08. LITHUANIA Silvester Belt - "Luktelk" 14th place

Decade Ranking: 31/190

The clapping at the start. 😔😔 I miss audience interactions. We're back to that portion of the spreadsheet where I struggle capturing my affection for the song in words!! I dunno, sometimes the review is just that the song is a solid 8.5/10, and that should be obvious to anyone with ears. if 'Luktelk' isn't for you, I'd reconsider whether Eurovision is for you. 'Luktelk' was a very fun and competent banger, tailored for the Euroclub gays and the occasional stray introverts like myself that have been adopted by people with social ability. It's one of those songs that feels both polished and professional without coming across as anti-septic and soulless. A strong uptempo bop in the style of (and frankly, better than) Troye Sivan, by Nemo's token male friend.

It was never going to do anything surprising at Eurovision, though. As soon as we first heard it in Evrovizija.LT we knew it was going to likely win, then effortlessly sail through to the final and -due to being a song by Lithuania in Lithuanian- become a sacrificial lamb to the jury, as they STILL haven't received the memo Lithuania is a real Eurovision country now and their songs are really goddamn' good, at like... a consistent year-to-year basis.

Indeed, Silvester delivered merely the upscaled version of his NF staging, and that's enough to remain a fixture in my lower top ten. He sang, he banged, he bopped. Silvester delivered exactly what he should have, no more, no less, end of. I am making a point by showing the performance in the Grand Final, however. Normally I rank strictly on the bases of the best performance, but it really is worth underlining that the performance shown above is BY FAR Silvester's least fave live of the song, for obvious reasons. It is INSANE that he STILL nailed that under those circumstances, and that really shows his talent as a performer. Almost as insane as qualifying for the final and then feeling like you shouldn't have.

In conclusion: FUCK THE EBU! + Lo and behold YET ANOTHER YEAR where Lithuania is the strongest Baltic 😍 (continued in 2025 as Tavo Akys is indeed better than Bur Man Laimi, but the gap's smaller there). MOVIN' ON UP~

09. SPAIN Nebulossa - "Zorra" 22nd place

Decade Ranking: 37/190*

*updated to include 2025, which I won't be fully ranking as stated earlier.

Alright, let's do this. I'm skipping gifs - they're time-consuming and making them eats up my CPU, and I have a contest to say goodbye to.

YA SÉ QUE SOY, SOY UNA ~THORRA~ 💋

"Zorra" may not have been the most popular entry in 2024, but it is very dear to me, both musically and thematically.

Imagine that you're pushing towards your sixties, and haven't fulfilled your life long dream of becoming a professional singer yet.

You take the plunge and, despite minimal ability to hold a tune, establish commanding stage presence and wrap a healthy chunk of homosexuality around your bony finger, fully unbothered by what others think of you.

You've just met MOTHER MERY, singing her words of wisdom: "It's made me an EVEN BIGGER BITCH. 😍"

'SOY MAS ZORRA TODAVIA' => One of the better moments in 2024.

You know me. I would NEVER debase myself to abandoning a camp woman for some man (🙄), unless the men themselves are also camp - hence why the three remaining assigned-male-at-birth people still in this ranking are who they are. An old bag s-s-serving cunt while delivering notes flatter than Eden Golan's cleavage absolutely counts as an object worth my adulations. Musically, "Zorra" doesn't disappoint either. It's a pristine Italo-disco with flippant lyrics about Mery being a diva, and owning up to it. It's queer icon material. What does it matter if she's a black sheep whose very nature makes the tiny minds of jealous cunts spin? She's a bitch and a picture perfect one at that. ♥ The act though, I have mixed feelings about. The crowd singing the buzzwords along is FANTASTIC and adds to the level of power ), Mery is awesome as stated earlier. The dancers otoh, are a no from me. The nudity itself doesn't bother me, but here it cheapens the song a bit. 'Zorra' is already like... trite-ass faggory via composition (😍😍😍😍😍) and the act doubled down on that a wee bit too much. The draws are Mery and the song. Of course, the added context of 2025 also makes the act feel worse. Erika wearing a similar outfit to the dancers and being pointlessly censored; the crowd interactions, which have been nixed out of existence because we can't have them for Israel, therefore we can't have them for anyone (in what way is catering to one country's needs while gimping the others *FAIR*?!) Fuuuuuck, Eurovision sucks.

Anyway, a part of me thought - well, hoped - that 'Zorra' could have become a surprise televote magnet. Can you imagine how epic that would have been??? Even a year later, I feel like there is a universe out there where 'Zorra' would have come top half based on a surprisingly high televote. That universe, sadly isn't our own. If it were, we would all have Post-Eurovision Depression, instead of Post-Eurovision Elation.

This year did not improve after tonight.

Can we... please stop doing the stupid? Reinstate juries (give them less weight than the tv if it makes you sleep at night i guess), bin the rotw vote, go back to random draws, bar ANY country currently embroiled in a geopolitical conflict from entering until the matter is resolved.

Four small things that will improve the contest by a massive amount.

Blergh this year sucks. Probably reviving the 2024 ranking once the 2025 contest is over. The order I picked for 1-9 still holds for my current opinions, and hey, I actually care about these songs.