Inimicality

When I was a teenager, adults said I was making up being bisexual just for attention, that it wasn’t real because I didn’t have a girlfriend, that it was a phase I’d outgrow.

Now I’m an adult and teenagers are being accused of saying they’re trans or nonbinary just for attention, that they shouldn’t be allowed to change how they dress or are spoken about or what they do with their bodies, and also their gender isn’t real because they haven’t done these things already, and their transness is something they’ll outgrow.

Diagnostic systems like the DSM and ICD represent some form of rough scientific consensus about the state of knowledge when it is published. They are living, breathing documents that gets torn to pieces and argued about every few years. Their inclusions are as much about the politics of whose advocacy groups are loudest and who gets what funding as the actual “science” involved.

Groups of people who are classified under these systems–let’s say, autistic people–have to pay very close attention to how their disorders are defined and written about, because those definitions deeply affect their basic quality of life. DSM definitions can control who gets treatment, what kind, and for how long. They control who gets put into stigmatized groups that can be discriminated against, who can be held against their will or subjected to treatment they don’t consent to, who can lose their children or housing, who gets legal rights and who doesn’t.

We cannot just sit back and let a bunch of shrinks tell us who we are and what’s good for us (I say this as a shrink as well as a mentally ill bisexual). We have to be informed, passionate critics of the science and politics in play, because the DSM or ICD are not Big Science Daddies who go around magically intuiting who’s Valid or not. They’re human people who sit in conference rooms talking about whether or not millions of people whose experiences they mostly don’t share get to live real lives.

50 years ago, being gay, lesbian, and bi were VERY MUCH diagnosable neurological disorders. They were, in fact, personality disorders–lifelong and incurable pathologies that rendered someone unfit for full participation in human society. I recommend that you read the history of how they were removed, to give you a sense of exactly how scientific this process is sometimes.

The biggest reason something is diagnosable is BILLING. We need DSM and ICD codes because in the USA, health insurance companies will use any excuse possible to deny people healthcare. If they could, health care companies would say, “We won’t give people gender confirmation surgeries! What’s next? Perfectly healthy people demanding boob jobs and facelifts? This is absolutely ridiculous. We refuse to provide surgeries that aren’t needed.”

So gender dysphoria is in the DSM the way it is because that’s the argument to use against health insurance companies: “If you won’t do this, this person will suffer incredible pain and possibly even die.” In countries where healthcare is a lot more readily accessible, like Denmark, this medical definition isn’t necessary because you can get the surgery if you need it WITHOUT a diagnosis of dysphoria.

This isn’t an argument made because the brains of trans people with dysphoria are actually deeply different from the brains of trans people without it. It’s an argument made because we are trying to argue a deeply inhuman system into giving people the care they need to survive. There is a lot to criticize in the current system.

me: what does that even mean, Im so bored *immediately scrolls past*

creepypasta title: every house on my block got a new antenna last night

First of all- take a second to breathe. You are in a terrible situation, but you are strong and resilient and you have $7,000 in savings. You WILL get through this! Also you have more money than both my boyfriend and I put together currently, and we rent an apartment with 2 cats. You can do it!

I have a few questions for you-

1. Do you have a job?

2. Do you want to attend a university?

3. Are you opposed to living with roommates?

I get a lot of questions about this. Here are some steps that you can take while still living in your parents house, steps that will help you work towards getting a place of your own. Stay strong! You’ll get through this.

1. Important Documents. Get as many of your important documents (social security card, birth certificate, tax forms, etc) as possible while you’re still living with your parents. You will need this information when you move out, and it may be harder for you to get these documents after you’ve moved out.

2. Get a job. If you’re still in school, limit yourself to a part-time job that can become a full-time job when you finish your education. You can’t save up money if you don’t have a job, and this will just force you to be dependent on your parents financially. 

3. Get transportation. Get yourself a mode of transportation that does not rely on your parents. Biking, walking, and using public transportation are all ways that you can get where you need to be without their help. You cannot rely on any car that’s in their name (even if they call it “your” car). I’ve had multiple friends dealing with difficult parents have their cars taken away from them in an attempt to further control their lives. 

4. Start saving money. Even if this just means saving $100 every two weeks, this is still a great start! 

5. Separate bank account. Speaking of saving money, get yourself a bank account that your parents don’t have access to. A friend of mine tried to move out of her home and her parents literally moved all her money into their account because they had joint access. If you cannot get a separate bank account, start saving money in cash in a good hiding spot.

