Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
This is going to be a more long-form essay, with spoilers from TADC episode 9, as well as personal anecdotes.
Harm, toxicity, forgiveness, and Jax: my thoughts on the TADC finale and reflecting on my past.
In grade school, I had this friend, whom we shall call N for this post. We were good friends until middle school, when they started a vicious cycle. Every week, they would get angry at me for something minor, like an off-color comment or calling them out on something rude they said. They’d refuse to explain what I actually did and would ignore me, interlaced with comments about how I was a terrible friend. By the end of the week, after I’d groveled enough, we would make up and be besties again. They would also routinely steal my stuff, make me chase after them, and use our other friends to steal more of my things. When I told them to stop because I was out of breath and hurting, I’d be mocked. This went on for approximately two years. While I wasn’t a perfect human being at the time, I still treated this person with kindness and respect, even inviting them to family events and small vacations. Though it sounds silly now as an adult, it still hurt. It was an extremely toxic cycle that left me doubting my own opinion, constantly self- flagellating and apologizing for things I didn't do, and coming out with incredibly low self-esteem.
Recently, I stumbled upon N's social media. They’ve come out as binary trans. I won't specify which way, but they had a brand-new name, pronouns, and hairstyle in their icon. I blocked them so they wouldn't find me, but I realized that perhaps they were hurting so badly due to, among other reasons, struggling with dysphoria and gender feelings.
So, what does this have to do with The Amazing Digital Circus?
Jax, after three years and countless theories, has been confirmed to be transfemme/a trans woman. If you have any media literacy, it's all but outright stated. Gooseworks should not have to make Jax hold up a bright neon sign that says "I AM A TRANS WOMAN" for you to get it. Alright? Cool. That's out of the way. For the rest of this essay, she/her pronouns will be used to refer to Jax.
Jax is a well-written, complicated figure, especially as the series goes on and we learn more about her, her relationships with the other circus members (current and abstracted), and finally, her mother and father. Her coping mechanisms are unhealthy, harming herself and the others around her. I have no issue exploring that. The problem is that Ragatha, Gangle, and Zooble are constantly sidelined, with their feelings surrounding Jax and her actions barely explored at all. We get one line from Gangle and Zooble each at the end about not knowing how to feel about the situation. And this is...frustrating. We also hear Pomni say, "everyone here did bad things," but to compare verbal slights with constant and continued harassment and bullying feels extreme.
Gooseworx got a lot of heat for saying that Jax and Pomni are the show’s main characters, which would be fine in a vacuum, but I’d argue that most people assumed TADC would be an ensemble show, with Pomni being the emotional core. Everyone would get a relatively similar amount of screen time, with the focus on escaping the circus and the mysteries of how it came to be in the latter half. And while this is Goosework’s project and she has the final say, it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I understand what Goose was going for. I understand Jax as a cautionary tale, but he is the character we know about the most. None of the other humans in the circus get that much information about what happened before the circus until the literal end of episode 9.
Why is it that the victims of abuse don't get the same amount of attention as abusers? Why the plethora of long, winding analyses of people who hurt others, and not those they hurt? Why is the abuse that perpetrators experience always taken more seriously not only among fan culture, but also in the very media that supposedly shows how terrible they are? Ragatha, Zooble, and Gangle don't get nearly enough time to sit with their complicated feelings surrounding Jax's abstraction and her treatment of them. Sure, TADC is a very short series that can be finished in a day, but come on. I understand that Goose has outright stated that Jax is inspired by her own life, even to the point of possibly being a self-insert. While I don't have a problem with that, the other side of the argument is: you are writing a story, not a therapeutic diary entry. There are characters other than Jax that exist. Goose isn't the first author with whom I've pointed out this problem, and they won't be the last.
As being LGBTQ+ has become safer in recent years, so has the conversation relating to the perpetuation of harm due to being LGBTQ+. Stories of husbands and wives realizing they're gay and/or trans and divorcing their spouse to live their new lives, while their partners are left to pick up the pieces, come to mind immediately. Of course, it's a celebration when someone realizes who they truly are and embraces themselves--but what happens to those left in their wake? Is there room for both experiences? I would argue yes. Societal oppression doesn't automatically negate the real, tangible harm people cause, but LGBTQ+ folks are under tremendous strain from bigotry and cisheteropatriarchy.
