I Kinda Look Like a Cuuuuuunnnnnnnnnt

everyone seems to fall into their categorical role, except for AJ. paradoxically, the epicenter of the drama desperately wants for his daughters to know a life free from the violence of the Mob - setting the tone for all seven seasons as we watch the rise and fall, cause and effect of the internal grinding of Tony's cognitive dissonance gears. so, disinvited, AJ doesn’t follow in Tony's footprints. Tony is known to have an antiquated notion of masculinity and what it entails; and this premise is set for us in the first episode. Tony finds himself weak for seeking therapy, asks "What ever happened to the Gary Coopers? The strong, silent type?" Tony's implicit idea and expectation of manhood is that 'to be a man is to never feel. If you are a man, and you feel, you must shove it deep within the darkest recesses of yourself.' This is coupled with the imagery that causes this anxiety that spurs Tony to start seeing Dr. Melfi -- because there is this understanding that he cannot totally control his family. For so long as he may live in every aspect, et al; but also that if he for whatever reason, were unable to protect them or shield them from the violence that comes from the hegemony of the Patriarchal power structure of the mafia that he would feel a sense of guilt or culpability because… He is directly responsible for the implication of his Family in organized crime because of his patriarchal role in The Family. but this isn't about Tony. Tony tries to shield AJ from the power structure of violence within the mafia by not welcoming her into it - but because she does not have the lived experience of the violence associated with the exclusive boys’ club, he sees her as lesser, because he believes that this violence is what “makes” you in your gender, a "made man". This is why he later kills Jackie Jr., because the daughter of the Capo can't be in love with and deflowered by the son of the rival faction because it is an immediate threat to Tony and the perception of his family. Jackie Jr was hitting all of the expected social milestones for a boy his age. Why not AJ? Why is AJ not following in Tony's footsteps? It takes the heat off of Tony and AJ to kill Jackie Jr., creating grief of the warring family's son in lieu of putting their own daughter under an undue magnifying glass. Tony believes in a sense of purity for his children and women, as indicated by the machoistic Madonna-whore complex he has displayed with his Goomars, namely Gloria Trillo. When AJ is told that she will be confirmed to the Catholic church, she rebels. She steals Carmela's car and damages it. She says that "life is absurd and I don't want to be confirmed because God is dead." At her confirmation, she is caught smoking weed in the garage. "I'm supposed to get a vasectomy when This is my male heir?" In the sub-plot, Christopher decides to give himself over entirely to the mob, forgoing the pipe-dream of screenplay writing, because "I must be loyle to my Capo.", reaffirming that Tony does not see AJ as his son in any capacity, and Christopher serves as a surrogate son to Tony, having been implicated at birth (evidenced in Many Saints of Newark). again, though, this isn't about Tony. It becomes clear that Tony's defensiveness of AJ is more than just that of a dad and his 'failson', there's something deeper. The colors around her seem to twist and turn blue and gray as the seasons go on, as she continues, listless, unable to satisfy or appease anyone in her family. Her hair grows longer, her skin grows more pallid.

In 6.19 (named after the Yeats' poem, The Second Coming) Meadow and a depressed, acutely suicidal AJ are in her room. Meadow reaffirms to AJ that "You're their son. do you have any idea what that means?" there is a look of horror struck across AJ's face, as if someone had just said something repugnant, unbelievable. Something horrifying. Meadow tells her that it means "you'll always be more important."

(and what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?).

In the next scene, AJ attempts suicide, and it’s not something quick or instantaneous. She puts a clear plastic bag over her head and a rubber band around her neck to seal it off. She looks Laura Palmer-esque this way, a girl dead upon first introduction. Her suicide method is slow, torturous. It’s at home with a plastic bag over her head, a rubber band around her neck, and a rope tied to one shin, the other end tied to a singular cinder block -- a slow suffocation of the self within the boundary lines of home. A drowning in emotion, expectations, an expected self that is not achieved. She does it in autumn - when no one is home, in the tarped-off pool, where no one would think to look. Her suicide attempt is a silent screaming, a begging to be believed. Is it cold in the water? The suicide is a failure, too. The rope is too long, and the single cinder block cannot weigh her down. She cannot drown nor save herself. She clings to the edge of the diving board, having plunged in beyond depths previously thought tenable, and struggles. She screams, “please, somebody, help me; help, my arms, they’re frozen.” Tony is angry, shocked, incredulous. Her head dips below water, she might really die. Tony runs, he saves her, jumping into the pool in a full suit and tie; at the sake of masculinity and an image, plunging in and clutching the diving board. She thrashes, whimpering for help. Tony snaps, sweetbitter, and says, “Alright, I got you, stop fighting!” He guides her to the ledge, plunges under, and drags the cinder block out. He tells her to hold it, but she’s sobbing, inconsolable. She hoists herself over the edge, and Tony uses the back hem of her pants to help drag her body out of the water. AJ wails in a fetal position on the ground along the side of the pool. Tony screams at her, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?” He clutches at her jacket, shakes her around. He wipes her forehead clean. "You alright?” Her hysteria becomes briefly silent, open mouth contorted in horror, a pause before inhaling again, hyperventilating mournfully. Tony drags AJ into his lap, cradling her. “Come on, baby. You're alright, baby." Tony pets her head as she openly weeps across his lap. Tony begins to cry, too. Tony and Carmela blame each other for her suicide attempt.

AJ is admitted to a psych ward, a shell of the girl she is, an empty husk of the man she is expected to be. Her family frets and sobs over her in her gown in a wheelchair, reminding her, "I love you." "It's not your fault, you warned us."

They wheel her away, as Carmela sobs,