#year33

I think about this every time I get frustrated with them and react instead of responding.

I’ve had to fight hard against my nature and not pass along my own learned behaviors to my kids.  I’m failing miserably, but I’m aware of them and trying.  Right now my biggest hang up has been not yelling (or maybe it’s just not getting so frustrated and worked up?); it’s something I’ve been working hard on and my oldest even encouraged me recently when she said she couldn’t remember the last time I yelled...... and then I had a whole week of being frustrated and yelling.  Crap.

Being a mom is hard.  Being a single mom with no breaks and no adult conversation with feedback on my parenting choices is harder still.  Being a single mom with a daycare open just under 60 hrs a week with and a bunch of other kids and (some) of their parents to contend with is even harder.  And let’s add in trying to keep active at the gym and well-studied for my class.

I’m exhausted.  I feel like I need more time with my girls and miss them.  I want their attention and to give them mine on an intimate level.  I want that quality time with them.  But then I’m over here also craving “me time” and personal growth.  I’m just frustrated.  I feel overwhelmed even when there isn’t seemingly much going on.  I want to give them my all, but I don’t know where to get that from.  I’d just like a date night--one on one--with each of my girls.  But I don’t have a babysitter, nor could I afford one......nor would I want to give up that time with the other two girls when I already have time taken away as it is.  And I’ve been looking forward to Spring Break so I can actually see Bunny for more than 30 minutes in the morning and 2 hours at night, but I just realized she’ll be at her dad’s for half of that.  What the heck?!  I just feel like I cannot catch a break, or a breath, rather.  I cannot catch a breath. So I’m overwhelmed and drowning and trying not to react when I should be lovingly responding.  I don’t want this to be a rant-fest because there is a lot of good.  I am showing them that they are strong and able to overcome, just like mommy.  I’m showing them that exercising and sweating are good things that we need to make time for.  I’m showing them that we all need to apologize and ask for forgiveness....that we are all sinners that Jesus is working on; sanctification is a process.  I’m showing them humility by admitting my flaws and giving them the permission and opportunity to point my failures out to me, too (in a respectful way).  I’m showing them that making time to serve in the church and being an active part of the Body is a priority.  I’m showing them that I’m always here for them....no matter how tired I am or overwhelmed by the situation I feel. 

I was feeling brave.  I was feeling equipped, strong.  I was proud of the growth I’d had and the trajectory I was on.  I started out on my own a bit straying from beneath the shelter of safety.  I was forgetting what I’d been taught, who I was being trained by, and my need for continual reliance; not completely by any means, but enough where I was giving my attention to things fluttering in front of my face and following them here and there.  I was like a cub wandering further and further away from safety, following my nose and whatever distraction was in front of me, forgetting to stay close and keep looking to the one who could and would protect me. I heard the gentle call to come back to safety and to trust, but like any toddler, I was overly confident that I could handle myself and a few more steps away wouldn’t hurt......  Until I fell into the trapping pit.  

Repentant and rescued once again, I’m safely hiding under the Omnipotent One; my healer, my protector, my father. I don’t want to be a Giddeon asking for sign after sign when I don’t like the answer I was given.  I don’t want to be a Jonah running from God because I don’t want to do what He’s called me to.  I don’t want to be an Eve or Adam ashamed and hiding because I disobeyed.

Romans 7:14-8:4

14 We know that the law is spiritual, but I am not. I am so human. Sin rules me as if I were its slave. 15 I don’t understand why I act the way I do. I don’t do the good I want to do, and I do the evil I hate. 16 And if I don’t want to do what I do, that means I agree that the law is good. 17 But I am not really the one doing the evil. It is sin living in me that does it. 18 Yes, I know that nothing good lives in me—I mean nothing good lives in the part of me that is not spiritual. I want to do what is good, but I don’t do it. 19 I don’t do the good that I want to do. I do the evil that I don’t want to do. 20 So if I do what I don’t want to do, then I am not really the one doing it. It is the sin living in me that does it.

21 So I have learned this rule: When I want to do good, evil is there with me. 22 In my mind I am happy with God’s law. 23 But I see another law working in my body. That law makes war against the law that my mind accepts. That other law working in my body is the law of sin, and that law makes me its prisoner. 24 What a miserable person I am! Who will save me from this body that brings me death? 25 I thank God for his salvation through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So in my mind I am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful self I am a slave to the law of sin.

This has been a rough week.  To lay it out, I’ve been struggling with hurts and hang ups that have been around for a while, but they always seem to come in huge waves straight up to the surface around my birthday.  You see, I found out my ex-husband was having an affair with a girl from work and was thinking of leaving and pursuing it during and within the few days after getting back from my birthday trip in 2014. Two years later I found out he actually was leaving and that he’d been dating yet a different girl from work two years later.  That left a wound.  There are so many wonderful things about September and it’s the special month I get to share and celebrate with my precious Bunny,  but it is also a month that still hurts for me and I can feel the tenderness that is still there and am reminded that there is still healing that needs to happen. 

