Random Mumblings of a psychotic fangirl

You will suffer the curse of caw!

I have never been suicidal and have never been harming myself so I knew it was the medicine talking, as it's a quite common side effect.

My doctor is nice and has given me a permission to adjust my medication intake as I see fit and immediately stop if I get bad side effects. I have a new appointment next month where I will tell how it's going (bad) and I think we'll try new medication.

As both of my siblings are autistic with ADHD, and had the same issues with anxiety and depression medication, I think this happening also to me is a quite big arrow pointing towards the possibility of me being autistic with ADHD, too.

Withdrawal from the meds is a struggle of its own but I mentally feel so much better without them. I rather live with constant babbling in the back of my head, anxiety, social issues etc. without the meds than take medication which makes me like a zombie who actively plots her own demise (which is not who I am, and no, I don't plan to take my own life).

It's also telling that I started an online therapy for anxiety and after hearing my reasons for this therapy, the therapist immediately said: "Listen, this isn't for you so you can quit any time you want or decide not to go through this therapy at all. Have you considered an ADHD test instead?"

I wanted to say that anxiety and depression medication(s) do not normally cause a person to become suicidal. There's a note on the list of all side effects stating that IF the patient is on the medication because they ALREADY HAVE suicidal thoughts or urges, THEN these thoughts or urges can become stronger at the beginning of these medications. They usually make patient's symptoms worse for a little while until the brain gets used to these new chemicals, which is normal.

I don't want anyone out there to skip medication they need because they have not worked on me. Give them a try, if you need to.

My cause is likely due to wonky neurological wiring, and normal brain will not start to plan your demise with these medications if they are taken for anxiety or depression without suicidal thoughts.