Upon the Distinction Between the Ashes of the Various Tobaccos

his first thought is Tim, until he remembers all the shit Bruce put Tim through under the excuse of 'training exercises' during the dark era, and he can't risk that 3-seconds-away-from-becoming-a-villain seventeen year old seeing a drugged up Batman and deciding 'ok my turn'.

his second thought is Jason except no it's not, not a chance, absolutely the fuck not, moving on,

third thought is Dick, but Dick has a childish streak in him and is the one that treats Bruce the most like a partner rather than a guardian figure. that's dangerous. if Dick's in a bemused and bored mood then there's a very good chance Bruce will end up naked on a raft in the middle of Gotham harbour while Dick livestreams from the bridge above.

so the final decision ends up being Damian. still young, yes, but also the most proud of his position as Bruce's son. Alfred comes to the conclusion that Damian wouldn't pull anything too bad because, well, it would reflect badly on his own family line. so he calls Damian out of school and asks him to watch his father for the night, and then he leaves only minorly worried. unfortunately for Alfred, Damian is thirteen years old and currently experimenting with the freedom that comes with not being a public heir to the Demon's Head, because as Jason told him, 'he needs to learn to fuck about without being paranoid about the consequences of his actions'.

Tim, sighing: no, i’m not allowed to have friends over when Bruce has been drinking alcohol, and he had a couple glasses of wine with brunch.

Damian, confused: since when is that a rule?

Tim: he enforced it last month, after he got drunk with Dick and Kon came round.

Damian: why… what happened?

Tim: he saw Kon walk onto the property without knocking, you know, like usual, and then he burst into tears and screamed ‘EVERYBODY TELLS ME I’M NOT GOOD AT HAVING KIDS BUT EVERYBODY KEEPS GIVING ME MORE KIDS!’

Damian: …geez.

and Jason pipes up from the end of the table around a mouthful of green beans, “True. Plus he had to deal with little-Bruce as his new employer. His employee-loyalty rate is off the fucking charts.”

and Bruce just kinda hums before casually admitting, “Yeah… I was not a good boss, either. like- especially in my teen years? You all thought the dark era was rough, you should have seen Batman’s teenage angst phase.”

“The fact that he didn’t quit is, quite frankly, insane to me.” Dick nods in agreement. And then Bruce just kinda… shrugs.

“I mean technically he doesn’t work for me anymore? I remember when I was fourteen I got angry and fired him over dinner for not agreeing to drive me to a drag race. I told him to get out of my house and he looked me right in the eyes and said ‘shut the fuck up and eat your peas.’” Bruce takes a sip of wine, casual. “Anyway, I never actually took back what I said, and I never re-hired him. So legally he’s now just a random guy who squats in the manor and regularly steals money from my bank account.”

Damian: *heavy breathing*

Damian: *grunt* *air whooshing* *grunt*

Damian: *harsh, pounding footsteps*

Damian: *heavy breathing*

*2 connecting pings*

Tim: *equally fast footsteps* ROBIN KNOCK IT OFF.

Jason: seriously- *amused chuckle* what the fuck are you doin' kiddo?

Damian: *grunt* *rushing footsteps*

Tim: WHY WON'T YOU- YOU'VE BEEN CHASING ME FOR TWENTY MINUTES WHY WONT YOU FUCKING TELL ME WHY?!

Damian: *grunt*

Tim: n- *huff* no- i'm not- IM NOT FUCKING STOPPING UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHY.

Jason: *snickering* this is fucking- this is amazing. i dunno what it is but it's great.

Tim: WHY AREN'T YOU- STOP FILMING, HOOD-

Jason: dude, seriously, just stop running away. what's the worst he does, stab you?

Tim: W- YES?!?!

Damian: *panting, rushing footsteps, grapple going off*

Tim: oh my GOD- FINE. ROBIN. ROBIN? I'M GONNA STOP ON THAT ROOFTOP. DO NOT FUCKING HURT ME OR I'M CALLING BATMAN.

*scrape of gravel*

*silence*

*harsh slapping sound*

Tim: ACK-

Jason: ohohoho that was LOUD man, i woulda heard that from all the way over here even without the coms.

Tim: THE FUCK DID YOU SLAP ME FOR?!

Damian: *panting*

*a beat*

Damian, gasping for breath: yellow car, no returns.

*long stretch of silence*

Tim, dangerously calm: excuse me?

Damian: *rushing footsteps, grapple going off, loud wind*

Jason: *instant loud cackles* OH MY- HOLY FUCK-

Tim: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

*disconnecting ping*

Tim: ROBIN.

Jason: *genuinely losing his entire shit* I CAN'T- *wheeze* *high-pitched* i can't- oh my god Robin,

Tim, completely serious: i'm gonna fucking kill him when we get home.

Jason: *still wheezing* i'm so- i'm so proud of how i raised that child, oh my god,

Tim: fuck you Hood.

Jason, weeping: i'm putting this on youtube,

Stucky Text Posts :)

Americans:

From Wikipedia: A graham cracker is a sweet flavored cracker made with graham flour.

The next ingredient (which is also extremely traditionally American but slightly more variable) is typically Hershey's chocolate, but you could probably swap this out in the UK with any plain chocolate bar.

Last ingredient is big marshmallows, the kind you do the chubby bunny challenge with, like the size of your thumb and twice as thick.