With that in mind, my “birthday week” started on Saturday when I offered to let my ex take the girls out to lunch after soccer since it had been three weeks since they had a visitation (in all fairness, he also didn’t ask to have them during that time or to switch days/weekends at all) and I figured they would love to get to hang out a bit.  He accepted,  and I spent an hour nosing around stores while I waited to continue my day with my girls.  Things seemed fine, but when we got home Buggy was telling me that her “tinkler” hurt and it was, in fact, red and irritated.  I asked her if she bumped it, if someone touched it, or how it got hurt; she said “that girl” touched it.  Turns out when their dad accepted my offer to take the girls to lunch, I didn’t factor in that he can’t go or do anything without “the girlfriend,” so he invited her along and she was the one who was taking the girls to the bathroom.  ANYWAY......   I was unimpressed and angry that someone other than her dad and I was taking on private and personal responsibilities like that; and I wasn’t looking forward to the conversation that would be following.  Now, do I think she is molesting my daughter?  No, but I also don’t want to dismiss anything.  You can never be too careful and it was yet another thing to add to my mental mess for the week of my birthday and then tenderness surrounding.  I was not in a good place.

To add to it, I was so frustrated with Bunny who was having the hardest time listening and following through this past week.  I even started yelling..... I haven’t yelled at the kids in a while and I felt so guilty for doing so (especially Bunny who is always so compliant and sensitive).  Guilt isn’t good for an already compromised mind and heart.  But then it just gets better! And then I’m still over here dealing with my dad and his new situation (or at least letting it pile up in my head until he’s ready to sit down and talk about it)...  You see, Grandparents Day was on Friday for Bunny and she had specifically asked if Grumpy (my dad) could come since they had so much fun last year.  But then Bunny’s dad wanted his mom to go.   I discouraged it since Grumpy had already taken off of work to go and since Bunny specifically asked for him, which their dad then passed along to his mom and they backed down. BUT then Bunny and my dad show up after school with his new wife in tow!!!!  WHat!?  I didn’t tell my mom about it so that Grumpy could go by request of Bunny.  I discouraged another grandparent from going so that my daughter and my dad could have that special time together....and then he invited someone else without even telling me!  I was shoooooook. (I think I used that word appropriately! ha, ha)  Now, that won’t start anything when everyone sees those pictures on the school website (eye roll).  The grandmas weren’t allowed to go but someone who isn’t even her grandma was there?  Oh my goodness.  I’m sitting here waiting to hear all about it from these women while I’m just shaking my head because my dad is the person who rolled his eyes when the girls’ dad couldn’t do or go anywhere without his female companion (as we just saw happen on Saturday)!  And seriously, is there any man out there that understand how important it is for a girl to have one-on-one time with the men in her life???  I don’t get that from my dad anymore, but I thought at least Bunny could get that.  (But what was I thinking, my dad couldn’t even show up to her birthday because my mom was there...I can’t get into that right now, though.  Grr) Okay, so reviewing:  The time around my birthday is tender and emotional to begin with, then we added Buggy’s ordeal and knowing I’d have to talk to her ad about it, then Bunny and I had a rough week where I yelled and got frustrated.  So we added guilt on top of hurt and anxiety.  Now we just added Grandparents Day on top of all of it....and on top of hurts and frustrations that have been festering for a while. Okay! Now, let’s add that my three girls have their first weekend ever with TWO nights away from me/home in a row!  Sounding like the best week ever, yet?!  And I’m looking around realizing I have no one available to talk to about this, so it is all getting internalized.  

Yikes.  A recipe for disaster.

I’m stressed, overly tired, hurt, broken, forgotten, dismissed, anxious, lonely, guilty...... and vulnerable.  That’s where the song comes in.  After making a couple poor decisions this weekend (some really good ones, too, though) from that negative place, I was left feeling defeated and in shackles from my failures all over again running the playback of things, decisions I’d made through my head; I was right back in that place of feeling incredibly replaceable, completely broken, shameful... a hypocrite.  But then it was like something just hit:  I’m not replaceable and I’m not expected to be perfect.  I feel like I am, but there is one person who has never forgotten me, replaced me with someone else, or will leave me because of my failures (or theirs).  Yeah, I’ve made bad decisions, people have left, I’ve gotten left out.....facts.  They will keep on happening.  But my God has been faithful despite these and I’ve been redeemed by Him and He’s set me free.  I can shake off these heavy chains and wipe away every stain because He’s not done with me, yet; He’s not giving up.  I’m not who I used to be.  I don’t have to be the old person inside of me because I’m not the same and I am wanted and I belong.