The kicker, specifically for the TADC characters and me, is that we're also LGBTQ+! I'm a GNC lesbian, Zooble is nonbinary, Gangle is sapphic, and Ragatha is highly suspected to be sapphic as well. We experience oppression in society (at least for me, as the others are fictional characters). None of the aforementioned characters act that callously, except in retaliation for Jax's behavior. While I haven't exactly been the model of good behavior myself, none of my bad behavior stems from being closeted or not figuring out my lesbianism. So the idea of Jax/N being excused for their actions because they're oppressed in society holds no weight. There are plenty of people out there who face oppression and aren't intentionally cruel.
I’ve spent over a decade trying to sort out my feelings between myself and N. Unlike the cast of The Amazing Digital Circus, we were children when all of this transpired. Their actions have continued to affect me to this day and, to some degree, will affect me for the rest of my life. I never got an apology or any indication that they have any regrets. We graduated high school and haven't spoken to each other since. Now that I’m out of public school, attended several rounds of therapy, and developed countless healthy friendships, I feel like I can approach the past with less anger and more nuance. N went through trauma I couldn’t fully grasp—things that I believe no child should ever go through. I wish someone with more authority and power could’ve helped them cope or escape the situation. But does that give them a free pass to be cruel during one of my most formative years?
I held onto a lot of anger towards N. To this day, I still lack confidence and conviction in myself. I constantly doubt my actions and words and apologize even when something isn’t totally my fault. Who would I have become if our paths hadn't crossed? Where would I have been? People constantly preach that forgiveness is the ultimate goal, and everyone must forgive those who wronged them because it’s the only way it’ll set you free, but I find that platitude empty. My anger says: You did this to me and never experienced any kind of consequence. You’re able to go out in the world and not give a shit about me. You never had to face me and own up to your shitty behavior. Who cares if it's ancient history? It still happened. I still exist. Look at me. Notice me. Face me.
While writing this, I talked with one of my most important brainstorming partners, critics, and my girlfriend: @lesbianholster (who also edited this. Massive shout out). We spent time ruminating over our pasts, the hurt done to us, and what we would do if those who harmed us suddenly appeared and professed their apologies. They brought up an interesting question: Is there a way to remember the hurt done to you without actively harboring resentment? I don’t have an answer to that question. Maybe someone else smarter than me will.
TADC succeeds as a show that demonstrates meaning in a stagnant life, as well as the dangers of repressing yourself to the point of extreme isolation. But it failed in shining a light on its main victims and their real, messy feelings about Jax and her abstraction. There’s room at the table for both perspectives. And no, the idea that an abuser continuing the cycle of abuse is “more complex” doesn’t hold water anymore. People who are victims--especially their victims-- deserve to voice their perspective as well. So what if it makes the audience uncomfortable? Abuse is uncomfortable. Not to mention the message of “no identity excludes you from hurting someone” in a show aimed at an lgbtq+ older teen/young adult audience is so valuable in this day and age. A space to validate someone’s identity while holding them accountable for the harm and keeping their victims safe will make the community a healthier place. And I think if The Amazing Digital Circus leaned into that more, I would have been happier with the finale.
This is going to be a more long-form essay/dump of thoughts, with spoilers from TADC episode 9, as well as personal anecdotes.
Queer Harm, Forgiveness, and Jax: My Thoughts on the TADC Finale and Reflecting on My Past.
In grade school, I had this friend, whom we shall call N for this post. We were good friends until middle school, when they started a vicious cycle. Every week, they would get angry at me for something minor, like an off-color comment or calling them out on something rude they said. They’d refuse to explain what I actually did and would ignore me, interlaced with comments about how I was a terrible friend. By the end of the week, after I’d groveled enough, we would make up and be besties again. They would also routinely steal my stuff, make me chase after them, and use our other friends to steal more of my things. When I told them to stop because I was out of breath and hurting, I’d be mocked. This went on for approximately two years. While I wasn’t a perfect human being at the time, I still treated this person with kindness and respect, even inviting them to family events and small vacations. Though it sounds silly now as an adult, it still hurt. It was an extremely toxic cycle that left me doubting my own opinion, constantly self- flagellating and apologizing for things I didn't do, and coming out with incredibly low self-esteem.
