Evi-Illustrated!

I’m at home for a few days (family home) and my mom made a cheese and potato pie, but didn’t have enough of my lacto-free cheese to make me a separate one. I told her it’s ok, i’m at home so if it causes problems later i’m fine. I’ve accidentally eaten little bits of stuff with lactose in over the last few months and i’ve been ok (i’ve been in a bit of pain, but manageable).  I’M NOT FINE. I’m dying. I can’t even substitute a little bit of cheese now without feeling like my insides are being ripped apart. I’ve learnt that I either stick with my facto-free substitutes, or I suffer the consequences, big time. This is the worst i’ve felt in a long, long time.

Ahhh I posted this to my actual blog and not my Studyblr!! To visit my studyblr please go here.

Today i’m (hoping) to finish off my assignment for Uni. The deadline was extended until the 16th, but i’m away at a wedding this weekend, so I don’t want to be swamped with work at the last minute. The assignment on the writing of Stephen Brookfield is done, I just need to proof it and keep my fingers crossed that i’ve understood what he was on about.  If for whatever reason I don’t have my Visual Stress glasses on me, I change the page i’m working on in Word to a blue/purple shade, the same as my glasses. This helps me to read and write better on my laptop. 

I’m struggling in my relationship because I think my boyfriend is suffering from a severe bout of depression. I’m pretty well trained to spot the signs of depression since I’ve struggled with it for nearly ten years now, so when I began to work out what was wrong with him I thought it’d be ok because he could get help and we could work through it together.

The problem is, he doesn’t want to get help. He said he doesn’t believe in doctors or medication because they mess with your brain and they change who you are. He’s admitted that he doesn’t know who he is anymore, he’s using distractions. He’s being taken advantage of by people he’s only known a few weeks and it’s threatening the balance in our relationship.

We sit, we talk, he cries, I hug him until he starts to feel a little bit better. I reassure him, I talk him through what’s going on in a logical way. When we are together, he’s generally ok. When we are separated (it’s a distance relationship) that’s when he begins to switch off from me, distract himself with other things and push me away. On Tuesdays he attends a D&D group. At first he wanted me to come with him, but I couldn’t because I worked Tuesdays. Now I’m available, he doesn’t want me to go to it because it’s his and he wants to keep it that way. However, he invited a friend of ours to go, and she’s been going for some months now. There is another girl there who has attached herself to him. Both jumped on him a few weeks ago when he thought we were about to break up. One told him that she’s always there for him, the other spoke to him at length about our relationship (despite not knowing me at all), offering advice and a shoulder to cry on and then asked him to be her dance partner at a dance competition next year. A bit trivial I know, but I’m not comfortable with my partner dancing the Tango with some woman who jumped on him thinking he’d be single soon.

I barely hear from him on Tuesdays when he’s at D&D, and then i barely hear from him the day after too. It’s upsetting. He’s not eating properly, often skipping breakfast and dinner, only eating lunch because he’s at work. He’s not looking after himself at all.

I don’t know what to do. He’s pushing me away sometimes but pulling others closer, and while I trust him, I don’t trust them.  When you’re having a cuddle in bed with your partner, and one of these girls starts messaging him (after midnight) wanting to talk and then getting pissy because he’s in bed with me, what should I think? He wonders why I was upset when he chose to keep texting this girl back while we were supposed to be cuddling and falling asleep together. I feel like such a jealous bitch, but these girls don’t make it easy.

A year ago I was preparing to take the first steps into the world of teaching. Well, actually I was on holiday in Greece, but I was still preparing to start my PGCE as soon as I returned. I was nervous but excited about the thought of returning to education and making progress on my lifelong ambition to be a teacher.

Fast forward a year and I’m preparing to begin my first teaching job. If I had found a job teaching within a College, I’d be feeling much more prepared I think, as I’d have a mentor to guide me, and I’d have class lists and schemes of work to work from, and I’d have a good idea as to what I was supposed to be teaching. Instead I’ve got a job working an hour away from my home at an Adult Education Centre, teaching Art to adults with Learning Disabilities one day a week, and then maybe teaching Introduction to Drawing and Painting and Watercolour 1.5 days a week if I manage to get enough people enrolled onto the course. I have no mentor, my induction day is the day before I start teaching, and as far as the LD art classes go, I have total free reign over what I teach them.

I have no idea where to start. I feel like I’ve been submerged in the deep end of a murky swimming pool with little support or direction. I have less than a week to prepare at least 4-6 weeks worth of classes, and I do not know where to start.

I should be thrilled and over the moon that I have a job teaching art so soon after completing my PGCE, especially since it’s such a hard field to break into, but I don’t. I applied for hundreds of teaching jobs and barely got past the application stage for most of them. Only one invited me for an interview – the job I’ve now got – and I somehow feel like I’ve taken it out of obligation.

I’m literally the worst at keeping up a regular habit - writing in my blog, remembering to moisturise my face every day because it’s become very dry for some reason, and exercise. 

TL;DR - So.... The main point of this post. I’ve decided that I want to take up running again. At first I didn’t think i’d be able to because of my asthma, but a bit of research has shown me that as long as I manage it correctly, warm up and down properly and i’m careful about how hard I work, it’s possible for me to run again. I’m not sure how yet, but i’ll ease myself into it. I’ll combine it with some gentle yoga so that i’m not punishing my body, but rather building my strength steadily. Does anyone have any tips or advice on how I can start running again or specifically begin running with asthma?

Today is a very special Mother's Day here in my household, because for a brief moment at the start of this year, we didn't think we'd have our mum. She has survived a heart attack, heart failure, a severe chest infection, pneumonia and kidney failure - all at the same time - so I think it's fair to say that my mum is Wonder Woman and Super Woman all rolled into one.

In the next four weeks I’m having surgery, leaving my job, flying for the first time, starting my PGCE and turning 27.