Glittoris

ok I endured it. now what!!!!!!!!!

There are a lot of reasons to oppose monarchy but one of the most overlooked is that the king is always getting stuck in some kind of hazardous puzzle chamber filling up with gravel or lava or something. Do your fucking job man

my giurlfriend grabs my Thang with one of those dinosaur grabbers so hard it draws blood and i let out a single, violent, angelic note that summons a flock of doves to our windowsill

I just had a physical exam today and I haven’t done the little knee hammer reflex test since I was like four years old so I was just like “yeah it’ll just make me flinch or whatever nbd” but when the doctor actually DID it my whole ass leg fucking launched into the air like I was David fucking Beckham. She didn’t even give me a second to recover either, I was gripping onto the exam table for dear life like “oh my god I’m so sorry” and WHAM she nails the other one. My entire body jolts as my foot flies three feet in the air and she twirls out of the trajectory of a five toe death kick to the groin like a capoeira master and just says “you have very brisk reflexes”. Like miss ma’am with the PHD didn’t just Ratitouille my whole shit. Like respectfully your honour you just played my skeleton like a piano, what the hell

ma'am, I'm going to place you on a brief hold while I look for a reaction image

love when emails start off with “DO NOT REPLY”. like oh yeah way ahead of you brother

has anyone noticed recently that it's expensive

GOD i can't fucking do ANYTHING WRONG (throws beer bottle at the wall but it bounces off and lands perfectly right side up)

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whos there

agnostic is lowkey the funniest belief system it's just like yeah idk it's none of my business

GUARDS!! console me

*tosses you a playstation*