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The Witch of Stolen Tomorrows had begun to notice an odd trend amongst her petitioners.
The latest was a farmer. He had braved the journey through the Testing Woods and arrived with his convictions mostly intact. He now sat on a tree stump by the Witchâs thornbush cottage, drinking a cup of bitter tea, and asking for a fairly standard boon.
"Oh yes," said the Witch, "I can make you a spell for a bountiful harvest, but what will you give me in return?"
The farmer gulped. "My firstborn child?"
"By the dick-shattered sky.â The Witch exclaimed. âWhat?"
"Oh. You don't take firstborn children?"
"I am a witch of ancient promises, timeless dreams, and fresh blood.â The Witch announced. âOf course I take firstborn children. It's just a bit weird that it was your first offer."
Holy shit
A king who doesn't really want to and isn't able to run the kingdom properly catches wind of a noble woman who wants to kill him to take over and he realizes she is extremely competent so he decides to propose to her to save everyone the hassle and they have a surprisingly healthy relationship.
A Reasonable Proposal
King Aerlin the Third of Aelren did not like ruling.
He didnât dislike it because of the wars, or the finances, or the elaborate diplomacy involved in placating half-drunk barons in jewel-toned doublets. No, his dislike was more fundamental. He simply wasnât good at it.
He tried, at first. Earnestly, even. But policies blurred into parchment sludge, council meetings turned into passive-aggressive theatre, and every attempt to act âkinglyâ seemed to offend someone important. The advisors whispered that he was too soft. The generals claimed he was too hesitant. The high clergy said he lacked divine conviction.
He found solace in books, wandering his sprawling library with a glass of something amber in hand, or escaping to the gardens to sketch flowers he couldnât name. On paper, his signature was elegant. In person, he was a walking apology wrapped in a crown.
But fate, ever fond of irony, had other plans for him.
And so it was that King Aerlin learnedâwhile half-asleep at a council meeting about grain tariffsâthat Lady Mirena of Lirenthal had been overheard plotting to kill him.
â...a subtle poison, Your Majesty,â droned Chancellor Vallis, squinting through his bifocals. âVery clean. Allegedly undetectable. Sheâs even assembled supporters, minor lords mostly. All quite impressed with her... ah, administrative acumen.â
Aerlin blinked. âI beg your pardon?â
âShe means to kill you, sire,â said General Rennor cheerfully, slicing an apple with a dagger far too large for fruit. âAnd frankly, if she were aiming to win hearts and minds, sheâs doing a marvelous job.â
âWhy is no one alarmed by this?â
âSheâd be a more effective ruler,â muttered Lady Vyne, one of his oldest council members. âYouâre sweet, Aerlin, but sweet isnât a strategy.â
âSheâs also thirty-three and unmarried,â added the Master of Coin. âAmbition tends to curdle when thereâs no outlet.â
Aerlin stared at them all.
âSo, let me be clear,â he said slowly. âA noblewoman is plotting to assassinate me, and youâre all... supportive?â
The room exchanged looks.
âSheâs really very competent,â Vallis offered weakly.
And so, that night, Aerlin read the report in full.
Lady Mirena of House Lirenthalâoriginating from a side branch of her familyâwas born to obscurity and rose like wildfire. She managed estates with uncanny efficiency, implemented fair tax schemes in her region, and had allegedly turned a struggling orphanage into a self-sustaining institution in under a year. Her public works were admired. Her speeches circulated in pamphlets. She was rumored to read three languages and had once bested a general in a game of Go in under twenty moves.
She was, in short, exactly the kind of person Aerlin wished was in charge.
He closed the dossier and sipped his wine, thinking. Killing her would be a political nightmare. Letting her kill him would beâwhile somewhat temptingânot ideal for the kingdom. Or himself.
That left one option.
Mirena was not pleased to be summoned.
She arrived at the palace flanked by two silent attendants and clad in steel-gray silk, the color of dignity under threat. Her mouth was drawn in a polite, disdainful line. She curtsied with mechanical grace.
