veni, vidi, amavi

i love the phrase "cruel and unusual." not only is what you're doing mean but it's also quite frankly fucking bizarre

what a beautiful day to not be in high school

This is the like those “remember to be grateful you don’t have a sore throat right now” posts. It IS a beautiful day to not be in high school! Thank you!

Praying that $1500 randomly comes to you when you need it the most this year.

And in these next 50 years you will eat so many delicious meals, laugh so many times with so many people you love, shout and scream and sing and cry and smile so hard your face hurts. And you will see such beautiful sunsets and feel fresh cold air on your face and feel warm and safe wrapped up in your favourite winter coat.

I wrap this blessing around you like a shroud, so that no ill can find you, and every warmth is held close

scientists are experimenting on cross-breeding a crab and a cheetah; things could go sideways real fast

feels like a real step back that with all the sexual freedom available to us we moved to Hookup Culture instead of Having Sex With Friends Culture

Kiss the homies. Hold the homies. Make love to the homies. Then play smash.

*nods sagely* smash bros and then Smash Bros

that fish is fucking blind now

No, it has eclipse glasses.

worst part about changing the batteries in a wiimote is putting her fuckass panties back on i gotta strongarm that greasy ass 2006 rubber casing like a wwe wrestler yellin HEAVE HO out loud to nobody

@controllerpervert

controller who now

woe! texted a casual acquaintance "I've been considering getting into knotting"

Why?

KNITTING TYPO

thank you faithful henchpeople of tumblr. you do my bidding well...

one cool thing about having an autistic dad whose special interest is underwater spearfishing is that when he catches fish he'll just call up a nearby chinese restaurant like "hi. i caught a fish. can you cook it and i'll bring my family by?" and they're like "yeah sure come on over white boy" and the fish is delicious.

it's worth adding that my mom is chinese and she always gets embarrassed by this. like she doesn't want to come to the restaurant with us. she doesn't want to be seen with the white man she caught plus the fish that her white man caught. everyone who works at the restaurant thinks my dad is awesome and compliments him + her for choosing him and we all find this very fun except for her.

PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT