Diana's POV

Sometime within the last year or two I had my sister and her boyfriend over to my house.  At that point, I was still trying to have a pretty open mind about him despite every single encounter before.  There was some light-hearted conversation happening and all the sudden things took a turn.  I’m not sure still how it got brought up, but I mentioned something about guarding my heart.  I’m sure there was curiosity as to why I chose not to have multiple tvs, Netflix, internet on my phone, or maybe even why I chose to have blocks on what could be searched on the internet.  I may not remember the exact conversation, but I distinctly remember his response: “What?  Are you afraid of having your mind opened?” Whoa!  It was like I was hearing the snake in the garden whispering from the tree (Genesis 3).  I think I even looked at him shocked before pulling myself together to saying something to the effect of it not being fear-driven; I just am more concerned about my relationship with God and I don’t want the temptation to be pulled away from Him there.  

He scoffed and I turned to my sister and changed the subject.   That moment has stuck with me--obviously--and has been a booster as far as me being proud of my boundaries and implementing even more.  I want to protect my heart, my eyes, my ears.  In grade school we sang a song that said,  “input, output, that is what it’s all about.”  And it’s true.  What we put in, shows by what comes out.  In Proverbs 4:23 it says, “Above all else guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” But I’ve come to realize it isn’t just protecting my eyes from things like sex scenes in movies, inappropriate websites, or crude comedy.  It’s also protecting myself from being too preoccupied to spend time with God; this is a huge battle that a lot of us moms struggle with.  And not stopping there... it’s also about protecting my heart from the attacks of the devil. I wrote the other day about “Emmy Lou” who feels attacked before she gets ready to worship.  The devil is cunning and brings up her past hoping to stop her dead in her tracks from praising the one who forgives; He who convicts, but doesn’t sit there and condemn you over and over and over.  Like her, I can feel the whispers of satan:  “You’re never going to change.”  “You’ll always fail even when you try your best.”  “Your kids are going to grow up resenting you for being a crappy mom.” “You’ll never be good enough.”  “You can lose His love just like you’ve lost your husband’s.”  “You’re replaceable....look at every relationship you’ve ever had; it’s just a matter of time before your kids replace you with a better mom, too.”  “Everyone is judging you.”  "You’re a failure, a fraud.”  “God cannot use you because you’re a hypocrite; all you do is turn people away from Him.”  “You can’t have healthy female relationships.”  “Just give up and settle because you’ll never have a healthy marriage.”  “You need something or someone outside of God.”  “You aren’t equipped.”  “You’ll just make a mess of things and ruin everything yet again.”  “You don’t even know how to love.”  “You’ll never do enough or be enough.”   That’s a lot!  Yeah?!  And those are all things I struggle with on a daily basis.  It’s a fight I engage in every day.  A fight I face with the belt of truth (Eph 6).  I have to tape up reminders all around my house with scripture to combat the lies of the Great Deceiver.  I have to repeat verses over and over and over again to keep the cunning cuts at bay.  It’s a daily battle in my mind.  Here are some of my go to verses that I keep easily accessible on my belt:

Phil 2:13  For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.

Phil 1:6  And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

Gal 2:20  I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Rom 8:28-30  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who i have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

2 Cor 12:9-10  But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me.  Therefore I take pleasure in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, and difficulties for Christ; for when I might be weak, then I am strong.

2 Tim 1:7  For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power, love, and self-control.

Phil 4:6  Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

I think about this every time I get frustrated with them and react instead of responding.

I’ve had to fight hard against my nature and not pass along my own learned behaviors to my kids.  I’m failing miserably, but I’m aware of them and trying.  Right now my biggest hang up has been not yelling (or maybe it’s just not getting so frustrated and worked up?); it’s something I’ve been working hard on and my oldest even encouraged me recently when she said she couldn’t remember the last time I yelled...... and then I had a whole week of being frustrated and yelling.  Crap.

Being a mom is hard.  Being a single mom with no breaks and no adult conversation with feedback on my parenting choices is harder still.  Being a single mom with a daycare open just under 60 hrs a week with and a bunch of other kids and (some) of their parents to contend with is even harder.  And let’s add in trying to keep active at the gym and well-studied for my class.