âYour Majesty,â she said, as though addressing a bee she hoped wouldnât sting.
Aerlin dismissed the guards. âThank you for coming. I promise I wonât waste your time.â
âThen let us speak plainly,â she replied. âYouâre aware Iâve considered removing you.â
He appreciated her honesty. âYes. I read the report.â
âThen I assume youâve summoned me to threaten, bribe, or execute.â
âNone of the above.â
That gave her pause. A tiny vertical line appeared between her brows.
âI want to propose,â he said.
A beat.
âPropose what?â she asked, cautiously.
âMarriage.â
She blinked. âExcuse me?â
âLook,â Aerlin gestured vaguely at a chair, then sat across from her. âEveryone thinks youâd make a better ruler. Theyâre not wrong. Youâre smart. Capable. Terrifying. I, meanwhile, once got lost in my own wine cellar.â
She didnât laugh. But the corner of her mouth twitched.
âSo why not save everyone the trouble?â he continued. âYou want the throne. I donât. But if you kill me, thereâs a succession crisis, maybe a civil war, probably famineââ
âI have plans in place for a famine,â she interrupted.
âI donât doubt it,â he said with a smile. âBut hereâs a better way. Marry me. Rule as queen. Iâll stay out of your way. Iâll go to ribbon-cuttings and pretend to care about tournaments. You handle the real governance. And in return, both the kingdom and I survive and thrive.â
Mirena stared at him.
âThis is not how power is transferred,â she said slowly.
âNeither is assassination,â he replied.
Silence fell. Then she said, âDo you have any idea what youâre offering?â
âSalvation?â he said, only half joking.
âNo. Legitimacy. Youâd give your crown to a woman the nobles barely tolerate, who has no royal bloodââ
âEveryone thinks youâre from the side family. No one needs to know you were adopted.â
Her eyes narrowed slightly.
âSo youâve done your digging.â
âI wanted to know my potential future wife,â he said, unashamed. âOriginally named Maeve, orphaned at six by the Frontier Crisis. Adopted at fourteen by Duchess Elen of Lirenthal because you looked and behaved remarkably regal. Youâve been hiding that ever since.â
She looked away. âIt shouldnât matter.â
âI agree. But it does. So use me.â
At that, she tilted her head. Studied him like one might study an unusually articulate frog.
âAnd what do you want out of this, truly?â
Aerlin paused. âI want someone competent in charge. I want the kingdom to survive. I want to go back to reading poems and failing at painting. And maybe... I want someone who doesnât look at me like Iâm a failure just because I hate ruling.â
There was another silence, but softer this time.
âYouâre ridiculous,â she said finally.
âFrequently.â
She stood.
âIâll consider it.â
He didnât expect her to say yes.
But three days later, she returned.
âI accept,â she said simply.
The wedding was small, by royal standards. Mirena refused most of the excess and insisted the remaining budget be redirected to emergency granaries in the floodplains. The nobles grumbled, but they knew better than to challenge her now.
Publicly, the marriage was framed as a political union of stability and shared vision. Privately, the court whispered of the strange couple: the incompetent king and the ambitious queen.
They werenât lovers. Not at first. But something like respect bloomed between them.
Mirena took to ruling like a sitsi to water. She restructured the tax system, appointed common-born clerks who proved capable, and brokered trade agreements that stunned the treasury into silence. She had little patience for flattery and even less for corruption. Several wealthy lords âretiredâ mysteriously after meeting with her.
Aerlin, for his part, became something unexpected: likable. He played the part of doting husband with a warmth that felt genuine. He hosted banquets, read to children at city festivals, and insisted on planting trees in every district.
âShe rules the mind,â he said once in an interview, âand I, the heart. It works out.â
It did.
One evening, nearly two years into their marriage, they found themselves in the palace garden. The moon hung like a pale coin in the sky.
Mirena stood with her arms folded, watching the newly planted magnolias.
âYou know,â Aerlin said from the bench nearby, âI used to be afraid of you.â
âYou should still be,â she replied, without turning.
