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@everything-narrative
If I get termed, find me on bsky
Butch Mechanism She/Her, Dane, 32 🪬⚠📀♻🔶

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some days i feel overwhelming grief for the fact that i never got to be a teenaged girl
i should have been an awkward tomboy slowly figuring out she's a lesbain and crushing on my best friend but instead i was crushed into nothing by feelings i couldn't even point to
a writer’s struggle
Every day I handle more money than I will ever make. Every day.
At the start of my employment, my boss showed me videos of people stealing, and we both had a chuckle about it. How silly they were! There was a camera overhead, and it’s not to watch the shoppers. See, we can’t actually stop shoplifters. They get away with it maybe nine out of ten times. But we, who are watched and tallied and witnessed? We are always caught.
At first it was hard to hold one hundred dollars bills. An amount I had never seen before. An amount that didn’t exist in my household. It’s normal now. Here is something that is not for me.
“What the hell, I’ll take another,” says the man, pondering our 200 dollar watches. What the hell. Total comes to 580 and not even a flinch in his face. I have been working for 11 hours today and made only 110 dollars. It will go to my rent. Today I work for free, it feels. When I get my check, I will have 35 dollars left for food and saving.
The six hundreds he hands me go into the cash register. For a moment, I imagine having money. Then I put it away, counting out his change.
I know for a fact we sell our products for double what they are worth. That I could be making commission. That they could hand me those 580 dollars and change my life and not even mark the difference in their checkbooks. He’s not the only sale they make today, but I am the reason they made it. He’s not the only one spending 600 dollars, but if I hadn’t spent two hours with him telling me about his life, he wouldn’t have spent any. I go home. I don’t own a watch.
I have watched and rewatched a video on how to make salmon four ways. My shopping list is always the same. Pasta. Rice. Tuna. If I can afford butter it was a good week. I dream of the world I will never walk in, where I can throw the best fish fillet in the cart with a shrug. I hold hundreds in my hand and look up at the camera. I put them under the cash drawer.
I go to work. I scrap together my savings. I eat my bowl of rice slowly. My manager takes a paid week off from work just for his birthday. He owns a yacht.
I’m not worth the cost of a watch.
i wrote this while i was working at orlando’s walt disney world parks.
i was part of their college program. i moved to the state for it. they legally owned the building i was living in and still charged me rent. i ostensibly was being charged to work for them. it was a 2 bedroom apartment and they placed 6 adult women in it in forced triples.
as many as one in ten disney employees have experienced homelessness while working for the company. despite huge efforts to unionize, strike, or otherwise demand fair treatment; disney has refused to increase employee quality of life.
disney admits publicly that a good portion of their success is because the employees (“cast members”) are dedicated, passionate, and selfless. this is never reflected in pay. even “face” characters (ie those that are princesses etc) make barely above a minimum wage.
at the time that i worked there, i made $8.50 an hour. at one point i was asked to create a human shield around a bag because a bomb dog had alerted to it. for eight fucking dollars an hour.
i now work a very cushy office job. i have bought the salmon and cooked it all four ways.
i go to the store. i am nice to the person behind the counter. she looks up at the camera while she counts out my change. there is nothing fundamentally different about her and i.
we are both worth more than the watch, anyway.
Programming with LLM assistance involves less typing but just as much if not more thinking. And you really don't realize how hard you're thinking while programming until you're not distracted by moving your fingers.
An LLM removes the joy of diving into a gritty sub problem and just twiddling some numbers around for a while and forgetting the big picture. Algorithms? Forget them. We're doing design patterns. Forever.
This stolen joy then comes with the added annoyance of having to baby the damn thing, because it has the holistic understanding of a mole. It duplicates code with abandon, and occasionally you have to write out a perfectly obvious snippet for it because it misinterprets basic statements.
I've had to dig out my design patterns book and guide this thing step by step through a refactoring pass that I could have done myself in about the same time — if not something I would have started out designing the project around!
These things are trained on prior art and Sturgeon's law applies — most code is really bad. It will write bad code if you let it. It does that even if you tell it not to.
I have spent as much time coding tooling for these things, and writing their reference material as I have actually coding the projects I want help with.
Everything has changed, welcome to the new bullshit, same as the old bullshit.