I’m exhausted.  I feel like I need more time with my girls and miss them.  I want their attention and to give them mine on an intimate level.  I want that quality time with them.  But then I’m over here also craving “me time” and personal growth.  I’m just frustrated.  I feel overwhelmed even when there isn’t seemingly much going on.  I want to give them my all, but I don’t know where to get that from.  I’d just like a date night--one on one--with each of my girls.  But I don’t have a babysitter, nor could I afford one......nor would I want to give up that time with the other two girls when I already have time taken away as it is.  And I’ve been looking forward to Spring Break so I can actually see Bunny for more than 30 minutes in the morning and 2 hours at night, but I just realized she’ll be at her dad’s for half of that.  What the heck?!  I just feel like I cannot catch a break, or a breath, rather.  I cannot catch a breath. So I’m overwhelmed and drowning and trying not to react when I should be lovingly responding.  I don’t want this to be a rant-fest because there is a lot of good.  I am showing them that they are strong and able to overcome, just like mommy.  I’m showing them that exercising and sweating are good things that we need to make time for.  I’m showing them that we all need to apologize and ask for forgiveness....that we are all sinners that Jesus is working on; sanctification is a process.  I’m showing them humility by admitting my flaws and giving them the permission and opportunity to point my failures out to me, too (in a respectful way).  I’m showing them that making time to serve in the church and being an active part of the Body is a priority.  I’m showing them that I’m always here for them....no matter how tired I am or overwhelmed by the situation I feel. 

I didn’t write yesterday, but I thought a lot...

Right now, the schedule with my ex means that I don’t have my precious three little girls every other Sunday afternoon.  I tend to keep myself away from the house and busy to pass the time and to keep my mind off of the situation.  There is no use in being angry, feeling sorry for myself or even for them.  This is the situation and at this point, there is nothing I can do about it no matter how much I grieve with them every time they are begging to come home at night.  I just can’t do anything for them, so I keep busy.  I think and pray a lot.

Yesterday I served first service entering the attendance data and covering for the previous two services. I was planning on going to service before I got a text from one of the leaders of my Single Moms group (let’s call her Emmy Lou).  She was warning me that we were going to be talking about sexuality and our singleness.  Ugh.  I didn’t want to go at all, but that has usually been a good indicator that I should go.  So I went.

I sat down.  I listened.  I was surprised by what I heard.  

First, sexuality isn’t something we talk much about.  I mean, it has been talked about it in Divorce Care and in our Single Parenting class:  wait, don’t do it, God’s way is the best way, etc.  (all of which I’m totally here for).  But we don’t talk about failures and struggles with sexuality.  Emmy Lou was vague but open that she struggled with some stuff during her single years between her marriages.   **gasp**

What?!  Here was a woman that LOVES Jesus and she struggled?  This awesome person obviously being used by God, an upstanding woman in the church, and she was even affected by this? Before I even knew her personally, God had used Emmy Lou to teach me lessons in my life (she still doesn’t know about that, but different story for a different time). She’s amazing. And she shares some of the same struggles I have?! (BTW the book Rediscovering Sexuality by Dr. Juli Slattery is wonderful and a fantastic reminder of the way God designed sex. Sex and all regarding is definitely something we do NOT talk about nearly as much as we should.  And its misuse is rampant.)

That was my first thought.

Secondly, Emmy Lou said something that stuck out:  the devil always seems to remind her of her past right before she is getting ready to praise God through singing/worship.  That stuck.

Lately I’ve felt unsettled and unworthy, separate from God.  I’ve felt like a hypocrite and have been very aware of my many and varied failures while knowing I’ve asked for forgiveness and He’s been faithful in forgiving.  We are led into these temptations (not just sexual), told how good they will make us feel, and then when we partake, BAM!!!  The devil is right there reminding us of our failure, how we can never shake this sin, that we will always be a loser and a slave to our past. 

And here she is, getting ready to praise the very God that sent His son for HER, for ME.....and the devil steps in to set that off track.  He reminds us of our nakedness and the shame of disobeying God.  He’s a sneaky little piece of crap.

And honestly, I could leave it here.  Just relating to someone else and having it pointed out that seemingly perfect people aren’t ever perfect; we all need the grace, mercy, and saving the Lord offers. A reminder that God uses the most broken to magnify His name. Truth. I left not thinking much more about it.  I went to the Y, ran a couple miles and walked a bit, but just wasn’t feeling it.  Went to check what time hot yoga started.... still another 1.5 hours.  Ugh.  I the remembered I could get the service from church that I missed on my phone and I have a girlfriend who said she likes to run while listening to books on tape!  I thought I’d try it.  

