Upon the Distinction Between the Ashes of the Various Tobaccos

My stepmother did NOT like the way her Libertarian Viking Neighbor framed pregnancy as the fetus "attacking the woman". She incredulously told him this was extremely disrespectful to expectant mothers to portray pregnancy as so violent and negative.

Libertarian Viking Neighbor's response was that people consensually hurt each other all the time, and "there's like a whole community about that, with the acronym the one that starts with a B" And his reasoning was that if the mother was consenting to bring attacked by the baby, it in fact wasn't violent and negative because there was consent.

The new LEGO Batman game is coming soon! 👀🩵 Here's a drawing of Nightwing in his version of the game that I made.

Jason: -eing completely serious here, like not joking,

Damian, faint from a distance: i'm well fucking aware i'm also your child, Hood- this is not a good enough reason to interrupt my mission!

Jason: no you- YOU AREN'T UNDERSTANDING ME. I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE JOKE OF ME RAISING YOU IN THE LEAGUE, I'M TALKING GENUINE BIOLOGICAL CONNECTION- we need to get you over here so we can run blood tests, oh my days,

Tim: i swear to god if you don't hang up the phone and just JOIN. THE COM LINE.

Damian, faint from a distance: I AM TRYING TO- for hells sake, just let me- let me finish hacking this computer and i'll join. give me a minute.

*faint beep*

Jason, gobsmacked: he hung up on me- we're related, and he hung up on me-!

Tim, tired: just give him a minute Jay. can you get in contact with Talia or Ra's?

Jason: Ra's isn't picking up, and i wanna do a DNA test before i get anybody else involved anyway; this might be a mistake or something.

Tim: *hums*

*long, awkward stretch of silence*

Tim: *clears throat*

*more awkward silence*

*faint tapping of feet*

Tim: watcha- uh, watcha thinkin' about?

Jason: *a beat* just... *genuine* i was eatin' gum once, yeah? and the kid asked for a piece. and i didn't have any left, but he didn't believe me.

Tim: ...uh-huh.

Jason: and so i jokingly was like 'ok fine, you want some gum then you can have some!' and i took the piece out of my mouth and offered it to him. but i guess he took it as a challenge because he actually took it and started chewing on it. and i'm just wondering... could that have done it? if my DNA was on the gum, or... *trails off*

Tim: *judgemental silence*

Tim: yeah you can tell you never graduated high school.

Jason, enraged: ay- AY-

*connecting ping*

Damian: ok, what's wrong?

Jason: -FINALLY. Damian, seriously, i know you think i was doing a bit, but-

Damian: i didn't think it was a bit. we're biologically related; i am partly your child. did you not know this?

*silence*

Tim: what.

Jason: WHAT.

Damian: *very confused* Hood, you were there, why are you acting like you don't know this?

Jason: I WAS THERE WHEN WHAT-?!

Tim: *gasp of realisation* oh my god, you did fuck Talia,

Jason: I DIDN'T-??

Tim: -you just blocked it out because it was a bad memory! you- *voice dropping slightly* i fuckin' knew you'd been touched before, you so give off those vibes, i knew-

Jason: FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME I WAS NOT TOUCHED AS A CHILD.

Damian: yes, Red, don't be gross. Mother did not touch him.

Jason: HOW DO I GIVE OFF THE VIBES OF SOMEBODY WHO-

Tim: -wait so are you not Bruce's then?

Jason: *enraged scream of frustration*

Damian: no, i am. my biology i think has about... six different people that could technically test positive for parental connections. but i think only Mother, Father, and Akhi's DNA is strong enough to actually show up on a blood test. as far as i'm aware, anyway.

*a beat*

Tim: fucking what?

Jason: what the FUCK, DAMIAN? HOW DO I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS?!

Damian, still confused: i genuinely don't know?? you were the one that did most of it?? i mean you were pretty hopped up on pain meds but still,

Jason: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Damian, incredulous: what are you talking about?! we've literally had whole conversations with the others about this- there was a whole league days bit on it! one of the lies YOU WROTE was that i was genetically related to another member of the bats! i thought the joke you were doing was that the member was Duke because you knew in reality it was you?!

Jason: NO?! I WAS JUST MAKING WILD SHIT UP?!!?

Damian, supremely exasperated: ok but you were there. you remember that i was used in a lot of Grandfather's experiments as a child, correct? you were too, we both spent a lot of time in the labs,

Jason: well yeah but-

Damian, cutting him off: AND YOU REMEMBER- you remember that to make me a better specimen and heir he would edit my DNA to give me more potential, and you remember he also did a lot of tests with your DNA,

Jason, baffled: right, but he didn't-

Damian, pointedly: and you remember how after a lot of those tests we would share a medical suite?

Jason: ok but i don't remember- *abrupt pause*

*silence*

Jason, faint: oh.... my god....

Damian, unimpressed: idiot.

Tim: the fuck is happening right now- he looks like he's been stabbed in the dick.

Jason, still faint: ...and it was before i figured out how to regulate the defence mechanisms the pit gave me,

Damian: *still unimpressed* uh-huh,

Jason: -every time i got the slightest bit injured i would just go full pit-mad and black out for hours,

Damian: uh-huh,

Jason: -so every time Ra's wanted to use me for research he had to put me on the strongest medication he could get his hands on,

Damian, dry: yup.

Jason: Damian- Damian i used to get so high,

Damian: yeah i was there.

Jason: and he put my DNA... in you?

Damian: *snort* there's definitely way better ways to word it, but yes. the majority of my maternal and paternal biological bonds do go straight back to Mother and Father, but you also share a significant chunk of paternal DNA with me- i cannot believe you fucking forgot about this.