He chuckled.
âWhy didnât you go through with it?â he asked after a moment. âThe assassination, I mean.â
She looked at him then. Her amber eyes were tired, but bright.
âI almost did,â she admitted. âBut then I reread the reports. Youâve never ordered executions. You never raised taxes on the poor. You listened more than you spoke. And...â She hesitated. âYou left most of the heavy lifting to others.â
âBecause I was terrible at it.â
âBecause you were honest about being terrible at it,â she said. âThat kind of self-awareness is rare.â
He smiled, surprised.
âBesides,â she added, voice dry, âI didnât want to run a broken kingdom. Better to fix it first, then take it.â
He laughed then, genuinely. âRomantic.â
They sat in comfortable silence.
Eventually, Aerlin said, âI like this. Us.â
She glanced at him.
âSo do I.â
It wasnât a grand love. But it was something better, perhaps. A partnership. An odd sort of love forged not from passion, but from shared purpose and trust.Â
Wouldnât leave my mind sorry

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Also
sflix.to (movies, TV series, also rare international movies)
hianime.to (anime only)
kissanimes.et (anime)
kimcartoon.com.co (cartoon series and movies)
www.iq.com (Asian dramas)
Netflix has gotten way too greedy.
decentralize and clean up your life!!!
use overdrive, libby, hoopla, cloudlibrary, and kanopy instead of amazon and audible.
use firefox instead of chrome or opera (both are made with chromium, which blocks functionality for ad-blockers. firefox isn't based on chromium).
use mega or proton drive instead of google drive.
get rid of bloatware
use libreoffice instead of microsoft office suite
use vetted sites on r/FREEMEDIAHECKYEAH for free movies, books, games, etc.
use trakt or letterboxd instead of imdb.
use storygraph instead of goodreads.
use darkpatterns to find mobile game with no ads or microtransactions
use ground news to read unbiased news and find blind spots in news stories.
use mediahuman or cobalt to download music, or support your favorite artists directly through bandcamp
make youtube bearable by using mtube, newpipe, or the unhook extension on chrome, firefox, or microsoft edge
use search for a cause or ecosia to support the environment instead of google
use thriftbooks to buy new or used books (they also have manga, textbooks, home goods, CDs, DVDs, and blurays)
use flashpoint to play archived online flash games
find books, movies, games, etc. on the internet archive! for starters, here's a bunch of David Attenborough documentaries and all of the Animorphs books
burn your music onto cds
use pdf24 (available online or as a desktop app) instead of adobe
use unroll.me to clean your email inboxes
use thunderbird, mailfence, countermail, edison mail, tuta, or proton mail instead of gmail
remove bloatware on windows PC, macOS, and iOS X
remove bloatware on samsung X
use pixelfed instead of instagram or meta
use NCH suite for free software like a file converter, image editor, video editors, pdf editor, etc.
feel free to add more alternatives, resources or advice in the reblogs or replies, and i'll add them to the main post <3
last updated: march 18th 2025
As more and more people are being forced to switch to Windows 11, Microsoft's most AI-malware-ridden OS yet, I've been putting together articles and links for how to undo the damage and save your battery, your RAM, your disk space, your privacy, and your sanity from this bullshit.
FIRST:
The easiest way to get rid of the majority of the bullshit that Windows is forcing on us, as of October 2025, is this one-stop-one-click debloat solution from a modern day hero:
A simple, lightweight PowerShell script to remove pre-installed apps, disable telemetry, as well as perform various other changes to customi
It's very easy, even if you're not tech savvy or get scared of pop up windows saying "ARE YOU SURE?" Yes, you are sure, I promise. This program takes maybe two minutes and will save you SO MUCH pain, time, and money (and exploitation).
Now that you've done that, here's the cleanup, to catch the little shit that the debloat might have missed (most of this will already be done by debloat, but hey, it's good to double check).
Microsoft wants to put AI everywhere on your PC, but you can take back control.