I was disappointed when they didn’t have this week’s sermon up, but they had last weeks which I’d missed between serving and dipping out early to spend a little extra time with my kids. I turned it on and started walking.  

(Here’s where to find it:  The Day of War from 03/01/2020   https://www.onlinecfc.com/messages/action,view/id,116 )

About 45 minutes into this sermon video (see above), the pastor is talking about 2 Chronicles 20 and the fear the people have as they are facing an attack.  They cried out to God in desperation and He responded (through the prophet Jahazial).  They would be protected.  He would protect them.  He would fight against their enemies for them.  And just to prove a point, he told them to gather the choir....  (insert curious/confused emoji here).  The choir!?  Yep.  They went into battle worshiping the Lord. And here is where I nearly tripped over my own feet on the track because I started thinking about Emmy Lou.

She has her own enemy like we all do.  The devil.  The great deceiver.  The father of lies. And then there is our God.  The Almighty.  The Comforter.  Our Protector.  He will fight for us.

...”This is what the LORD says: ‘Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army, for the battle does not belong to you, but to God.”... 2 Chron 20:15

“’You need not fight this battle. Take up your positions, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD on your behalf, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out and face them tomorrow, for the LORD is with you.’” 2 Chron 20:17

What do we need to do?  First, pray!  That’s what they did in 2 Chronicles; they asked God for help and He answered.  But then they trusted Him and praised Him.  Just like Emmy Lou who feels the attacks of the devil right as she is preparing to sing praises to the Creator.  And what does she do?  She leans into God and His protection.  She pushes that sneaky, manipulative snake away reminding herself that she’s sorted that out with God and He’s forgiven her.  He’s got this.  And then she sings.  She praises God.  Another battle is won.

I am an extremely habitual person.  I get in so-called ruts.  I eat the same things every single day. I drink the same coffee. I wear the exact same outfits every day and do my hair and makeup the exact same way.  I go to the exact same grocery stores and buy the exact same things.  I have a routine on the weekends where we get the usuals at the doughnut store and take the same route through the puppy dog store after going to the exact same Y (why even try the brand new other one that’s equally as close?). And habitual can be great!  At the start of the year like many others, I set up goals both personally and with my family.  I make a new goal for how much I want to save for the next year, how many days per week I want to make sure I work out and how much further I want to be able to run.  I have new service opportunities I want to take part in, projects I want to complete around the house, and relationships I want to work on.  I talk to my three little girls about their personal goals and things they want to do as a family which has included weekly game nights, going out for ice cream, serving together, reading more, less screen time, etc.  And as a whole, we do pretty well being mindful and intentional during the year with these in mind....forming new habits!  It’s why my savings account looks the way it does and my towels are folded the exact same way every single time I do them.

In fact, one of my goals was to go 70 days with no alcohol whatsoever to just gain a clearer mind and focus....maybe lose a few of the 20 lbs I’d gained in the last year, too!!  I’m one of those people who skipping wine a day or two here and there is no big deal, but I really do look forward to that “reward” at the end of the day.  I’ve done the so called “checks” here and there for a week or two and or a month, but never more than that unless I’ve been pregnant.  For me, it’s not just a reward or a nice way to unwind, but it’s the sole grown up activity in a life spent 24/7 with kids......mine and other people’s kids.  But let’s be honest, it is also a habit.  

And habits can be as hard to break as they are to form!  Thankfully, in the last 46 days, I’ve only been really tempted to pour a glass twice, but even those weren’t that hard to pass up.  However, I also had a great intentions of working diligently on my growth both physically and spiritually.  My goal of feeding my body better and not binging has only gotten worse in the last couple weeks.  And while I have taken steps spiritually by taking a Biblical Doctrine class, I’ve been neglecting my that time of self-reflection and prayer I’m usually doing constantly throughout the day.  And believe you and me, becoming one only of head knowledge and not constantly taking a posture of humility is a  Pharisaical path and the LAST thing I want to do!  I want my heart to be malleable and continually bending willingly at the nudge of the Holy Spirit.  I want my class to work my heart and not just my mind.  I’ve experienced the scars of that Pharisaical mindset and not only do I NOT want to put my kids through that, but I don’t want that to be the mark of my ministry here on earth.  But really, I don’t want it to be the type of relationship I have with my God.   So here we are.  I have 24 days left of my 70 and my goal is to be on here and write something.  Maybe a prayer, something I’m being convicted of, a verse that is really sticking out to me, a failure, a triumph, something I’m grateful for, a way I see the Lord moving...... just something to keep God at the forefront and me focused on why I’m really here on this earth and the relationship that is the MOST important to nurture.  Keep me accountable!  Help me reform this habit!