Jason: DAMIAN I WAS SO HIGH.

Damian: yeah, well you were aware enough to teach me how to play blackjack when we shared a hospital room.

Tim: -yeah, so, i have a lot of questions; number one you fucking said six potential parents, and i want more information on that,

Jason, abruptly: -OH MY GOD THE BLACKJACK,

Tim: yeah, Jay, there are more important things right now than-

Damian: no, Red, he's-

Jason: NO THE BLACKJACK IS WHY THERE'S MORE PARENTS,

Damian: -yeah he's answering you, that's- the blackjack was relevant to that.

*a beat*

Tim: fucking how.

Jason: i- holy shit. dude i was so high.

Tim: yeah so you keep fucking saying-

Jason: NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND- Tim, Tim. i was so out of it that i was getting the other scientists and servants to join the blackjack games i was playing with Damian post-experiment.

Tim: ...ok?

Jason: and i- *slightly muffled* oh my god i'm a horrible person,

Damian: no, don't worry, you asked me like twenty times beforehand if i was ok with it; i was just so bored i thought it was funny and said go ahead.

Jason: I WAS- *abrupt wheeze*

Tim: if you tell me how fucking high you were again-

Jason, still laughing wetly: NO- i was- Tim we would get left alone unsupervised in those labs for so long- like i'm fairly sure Ra's was just fucking forgetting about us,

Damian: oh- a hundred percent he was forgetting about us.

Jason: -yeah, and so when the drugs wore off enough to leave me capable of getting up and just a little loopy, i used to- oh my god it's all coming back to me,

Damian: -he would go and look through all of Grandfather's notes and fuck around with all the machines and stuff that were being used on us, during. there was really nothing else to do until he found the deck of cards.

Tim: right...?

Jason: ok so- so i was still significantly high and coming down from these meds, right? and i was also very bored, and i'd just sort of self taught myself on how to fuse people's DNA together via Ra's notes, right?

*a beat*

Tim: ...there's no way this is going where i think it is. please tell me i'm wrong.

Jason: i- *bursts out laughing*

Damian: he was auctioning me off like an antique vase.

Jason: *loses his shit*

Damian: in his defence he had my consent to do so, and unlike him i was not high.

Jason: *still laughing* oh my- holy- i was calling all the servants within the vicinity and yelling like- *wheeze* 'if you beat us at blackjack, you too can be a biological parent to one of the most important people in this compound! think of the special privileges!'

Damian: yeah they literally- being biologically related to me gave them nothing, by the way.

Jason: *audibly horrified with himself but still laughing* i did it like three different times-!

Damian: -to be fair i think you reversed one of them after you found out they were genetically predisposed for heart disease. and also you were still majorly impaired mentally so you didn't really fuse me very well. that's why none of them really show up on any tests.

Tim, speechless: oh. my god.

Damian: he was out in the hall outside our room yelling at the passing cleaners like somebody trying to sell fruit at a market.

Jason: *actively losing it*

Tim: wait so was it- did he fuse himself with anybody else or just you?!

Damian, pointedly: no as it turns out-

Jason: *wheezes*

Damian: -he was high enough to fuck with my DNA but not high enough to want to fuck with his own.

Jason, wetly: i can't believe i forgot about this... Damian, i'm half your biological father,

Damian: yes, Hood, i'm well aware- actually. if you didn't remember, then does Father know?

Tim: no, literally nobody knows. B almost figured it out himself at one point but because Jason obviously didn't think it was true, he brushed it off and convinced B he was being an idiot.

Jason, muffled again: oh my goooooddddddd,

Tim: Jason, Jason you- *slight snort* Jason you realise this makes you a co-dad with Bruce Wayne?

*silence*

Jason, decisively: no.

Tim: *laughs* no?

Jason: nope. not happening. we're never telling him. ever.

Tim: why not?

Jason: why n- are you taking the piss?! my relationship with that man is already so fucking undeniably odd- i am not adding co-parenting dynamics to that fucking list-!

Tim: *wheeze* holy- this situation is so fucked-!

Damian: maybe for you guys, this has been my normal for years. can i go now? i'm still working.

Jason: yeah- hold on. if you've always known that i was your half-biological-father, why don't you call me dad?

Tim: *starts cackling*

Damian, evenly: because i jokingly called you 'baba' once while you were under anaesthesia and you crawled into my medical cot and started crying about how you were too young and hated going to parent-teacher nights and weren't sure if you'd be able to 'do right by me' because you couldn't remember how to sign up for children's health insurance.

*silence*

Damian: -so i just switched to Akhi for your mental health's sake.

Tim: *cackles again*

Jason: ok that's actually fair.

Tim: *still laughing* dude are you- are you ok? you've gone so white,

Jason, faint: i gave my son weed when he was thirteen...

meanwhile, fresh outta the league and looking to make some quick freelance cash on the side while he builds up his crime lord business, a slightly confused jason has somehow managed to pick up both contracts, and now has to put his whole revenge plan on hold because he’s stuck trying to figure out if he even wants dick dead or not, because after meeting with his severely broken-inside client as the red hood-former league of assassins member for hire, it becomes very clear that things within the batfamily are not as he thought they were after he’d ‘left’.

and to make things entirely more difficult, he has to figure this out while trying to regularly fake both assassination attempts on dick’s life, and protection of dick from said attempts on his life; and he has to do all of this while not tipping off either tim or dick as to what he’s doing because if either of them realise that jason isn’t just straightforward doing his job then they’ll just hire somebody else and then the situation will be out of jason’s hands, which jason does not want because he’s still on the fence about whether or not he wants his family dead.