A proper s'more, the most traditional possible variety, involves to graham cracker squares, two slab segments of Hershey's chocolate, and one to two marshmallows depending on your preference for filling and gooeyness. You put a slab of chocolate on one of the graham cracker squares. Your marshmallows should be toasted, usually over a campfire but if you're doing them at home over a gas stove burner is fine, but the fire part is critical. You can toast them to whatever degree you like, some people like them nice and golden brown but still kind of firm in the middle, me personally? I want that bitch to CATCH ON FIRE, I want it gooey and sticky as hell in the middle, crispy and burnt on the outside. Slap that motherfucker on your graham cracker and chocolate square, top with the other one so your marshmallow and chocolate are sandwiched together by graham cracker on the outside. You do this with your freshly toasted marshmallow because ideally it will be hot enough to start to melt the chocolate so it sticks to the marshmallow and the graham cracker and, combined with the gooey marshmallow, it keeps the whole thing together, and for that reason some people will let them sit for a hot second to let the melting process happen (especially if like me you have chocolate on BOTH graham cracker squares, not just one, because you're a sugar fiend), but if you are a young child you do not have that degree of patience and you eat that shit immediately, unmelted chocolate and all. Consume your summer camp delight like a tiny club sandwich, get gooey sticky marshmallow and chocolate all over your hands, and enjoy.

The first is that you don't pull the marshmallow off the roasting stick and somehow put it on the chocolate. Your staging area will look something like this, with the graham crackers and chocolate already set out (though not usually on the fire like this, for us it was always someone's lap or a picnic table or something)

And when your marshmallow has reached appropriate roasting perfection, you use the graham crackers to slide it off the stick.

and ideally, as a CHILD you are using a literal stick. Like you walked around and spent time looking for The Perfect Stick off the ground while the adults set up the fire. It has to be thin enough the marshmallow will fit, sturdy enough that it won't bow, long enough that you won't burn yourself roasting your marshmallow. And preferably doesn't have a lot of bark that's sloughing off, OR so much bar sloughing off you can peel it all back and get to the clean stick under it. If you're smart, you might stick the tip into the fire first to "wash" it/burn off anything that was still lingering, but. well, most kids don't.

When you bite in, the marshmallow and chocolate SHOULD ooze out all over you. If you don't kinda look like this eating it, you've probably done it wrong:

You find a spot, not above all the logs where everyone sticks their marshmallows by default, but at the heart of the fire. Ideally between a couple logs already glowing gold. Something like here:

Below the leaping flame. Near the logs. There's probably only one or two spots good enough for this on any given fire, but that's okay because everyone else is up above. They will get their marshmallows faster. They will be either firm or burned or both. That's not your goal.

Rotate the marshmallow slowly. Ideally come in at an angle so the part closest to the flame is the side, not the tip. The spot closest to the fire is the spot that turns a crispy golden brown, and you want that everywhere, on the tip and around the circle.

You keep going, slowly turning, for several minutes. Several people will rotate in and out of the higher sections, getting their fast delight. Eventually, your marshmallow will start sagging badly, risking falling. Maybe it does fall and got start over. But eventually it will be golden brown all over, and so liquid it no longer clings to the stick. It is ready, finally.

You say "who hasn't gotten one yet?" And deposit it onto their waiting graham crackers and chocolate. You've made an excellent marshmallow. It isn't for you. Get another while you're over by the bags and go back to the heart of the fire.

That's your evening. One, slow, perfect marshmallow at a time, given to whomever still wants s'more. You're making art for children to stuff into their mouths cheerfully. You're watching the movement of the fire and the heat of the logs, like you would if you were maintaining it — maybe you would be, maybe you were the one who built it — but right now that's not the goal. Let someone else put more logs on, while you take only the one stick and find the best spot for it to live.

You will, eventually, finish a marshmallow and find that nobody moves to accept it. Maybe they're all eating right now, or maybe they've gone through so many they're hesitating. Eat your masterpiece then. Enjoy it, the hardest and most perfect result from a fun and beautiful moment. Go back in for another, until you've run out of marshmallows and the fire is too low or until even you are done with s'mores, until you have made enough.

someone urinated into the ballpit while it was empty and posted it in the tag

this is not a joke

We watched the first Captain America and I have to say, I forgot about all the gay subtext. 

Now that the quality of Duolingo has fallen (even more) due to AI and people are more willing to make the jump here are just some alternative apps and what languages they have:

"I just want an identical experience to DL"

Busuu (Languages: Spanish, Japanese, French, English, German, Dutch, Italian, Portuguese, Chinese, Polish, Turkish, Russian, Arabic, Korean)

"I want a good audio-based app"

Language Transfer (Languages: French, Swahili, Italian, Greek, German, Turkish, Arabic, Spanish, English for Spanish Speakers)

"I want a good audio-based app and money's no object"

Pimsleur (Literally so many languages)

Glossika (Also a lot of languages, but minority languages are free)

*anecdote: I borrowed my brother's Japanese Pimsleur CD as a kid and I still remember how to say the weather is nice over a decade later. You can find the CDs at libraries and "other" places I'm sure.

"I have a pretty neat library card"

Mango (Languages: So many and all endangered/Indigenous courses are free even if you don't have a library that has a partnership with Mango)

"I want SRS flashcards and have an android"

AnkiDroid: (Theoretically all languages, pre-made decks can be found easily)

"I want SRS flashcards and I have an iphone"

AnkiApp: It's almost as good as AnkiDroid and free compared to the official Anki app for iphone

"I don't mind ads and just want to learn Korean"

lingory

"I want an app made for Mandarin that's BETTER than DL and has multiple languages to learn Mandarin in"

ChineseSkill (You can use their older version of the course for free)

"I don't like any of these apps you mentioned already, give me one more"

You are not going to pass a skillcheck against a rip current once it has you.

Waves will not bow to your physical prowess no matter how impressive.

Shock does not care that you used to be on your school swim team.

If you hit your head, being good at swimming isn't going to turn you face-up while you're unconscious.