Mt 4:4  Jesus answered, "It is written: 'Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"

Dt. 11:18-19  Fix these words of min in your hearts and minds, tie them as a sign on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Teach them to your children, speaking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up

I was feeling brave.  I was feeling equipped, strong.  I was proud of the growth I’d had and the trajectory I was on.  I started out on my own a bit straying from beneath the shelter of safety.  I was forgetting what I’d been taught, who I was being trained by, and my need for continual reliance; not completely by any means, but enough where I was giving my attention to things fluttering in front of my face and following them here and there.  I was like a cub wandering further and further away from safety, following my nose and whatever distraction was in front of me, forgetting to stay close and keep looking to the one who could and would protect me. I heard the gentle call to come back to safety and to trust, but like any toddler, I was overly confident that I could handle myself and a few more steps away wouldn’t hurt......  Until I fell into the trapping pit.  

Repentant and rescued once again, I’m safely hiding under the Omnipotent One; my healer, my protector, my father. I don’t want to be a Giddeon asking for sign after sign when I don’t like the answer I was given.  I don’t want to be a Jonah running from God because I don’t want to do what He’s called me to.  I don’t want to be an Eve or Adam ashamed and hiding because I disobeyed.

Romans 7:14-8:4

14 We know that the law is spiritual, but I am not. I am so human. Sin rules me as if I were its slave. 15 I don’t understand why I act the way I do. I don’t do the good I want to do, and I do the evil I hate. 16 And if I don’t want to do what I do, that means I agree that the law is good. 17 But I am not really the one doing the evil. It is sin living in me that does it. 18 Yes, I know that nothing good lives in me—I mean nothing good lives in the part of me that is not spiritual. I want to do what is good, but I don’t do it. 19 I don’t do the good that I want to do. I do the evil that I don’t want to do. 20 So if I do what I don’t want to do, then I am not really the one doing it. It is the sin living in me that does it.

21 So I have learned this rule: When I want to do good, evil is there with me. 22 In my mind I am happy with God’s law. 23 But I see another law working in my body. That law makes war against the law that my mind accepts. That other law working in my body is the law of sin, and that law makes me its prisoner. 24 What a miserable person I am! Who will save me from this body that brings me death? 25 I thank God for his salvation through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So in my mind I am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful self I am a slave to the law of sin.

Fear, triggers, lies, jealousy, control, bashing, anger, betrayal, abandonment, loneliness, disappointment, anger, confusion, rejection, failure, avoidance, brokenness.....

I took this list from another post I've been in the process of writing for weeks but can't quite figure out how to get it down. It's an incomplete list of the "hashtags" I'd use to describe what I've felt and have been struggling with.

I've been wrestling with knowing who my God is and I in Him while still feeling the real hurt and brokenness around me.

I've felt the brokenness of my own little family and the anger that's risen as a result. My girls are stuck in the middle telling me one thing and supposedly their dad another. I've felt such the anxious fear of being replaced and not good enough in a monstrous way....and I've tried controlling it by controlling the situation. Because that works 🙄🤦 And then I feel so guilty.

And I haven't just felt the weight and messy reality left in the wake of my husband leaving on my shoulders, but the tragic world my siblings and my kids are in with my parents' divorce. I definitely feel like we are a family being pulled and stretched apart: siblings who don't talk to each other, family members avoiding each other, whispers and lies being told behind backs, truths left untold feeding into minds wandering to those lies and putting tiny pieces together that don't belong....

And I find myself once again battling the scars of abandonment, failure, rejections, being criticized and, in turn, jealous of those who do better (or seem to do better) and have taken the place I wanted/had. I've been angry and unsuccessfully trying to control situations and people. I find myself retreating and coping in unhealthy ways that I honestly thought I'd shed long ago. I've felt lonely and abandoned, stuck in my own head and on my own little island with my kids struggling to do it all by myself while trying to keep the sharks that threaten my family at bay.