Recently, I stumbled upon N's social media. They’ve come out as binary trans. I won't specify which way, but they had a brand-new name, pronouns, and hairstyle in their icon. I blocked them so they wouldn't find me, but I realized that perhaps they were hurting so badly due to, among other reasons, struggling with dysphoria and gender feelings.
So, what does this have to do with The Amazing Digital Circus?
Jax, after three years and countless theories, has been confirmed to be transfemme/a trans woman. If you have any media literacy, it's all but outright stated. Gooseworks should not have to make Jax hold up a bright neon sign that says "I AM A TRANS WOMAN" for you to get it. Alright? Cool. That's out of the way. For the rest of this essay, she/her pronouns will be used to refer to Jax.
Jax is a well-written, complicated figure, especially as the series goes on and we learn more about her, her relationships with the other circus members (current and abstracted), and finally, her mother and father. Her coping mechanisms are unhealthy, harming herself and the others around her. I have no issue exploring that. The problem is that Ragatha, Gangle, and Zooble are constantly sidelined, with their feelings surrounding Jax and her actions barely explored at all. We get one line from Gangle and Zooble each at the end about not knowing how to feel about the situation. And this is...frustrating. We also hear Pomni say, "everyone here did bad things," but to compare verbal slights with constant and continued harassment and bullying feels extreme.
Gooseworx got a lot of heat for saying that Jax and Pomni are the show’s main characters, which would be fine in a vacuum, but I’d argue that most people assumed TADC would be an ensemble show, with Pomni being the emotional core. Everyone would get a relatively similar amount of screen time, with the focus on escaping the circus and the mysteries of how it came to be in the latter half. And while this is Goosework’s project and she has the final say, it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I understand what Goose was going for. I understand Jax as a cautionary tale, but he is the character we know about the most. None of the other humans in the circus get that much information about what happened before the circus until the literal end of episode 9.
Why is it that the victims of abuse don't get the same amount of attention as abusers? Why the plethora of long, winding analyses of people who hurt others, and not those they hurt? Why is the abuse that perpetrators experience always taken more seriously not only among fan culture, but also in the very media that supposedly shows how terrible they are? Ragatha, Zooble, and Gangle don't get nearly enough time to sit with their complicated feelings surrounding Jax's abstraction and her treatment of them. Sure, TADC is a very short series that can be finished in a day, but come on. I understand that Goose has outright stated that Jax is inspired by her own life, even to the point of possibly being a self-insert. While I don't have a problem with that, the other side of the argument is: you are writing a story, not a therapeutic diary entry. There are characters other than Jax that exist. Goose isn't the first author with whom I've pointed out this problem, and they won't be the last.
As being LGBTQ+ has become safer in recent years, so has the conversation relating to the perpetuation of harm due to being LGBTQ+. Stories of husbands and wives realizing they're gay and/or trans and divorcing their spouse to live their new lives, while their partners are left to pick up the pieces, come to mind immediately. Of course, it's a celebration when someone realizes who they truly are and embraces themselves--but what happens to those left in their wake? Is there room for both experiences? I would argue yes. Societal oppression doesn't automatically negate the real, tangible harm people cause, but LGBTQ+ folks are under tremendous strain from bigotry and cisheteropatriarchy.
The kicker, specifically for the TADC characters and me, is that we're also LGBTQ+! I'm a GNC lesbian, Zooble is nonbinary, Gangle is sapphic, and Ragatha is highly suspected to be sapphic as well. We experience oppression in society (at least for me, as the others are fictional characters). None of the aforementioned characters act that callously, except in retaliation for Jax's behavior. While I haven't exactly been the model of good behavior myself, none of my bad behavior stems from being closeted or not figuring out my lesbianism. So the idea of Jax/N being excused for their actions because they're oppressed in society holds no weight. There are plenty of people out there who face oppression and aren't intentionally cruel.
