This sick bleach shirt I made. Something to showcase my undying love for prehistoric cave art.

The oldest cheese in the world has been found, and it puts your Trader Joe’s aged Gouda to shame.

While Gouda can be aged for five years — some cheeses for ten — this one dates back as far as 1615 BC, which makes it older than Jesus Christ.

Buried with ancient mummies in China, the cheese was found on the necks and chests of Bronze Age cheese aficionados.

According to Popular Science, the cheese has essentially been vacuum-packed for centuries in the Taklamakan Desert, where dry air, salty earth and tightly-sealed burial conditions kept it from decaying.

And while the discovery was made in the ’30s, scientists have only just analyzed the proteins and fats in the clumps of the 3,600-year-old food to reveal its age and to be sure that it was not butter or milk.

Scientists say that the cheese was probably lactose-free and was made with a mixture of bacteria and yeast. They also say that the oldest discovered cheese might have tasted something like cottage cheese.

Who’s up for some wine, cheese and crackers party?

2-YEAR CHEDDAR

from GRAFTON VILLAGE

I usually try to review cheeses virginally - that is, ones that I’ve never had before. In this case, this is a cheddar I’ve had many times before. But I couldn’t leave it off the blog, what with its obvious appeal to leather and rubber fetishists.

As far as cheddars go, Grafton’s 2-year aged isn’t going to shock you. It’s mild, light on the salt, with a slightly sweet and grassy flavour. It’s got a nice texture. It’s dense, more moist than I expected, and smooth.

So what is the deal with the gummi suit on this cheese anyway? Well, cheese has obviously been around a lot longer than fridges. Fresh cheeses like mozzarella are too moist to last very long outside of a cold place (bacteria and fungi do so love damp places), though I don’t think anyone was too mad about eating that stuff quickly. But cheeses that have been aged (and dried) more have some more preservation options, which is where cheese wax comes in. The wax is a physical barrier, stopping fungal spores from landing, and also blocks moisture and air, making the cheese a pretty unfriendly place to grow. Even drier cheeses can be bandaged in cheesecloth and then slathered in lard to preserve them while allowing some ventilation.