It's exhausting. And I know it isn't supposed to be this way.

I know God is in charge. I know He will see His will come to fruition. I know I'm getting in my own way. I know holding on to this fear just turns into frustration/anger and an unhealthy need to control. So why do I keep keep doing it other than it is just a familiar way I learned to cope growing up? I know better now.

I've been doing a study recently that has given me a renewed way to really cope and get through by putting on a new mindset. The author talked about turning worry to worship. I've done it time and time again, but I've been better about taking my hurts, anxious thoughts, fears, anger, etc. to God and just being an open book with Him as far as my struggles. But in the study the author talks about it's one thing to just list off what's wrong and to bring it to Him. I'm good at that. I poured my heart to Him and begged for my marriage, I'd asked Him to take this girl whose trying to mother my kids away and have wrestled with the hatred I feel right smack-dab in front of Him. I've admitted my anxiety and right grasp on false control and have asked Him to take it away. I've asked Him to fix things with my family, I've cussed in complete frustration and have admitted sins to Him only He knows. I've poured out my heart to him and been completely honest, hiding nothing about how I'm feeling and what I'm struggling with. I have an extremely open relationship with God that way and that's a good place to be in as far as talking to Him about everything and it has its place, but there's more.

She talks about instead of focusing on what's going wrong and what I can't control ( that anger and fear of being hurt, abandoned, replaced, not good enough, etc.) to focus on worshipping Him through it; not asking Him to take away what's in front of me, but praising Him for who He is in spite of the brokenness all around. So I've started really focusing on doing that any time I'm frustrated or hurting. Just praise Him. Nothing else.

When I get angry about that girl and her total disrespect for my family and role as mother, I have instead praised God for the kids he has giving me, the opportunity to be their mother, and His faithfulness through this entire situation. When I'm frustrated on behalf of the kids that their dad doesn't call, I can be grateful for that in interrupted time with my people and praise God for that. When I'm angry with myself for my poor decisions, I bring that guilt and shame to God and ask for forgiveness, but I praise Him for the forgiveness and acceptance He gives. I praise Him for another opportunity for me to realize how much I need Him and cannot do this on my own. Even when I'm getting frustrated with the simplest things like kids leaving their crap everywhere, I take that moment to thank God that I have kids in my house to leave their crap everywhere! Being reminded that there is always an opportunity to praise Him in all things. Having this mindset and not just "here's what's wrong" has been a good dose of medicine these last couple days.

This has been a rough week.  To lay it out, I’ve been struggling with hurts and hang ups that have been around for a while, but they always seem to come in huge waves straight up to the surface around my birthday.  You see, I found out my ex-husband was having an affair with a girl from work and was thinking of leaving and pursuing it during and within the few days after getting back from my birthday trip in 2014. Two years later I found out he actually was leaving and that he’d been dating yet a different girl from work two years later.  That left a wound.  There are so many wonderful things about September and it’s the special month I get to share and celebrate with my precious Bunny,  but it is also a month that still hurts for me and I can feel the tenderness that is still there and am reminded that there is still healing that needs to happen. 

With that in mind, my “birthday week” started on Saturday when I offered to let my ex take the girls out to lunch after soccer since it had been three weeks since they had a visitation (in all fairness, he also didn’t ask to have them during that time or to switch days/weekends at all) and I figured they would love to get to hang out a bit.  He accepted,  and I spent an hour nosing around stores while I waited to continue my day with my girls.  Things seemed fine, but when we got home Buggy was telling me that her “tinkler” hurt and it was, in fact, red and irritated.  I asked her if she bumped it, if someone touched it, or how it got hurt; she said “that girl” touched it.  Turns out when their dad accepted my offer to take the girls to lunch, I didn’t factor in that he can’t go or do anything without “the girlfriend,” so he invited her along and she was the one who was taking the girls to the bathroom.  ANYWAY......   I was unimpressed and angry that someone other than her dad and I was taking on private and personal responsibilities like that; and I wasn’t looking forward to the conversation that would be following.  Now, do I think she is molesting my daughter?  No, but I also don’t want to dismiss anything.  You can never be too careful and it was yet another thing to add to my mental mess for the week of my birthday and then tenderness surrounding.  I was not in a good place.