Jason: *snicker* come on, it's fine. patrol's basically over, the kids are all back at the cave, the entire city is peaceful, you can take one sip.

Bruce, tired: for the fourth time, i don't drink on the job, Hood.

Jason: come onnnn~ we haven't had some adult-batfamily hang out time for ages. it's the only time i ever like you, you gotta partake.

Bruce: *grunt* i'm still Gotham's protector.

Jason: ok and you're also my legal adoptive father, so take the stick out of your ass and have a beer with me. come on- come onnnn, i got a spare flaaaaassskkk~

*a long beat of silence*

Jason: come on- that's it- open up, i'll tip it in, you just gotta swallow, there we go,

Dick, amused: you have got the be the only person on this planet that can peer-pressure Batman into drinking alcohol, Jay.

Bruce: -ok, no, take it away, i'm not falling for this.

Jason: DICK. I WAS SO CLOSE.

Dick: *wheeze* i'm sorry- i didn't mean to-!

Jason: YOU SUCK.

Dick: *cackle* just gimmie the other flask, don't waste it.

*faint sloshing*

Bruce, resigned: you shouldn't be doing this in your suits, if something were to happen...

Dick: B, buddy, we've been sneaking alcohol into our bat-water-bottles since Jason was first adopted. we know how to swing and drink.

Bruce: i still don't know how i never caught you,

Jason, mouth slightly full: 'oo were- *cough* you were a very self centred guardian back then, man. i could do anything, you weren't fuckin' looking.

Bruce: *sigh* yes, well, mistakes were made.

Jason: *laughs* you're good, we had fun.

Dick, wistful: man, we did have some fucking fun. i still remember- Jay, do you remember when you snuck out to that party and B found out you were gone in the middle of the night-?

Jason: OH- oh, the time that i came back at like three AM and he'd moved ALL THE FURNITURE?

Bruce: *light snort*

Dick: *wheeze* yeah-

Jason: fucking- i was gone for like four hours and you moved all the furniture in the front section of the house into the back ballroom so i got back and thought i was in a fucking fever dream, everywhere empty,

Dick: *high-pitched, giggling* and he- he told you that a bunch of people had broken in and stolen all of our stuff-!

Jason, mocking: 'well maybe if Robin had been around then he could have stopped the crime, but apparently he had better things to do tonight-', *cackle*

Bruce, clearly amused: ah, yes. how long did i hide our furniture for?

Jason: dude- like two weeks! you kept coming up with excuses as to why i shouldn't go further into the manor than usual- you slept on the fucking floor.

Bruce: listen- *chuckle* listen-

Jason: NO FUCK OFF YOU CAN'T DEFEND THAT! THAT WAS MEAN!

Dick: god- you know honestly, i think we were too stubborn back then to say it out loud, but shit B, you gave as good as we did- you were funny.

Bruce: i was childish and didn't understand how to be a parent, Dick. i was bitter, and i was taking it out on the people i was supposed to lead.

Dick: yeah yeah- i'm not saying you didn't have failings within your moral responsibilities, we all did; but looking back, you did not get enough credit for the shit you used to pull.

Jason: i will admit i laughed hard at some of the shit he did. to this fucking day, one of my favourite memories from the first year after i got adopted was that weekend you came back to the manor for a big case bust, and halfway through patrol you got into that huge argument and swung back to Bludhaven so you left all your shit at the manor, and B- *wheeze* and B,

Dick: we got into so many arguments, Jace. you need to clarify-

Bruce: he uh, *audibly holding back laughter* i think he's talking about the time you left your car here, so i- *snort*...i sold it.

Dick: ...oh my god- I REMEMBER THAT!

Jason: *still wheezing*

Dick: MY FUCKING BENTLY, THAT SHIT WAS A CLASSIC.

Bruce, unapologetic: i know, ...and i gave it to one of the gardeners at Drake Manor for fifty dollars and a pepsi.

Jason: *crying* oh my- hold me,

Bruce: you're gonna- Jaylad, you're gonna fall off the roof, come here- *snickering*

Dick: i- B i was so mad back then, you have no idea. like it- *laugh* i did not find it funny. i had no respect for the comedic genius of your moves.

Bruce: yeah, well, we've all grown since then. that was the point, wasn't it? being better for the kids?

Jason: it would be funny if you sold Tim's car though,

Bruce, admonishing: Jason,

Dick: he takes it like a champ, which is honestly- it's made my respect for him go up more than literally any of the badass Batman shit he's ever done.

Jason: oh, a hundred percent. like, especially considering how egotistical he used to be? Bruce has become completely numb to us being bitches about him.

Dick: i guess it's different because, like, i mean it's more ironic now, right? i mean we used to fucking hate him, and it came through in the way we mocked him. it was malicious.

Jason: *audible wince* yeah buddy we had issues,

Dick: *wheeze* we had- we had issues. but now it's more like... us talking about how messy of a family we are is more a way of acknowledging how far we've all come, you know? it's therapeutic. bonding.

Jason: *crooning* aw, how sweet. *laugh* which of your therapists came up with that shit?

Dick: *laugh* it's good for you, man! i'm telling you, the guy i have is good. and he knows our identities, so we don't have to hold back. you should try it.

Jason: yeah, no, i'm happy for you, but i got my therapy right here.

*slight pause*

Dick, dry: that's a gun.

Jason: *cackle* look, i ain't in denial, i know my issues. talking stuff out just isn't my deal. you know i operate different to you and Bruce.

