animus

Rock Rattlesnake (Crotalus lepidus), family Viperidae, WE TX, USA

Venomous.

I didn't realize how much time I spent wondering when the hell my period was going to show up, and if it wasn't going to show up and I was going to have to worry about that again when occasionally, I was capable of being regular and not having that be an issue, until suddenly I was on T and not having a period was considered a good thing and proof that it was working, and every doctor wanted my periods to be stopped and asked if they were, instead of fretting about how it had been too long since I had one.

I didn't realize that literally every time I put on a dress, I noticed that I didn't have as pronounced of a waistline as perisex cis women are "supposed" to have until I went on T and watched that waist melt away completely and that was a good thing that meant I was responding well to HRT.

I didn't realize that loads of the time when I was singing with my choir and struggling to hit a higher note, I thought about how probably, I was an alto because of my higher testosterone levels, until I started singing bass instead.

I didn't think about just how often my mother commented on my facial hair and how I should get it waxed, or how much I was aware that me choosing to leave it and not do anything about it was considered an unusual, GNC choice, until I was on T and everyone was congratulatory and excited when they saw that I had facial hair. Now that was a good thing that people celebrated.

And so on and so forth.

I don't want anyone's takeaway from this to be "going on HRT cures being intersex" because like, a) every variation is different, some of them are still going to have effects on cross-sex HRT (for lack of a better term), and some mean that it wouldn't even work at all, b) I have not stopped being intersex either. Like, it's not an issue or thing I have to think about currently, but I would like to have children some day, and PMOS is going to be a huge issue then and make that a lot harder.

Rather my point is that if you're a person with PMOS, and you feel like you aren't really intersex, or aren't intersex enough, or sure, you're intersex, but like, you're the bottom tier of the community, and all those people with real variations are above you. You only think that because you're used to PMOS. The ways that it impacts your life ever single day have become invisible to you. You don't notice them because that's always been your life. But if one day, they went away? You would absolutely notice. There would be a massive, gaping hole where your PMOS was. You would suddenly realize that actually, it was taking up so much space in your brain, and was a constant thing in the back of your mind that perisex people don't have to think about. And this also goes for every other intersex variation. I imagine loads of intersex people deal with thinking "yeah, sure, it's a problem for other people, but I don't really have it that bad." Yes, you do. You're just used to it.

Do you or a mutual love this painting? Do you love it so much you want it in your house? Auction live to sell this angry wolfer!

WHY I (DON'T) PLAY DISCO ELYSIUM: AN EXERCISE IN PERFECTIONISM

I honestly really do hope Qifrey ends up both happy and permanently blind. To me, the silverwood mirrors a lot what was happening with the Romonons—both with comfort being the thing they cannot have in their current forms, and the reason behind that: eugenics. The silverwood implants as they are strike me as yet another form of eugenics. I hope Custas, Qifrey, Ininia, all of them wind up permanently disabled, and imperfectly, beautifully, happy.

It’s also so scary beautiful and painful that it was Olly’s invention, the snugstone, that comforted the Romonons. That (one of many) expressions of Olly’s love and care could doom their recipient. Qifrey and Olruggio mirror the two legends—the star that fell in love with a silverwood (guy who’s turning into a silverwood literally calls the other the “sky’s kindest, most radiant star”,,,,,, mmmkay) and importantly, gifted said silverwood magic such that they wouldn’t have to suffer anymore 👀, and the silverwood that fell in love with a witch—my current theory is that either Coco will tell Olruggio outright, or Olruggio will otherwise discover (Tower of Tomes?? Accidental snooping??? Hopefully not with a tree in the backyard ugh) the letter Qifrey was writing him throughout the backstory chapters/narration—and likely have to hide it from Qifrey—and he’ll be a big part of how they detree everyone??? And Qifrey might try some self-sacrificial bs that HOPEFULLY Coco and the other apprentices and Olly can snap him out of,,,,,, break that cycle,,,,,,,, given the silverwood maiden from the first story gives magic to the most vulnerable creatures (how Qifrey already is to his Qiflings, who are children, vulnerable) and the silverwood that falls in love with a witch gives them their blood,,,,,,,,,,,