To add to it, I was so frustrated with Bunny who was having the hardest time listening and following through this past week.  I even started yelling..... I haven’t yelled at the kids in a while and I felt so guilty for doing so (especially Bunny who is always so compliant and sensitive).  Guilt isn’t good for an already compromised mind and heart.  But then it just gets better! And then I’m still over here dealing with my dad and his new situation (or at least letting it pile up in my head until he’s ready to sit down and talk about it)...  You see, Grandparents Day was on Friday for Bunny and she had specifically asked if Grumpy (my dad) could come since they had so much fun last year.  But then Bunny’s dad wanted his mom to go.   I discouraged it since Grumpy had already taken off of work to go and since Bunny specifically asked for him, which their dad then passed along to his mom and they backed down. BUT then Bunny and my dad show up after school with his new wife in tow!!!!  WHat!?  I didn’t tell my mom about it so that Grumpy could go by request of Bunny.  I discouraged another grandparent from going so that my daughter and my dad could have that special time together....and then he invited someone else without even telling me!  I was shoooooook. (I think I used that word appropriately! ha, ha)  Now, that won’t start anything when everyone sees those pictures on the school website (eye roll).  The grandmas weren’t allowed to go but someone who isn’t even her grandma was there?  Oh my goodness.  I’m sitting here waiting to hear all about it from these women while I’m just shaking my head because my dad is the person who rolled his eyes when the girls’ dad couldn’t do or go anywhere without his female companion (as we just saw happen on Saturday)!  And seriously, is there any man out there that understand how important it is for a girl to have one-on-one time with the men in her life???  I don’t get that from my dad anymore, but I thought at least Bunny could get that.  (But what was I thinking, my dad couldn’t even show up to her birthday because my mom was there...I can’t get into that right now, though.  Grr) Okay, so reviewing:  The time around my birthday is tender and emotional to begin with, then we added Buggy’s ordeal and knowing I’d have to talk to her ad about it, then Bunny and I had a rough week where I yelled and got frustrated.  So we added guilt on top of hurt and anxiety.  Now we just added Grandparents Day on top of all of it....and on top of hurts and frustrations that have been festering for a while. Okay! Now, let’s add that my three girls have their first weekend ever with TWO nights away from me/home in a row!  Sounding like the best week ever, yet?!  And I’m looking around realizing I have no one available to talk to about this, so it is all getting internalized.  

Yikes.  A recipe for disaster.

I’m stressed, overly tired, hurt, broken, forgotten, dismissed, anxious, lonely, guilty...... and vulnerable.  That’s where the song comes in.  After making a couple poor decisions this weekend (some really good ones, too, though) from that negative place, I was left feeling defeated and in shackles from my failures all over again running the playback of things, decisions I’d made through my head; I was right back in that place of feeling incredibly replaceable, completely broken, shameful... a hypocrite.  But then it was like something just hit:  I’m not replaceable and I’m not expected to be perfect.  I feel like I am, but there is one person who has never forgotten me, replaced me with someone else, or will leave me because of my failures (or theirs).  Yeah, I’ve made bad decisions, people have left, I’ve gotten left out.....facts.  They will keep on happening.  But my God has been faithful despite these and I’ve been redeemed by Him and He’s set me free.  I can shake off these heavy chains and wipe away every stain because He’s not done with me, yet; He’s not giving up.  I’m not who I used to be.  I don’t have to be the old person inside of me because I’m not the same and I am wanted and I belong.

I have been on my own as a single parent for nearly 3 years and am coming up on 2 years divorced.  Up to this point, it was about healing and just making it through.  But recently I’m finding myself open up to not doing this by myself.  I found I quit searching a mom’s hand for a wedding band and feeling a connection when there wasn’t one to be found, and have started noticing ringless fingers on men.   It was an unintentional switch, but there you have it.  Between that and focusing on being intentional.....something we’re working on as a church, too... I had to evaluate myself.  --Do I want to raise these kids by myself and could they benefit from a positive male role model?  I think so.  I desire the intimacy of being able to share openly what happened during the day and how I’m feeling.  I want someone who will lovingly push me in a better direction, towards God and away from selfishness.  When it is just me, there isn’t accountability that way.  I want another opinion on how I’m raising these little girls because I know I’m not getting it all right!  And I also want someone to show these little girls what to look for in their future spouse.  In fact, I asked Bunny how she would feel about it (excited) and what she would want concerning this man.  Her answer:  She wants him “not to leave and he has to stay,”  he has to have a dog (”or else we can get one after you get married”), he has to not be mean, and she’d also like a brother.  (Oh my.....) --What timeline do I have in mind?  No answer to that.  I am not in a rush at all and I want to be very aware and intentional about being patient.  Any time I try to rush things with God, it doesn’t work out so well.  Of course, I have this idea that introducing someone within the next year or two would mean that the girls wouldn’t remember much time without him and he’d be a permanent figure from “the beginning.”  But if God has a different plan, then so be it.  I just want to make sure I’m keeping that door open and (again) being intentional about doing so for when and if that time comes.  I will add, to be completely transparent, that I’m very comfortable with where I’m at and I’m sure part of my being okay with “not rushing it” is because of that.....which also isn’t the best place to be!  I need to be challenged and held accountable to keep moving in an upward direction!