Even just reading about some of these features makes me angry. Fucking Copilot and "Discover" AI scrapers are in Notepad. NOTEPAD. And then there's this uncanny valley garbage:
No uncanny valley video calls for me, thanks! (Also, what else is it doing while it scans your face and listens to your calls? What else, microsoft? Because there was a lot of memory being assigned to this program for a simple "smooths your skin" add on).
Tired of Microsoft pushing ads throughout Windows 11? Here are the settings you can tweak to turn them off and reclaim some privacy.
The truly insane number of places they have stuck ads on your own home computer is sickening. Become Unmarketable.
Bonus:
Some background programs you probably don't need that are taking up space and how to remove them (Microsoft forums, 2024)
Your Samsung Galaxy Phone comes with 22 apps you don't need (Android Police, 2025)
How to disable the AI in firefox (still the only browser that lets you do this permanently) (Windows Report, 2025)
Hey kid you want a job?
Great get online and go to a job board. Indeed, Linkedin whatever. Now you're gonna search for a role that's in your city, fits your qualifications, and doesn't seem like a bad time.
See that easy apply button? Don't hit it they just throw those in the trash. Now you're gonna want to go to the company's website and check their careers page.
Oh? That job doesn't exist anymore. Cool go back to the job board and find another one.
Great you found another job, you're on the company's career page and the job exists!! So you're going to need to make an account on the career page website. They're using Workday, the same site as the last job you applied for? Who cares? You need to make another account for THIS job's workday page.
Now you're going to upload your resume. That'll autopopulate about 15 boxes with everything on your resume, except formatted wrong and with tons of errors. So just go through and painstakingly check the dates on all of that and rewrite everything you already laid out in an aesthetically pleasing format on your resume.
Ok time for the cover letter, explain why this specific job and company are deeply important to you. You love their mission statement and wouldn't even laugh if their ceo was gunned down in the street. You'll really want to reiterate the things you just spent the last 20 minutes filling out on the resume section
(Remember to include language from the job description, people who work in HR are lower than dogs and they need patterns or they get confused.) Write about a page, but hey don't sound too desperate or robotic this is where they judge your character!
Maybe add your portfolio site at the end here, who knows if that helps no one has ever clicked mine haha.
Anywayyy time to hit apply! Congrats! You'll see that confirmation email come in and you should be getting the rejection letter in about 2 weeks. Unfortunately your resume didn't have the right buzzwords and the AI auto rejected you :(
Time to start again and try not to kill yourself!
Listen to me
Listen very closely
The above is exactly why half of my friends come to me, and cry they're suffering, and I get to bestow my job hunting knowledge on them. I love this shit, it's a game.
For credentials my fastest job hunting time has been 1 week. I searched for 1 week, got an interview, and was hired within a week. My slowest was 1 month, while out of work, while telling ALL my interviewers that I quit my work without notice (I was testing my interviewers to see how shocked they'd get when I'd tell them why, anyone who wasn't shocked I would tell them at the end that I will keep them in mind (not)). My entire average is 2-3 weeks.
Firstly, what you're gunna do is pick a job sector. You're gunna pick a few of these by the end, but for now pick one. Maybe you wanna do bookkeeping, maybe you wanna do something in doggy daycare. Maybe you're a sous chef. Idk! Figure out what abouts you want first. Do not apply to anything yet. You're gunna look at the job description, I've picked out a few for bookkeepers below.
Now what you're gunna do is you're gunna look for "buzz words", or rather words that are gunna appear commonly and indicate the tone for that job. I've highlighted some, but not all in my examples below
Just look at that snout at how similar those descriptions are!
Now that you've got your buzzwords, you're gunna slap those babies into your resume! You see, since your resume is usually read by a computer first, you're gunna trick the computer into giving it to a person. Really what the computer is scanning for is how similar your resume is to the job description. Remember your bullet points, and to keep it short, try to only have 3 to 5 bullet points per job:
- Processed over 500 invoices a day in an efficient and accurate manner
- Curated reports for management review by utilizing available data
- Monitored and recorded over 100 submissions each day increasing accuracy by 50%
These are some great, made up examples I pulled from those buzz words. You might notice I added some numbers into there. That's something you'll wanna try and note for yourself, how much of something you can do, how accurate, how much efficiency you increased, these look GREAT when your resume gets past the computer and is moved in front of a real person.