Dick: *hum* you do you, i guess. he worked for Bruce though, as far as i'm aware B still sees him.

Jason: *abrupt snort* you two share a therapist? that's fuckin' adorable.

Dick, snickering: listen- listen, it was a whole thing! i told him if he was gonna try it out he had to do it properly; let go of his control issues and actually look for help, so i made him see my guy because then he's seeing somebody who already has a picture of who he is from another perspective--he couldn't manipulate the narrative.

Jason: smart, corner the fucker.

Dick: yeah, but again--took it like a champ.

Jason: was there a moment for you where you could tell that like--'oh he's actually fucking trying, he might not be as shit as we thought'.

Dick: *snort* the grand moment of realisation of 'ah shit, he actually is just a guy as well, isn't he?'

Jason: *slight wheeze* the moment- the moment of- *snort* 'fuck i've been bullying somebody in the same boat as me'.

Dick: GOD, *cackle* yes, oh dude you have no idea, there were so many moments,

Jason: it's- it's weird, right? to be like, maybe we don't have to hate each other as much as we do?

Dick: yeah, -but it's like, part of it right? to make the realisation that you can be a victim of circumstance while also being an asshole that contributes to the problem?

Jason: *click* oh yeah, completely. you gotta get to the point where you can accept that it can be true that you have a shit life largely due to the actions of somebody else, while it also being true that- that the person at fault, is only at fault because they themselves have been fucked over in life and they just haven't had the clarity or opportunity to fix themselves from it before.

Dick: *grunt* yeah, parents--or peers, i guess. peers can wrong you without being bad people. we're all just... shitty people, trying to figure out how not to be shitty to those further down the line. sometimes we manage it, sometimes we don't. doesn't make us evil, just makes us... works in progress.

Jason: *hums*

*a few beats of silence*

Dick: Jace if you don't fucking offer me some damn alcohol right now-,

Jason: *instant cackling* chill- chill i got a case in the fridge, you can go get it.

Dick: and if i open the window to go get it i'm not gonna get ass-fucked by your deranged loa version of home security?

Jason: what do i- do i look stupid? why would i have security on while hanging out on my own fucking fire escape?

*shifting, wood sliding*

Dick: well i dunno, you're weird sometimes,

Jason: fuck off. and grab the whole case will you? bring it out, i don't wanna go in any time soon.

*clinking*

Dick: sir yes sir. *slight grunt* so, *sigh* what was your moment?

Jason: what- my Bruce moment?

Dick: yeah. i mean- i assume Damian living with him had something to do with it, but what was the moment that made you realise he wasn't as bad as we made him out to be during the golden era?

Jason: *bottle uncapping* *clink* don't laugh.

Dick: *already amused* why would i laugh?

Jason: ...it was when he hit me in the face with the batarang.

*two seconds of silence*

Dick: *snort*

Jason: ok fuck you-

Dick: no- sorry, how the fuck-

Jason: it was complicated-

Dick: he slit your throat and you were like 'yeah that man's on a self improvement journey'.

Jason: *instant cackle* no- let me be clear, it wasn't the fact that he threw a batarang at my face, it was just the overall interaction in general.

Dick: jesus. how fucking good was this conversation that he literally almost killed you with his own hands and you still walked away like 'good chat dad, see you on thanksgiving'?

Jason: no the real question is- *wheeze* real question is how low was the fucking bar,

Dick: *loud laughter* *high-pitched, between weeping* what did he say-?

Jason: he apologised.

Dick: *long excited gasp* you're fucking kidding.

Jason: yeah- but like. in a weirdly mature way? that's what fucking caught me off guard.

Dick: i thought you hated it when he apologised for not killing the Joker?

Jason: that's what caught me off guard! because he didn't apologise for that, he apologised because- ok so basically,

Dick: *snort* oh here we go.

Jason: -shut the fuck up, we're at my place post-patrol and we're drinking alcohol, of course we're gonna psychoanalyze our interactions and history with Bruce- anyway, we’re on the roof, i’ve got a gun on Joker and i’m basically telling him that he either kills the Joker or i do, and if he doesn’t want Joker to die then he has to kill me,

Dick: this is the first time you’ve properly told me this story,

Jason: yeah- well obviously B has his whole no kill thing so he’s being a little bitch about it, that’s expected, and so i put the gun to Joker’s head and start countin’ down from three. and before i can actually do anythin’, he tears up and starts apologising.

Dick: god tier distraction technique.

Jason: -yeah, i- *wheeze*

Dick: *snickering* look i’m just saying-

Jason: no- yeah, fair enough. anyway i started yelling about like, how i didn’t give a fuck that he didn’t get to the warehouse in time back in Ethiopia, bla bla bla, yeah? and he stops me mid-sentence. and he goes ‘no Jason, i’m not sorry that i didn’t save you in time back then, and i’m not sorry that i didn’t kill the Joker, i’m not going to apologise for that and my opinions will not change.’

*silent pause*

Jason: …and i’m like. the caucacity of this bitch.

Dick: *wheezes* *slapping sounds, grating of metal*

Jason: don’t fuckin- break my outdoor chairs,

Dick: *still wheezing* the caucacity- no that’s insane! he actually said that?

Jason: word for word- *slightly offended* by the way? thanks for outing my fucking civilian name to the Joker, you fucking asshole.

Dick: *loses it again*

Jason: -guess the no-names-in-the-mask rule is only important when you want it to be, huh?

Dick: so what- *snort* what was he apologising for?