$20 a month for more mental exhaustion and less carpal tunnel syndrome... maybe it's worth it? Sometimes I still just wanna code it myself.

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one of the hardest things to learn as a depressed former Gifted Kid™ is that half-assed is better than nothing. take the 50%, 40%, even 20% job. scrubbing your face is better than not taking a shower at all. picking up your clothes is better than never cleaning. nibbling on some bread is better than starving.
DO THINGS HALFWAY. NOW YOU’RE 100% BETTER OFF THAN YOU WERE BEFORE.
One of my college professors used to say “anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.” I didn’t understand that for years because I didn’t do anything poorly, I couldn’t do anything poorly, I had to Do Everything Perfectly.
But brushing your teeth for 30 seconds is better than not brushing them at all when that 2 minutes seems exhausting. Doing ten minutes of yoga is better than 10 minutes of sitting when 30 minutes of cardio sounds impossible. Changing my clothes is good when a whole shower is impossible. Standing on the porch for a few minutes is worth it after being in the house for three straight days because I don’t have the energy to go anywhere.
Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly… because doing it poorly is better than not doing it.
someone please hit me over the head with this post every day for like the next week thanks. a mention, a reblog with text, a message, something.
You must understand that perfectionism isn’t striving for excellence, it’s a crippling fear of being flawed and therefore worth abandonment or punishment. It’s a kind of psychological avoidance. You’re avoiding fear and failure , not embracing the thing you want to do bc if it was about the thing you want to do you’d be fine with partial victory.
Male Socialization is a Lie
We live under a system of kyriarchy. The term was coined by Elisabeth Schüssler Fiorenza in her 1992 book “But She Said: Feminist Practices of Biblical Interpretaion” to describe what we today might call the intersectional, interconnected systems of domination and submission which oppress us all. These systems oppress us in some ways and privilege us in others, but under the domination of these systems we cannot truly be free to be ourselves. The transphobic notions of "male socialization" and "female socialization" are really a system of patriarchal and class domination through which our society forces us to look through the world. Kyriarchy itself is a complex system of domination that exists to uphold the status quo, and those on the bottom of the pyramid are subject to the full force of kyriarchal oppression - today, those forces are arrayed against trans and BIPOC people most strongly. The structure of this oppression reinforces itself through internalized oppression and externalized structures, such as capitalism, racism, compulsory heterosexuality and compulsory cisgenderism and cissexualism.
Now Elizabeth Schüssler Fiorenza is a religious and biblical feminist, and thus, most of her writing is about the Roman Catholic Church and interpreting the bible in a feminist lens - she believes that the original disciples and the early church actually treated women and men as equals. Her coining of the term kyriarchy was originally intended as a way to discuss how the world's current understanding of Christianity is incomplete, and that we should be interpreting the Catholic Bible with feminist theory as a liberatory text, allowing women the freedom to be equals to men. The concept of kyriarchy, however, is relevant throughout history to our present day.
Doing more research into this topic for this essay, it turns out that the concept was popularized by John Money and Anke Ernhardt in his 1976 book “Man & Woman, Boy & Girl” which immediately points to the whole concept of “gendered socialization” being wrong. John Money used, as a case study for this book, the case of David Reimer and one other child, where he reported that they had essentially successfully transitioned these two infants. David Reimer, of course, was not successfully transitioned - he realized that he was a man, transitioned back, and lived his life as a man until his death by suicide from years of trauma. John Money used this theory of “gendered socialization” to argue that intersex people should have their genitals “normalized” as infants and have them grow up as either a boy or a girl, rather than let them choose as they grew up.
Money also popularized ideas around “gendered socialization” pertaining to sexual orientation, an idea which we’ve discarded entirely, and the current definition of sex that TERFs love to parade around, the “males produce small gametes, females produce large gametes” shit.
In conclusion here, “gendered socialization” is truly bullshit, a concept which holds no meaning and which was based in a “nurture over nature,” patriarchal understanding of gender and sex.
It's wild how consistently "nonbinary" gets treated as just a spicier flavour of transmasculinity, and not a range of identities both transfeminine and transmasculine people both hold. Within trans online spaces, transfemininity is seen as almost anathema to being nonbinary.