Now you have your sector-based resume with lots of buzzwords. This is great! Now for the easy part. You're gunna channel your inner "IDGAF" And you're gunna send that to every listing you like on indeed. Filter for "Apply on Indeed" and spam that shit. Sometimes you gotta answer a few extra questions, but if they give me more than 5 quick questions I trash the submission and move on.
Don't waste your time jumping through hoops, streamline it for yourself and use the same methods companies are using. Push MASSIVE amounts of average quality resumes out. The more opportunities taken = the greater the chance of success. For every opportunity taken you've now pitched a chance of success, for every resume you cannot submit because you're piddling around on their stupid website or answering 50 interview questions online, you send out a 0% chance of success.
So go, try this, and see how it works for you.
Some additional things to consider:
- Add random shit in your resume, I added my "Board Game Club" (BDSM group) into my resume for hobbies and discussed how I got my start using sparklines there
- Never underestimate the flair of a little Clipart fleur-de-lis or something on your resume. Never put colored Clipart, but a little floral or swirl design located somewhere nice makes it stand out
- if you don't have a degree that doesn't mean they won't pick you, twice now I've come to a job without a bachelors and being honest that I was only getting an associates before I think of my next steps
- Embellish, do not lie. Jargoning your job description to make it sound cool and professional is GREAT. Do not give me a resume saying you can use CNC machinery when you've only used a 3D printer. Just tell me you know how to program and manage a 3d printer and want to learn CNC machinery.
- Keep. Your. Resume. To. Two. Or. Less. Pages. You don't need EVERY job, only the relevant ones, if your interviewer asks about the gap, tell them what job you had during that time (or if you wanna lie say you were taking college courses and were on a break, you dont need a degree to say you took courses) and that you only wanted to showcase the most relevant ones
- I'm serious on that last one I'll eat your fucking resume
HERE'S HOW TO WRITE A COVER LETTER FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS DONE IT PROFESSIONALY:
Look at the job description.
Identify what they want examples of like "ability to multitask" or "can work across teams to achieve success" or "can work on a budget".
Pick three.
Write this:
IF YOU CAN FIND THE NAME OF A HIRING PERSON: Dear [Name]
IF YOU CAN'T FIND THE NAME OF A HIRING PERSON: Fuck the usual salutation and just roll directly into "I was very excited when I saw this job application. I feel I am a great fit for this role."
Now, look at the three things you chose from their list of what they want. Write a paragraph like this.
I am an adept multitakser who routinely handles several projects/deadlines/needs (whatever). In my current position I [multitask example]. In my previous work, I [second example].
SECOND PARAGRAPH SAME AS THE FIRST DIFFERENT THING THEY WANT BUT NOT ANY WORSE:
In my current position, I work with multiple teams daily, including [name any team you have waved hello to in the hall] and through my work we have [list an accomplishment that required multiple teams].
THIRD PARAGRAPH HERE WE GO AGAIN:
Staying in budget is something I am very familiar with. When I worked on [team], my contributions [list] not only brought the project in on time but under budget by [number]. I have also brought in other projects under budget [examples].
AND NOW THE FINALE:
Thank you for your time in reviewing my cover letter and resume. I look forward to discussing my qualifications and interest in the role with you at length. I can reached at [phone number] and [email].