I’ve spent over a decade trying to sort out my feelings between myself and N. Unlike the cast of The Amazing Digital Circus, we were children when all of this transpired. Their actions have continued to affect me to this day and, to some degree, will affect me for the rest of my life. I never got an apology or any indication that they have any regrets. We graduated high school and haven't spoken to each other since. Now that I’m out of public school, attended several rounds of therapy, and developed countless healthy friendships, I feel like I can approach the past with less anger and more nuance. N went through trauma I couldn’t fully grasp—things that I believe no child should ever go through. I wish someone with more authority and power could’ve helped them cope or escape the situation. But does that give them a free pass to be cruel during one of my most formative years?
I held onto a lot of anger towards N. To this day, I still lack confidence and conviction in myself. I constantly doubt my actions and words and apologize even when something isn’t totally my fault. Who would I have become if our paths hadn't crossed? Where would I have been? People constantly preach that forgiveness is the ultimate goal, and everyone must forgive those who wronged them because it’s the only way it’ll set you free, but I find that platitude empty. My anger says: You did this to me and never experienced any kind of consequence. You’re able to go out in the world and not give a shit about me. You never had to face me and own up to your shitty behavior. Who cares if it's ancient history? It still happened. I still exist. Look at me. Notice me. Face me.
While writing this, I talked with one of my most important brainstorming partners, critics, and my girlfriend: @lesbianholster. We spent time ruminating over our pasts, the hurt done to us, and what we would do if those who harmed us suddenly appeared and professed their apologies. They brought up an interesting question: Is there a way to remember the hurt done to you without actively harboring resentment? I don’t have an answer to that question. Maybe someone else smarter than me will.
TADC succeeds as a show that demonstrates meaning in a stagnant life, as well as the dangers of repressing yourself to the point of extreme isolation. But it failed in shining a light on its main victims and their real, messy feelings about Jax and her abstraction. There’s room at the table for both perspectives. And no, the idea that an abuser continuing the cycle of abuse is “more complex” doesn’t hold water anymore. People who are victims--especially their victims-- deserve to voice their perspective as well. So what if it makes the audience uncomfortable? Abuse is uncomfortable. Not to mention the message of “no identity excludes you from hurting someone” in a show aimed at an lgbtq+ older teen/young adult audience is so valuable in this day and age. A space to validate someone’s identity while holding them accountable for the harm and keeping their victims safe will make the community a healthier place. And I think if The Amazing Digital Circus leaned into that more, I would have been happier with the finale.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
Oh also! Both for pride and because I want to post more of my original stuff here, here's a zine I made for my recent screenprinting class! :p
It's called Masculine Women and it's about being masculine and a woman!
Fun fact, also, when you unfold the real thing, there's a big poster on the back! It looks like this:
If you want to be married, what do you want to do with your last name?
I'm married - I have my partner's last name
I'm married - my partner has my last name
I'm married - I have a hypenated/combined last name
I'm married - I didn't change my last name
I want to be married - I'll probably have my partner's last name
I want to be married - my partner'll probably take my last name
I want to be married - I'll probably have a hypenated/combined last name
I want to be married - I probably won't change my last name
I don't want to get married
My marriage and or last name situation is more complicated
Voting ended onJun 14
No judgement for anyone's choice! I'm just curious what folks think/have done in these situations. If you've been married multiple times, answer for your most recent/current one, or what you would do if you got married again.
Tag Game: tag ten people you'd like to get to know
tagged by @milkywayes omg thank uuuuuuuuuu
Last Song: The Old Religion by Florence + the Machine. it's so painfully Touko-coded
Currently Watching: the last thing I watched was S2 of Daredevil: Born Again..... OH WAIT NO. I'm currently rewatching old Winnie the Pooh stuff while I still have Disney+!
Current Obsession: been on a bg3 kick w Narchril, also finally got past FUCKING Freedom's Progress on my Insanity run (Katya Shepard) (also my first shakarian run! looking forward to that). as normal, obsessed with my OCs
Currently Reading: my AGOT reading stalled and I've been chewing thru Vampire: The Masquerade V5 sourcebook PDFs.... does that count..... OH and I'm back reading stuff for Lady Shiva/general comic reading
Currently Working On: my supremely self-indulgent maeko AU (OC x OC ship w my OC and my gfs OC) and also one of my interactive fiction projects!