Jason: well that was what freaked me out. because suddenly Batman left the roof and in his place was this fuckin- well adjusted man, who was willing to make himself emotionally vulnerable in public. and he proceeds to tell me that he wasn’t sorry for the Joker shit, but he was sorry that he didn’t provide a safe enough environment at home, because maybe if he’d actually stepped up as a father figure then i wouldn’t have felt the need to go to Ethiopia the way i did in the first place.

*three seconds of silence*

Dick, awed: *stage whispering* he admitted it?!

Jason: OUT OF NOWHERE.

Dick: hoooly-

Jason: *indignant* YEAH. YEAH MAN. I’M FUCKIN’ STANDING THERE ON THE OTHER END OF THIS ROOF LIKE SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO DO THAT.

Dick: *cackle* *John Mulaney impression* the Bruce admitted to his faults in an open and honest emotional conversation? i didn’t know he knew how to do that.

Jason: *instant wheeze* ex- *cough* -ACTLY! *cough* anyway, obviously my face is like- i look fucking baffled, because what? and i think he thought i didn’t understand what he meant? and so he said- and i’ll never fucking forget what he said, he said this word for word,

Dick: *drink sloshing* *prompting hum*

Jason: he goes ‘when i took you in, i promised to take up the responsibilities of being your guardian, and i remember the night that i told you that, you looked at me with nothing but distrust.’ and he tells me, ‘you didn’t believe that i’d be there for you, and you didn’t believe that you could rely on me; as a guardian, or a parent, or a father.’ and then he looked me in the eyes as he was actively tearing up, and he told me, ‘the biggest mistake i’ve ever made in my life was living up to those expectations of me, because you were right not to think i would do it, and the biggest thing that broke my heart about your death was the realisation that i never let you feel safe around me.’

Dick: *slow whistle* yeah, that would have gotten me. i’d have cried.

Jason: *stage whispering* right? completely fucking took the wind out of my rage-sails, i had no idea what to do. *louder* I WILL SAY- i will say, that it was at that point that the Joker started looking kind of uncomfortable, which was-

Dick: *wheeze*

Jason: which was- *also wheezing* the best thing ever. *high-pitched, snickering* like- fuck me, i didn't think it was possible for the Joker to feel awkward about anything, but man, that dipshit did not fuckin' wanna be there,

Dick: oh my god, this is incredible. that has to be like- Bruce Wayne, the only man in the universe with the ability to make the Joker uncomfortable with his feelings.

Jason: yeah, so i was like... reeling. because all of a sudden B was telling me everything i'd wanted to hear from him since he'd bloody adopted me, and on top of that he started telling me about how he 'knew that he couldn't fix the time he'd already lost, but he would always be available if i ever wanted to try and build anything new', and,

Dick: OH MY GOD HE TOLD ME THAT- HE TOLD ME THAT LIKE SIX MONTHS AFTER YOU DIED. HE- he called me at seven in the morning to tell me that he loved me, wished he'd been better at showing it back when it mattered, and was going to try and tell me it more in the future.

Jason, snorting: first thing in the morning is wild.

Dick: dude i was hung over. i threw up. on call. he thought he'd killed me.

Jason: *bursts out laughing* fuckin'- it almost killed me on that roof.

Dick: right- yeah, ok, i wanna get back to that. because how the fuck does B using this opportunity to update you on his journey through self-improvement and therapy somehow turn into him throwing a literal knife at your neck?

Jason: *dismissive* ahhh, well, bless his little heart, he's not gonna get everything right first try, is he?

Dick: *snickering* Jason,

Jason: ok, ok. so- ok so basically,

Dick: *wheeze*

Jason: *smacking noise* FUCK OFF. you have to understand that my main goal when i orchestrated that whole scenario was like... a complete unstable mixture of like five various points i wanted to make at the same time. like- i was losing it, to the point where Damian told me afterwards he'd been considering asking Ra's about pulling me in for another pit-dip because he thought something might be wrong with me.

Dick: *amused* you were- you were having a slight menty-b,

Jason: *wheeze* a slight menty-b, yeah. so- part of it was i wanted to see if Bruce would kill the Joker for me, part of it was just wanting to see if he even cared; part of it was to make sure Damian would be safe with him, and part of it... i guess...

*drink sloshing*

Jason: don't freak out, but i guess part of it was a subconscious attempt at just... getting something to kill me.

Dick: ...something?

Jason: yeah- like it wasn't a thought out attempt, i wasn't thinking of it as a suicide attempt; but i think i was specifically trying to make the whole situation as fucked as possible because i wanted something to just... put me down. whether that be the Joker, or me, or Bruce, or a bomb, y'know? like... my mind was such a mess in that moment that i was just too tired to think about making it off that roof alive.

Dick: *drink slosh* *calm hum*

*a beat of silence*

Jason: like- i'm fine now, but there have been hard moments, you know?

*another beat of silence*

Dick: ...you, fuckin'... you are one special little gem, you know that Jace?

Jason: *indignant snort* fuckin' what? *chuckle* what's that supposed to mean?*

Dick, amused: it means, dumbshit, that i know for a fucking fact you fought with every fucking fibre of your being to make it out of that warehouse, to make it out alive, because you did not want the Joker to kill you. i know that, you've told me about that,

Jason, already amused: yuh-huh,

Dick: -so as much as it sucks to hear that there have been points where my baby brother has wanted to off himself, there is a morbidly fascinated part of me that is listening to this, like, imagine having the audacity to fight that fucking hard to survive, so hard that god apparently fucking listened to you, brought you back, and you came back alive just like, 'mmm, this is more hassle than i thought actually, nevermind'.