Well, the cat is out of the bag.  I’m a control freak. I completely understand with my mind that I have no control in this world.  I cannot control how other people think, react, or treat me. I cannot control if someone else is going to be respectful of my time or me as a person.  I cannot control the traffic and how people drive just like I can’t do anything about the weather or mosquitos in the backyard (no matter how much fogger I use to try and control the problem.  I cannot control if my kids like their dad or the girlfriend more than me or if they choose to have any type of relationship with me when they are older. I cannot control whether or not they believe in God and choose a lifestyle pleasing to Him.  I am powerless. Utterly out of control.. And yet I want to be so badly (but I don’t). I keep fighting to be and keep failing at it and wanting to just be able to sit in the knowing that God’s got it and I don’t have to fix and manipulate everything… yet, I keep finding myself trying to take it back and making life work on my terms.

I think my biggest hurdle right now is surrendering my control with my kids.  I get that they are their own people with their own built-in personalities who will make their own decisions.  I get that. But I am so fearful of having a relationship with these three precious girls that mirrors the one with my mom.  I don’t want to drive these kids away. I want to keep them close. Even before they were born, I feared their rejection… and even more so now having been cast aside by their dad (whom they adore) and having another female for them to measure me by like he has/does.  I feel like I have to be better at everything so they will want me more than her. I have to be more patient, more creative, more involved, more willing, less of anything that may push these little girls away from me.

I’m trying to control the outcome.  

Fact is, they will like her and any other girlfriends/wives to come better at times and me at others.  I get it. I just don’t feel it.

And yet I know by trying to control them, I’ll drive them away.  It is a vicious circle and there is a ginormous rift between understanding it and being able to follow through with the letting go.

Proverbs 3:-6.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart; lean not on your own understanding.  Seek HIS will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”

By nature I am very self-reliant, independent, and self-sufficient.  I like doing things on my own and my way because I know it will get done “right;” I was not great with group projects in school.  I know I can’t control everything, but I still try to manage every aspect of my life and the lives of my kids in a lot of ways, too.  I did the same in my marriage by trying to “make him” responsible, “make him” love me, “make him” want to stay. None of my efforts worked because I wasn’t in control of him just like I’m not in control of these kids I have.  They are either predestined Children of God or they weren’t chosen. I can’t change that.

I don’t think it is fair that the time the girls and I should have together has been taken away because he decided to leave.  I’m jealous of the time he gets with them as well as the time she gets as a result. It isn’t fair, it isn’t right. It is not how a mother/child(ren) relationship should look when both sides are wanting to be together. I don’t dislike him or her as people.  I hate the decisions both of them have made and that, as a result, my kids and I are the ones to pay the price.

Yesterday, Bunny and the twins got home from a full day at their dad’s apartment.  Since it was fall break and Bunny didn’t have school, their dad had asked me for suggestions on what to do with them since “he isn’t good at thinking of that kind of thing.”  I suggested the zoo since it it one of our favorite places to go and you can make it into an hour trip of a 6 hour trip depending on what all you want to see and do.  

The girls, of course, didn’t know that I’d checked in on them all day to try and see how they were doing but was only met by short one or two word, snippy answers hours later from their dad.  They didn’t know that he’d been sneaky about some things and had taken advantage of our situation.  They didn’t know I was already a bit peeved with him before they got home…. Which was only compounded when they all got out of his car wearing dirty clothes post-bath (I mean really?  Who puts dirty played-in clothes on kids after giving them a bath?!).  

