The Onion

Identifying a disturbing behavioral trend likely to have profound health consequences, a study published Wednesday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University found that ultra-processed foods made up over 50% of Americans’ thoughts. “We surveyed more than 20,000 participants across the country, and the data showed they primarily think about sausages, spicy chicken nuggets, and cream-filled snack cakes,” said study co-author Maya Beatty, adding that participants rarely contemplated healthy nuts and seeds and instead focused on white bread and a wide variety of toaster pastries.

Finding consistent results across all types and durations of vacation, from multi-week cruises to brief weekends spent camping, a report released Monday by the University of Maryland revealed that the average person’s enjoyment of their time away from work or school drops 36 percent for each additional family member present. “We studied more than 3,000 vacationing subjects and found that their overall levels of relaxation and satisfaction dropped by more than a third for every parent, sibling, child, aunt, or uncle accompanying them,” said lead researcher Yvonne Ryan, warning that individuals who spent their vacation with three or more family members effectively neutralized any potential enjoyment they could have expected from such a break.

Instituting the health mandate in order to ensure proper acclimation to the reduced gravity of Earth’s only natural satellite, NASA officials announced Wednesday that it would require astronauts in training to drop down to 25 pounds in order to simulate their weight on the moon. “We want to be as thorough as possible in our preparations, so forcing potential astronauts to continuously fast and exercise until they lose most of their body weight is now the first step in training,” said NASA’s flight operations director Grant Haywood, who explained that the lunar surface can be a challenge to navigate because a person weighs less there than they do on Earth, and having previously undergone a sudden and dramatic loss of weight can help ease that transition.

Eyes widening in awe as the 3D-rendered content appeared on his Instagram feed, local 38-year-old Derek Ludlow reported Wednesday that he felt genuinely inspired by an AI-generated video of a lion wearing a Rolex. “Holy shit, this cat’s got a big-ass watch, he’s wearing a tuxedo, and he’s smoking the fattest cigar I’ve ever seen,” Ludlow said to himself as he reposted the highly stylized reel with the caption “GOALS,” accompanied by three diamond emojis.

As an audio recording provided clear instructions on the procedure during pre-flight safety announcements, a flight attendant for Delta Airlines reportedly walked down the aisle of flight 9143 to London Friday demonstrating the correct way to consume one’s fellow passengers following a crash. “In the unlikely event of a water landing, turn to the person sitting nearest you, ensure they have been properly subdued with a strong blow to the head, and then tear into the fat and muscle of their limbs with your teeth,” the recording stated as a Delta crew member walked down the aisle and held up a model of a human arm and shoulder as a visual aid, allowing travelers to see how best to go about pulling hunks of raw flesh away from the bone in an emergency situation.

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Calling the sophomore’s hunger for knowledge “out of control,” officials at Pine Hills High School confirmed Monday that gifted and highly passionate student Sophie Moncrief, 16, is really stretching the school’s resources to their breaking point. “This kid’s got a full slate of classes, including numerous electives and AP courses that require more advanced textbooks and specialized lab supplies, and that’s not even counting her participation in band, choir, and a number of after-school clubs that we’d never even heard of until she petitioned the board for more funding,” said the school’s principal, William Donohue, who explained that while Moncrief’s decision to meet with a math teacher one-on-one to pursue college-level linear algebra was “financially doable,” the school was really being pushed beyond its means by her desire to create and edit a full-length digital film project.

In an announcement that led fans to praise the “perfect casting,” actor Ryan Gosling confirmed Tuesday that he was officially joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe in the role of Stan Lee cameos. “As a lifelong fan of the comics, it’s an honor to take on the mantle of my favorite MCU character, Stanley Lieber, also known by his alter ego, Stan Lee,” said Gosling, who expressed excitement at the “opportunity of a lifetime” to deliver quippy one-liners while dressed up as a hot dog cart worker or mail carrier.

Peeking out through the doorway to address the complaints, local man Hugh Montgomery reportedly said, “We’ll keep it down,” to neighbor Grace Martinez on Monday evening before going back to playing Dance Dance Revolution alone in his apartment. “Yeah, I get that it’s late—we’re really sorry about the racket,” said the sweaty, red-faced Montgomery, who had just beaten his personal record for consecutive steps while completing Dance Dance Revolution A20 ’s “MAX 360” challenge in total solitude.

Insisting the creature’s unusual anatomical structure could create matchup nightmares across the AFC, Travis Kelce reportedly begged Chiefs head coach Andy Reid on Tuesday to sign a friendly extraterrestrial the star tight end had met in the woods.

According to sources, Kelce acknowledged the trembling gray alien lacked formal football experience, an understanding of human language, and legal eligibility to work in the United States, but he maintained that the unearthly being’s four arms, remarkable closing speed, and elongated neck made him worth bringing into training camp.