I’m Into Odd Things

Real talk: I'm autistic, ADHD, and chronically ill. That means my social battery is often on E, my brain weirds out about responding, and by the time I remember to text back… three weeks have passed. 😅

If I owe you a reply, I promise it's not personal. I see you. I love you. My brain just does this thing where existing takes 90% of my energy and the remaining 10% is trying to remember if I ate today.

Alternatives that actually work:

Try me on a good day (between 10am-2pm is prime time

long meaningful notes where I can take a day or two to craft a response just as meaningful!

Remind me without guilt on one of my other platforms if it’s been a few days but don’t get discouraged if that seems fruitless too. I’m sorry lol

short public comments asking a direct question …

You matter. My neurodivergent chaos just means we gotta get creative. 🧠✨

An open note to my irl friends

If you walk into my house on a bad day, you might think I am lazy. There are dishes in the sink. Laundry is piled up. The floor needs sweeping. And I am lying on the couch, scrolling on my phone.

I know how it looks. I know the judgment that comes with it.

But here is what you cannot see: my body treats standing up like a medical emergency. My brain treats starting a task like climbing a mountain. And every chore I do today comes with a 48 hour price tag that I will pay tomorrow.

I am not lazy. I am out of spoons…and my spoons are counted in millimeters, not tablespoons.

I have a condition called POTS. When I stand up, gravity pulls my blood into my legs. My brain panics because it is not getting enough oxygen. I get dizzy, my heart races, and that "physical block" hits..a pressure in my head that makes thinking impossible.

For a normal person, washing a sink full of dishes takes 15 minutes of standing.

For me, that 15 minutes triggers a cascade: brain fog, trembling, and a crushing fatigue that lasts for hours. By the time I finish the dishes, I cannot do anything else for the rest of the day. I have spent my whole energy budget on a single chore.

Here is the cruelest part: my immune system is on a delay timer.

If I push myself to vacuum the floor or clean the bathroom, my body does not rebel immediately. It waits. 24 to 48 hours later, I wake up with the flu like aches, the freezing cold that blankets cannot fix, and the joint pain that makes moving unbearable.

That one hour of cleaning costs me two full days of being bedridden. It is not laziness to avoid that…it is self-preservation.

I also have ADHD and autism. This means my brain struggles with "task initiation." It is not that I do not want to clean. It is that my brain cannot find the on switch.

For a neurotypical person, deciding to clean is one step: "I will do the dishes." For me, it is a cascade of overwhelming decisions:

· Where do I start?

· What do I need?

· How long will it take?

· What if I get interrupted?

· What if I start and cannot finish?

That invisible wall is real. It is exhausting. And it makes even a small chore feel like a life or death decision.

This is the part that scares me most. I have had a brain hemorrhage and a heart attack caused by my blood vessels clamping shut. When I overexert myself, I raise my blood pressure and heart rate. For a healthy person, that is exercise. For me, that is a risk.

Pushing myself to carry laundry up the stairs or scrub a bathtub is not just uncomfortable, it carries a real, measurable risk of triggering another vascular event. I am not being dramatic. I am being honest.

I am not asking someone to do everything for me. I am asking for help with the specific tasks that break my body and break my brain.

Here is what actually helps:

· Breaking tasks into small, specific chunks. Instead of "clean the kitchen," say "can you wash the three pans in the sink?" That one clear, tiny task is doable.

· Taking over the upright tasks. Vacuuming, carrying heavy things, scrubbing…those are the ones that physically wreck me. If you can do those, I can sit down and fold laundry or sort mail.

· Body doubling. Just having someone in the same room while I do a task helps my ADHD brain stay focused. You do not have to help …just be there.

· Giving me a heads up. If you text me and say "I am coming over in 2 hours to help you tackle the bathroom," I can mentally prepare. Surprise help still takes spoons; scheduled help gives me time to budget my energy.

I know I look capable. I know I am smart. I know you see me scroll on my phone and think "if she can do that, she can clean."

But scrolling is flat posture and low dopamine. Cleaning is upright posture, executive planning, physical exertion, and a guaranteed flare.

I am not choosing to live in chaos. I am choosing to survive. And sometimes, surviving means letting the dishes wait so I do not end up in the hospital.

and no offense intended, damn it's a sexy shot.

Why thank you! I have a photo backlog to post anyway lolllll

Let me be radically, uncomfortably honest about what I'm searching for.

What I'm looking for:

A partner who understands that love and kink aren't mutually exclusive….they're intertwined. I want someone who sees power exchange as intimacy, not performance. Someone who knows the difference between control and care. Someone who can hold space for my darkness without trying to fix it.

I'm looking for the kind of connection where we can laugh, cry, fight, fuck, and fall apart together…and still choose each other the next morning. The kind where submission is a gift, not a given. Where trust is built in the small moments, not just the big ones.

I want someone who understands that my body is a complicated landscape…one made and shaped by trauma, chronic illness, and survival. Someone who doesn't flinch at the scars, the limitations, the days I can't get out of bed. Someone who sees my fragility and doesn't mistake it for weakness.

What I'm NOT looking for:

I'm not looking for a caretaker. I'm not looking for someone to save me, fix me, or fund me. I'm looking for a partner…equal, even when the scales are uneven.

I'm not looking for someone who will resent my limitations. Who will grow tired of the cancellations, the low energy days, the reality of living with someone who is profoundly disabled. If you can't handle inconsistency, this won't work.

I'm not looking for someone who needs me to be the main income. I will never be able to carry that weight. My body and brain simply cannot. If that's a dealbreaker, I understand….but I won't apologize for it.

The hard truth:

My timeline is different. I will likely die before you. That's not drama….its reality. Chronic illness has a way of shortening the road. If we build a future, it may not be as long as you imagined. I need someone who can hold that truth without running from it.

Some days I won't be able to keep up. Some days I'll be irritable, exhausted, grieving the life I wanted. I need someone who can sit in the mess with me….not fix it, just... stay.

I will die before you do. And I need you to be okay with that….or at least brave enough to love me anyway.

If any of this scares you off? Good. You weren't meant to stay.

If it doesn't? Let's talk.