Sincerely,
[NAME]
And remember, any question that is looking for a negative story ("Tell me about a time you had a conflict with a co-worker") should ALWAYS be presented by you as "I do have a story for that, and I'm pleased with how I handled it." and then you focus on the all the positives in that situation. So, state what the problem was, and then how you fixed it, and then how fixing it improved your working experience. For example:
"Well, I worked with a man named Bob, and he never answered any emails he got after 3:00 PM, so if I had a question after 3, I'd start a draft email and just add to it if i had further questions. And then I'd schedule it to send at the top of his workday. He started earlier than me, and I'd usually come in to a reply from him with the answers I needed when I first sat down for the day. I actually had another co-worker who was having trouble getting Bob to answer questions, and I said, "Oh, are you sending them after 3?" and when she said yes, I shared my own process so it was easier for her to get information, too."
You see how you acknowledge there was an issue but put most of the focus in your answer on the fix? That's the sort of answer they're looking for. The "tell us about something bad at work" questions are about weeding out people who will take any moment to go into a full-on complaint about anything. Any questions that SOUND negative are about wanting to hear your POSTIVIE ability to manage conflict and difficulties.
Good motherfucking god
OH MY GOD THATS EXACTLY WHAT ITS LIKE
EXACTLY
When I finally got medicated for ADHD, I asked why insomnia was such a problem for me.
The doctor paused, and then said, thoughtfully: "Well, you see, you also have ADHD at night."
why is it a banger
I've been enjoying the responses I get to this but I feel like I have to break it to you all that "the guy" is twins

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Oh yeah, she deserved that Oscar bad
He wants to fuck her so bad it makes him look stupid
That's his fiancee.
#car butch legally blonde
Oh we're not leaving THAT in the tags
âX bodily fluid is just filtered blood!â buddy I hate to break it to you but ALL of the fluids in your body are filtered blood. Your circulatory system is how water gets around your body. It all comes out of the blood (or lymph, which is just filtered blood).
âOkay but why is it always so chemically roundabout and unnecessarily complicatedâ well buddy, thatâs because your blood is imitation seawater. See? Itâs very simple.
Blood is what now?
Itâs imitation seawater what part is confusing
#are you telling me#humans are just sentient aquariums?Â
Buddy if anything is living in your blood (except for more parts of you) in detectable amounts then you have a serious microbial infection and need to go to the hospital.
Humans are seawater wastelands kept sterile of all but human cells, with microbial mats coating their surfaces.
Thank you thatâsâŚvery disturbing
Itâs not my fault youâre human.
Ok but âItâs not my fault youâre human.â Is the best comeback ever.
You can use it against anyone except children that you biologically helped to create.
#/blood is imitation seawater/ is the part thatâs confusingÂ
Picture this: you are a Thing That Lives In The Ocean. Some kind of small multicellular animal a long time ago, before proper circulatory systems existed. âWow,â you think, metaphorically, âit sure is difficult to diffuse chemicals across my whole body. Kinda puts a hard limit on the size and distance of what specialised organs I can have. Good thing I have all this water around me thatâs the same salinity as my cells (they have to be that way so I donât explode or shrivel up) so I can diffuse and filter chemicals with that.â
âWait a minute,â you say a couple of generations later, because youâre not actually a small animal but an evolutionary process personified and simplified to the point of dangerous inaccuracy for the purposes of a Tumblr post, âinstead of losing all these important chemicals to the water around me, how about I put it in tubes? I can keep MY water separate from the rest of the worldâs water! Anything I want to keep goes in my water! Anything I donât, I dump back into the outside water! Iâm a genius! An unthinking natural trial-and-error process thatâs a GENIUS!â
âWow,â you think a great many generations later, âbeing able to have such control over such high concentrations of important chemicals is so great. Look how big Iâm getting. I even have a special pump to move my seawater around, and these cool filter systems to keep the chemicals in it right, and that control and chemical concentration has let me grow so many energy-intensive, highly specialised organs! Being big is so hard. I need special cells just to carry my oxygen around now, to make sure my enormous, constantly-operating body has enough of it.â
At this point you are embodying a fish, and eventually, fish start straying into water with different pressures and salinity levels. (I mean, they do that since befor ehtyâer fish, but⌠look, Iâm trying to keep things simple here.) âWhat the FUCK,â you think. âMy inside water is at a different salinity and pressure to the outside water?? How am I supposed to deal with that? I canât have freshwater inside my seawater tubes! My cells have a set salinity and they would explode! I need to start beefing up my regulatory and filter systems so that my inside seawater STAYS SEAWATER OF THE CORRECT SALINITY even if the outside water is different! Fortunately, adding salt to my seawater is a lot easier than removing it, and I want to be saltier than this weird outside water.â At this point you beef up your liver and urinary systems to compensate for different salinities. (Note: the majority of fish, freshwater and saltwater, have a fairly narrow band of salinities they can live in. Every fish doesnât get to deal with every level of salinity; they are evolved to regulate within specific bands.)