Currently Wearing: long black pants, singlet underneath grey shirt and one of those long hoodie thingies bc it's fucking cold. mine has teddies on it :3
Last Internet Search: dndwikidot.com bc I needed to look up a paladin subclass for a friend of mine
Favourite Flower: jacarandas! I also like banksias. native australian flowers are soooo pretty
Last Song: Copper (Golden Parody) by Big Wave Dave
Currently Watching: witch hat atelier season 1!
Current obsession: i'm in the middle of obsessions as I just got off a cookie run kingdom kick but right now I'm all about video game history.
Currently Reading: just finished All the Sinners Bleed by S.A Cosby, and next up is Dragon Magick by Mia Ellas
Currently working on: multiple things! Madrin thing is a comedy road trip movie about two best friends taking a cross country trip to a video game convention which requires me to make a 30+ year long franchise, but my shorter project is a non fiction piece about dating after being chronically single.
Currently wearing: girlfriend's college t shirt and knee length workout shorts. I miss my wife :(((
Last internet search: dragon quest heroes 2. Because why tf is the ps5 game that is almost 10 years old still 60$.
Favorite flower: lily of the valley. They are so cute and I love them so much.
TAGGING: @library-seraph @buglesbian @lesbianholster @lesbian-ashe @bumblingbee1 @celestialrunes @mysticetes @honeylemony @ anyone else i follow who wants to try it
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I don't inherently have a problem with funko pops because they're actually a really good way to make small cute figures of cartoon characters/animals. They simplify the design but with a uniformity that signals what brand it's from.
Like you absolutely know who these characters are because their defining features are able to fit on the model. Since their original forms are being drawn/cartoons the exaggerated bobblehead features translate well.
Then we get to the human ones
They all just look like random ass people. Unless you really know the media in which they're from you're going to know. It doesn't work as well.
I don't inherently have a problem with funko pops because they're actually a really good way to make small cute figures of cartoon characters/animals. They simplify the design but with a uniformity that signals what brand it's from.
Like you absolutely know who these characters are because their defining features are able to fit on the model. Since their original forms are being drawn/cartoons the exaggerated bobblehead features translate well.
Then we get to the human ones
They all just look like random ass people. Unless you really know the media in which they're from you're going to know. It doesn't work as well.
vampires are so full of shit. "oh the human race is beneath us, you're just livestock to us" I don't think you know what livestock is. do you feed us? care for us? protect us from predators? no. you just slink around dark alleys and ambush people. that's not what a higher being does. that's a bottom feeder. a parasite. karate punches your head off
i was talking about this on my server earlier but i really think "cozy" is one of the worst genre labels out there in the gaming space. like people dunk on the terms "metroidvania" and "first person shooter" a lot for being uncreative or limiting but at least those are like... falsifiable descriptors. you can look at a game and go "yeah this game's mechanics and core gameplay loop generally operate like metroid/castlevania" or "yeah this game primarily uses a first person camera paired with some sort of projectile weapon" so i don't think they're completely useless. but "cozy" is just nonsense. fully subjective. i see a lot of games popularly labeled as "cozy" that share almost zero mechanical features between them and don't even always match in tone or aesthetic. hearing a game described as "cozy" doesn't tell you anything about what to expect as a player beyond maybe giving you a sort of forewarning about the fanbase and their discomfort tolerance. "cozy" is not a quantifiable metric. like imagine if someone offered to buy you takeout and asked you what kind of food you'd like and you told them fully unironically, and with no further elaboration, "i want to get yummy food." that's what hearing "cozy games" sounds like to me
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I think the argument that pisses me off the most is "we have bigger things to worry about." Ok? I can worry about more than one thing at once. I can both be upset at the government AND at misogynistic queer men.
There are some times where that argument is valid but 90% of the time its used to deflect real concerns from marginalized folk
romaincrisis
titsay
gummygunk
annaxmalina
stormborns
izzy806
