not a porn blog

if missionaries show up at your door, don’t let them proselytize to you, but at least offer them a safe place if you have it. a lot of them are going to be far, far away from family, questioning their faith for the first time and spitting in their face and slamming the door will only push them further back into the cult.

The abortion went very well. I did an in-clinic procedure (as opposed to pills) and opted for local pain relief only (anesthesia cost more and we're very broke). It did hurt pretty bad, but only for a minute or two, and definitely nowhere near the pain levels of giving birth.

Consent was a huge deal throughout my appointment. I was asked if I wanted a step-by-step overview of what was going to happen. I was informed that it would hurt. When I had the ultrasound before the procedure, I was asked if I wanted to see it, if I wanted to know how far along I was, and if I wanted to know how many embryos there were. I was asked if I wanted to hold a funeral. I was asked and warned before every touch.

(While I was medically interested in seeing the ultrasound and removed embryo, I've made some bad choices in the name of medical curiosity in the past, so I declined everything except hearing how far along I was, since I wasn't quite sure on that. It turns out my estimate was correct - 7 weeks.)

The nurse held my hand the whole time (I didn't have a support person available) and she was so comforting. Throughout check in, education, the procedure, and recovery, I think I spoke with 6 or 7 people and every single one was the perfect mix of friendly and clinical. I anxiously chatted with everyone and not a single person made me feel bad for it.

I was given all the time I needed to get over the worst of the dizziness, clean myself up, and get dressed so I could move to the recovery room where I got a heating pad, juice, and a snack. 15 minutes later, we checked on my bleeding and I was free to go.

I think my only complaints about the whole experience would be the wait time (about 2 hours) and the fact that the music they played in the waiting room was pretty loud. If I had wanted to say something quietly to a person sitting next to me, I would have had to get very close to their ear in order to not have to project.

Since leaving, I've had minimal bleeding and cramping and was only pretty dizzy for the first 20 minutes or so. I did have a moment after eating dinner where I moved too fast and felt like I pulled something internal just above my pubic bone, but that was about four hours ago and I haven't felt anything there since.

Over the past couple of weeks, I had already developed some pregnancy symptoms- nausea, fatigue, difficulty brushing teeth, bad taste in my mouth, breast tenderness, heartburn, and constipation. I was warned that some of these may continue for a couple more weeks, but most of them are already starting to get better. I still feel a general blargh-ness, but the lessened nausea is really helping my mood.

Emotionally, there were a few times where I wished my mom, husband, or even my toddler had been able to be there, but that nurse that held my hand was a pretty good stand-in. I do feel just a touch bad about not being able to continue the pregnancy, but logically, I know I couldn't have handled it and certainly couldn't have handled either raising another child nor surrendering one. As emotional as I've been because of the pregnancy hormones, I haven't even come close to crying about it.

a lot of cults burn really quick and fast, and die out in a few years, or a few decades, but the ones that last for generations screw up whole families and cultures of people in horrific ways.

trickle down abuse. multi level marketing abuse. my parents were not abusive. but they were, because they raised me in a cult. my parents were not abusive. but I was raised in a cult, which is in itself, inherently abusive. my parents chose to raise me said cult. but both of them were generational cult babies just like I was.

do I blame my parents? no... maybe.

It's way more complicated than anything I could ever answer. Can I blame them for how they hurt my siblings but not for how they hurt me? do I even blame them for how they hurt my siblings or am I just angry?

how can I rationalize the amount of trauma and baggage I carry, and will carry for the rest of my stupid fucking life, because of what they perpetuated?