You also, at some point, go out on land. This is new and weird because you have to carry all of your water inside. âItâs a good thing I turned myself into a giant bag of seawater,â you think. âIf I wasnât carrying my seawater inside, how would I transport all these important chemicals between my organs and the environment?â As you specialise to live entirely outside of the water, you realise (once again) that itâs a lot easier to add salt to water than to remove it in great quantities. Drinking seawater in large amounts becomes toxic; your body isnât specialised for removing that amount of salt. Instead, you drink freshwater, and add salts to that. The majority of your organs are, at this point, specialised for moving your seawater around, protecting it, adding stuff to it, or taking stuff out. You have turned yourself into an intelligent bag for carrying and regulating a small amount of imitation seawater, and its salinity (and your commitment to maintaining that salinity) is based entirely on the seawater that some early animals started to build tubes around a long time ago.
And thatâs what a human is!
Well, thereâs another few steps, of course.
Because at some point, operating along lines of logic that worked out perfectly so far, you did decide to be a mammal.
A mammal is a machine for adapting to Circumstances. A mammal is a tremendously resilient all-terrain life-support system, with built-in heating, cooling, respiration, and incubators for reproduction. Mammals internalise everything (grudges, eggs) and furthermore are excessively, flamboyantly wet internally. Sure, everyoneâs a bag of chemicals; but mammals slosh. Mammals took the concept of an internal ocean and took it in an unnecessarily splashy direction, added aftermarket mods and a climate-control system,
and just to show off, you leaned across the metaphorical gambling table and said: âmy internal ocean is so good-â
âBullshit,â said the shark, keeping it salty (ha)
âMy internal ocean is so brilliantly resilient, more so than any of YOURS,â you said, holding their attention with a digit held aloft, âthat for my next trick, I shall artistically recreate the ballad of evolution as a performance. I shall craft a complex chemical ballet depicting the origin of multicellular life - using some of my own material, of course-â
âOh, ANYONE can lay an egg,â yodel the fish, and the ray adds: âontogeny does NOT recapitulate phylogeny!!â
And youâre like, âyeah no, itâs an artistic rendition, not a literal thing. Basically Iâm going to take some cells and brew them up-â
âLike an egg.â
âLike an egg. An egg but internally.â
âYeah,â said the viviparous reptile, âyeah, like, that can work really well. Iâve always said itâs the highest test of oneâs chemical know-how. Itâs a lot of work. And forget about support from your family - forget about support from your PHYLUM - all you get is criticism.â
âIâm gonna do it on purpose forever,â you said. âThe highest chemical, thermoregulatory, immunological, everything-logical challenge. Itâs gonna be my thing.â
âIâm with you,â said a viviparous fish, stoutly. âRepresentation.â
You kindly donât point out, once again, that youâre planning to do this outside the ocean, in a range of temperatures; carrying the dividing cells in a perfect 37.5⢠solution of saline broth in all terrains, breathing oxygen in a complicated matter, you know, bit more difficult; but you need your allies.
âItâs solid,â says the coelacanth.
âBut is it metal?â says the deep-vent organism.
âOh, itâs metal. I will feed the young,â you say, magnificently, âon an echo of the mother ocean. The first rich feast of cellular matter, the first hunt for sustenance, the first bite they sip of our liquid planet-â
Everyone waits.