Jason: *soft wheeze* hey- hey now-

Dick: -like i know i'm being insensitive but that is SO wild to me-,

Jason: *wheezes again* oh my god- see, this is so much funnier than therapy.

Dick: yeah, i'll agree to that, it's less sensitive when it's outside of a therapist's office.

Jason: *approving grunt* well, anyway, i did actually have a bomb on the roof, so that was my final back-up plan. if shit went down the drain, just blow everything up, y'know?

Dick: you took a bomb? like a grenade?

Jason: no like a proper one, remote detonated and stuck to the inside of the building. it would have taken out the whole thing, killed us all in one fell swoop. the only problem was, i didn't want B to know i had a bomb, so i couldn't have the detonator on me, right?

Dick, slightly confused: right...?

Jason: so- *slight laugh* so i got this guy, right? this guy named Micheal.

Dick: the fuck is Micheal.

Jason: Micheal is one of my workers, and he has no fucking friends whatsoever. runs accounts for me because he's such a nerd, and i think he's chill so i occasionally invite him out for drinks with me and my main guys, right?

Dick: *confused hum*

Jason: i am the only reason Micheal has a job or a social life, and i am the only person he speaks to outside of cashiers and women who hate him on onlyfans. Micheal therefore recognises that he owes me his life and adores me, to the point where he will do anything for me without question, and will shut up about anything he hears with a hundred percent success rate, no matter what.

Dick: *snort* ok?

Jason: my point is, i couldn't have the detonator on me for risk of B somehow seeing it and planning around it. so, i had Micheal on my private com line with the detonator, hidden a whiles away and waiting for me to give the command to blow us all up because he's the only one i trusted to keep his fucking mouth shut. are you with me?

Dick: you had some random fucking loser pervert-

Jason: I *clap* DID *clap* NOT *clap* THINK *clap* I *clap* WOULD *clap* MAKE *clap* IT *clap* OFF *clap* THAT *clap* ROOF *clap* ALIVE.

Dick: *audibly trying not to laugh* ri- right, ok, go- go on,

Jason: so this entire fucking conversation, my identity, my daddy issues, Batman crying; Micheal is hearing all of this shit, right? and he's waiting for me to give him a signal about this bomb because i'd told him that if a certain amount of time on that rooftop passed without anything happening, that he should just blow it up anyway. but now things have changed, because B is for some reason being reasonable which means now maybe i shouldn't kill us all in a murder suicide, right?

Dick: *incredulous cackle* right,

Jason: so i'm fuckin' crying, Batman's fuckn' crying, Joker's startin' ta avert his eyes like he did not think this was how this interaction was supposed to go,

Dick: *laugh*

Jason: -and all of a sudden Micheal starts sayin' some shit in my ear; except i can't fuckin' hear him properly because i wasn't expectin' us to be having any two-way conversations so i've got my com turned all the way down, so, suddenly remembering i should probably tell him not to blow us up, i reach my hand up to adjust my com and ask him what's up. yeah?

Dick: right,

Jason: but i'm also restraining Joker, so i have to use the hand holding the gun to do it. and the safety's still off, and i'm not wearing my helmet, and it's an awkward angle n shit, right?

Dick: *disappointed* oh my god,

Jason: and- *slight wheeze* B told me ages afterwards what happened from his perspective, which was that he saw his crying son in the middle of a slight menty-b lift a gun to the side of his head with no safety and start fiddling with his fingers--as if about to press the trigger and do a whole-ass suicide,

Dick: oh my GOD,

Jason: yeah- *amused* and i guess the tears were obstructing his vision, so he says that he panicked and tried to hit the gun out of my hand and fuckin' missed, right? but from my perspective, my dad just told me he was sorry for the first time in his life and then shot me in the neck as if he needed to destroy all evidence of the incident,

Dick: *wheeze*

Jason: so now my mind's in a fuckin' frenzy, i'm dying possibly, and i'm really pissed off because WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?

Dick: *more wheezing, gasping for air* oh my god-,

Jason: so, deciding i need to fuckin' recoup and consider the events of the evening, i shoved the Joker at him, jumped off the edge of the building, and told Micheal to blow that shit to high heaven to distract him so i could get away.

Dick: and you just left?!?!

Jason: yeah man, went home and called Ra's--needed somebody to complain about my daddy issues too. it was fine though, he got me medical attention. and after that i guess B told you and Tim that i was alive, Damian started settling into Gotham a little more, and my mind cleared up enough that i realised i should probably like... fucking calm down or something, because clearly my opinion of Bruce is slightly skewed and i needed to retcon that shit.

Dick, snickering: retcon--wait, what happened with the Joker, i thought you killed him on the roof?

Jason: *hum* mmmnope, i ain't kill him. i think B put him back in Arkham like usual after that night. *drink sloshing*

Dick: i swear i thought he died that night- actually, where the fuck is he then?! hold on, hold on how am i just noticing this, where the fuck has the Joker been for the past three years if you didn't kill him? i just assumed you'd got him?!

Jason, casual: no i didn't get him. he is dead though. died two weeks after.

Dick: you got him two weeks after?

Jason: nah, i didn't get him.

Dick: the fuck got him?

Jason: Damian did, dude.

*a beat*

Dick, supremely indignant: sorry?

Jason: yeah- Bruce doesn't know it was Day though, the kid made it look like a heart attack or something, i think.

Dick: *awed* Damian got him? two weeks after the rooftop incident?

Jason: *casual* yeah--cause he came to visit me to check that i hadn't like, completely gone insane, and obviously he was like 'the fuck happened to your neck?' so i had to take him a whiles out of Gotham and tell him what happened with Bruce-,

Dick: why'd you take him out of Gotham for that?

