watch the new star dance upon the night sky

im swimming at the lake and accidentally kicked a fish. this has never happened in my many years of swimming. sorry man

there's two people fishing at the swim beach for some reason, as if that could possibly be good fishing. go try somewhere else guys, i kicked the only one nearby

FOOD HUBRIS BY COUNTRY america: believes their shitty local burger chain is a once-in-a-lifetime culinary experience because their mayo includes onion paste canada: if your poutine tastes better than the styrofoam plate it comes on you will discover the cold rage that lies under the canadian's polite exterior united kingdom: despite thriving and unique fusion cuisines spreading from the UK to the rest of the world in recent decades, when asked to think of 'british food' the average UK citizen will start a fight over whether cold beans with a modest side of white bread is haute cuisine france: McDo Ortolan Bunting italy: extremely mad about american versions of italian food. blissfully ignorant of what happens in brazil brazil: if the scientific genius applied to making cronenbergian pizzas were applied to anything else, brazilians would all be commuting to jobs on the moon. They have pizza that can feel pain russia: obviously mayonnaise is the perfect topping for all foodstuffs, this is solved. The question is what to put on top of mayonnaise, and it might never be answered germany: less a joke than a fact: the single most produced numbered Volkswagen part is a standardized currywurst

Y'know I was gonna make a comment about German "Mexican" food, but that Volkswagen thing genuinely takes the cake. What the fuck.

clowngirl getting an orchiectomy and the surgeon just keeps removing ball after ball after ball after ball after

clown nurse standing by solemnly adding each successive ball to the ones she's already juggling

Genuinely sat there teetering on the edge of a panic attack watching Keir Starmer talk about how banning kids from social media will "give them their childhoods back" because I can't stop thinking about what it was like to be a lonely scared kid who can barely leave the house but still find friends who are just as weird as you and see youtube videos where people talk about being gay and web series where girls kiss each other and love each other and gradually start feeling like that is less of a shameful thing to want and I do not think this turd of a man has ever had to think about that kind of shit in his life

The important thing to remember is that Starmer is bold-facedly laying. He's not "giving children their childhoods back", as he said. It's more like he's giving adult parents their ideas of what their children's childhoods should be back.

god I'm such a slut for Chinese eggplant in garlic sauce *decides it’s inaccurate to refer to myself as a slut in light of my minimal sexual activity* if The Enemy discovered my ardor for Chinese eggplant in garlic sauce, they would gain a significant strategic advantage

for a long time now, one of my go-to phrases is "shake it like a can of beans." im not really sure where this came from, but i've been saying it for three years or so. it never really occurred to me that this was unusual until yesterday when i was bouncing a baby in a rocker a little too violently (he was having a great time, it just wasnt exactly sending him to sleep) and i went "sorry, im shaking him like a can of beans over here" and both my coworkers reacted like i had said something insane

one of the babies was getting picked up and started screaming as soon as her dad pulled her from her crib (where she'd been sleeping) and i instinctively said "that's what we in the industry call: baby moding" and he started laughing so hard he almost dropped her