âWill be a blood byproduct. My own blood byproduct.â
Everyone looks uncomfortable.
âBut,â a hagfish says carefully, âdonât you outdoorsy guys still need your blood?â
You cough and explain that if you stay wet enough internally and hydrate frequently, you should be able to produce enough blood byproduct to sustain your hellish new invention until they can eat your peers.
The outrage that follows includes questions like âis this some furry shit?â And: âmilk has WATER in it?â
And you won the bet. âMy inner ocean is such a perfect homage to the primordial soup that I can personally cook up an entire live hairy mammal in it. And then generate excess blood byproduct from my body and give it to the small mammal until it gets big.â
That is an absolutely bonkers pitch, by the way, and everyone thought you were a showoff, even before the opposable thumbs. When the winter came, and the winter of winters, and the rain was acid and the air was poison on the tender shells of their eggs and choked the children in the shells; when the plants turned to poison, and the ocean turned against you all; when the climate changed, and the worldâs children fell to shadow; your internal ocean was it that held true. A bet laid against the changing fates, a bet laid by a small beast against climate and geography and the forces of outer space, that you won. The dinosaurs fell and the pterosaurs fell and the marine reptiles dwindled, and you, furthest-child, least-looked-for, long-range-spaceship, held hope internally at 37.5 degrees. Which is another thing that humans do, sometimes.
It has been MONTHS, @elodieunderglass, and I am still mumbling âfurthest-child, least-looked-for, long-range-spaceshipâ under my breath as a comfort phrase, and the FUCKING INDIGNITY that it came from this godforsaken post about THE HORRIBLE WETNESS OF MAMMALS!
âThe horrible wetness of mammalsâ would make a great band name.
âhold hope, internally, at 37.5 degreesâ and âMammals internalize everything (eggs, grudges)â Now live permanently in my vocabulary
SoâŚbasically humans are justâŚhorrible things with legs?
@elodieunderglass
Thatâs all all of us are in the end
#âif anything is living in your blood you have a serious microbial infectionâ didnât sound right#because I know the human body contains mostly nonhuman cells#but Iâm glad I checked because it seems the circulatory system is one of the few tubes that doesnât have its own microbiota#which is too bad because being an aquarium sounds like fun#biology#poetry
I should point out that technically there are all sorts of little guys living in your blood! The issue is that theyâre all you. You have so many blood cells swimming about in there.
Watch this funky lil dude chase down an Unauthorised Fucking Thing (neutrophil eliminating golden staph bacterium)
Love how tumblr has its own folk stories. Yeah the God of Arepo weâve all heard the story and we all still cry about it. Yeah that one about the woman locked up for centuries finally getting free. That one about the witch who would marry anyone who could get her house key from her cat and itâs revealed she IS the cat after the narrator befriends the cat.
Might I add:
The defeat of the wizard who made people choose how theyâd be to be executed
The woman who raised the changeling alongside her biological child
The human who died of radiation poisoning after repairing the spaceship
The adventures of a space roomba
Cinderella finding Araura (and falling in love)
I donât know a snappy description but the my nemesis cynthia story certainly lives in my head
hilariously, these are almost all in my fic tag. so, a compiled list from the notes (and some extras):
The God of Arepo (graphic novel 1 / 2 / 3) (ebook)
The Monster of Sentan
The Witchâs Cat
Raise Both Children
Stabby the Roomba (honorable mention)
Cinderella Marries the Prince (comic)
My Arch Nemesis Cynthia
Pirates and Mermaid
Eindred and the Witch
The Demon King
The Cornerwitch
Grandmother Beetroot
Apocalypse Daycare Worker
Grandmother Accidentally Summons a Demon
New Year Saga
A Story About Changelings
Ranger in the Kingâs Forest
The Difference Between a Hare and a Rabbit
Goblin Men (Canines)
I am in love with you /p
this might be my favorite tiktok i have ever seen. absolute gold through and through
Posting this everywhere til im not obsessed with it anymore

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Jesus christ I love humanity