6. Start paying for your own devices. You do not want your parents to be able to threaten to take your phone away if they don’t like the choices you’re making. You should also change any passwords on devices that your parents may know.

7. Utilize resources that get you out of the house. There are lots of spaces that you can hang out after school for free, including public parks and libraries. Join clubs and volunteer your time if you can’t stand being home.

8. File as independent on your taxes. We’re a while away from tax season, but remember to file as independent on your taxes. This means that your parents can no longer claim you as a dependent and will no longer receive a tax break from the government for housing you. What it means for you, is that you will no longer be considered part of their tax bracket. This means you’ll have a better chance at applying for financial aid, health insurance, car insurance, etc.

9. Involve your college. If you’re looking to go to university sometime in the future but are afraid you can’t afford it, find out if your college has any programs for independent students. Many SUNY schools have what is called the EOP Program and the Independent Student Program, which will pay for your college tuition based off your independent tax status. You cannot rely entirely on FAFSA to pay for your tuition! Talk to a school counselor and find out what is offered. PS: Many of these programs are first-semester admit only, so take that into consideration.

10. Keep your housing search a secret. I hate to generalize with parenting, but if your parents are threatening to throw you out or are forcing you to move out, it’s probably not a good idea to let them know that you’re going to move out. Oddly enough, two of my friends who have been in this very same situation got ready to move out of their respective homes, only to have their parents freak out. Even if your parents are saying that they’re going to force you to move out, they may not believe that you actually can and will do it. They may try to stop you or use emotional tactics to control you and keep you home. When you do move out- do not under any circumstance tell them your address.

11. Build your support system. Tell as many trustworthy people as you can what is happening, so that they can be there to support you during this time. You’ll have places to crash in if you need to, so your parent’s house isn’t your only option. I would try to tell at least one “Adult” in your life- a teacher, a counselor, your employer, etc. Obviously you don’t want them talking to your parents, but they may be able to offer support and confidence. 

12. Decide on an apartment budget. Decide what you can afford, based off of how much money you’re making. Find out if any of your friends are going to get their own place, and see if you can find a roommate. This will save you so much money and headache in the long run. If you can’t find a roommate and can’t afford an apartment, look into renting a room in a house or shared space.

13. Learn some life skills. Cooking, cleaning, sewing, basic repair, car maintenance, laundry, etc are all useful skills that you will need when you move out. Start mastering them now, and you’ll feel more confident when on your own.

14. Discount stores. Get familiar with shopping for yourself at discount stores. While shopping at the Dollar Store may not be ideal for you, I recommend that you buy all your starter groceries and household supplies there. Off-brand items will save you $$!

15. Make plans for pets. Do not leave your pets at your parent’s house. If you can’t move them into your new place, find a friend who can pet sit until you find a more comfortable situation. Do not let your parents hold your pets over your head as emotional leverage!

16. Be prepared to buy new furniture. Your parents may not allow you to take any furniture with you when you move. Be prepared to spend some money on things like mattresses, tables, cooking supplies, etc. Peruse local yard sales and bargain bins to see if you can scavenge any supplies. Hit up your friends and coworkers to see if they have any furniture/supplies they’re not using. Honestly this is how I got half of the furniture in my apartment.

17. Try to keep it positive. Throughout all of this, please remember that your parents do love you, even if they’re not expressing it in a positive way. Be above toxic behavior and any emotional bullying they may throw your way, and when you do move out try to let them know that you love them and hope they will support you. They may ignore you or refuse to talk to you for some time after you move out, and this is okay. They will eventually get to the point where they miss your contact, and you should be prepared for that opportunity to start fresh. I’ve known people whose relationship with their parents has improved 100% after they move out. Some personalities are just not meant to live together. Give them the time they need to adjust, and be proud of yourself for everything you’ve done!

The Great Smudge - Table Cat

Rewatching Avatar the Last Airbender as a young adult has just been one long heart-aching realisation of just how young even the “older members of the Gaang are

Sokka’s looked up to as the big brother of the group and he’s taller than the younger members of the group in most shots, so you forget he’s an actual fourteen year old child - 

- until shots like this (Sokka’s Master, 3x4) 

LOOK AT HIM. LOOK AT THE SMOL BEAN.  

HE’S JUST A CHILD WHO NEEDS THE PRESENCE OF A FATHER FIGURE

Look at Sokka’s puppy eyes seeking Piandao’s approval 

Piandao, holding back a sigh: “You added a rainbow.”