Jason: because if he was in the vicinity of B at that moment he would have shot him in the face.

Dick: ...ok yeah fair enough. without the emotional context it is kind of wild.

Jason: exactly; but anyway- after he calmed down and i took him back to my apartment he told me that 'this clown shit was way more hassle than it fucking should be' and then he disappeared for like, eight hours. he came back through my window at like six am and just told me 'there, now you can all shut up about it', and i just... made the executive decision not to ask questions. i was goin through all this new mental health journey shit, y'know? other things to worry about.

Dick: fucking hell,

Jason: yeah. *drink sloshing* 'hacked into the Arkham records the next morning and he'd been quietly confirmed as dead and cremated, so that was that i guess.

*a few beats* *drink sloshing*

Dick: ...i guess i always thought that... that like... his death would be more dramatic, you know? that it would be a victory. did you not want something more satisfying?

Jason: *non-committal hum* i mean... maybe a little bit at first? but honestly the perspective i landed on was that... he sucked. like- his one thing was being a clown, right? it was his one passion; all he wanted was to be well known, and to be funny. so there's a part of me that thinks the best possible end for that guy is for him to die quietly, meaninglessly, in a completely boring, background, unnoticeable way, to the point where nobody even realises he's dead. like. do you know how fucking offended he'd be if he knew nobody knew--or cared--that he was dead? it makes me very happy to think about.

*stretch of silence*

Dick: that's such a god-tier take, actually. i take it all back.

Jason: right?

Dick: Damian's a fucking genius.

Jason: mmhmm. like father like son, am i right?

Dick: *chuckle* yea- wait, huh?

Jason: oh- *snort* no, i'm not complimenting B, i mean me.

Dick: oh, *chuckle* yeah,

*a beat*

Dick: wait, what?

Jason: what?

Dick: what do you mean 'like father like son'?

Jason: ...d'i not tell you about that?

Dick: eh-?

Damian will die on the hill that Jason Peter Todd is his son, and he takes no arguments on the matter.

listen i just really like those AU's where Jason is practically comatose/zombie-like when he first comes out of the pit, especially when Talia then assigns him as Damian’s protector because the only muscle-memory instinct Jason keeps is 'protect those smaller than him', because i really like the dynamic of Damian then having to be the one that takes up the mantle of helping Jason with everything he doesn't remember how to do.

Damian spends all day every day with Jason at his side. he washes Jason, dresses him, teaches him how to walk and move again, to speak and communicate, write and draw; and because Jason is Damian's bodyguard, he follows Damian around like a lost puppy. to Jason he's just slowly coming back to himself as a person while doing his job by protecting this kid--but Talia never told Damian that Jason was his protector, she just told Damian to keep Jason alive. And so everything Jason does, in Damian's mind (especially with the added context of Damian teaching him how to be alive again) is the actions of a vulnerable being looking to their guardian out of comfort. and of course, nobody else would fit the bill of guardian but Damian, the person who is practically raising Jason from re-birth.

Jason follows Damian around the compound because he knows he needs to protect Damian--Damian sees this as Jason wandering around after the only person he feels safe with, the person who looks after him, his guardian.

Jason watches over Damian while he trains with his tutors--Damian knows it must be scary for a child to be left alone in a place such as the compound; it's only natural for Jason to prefer watching his father train than be alone.

Jason takes care of Damian, ensuring he eats and sleeps--well Damian raised Jason by doing those same things, it's only natural that his child pick up on the only love language he is exposed to, trying to turn it onto his parent.

it goes on and on and on; everything Jason does with the mindset of looking after his new baby brother, Damian takes as a son showing appreciation for his father. it takes like. a solid six months for Jason to be self aware enough to clock that Damian is literally calling him 'son' and 'my child' and by then it's too late. Damian absolutely will not let it go.

i imagine it's one of those things where like, Jason tried to argue it at first but Damian was really insistent, and eventually Jason gave up because it was like 'what the hell, it's not like the kid has much that sparks joy in his life anyway, might as well give him this' and starts ignoring it, letting it happen. and then after a while he realises how much it seems to agitate Talia and Ra's and the whole thing becomes kinda funny so he starts calling Damian 'dad' and 'old man' and this delights Damian which encourages him even further and the whole thing just kinda ends up being one of those jokes that you go along with for so long that it's not even that funny anymore and you just do it out of instinct.

like--to be clear Jason is still the mental guardian figure out of the two of them, and he takes care of Damian. it's just that Damian's in complete denial about this and instead chooses to believe it's the other way around, which Jason lets him believe because it's kinda funny to watch peoples reaction to it. like at dinner, when one of the servants will bring out some kind of dessert and Jason will just turn to Damian and go 'can i have dessert now?' and Damian will look at his plate and say 'finish your potatoes' and Jason will sigh before listening. to Damian this is normal, and he does this because of course Jason would look to him for permission, that's his child; meanwhile Jason is watching Talia stare at them both across the table like she's about to call a fucking exorcist and internally he is just Busting The Fuck Up just waiting for the moment Damian decides it's his bedtime.

i also just wanna point out how funny this would be in Gotham, when Bruce takes in his biological son who for some reason seems to HATE him but refuses to say why and after a couple months of Damian treating him like dirt to the point where even Tim and Dick are confused he finally gets Damian to tell him what the fuck he did and Damian is just like 'you are the reason my son is in such mental pain.' and Bruce is just like.

what.

"did mother not tell you you are a grandfather?"