I was frustrated with him.  I was frustrated and downright angry that yet again that he has made this our way of life.  That he and the fill-in mom get to take my kids to the zoo, pick out junk food for them to eat, change their diapers and give them bathes (both of which she is NOT supposed to be doing, yet there is total disregard).  And then the kicker…. She brushed their hair after bathes.   It doesn’t seem like a big deal to most people, but when I was growing up hair brushing was a horrible thing.  I avoided it like the plague.  I hated having my hair ripped out and pulled to the point that there were times it got so matted underneath that I would have to cut it.  I hated my mom brushing my hair.  But then I had my grandma who would brush it and run her fingers through it…. I LOVED that.  Before my girls were born, I knew I’d be gentle with their hair, massage their hair, listen when they said it hurt.  I knew it was inevitable since tangles just plain hurt, but I was going to try my best. And now, because of him, that girl gets to brush my little girls’ hair instead of me their mom.   And I don’t get why I -- basically -- hate that girl so much.  It wasn’t just her that slept with my husband; it was him, too, and he most likely initiated it.  It wasn’t her that left our marriage and our kids because only he could make that decision.  It wasn’t her that filed for divorce.  He did that.  Yeah, she knew I’d just had twins and a toddler and that he was still married and that is a horrible thing to think that a female can do to another female.  But she didn’t promise me ‘til death.  He promised.  

So why is it reasonable for him, but I can’t I stand the thought of that girl brushing my girls’ hair, hugging them, kissing them, changing their diapers, playing with them?  Maybe because I knew he’d be a part of it since he was my husband, the guy that fathered these babies with me and I knew going into it that he’d play that role?  Maybe it isn’t so much because SHE wants to replace me as their mother as much as it is that HE wants to replace me.  Yes, she doesn’t give a crap about me or my family as a whole, but he’s the one who’s been hateful to me, reacted to me out of spite, and has ripped apart my family.  He’s the one that keeps reminding me that I’m not a good mom and that this replacement is so much better.  He’s the one that flat-out told me that he’s trying to teach the “what’s right” despite me.  He and she are the good ones while I’m the villain they escaped from.  

So maybe I’m just jealous that she gets my life that I signed up for and that I was building.  She gets those precious moments with my kids, their tender little hugs, to experience their joys and laughter, hear their imaginations work….. She gets what I want.  She gets the family I created while I’ve been cast aside as the reject by him, his family, and even my kids who are so excited to go play with “Disney Dad” and his Queen in the “Land of No Rules.”  (To a point where coming back home after a fun day at the zoo prompted Bunny to tell me that “that girl” is more important to her than Mommy.  I’ll give you that I think it was kind of out of context and she wasn’t understanding what I had just said and has since taken it back.  But still.  That stung).   All I know at this point is that I hate how I feel every time these girls leave and come home.  I hate that I’m evidently jealous of her…. I sure as hell don’t want him back, but I DO want my kids and all the memories with them!   Or what if it isn’t even her that I’m jealous of.  After all, I don’t even know her.  What if it is just who and what she represents that I loathe and am jealous of?  It could be any random girl he chose to replace me with, who gets to spend the time with my kids that I should have.  It could be any number of girls that he has had a flirted with, had a relationship with, told he loved to, or even had sex with while we were married… it just so happens to be this one right now.  It just so happens that he divorced me with those one in mind.  It just so happens to be this girl that was willing to sleep with a married man and continue a relationship with him for almost the whole last year of our marriage.  (I will give you THAT gives aways some of who she specifically is, but she wasn’t the only girl who dated him during our marriage…. She’s just happened to be the last one.)

But here is where I am getting stuck again.  I wonder what it would be like if he and this girl ended their relationship and he started dating another one who was equally as nice to the girls as this one seems to be (who knows, really… my kids like everyone) and as perfect as their dad claims she is.  Would I be jealous of her?  Would I seemingly “hate” her?  I don’t think so.  I think I could accept that he and I are done no matter what I tried and this is what happens.  He broke the marriage covenant and this is where we are.  Fine.  So then, is it really just jealousy because she is taking over my spot and having the experiences that I deserved to have with them as their mom?  Or does it go back to who she is?  That she was okay sleeping with my husband and stealing pictures off of MY Facebook account to make a collage for him that she ended up cutting me out of?  (That was low on her part.  I’ve since made my Facebook super private.)  

Or is it just a mix between the two?  

I really don’t know.  I’ve been back and forth so much on this that I’ve twisted myself in knots…