The Onion

Expressing frustration with the endless parade of poorly informed new inmates attempting to establish a reputation, Otto “O-Nasty” Dunlap, the biggest guy at San Quentin Prison, confirmed Friday that he was tired of every new inmate beating the shit out of him on their first day. “Every day it’s the same drill—I’m just going about my business and, bam, some first-time felon hits me in the head with a steel lunch tray, a weightlifting plate, or some metal shop scrap,” said Dunlap, 34, adding that despite his massive size, he had never once been the instigator in any of his 700-plus fights since 2015.

As a singer made her way onto the field to kickoff another home game with “The Star-Spangled Banner,” White Sox public address announcer Gene Honda politely reminded fans Tuesday to remove the Polish sausages from their mouths during the national anthem. According to spectators, Honda told the crowd to “Please rise and kindly remove any tubed meats from your mouth,” instructing those in attendance to respectfully place the bun over their hearts until the song had ended.

Only two weeks after signing up as an employee at Onward Health And Fitness, area resident Jennifer Lazar, initially enthusiastic about shedding excess debt in time for summer, has already lost interest in her “tedious” five-day work routine, sources reported Friday.

“I knew it was going to be tough and that it would take time to see any changes in my bank statement, but going to work day in and day out got old real fast,” Lazar said.

Dark times call for reckless purchases.

Expressing discontentment at the total takeover of the month-long celebration, local man Drew Barrington was reportedly frustrated Tuesday that Pride had been completely co-opted by the LGBTQ community. “I’m just trying to have a nice time with my family, watch some special streaming categories, maybe enjoy a couple of rainbow-colored items from a local store, but these days Pride seems to be all about gay, trans, and queer individuals coming together to celebrate their identity,” said Barrington, confirming that the group of people pushing back against their history of oppression with a festival of self-affirmation was interfering with his plans to buy a tie-dyed “Ally” shirt from Target and enjoy a specialty Starbucks drink.

Having confirmed the shocking development with numerous top-level sources, a depressed Shams Charania broke the news Thursday that he has absolutely no one. “Per multiple industry insiders, I can confirm that I’ve driven away everyone who ever cared about me in this world, and now I’m all alone with my miserable self,” the dejected, unshaven NBA reporter and insider wrote in a post on X published at 1:17 a.m., adding that while rumors at the beginning of the season had briefly linked him to several casual friendships, those talks ultimately collapsed and left him to languish on the open market despite his having signaled openness to terms on virtually any acquaintanceship structure, even a low-risk, one-year commitment with a mutual opt-out. 

Urging audiences to see his new film on the biggest screen possible, Disclosure Day director Steven Spielberg claimed in an interview Friday that IMAX provided the best way to experience Josh O’Connor’s soulful yet vulnerable eyes. “In order for you to feel swept away in those deep emerald pools the way I intended, you really have to see it in IMAX,” said Spielberg, revealing that he had shot the film with high-resolution IMAX cameras specifically to capture every detail of O’Connor’s simmering gaze.

Saying they saw no reason to limit any potential agricultural use of the flammable combination of gelling agents and gasoline, officials at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency approved napalm as a pesticide Friday. “Following a thorough review, the EPA has found that napalm, with its ability to burn at temperatures exceeding 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit, is highly effective for both weed management and pest control,” said Administrator Lee Zeldin, who sought to assure the public that the highly incendiary liquid, which removes unwanted insects, fungus, rodents, raccoons, and deer with the press of a flamethrower trigger, posed no threat to human health whatsoever.

Scientists may be one step closer to answering the question of whether you are ineloquent or just an asshole after participants in a study of your communication skills confirmed Friday that their crying was not linked to what you said, but to the way you said it. “The words themselves aren’t mean, but your harsh tone makes us feel like you think we’re stupid,” said visibly distressed sources, adding that they would never even consider talking to you like that.

In an effort to attract first-time clientele and bring back old fans, Italian American restaurant chain Olive Garden unveiled its new “We Invented Spaghetti” slogan Friday during a call with investors. “We want Americans to know that when you’re at Olive Garden, you’re not just getting a delicious meal at an unbeatable price, you’re also stepping foot into a little bit of history and seeing where the most popular pasta type in the world originated,” company president John Wilkerson said of the slogan, which will reportedly be rolled out alongside a $35 million television ad campaign that features smiling patrons digging into steaming plates of the long cylindrical pasta while a voiceover intones: “Spaghetti—Olive Garden came up with it. You just get to enjoy it.”

Travelers at the Denver International Airport looked on in envy Thursday at a very lucky elderly woman, who, since her arrival, has been greeted by an airport employee and been pushed around in a wheelchair wherever she wants to go. “Man, she doesn’t have to walk to her gate or anything; I would kill to be her right now,” 32-year-old bystander Neal Bedo said of the fortunate 89-year-old, who is basically being waited on hand and foot and is currently being ushered all the way to the B Terminal, which, according to sources, is pretty far away.