"w- NO??? YOU'RE ELEVEN WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE A FATHER- ARE YOU OK?"

"of course. i consented to being my child's father from the beginning."

"ELEVEN YEAR OLDS AREN'T ALLOWED TO CONSENT TO THAT."

and Bruce is. having a fucking panic attack about the whole thing until eventually they run into Red Hood on patrol and Damian straight-faced tells him that this 200+ lbs clearly adult man is the grandson in question and he just fucking. mentally checks out for about 20 minutes.

for the record Jason has never been so excited in his life. he fully intends on coming around the manor in-mask twice a week from now on just so he can call Bruce 'grandfather' and Dick 'uncle' while they stare at him like he's the fucking predator from Predator.

his first thought is Tim, until he remembers all the shit Bruce put Tim through under the excuse of 'training exercises' during the dark era, and he can't risk that 3-seconds-away-from-becoming-a-villain seventeen year old seeing a drugged up Batman and deciding 'ok my turn'.

his second thought is Jason except no it's not, not a chance, absolutely the fuck not, moving on,

third thought is Dick, but Dick has a childish streak in him and is the one that treats Bruce the most like a partner rather than a guardian figure. that's dangerous. if Dick's in a bemused and bored mood then there's a very good chance Bruce will end up naked on a raft in the middle of Gotham harbour while Dick livestreams from the bridge above.

so the final decision ends up being Damian. still young, yes, but also the most proud of his position as Bruce's son. Alfred comes to the conclusion that Damian wouldn't pull anything too bad because, well, it would reflect badly on his own family line. so he calls Damian out of school and asks him to watch his father for the night, and then he leaves only minorly worried. unfortunately for Alfred, Damian is thirteen years old and currently experimenting with the freedom that comes with not being a public heir to the Demon's Head, because as Jason told him, 'he needs to learn to fuck about without being paranoid about the consequences of his actions'.

Tim, sighing: no, i’m not allowed to have friends over when Bruce has been drinking alcohol, and he had a couple glasses of wine with brunch.

Damian, confused: since when is that a rule?

Tim: he enforced it last month, after he got drunk with Dick and Kon came round.

Damian: why… what happened?

Tim: he saw Kon walk onto the property without knocking, you know, like usual, and then he burst into tears and screamed ‘EVERYBODY TELLS ME I’M NOT GOOD AT HAVING KIDS BUT EVERYBODY KEEPS GIVING ME MORE KIDS!’

Damian: …geez.

and Jason pipes up from the end of the table around a mouthful of green beans, “True. Plus he had to deal with little-Bruce as his new employer. His employee-loyalty rate is off the fucking charts.”

and Bruce just kinda hums before casually admitting, “Yeah… I was not a good boss, either. like- especially in my teen years? You all thought the dark era was rough, you should have seen Batman’s teenage angst phase.”

“The fact that he didn’t quit is, quite frankly, insane to me.” Dick nods in agreement. And then Bruce just kinda… shrugs.

“I mean technically he doesn’t work for me anymore? I remember when I was fourteen I got angry and fired him over dinner for not agreeing to drive me to a drag race. I told him to get out of my house and he looked me right in the eyes and said ‘shut the fuck up and eat your peas.’” Bruce takes a sip of wine, casual. “Anyway, I never actually took back what I said, and I never re-hired him. So legally he’s now just a random guy who squats in the manor and regularly steals money from my bank account.”

Damian: *heavy breathing*

Damian: *grunt* *air whooshing* *grunt*

Damian: *harsh, pounding footsteps*

Damian: *heavy breathing*

*2 connecting pings*

Tim: *equally fast footsteps* ROBIN KNOCK IT OFF.

Jason: seriously- *amused chuckle* what the fuck are you doin' kiddo?

Damian: *grunt* *rushing footsteps*

Tim: WHY WON'T YOU- YOU'VE BEEN CHASING ME FOR TWENTY MINUTES WHY WONT YOU FUCKING TELL ME WHY?!

Damian: *grunt*

Tim: n- *huff* no- i'm not- IM NOT FUCKING STOPPING UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHY.

Jason: *snickering* this is fucking- this is amazing. i dunno what it is but it's great.

Tim: WHY AREN'T YOU- STOP FILMING, HOOD-

Jason: dude, seriously, just stop running away. what's the worst he does, stab you?

Tim: W- YES?!?!

Damian: *panting, rushing footsteps, grapple going off*

Tim: oh my GOD- FINE. ROBIN. ROBIN? I'M GONNA STOP ON THAT ROOFTOP. DO NOT FUCKING HURT ME OR I'M CALLING BATMAN.

*scrape of gravel*

*silence*

*harsh slapping sound*

Tim: ACK-

Jason: ohohoho that was LOUD man, i woulda heard that from all the way over here even without the coms.

Tim: THE FUCK DID YOU SLAP ME FOR?!

Damian: *panting*

*a beat*

Damian, gasping for breath: yellow car, no returns.

*long stretch of silence*

Tim, dangerously calm: excuse me?

Damian: *rushing footsteps, grapple going off, loud wind*

Jason: *instant loud cackles* OH MY- HOLY FUCK-

Tim: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

*disconnecting ping*

Tim: ROBIN.

Jason: *genuinely losing his entire shit* I CAN'T- *wheeze* *high-pitched* i can't- oh my god Robin,

Tim, completely serious: i'm gonna fucking kill him when we get home.

Jason: *still wheezing* i'm so- i'm so proud of how i raised that child, oh my god,

Tim: fuck you Hood.

Jason, weeping: i'm putting this on youtube,