You've Been Nanced

After years of trying to deny the obvious and fit in with other downtown establishments, area bar Mad Hatters finally came out as gay this week, shocking hundreds of residents who thought they knew the Seattle tavern.

Mad Hatters owner Greg Peterson, who delivered the brave announcement to friends, family members, and regular patrons Friday night, said that admitting his bar was gay was one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do.

Concluding that the costs of keeping such a device in the bedroom far exceeded the benefits, a study released Monday by the University of Chicago’s sleep lab found a strong link between poor sleep and the presence of a gong. “Our research consistently revealed that one of the best predictors of a sleepless night was having a gong sound near one’s bed,” said lead author Dr. Sylvia Mott, who added that study participants reported falling asleep later and waking up earlier when exposed to the deafening clang of a gong being struck with a mallet.