It's like, either you're a feminine cis man who is still cis, like a femboy, or cross-dresser, or you're a binary transgender woman 'gender conformist' who has an absolutely uncomplicated relationship to her gender. There's no in-between, and any sign that a transgender woman might have a more complicated relationship to her gender is grounds to exile her to the former category of femboy or cross-dresser.
Being nonbinary is only socially permissible in transgender spaces when you're transmasculine, because transfemininity is subjected to such intense scrutiny that that anything short of swearing an oath of undying loyalty to Artemis that you will forever and exclusively be a woman is grounds to treat you as a male cross-dresser.
You can see this in a lot "androgynous" fashion styles as well, especially in what bodies get to be counted as androgynous. Typically, the bodies are white, thin, and (stereotypically) feminine, save for the absence of boobs, while the clothing is (stereotypically) masculine. The fact that this is an idealization of transmasculinity is not an accident, and it makes transfeminine nonbinary people hoping to be socially read as such extremely difficult.
The only alternative for them is the 'man in dresses' stereotype, which not only reduces them to the status of a cross-dresser, but which is constantly fetishized and repackaged as "gender fuckery" by TME people who think it's exotic. And I know some transfem nonbinary people get a lot out of this, I know a few of them, but for the vast majority of us, it's a complete misrepresentation of how we actually want to present.
These fashion and body standards are not the cause of this pattern so much as the shared effect of the pervasive transmisogyny directed against transfemininity which constructed transfemininity and nonbinary identity as anathema to begin with.
This anathema is typically employed against transfeminists as well. I am nonbinary, and yet I could not tell you the massive stream of people accusing me of being a binary trans woman who denies the existence of nonbinary people and who do not believe me when I try to explain otherwise.
When people say transfeminism is "exorsexist", what they mean is that they can't understand transfeminine people as nonbinary, that they refuse to recognize our identities, or to understand our experiences.
Either we're cross-dressers, or gender conformists. Either we're men, or anti-feminists. Transfems are denied a gender identity.
Lua would be so good if it was good.
You can build some amazing EDSLs with it, no joke. Having a data structure with both linearly ordered elements and keyed ones, is incredibly useful (think Common Lisp, or XML) and first class functions with closures, means higher order functions. Multi-returning functions are the norm rather than the exception...
But by god the warts makes it just so not worth it.

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Lua would be so good if it was good
“bits to use in everyday conversations”
I remember as a kid the nearby small town had a "computer expert" who had a full storefront and office. If someone bricked their computer or it loaded with viruses he'd factory reset it for them and try to get it working again. He'd also buy, refurbish, rest, and resell old computers. But the main thing he advertised was if people brought him a computer and a list of programs they wanted installed on it he'd get them all set up. Flat rate of like 20 bucks.
Didn't realize until I was older and like, looking back on some of the tech stuff my mom needed help with and knew more about how software is priced that he was pirating it. Guy had a whole business set up where people who didn't know how computers worked would pay him 20 bucks to install Microsoft Office on their laptop because it was cheaper than buying it in the store and they didn't want to be bothered with figuring out how to install programs even if they could afford them normally. Like that guy was practically printing money well into the early 2000s. Very good hustle. Only small business owner I respect.
cave johnson here. due to an incident in the estradiol experiments department, the boys in said department are now girls. silver lining though, the girls in the estradiol experiments department have made a new breakthrough in the fight against male pattern baldness.
"I love you unalive girl" - franz werfel apparently
yeah well how do you know
the tragic conclusion.......

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people have this tendency to believe that fandom discourse exists because people in fandoms are Stupid Nerdy Losers, but in fact fandom discourse exists because anytime you get a group of more than 100 people together, they will start creating interpersonal bullshit. fandom is not special in this regard
There is sports discourse. There is yarn discourse. There is food discourse. There is academic discourse (dear sweet god is there academic discourse). If there are people out there collecting brass buttons specifically from 1921, they are going to have discourse about which buttons are trash and whether Person A cheated person B. To be human is to engage in pointless wankery sometimes.
women are like diamonds: synthetically-produced women are not meaningfully different from naturally-formed women, and anyone trying to tell you otherwise is probably trying to justify keeping their women mines open