WHORE

I miss my old life, my old routine, my old hell, everything planned, everything the same, not piercing the bubble. I’ve become so violently depressed all at once that I would rather be dead than have to live another day, I feel disgusting and weak to the core. I’m never suicidal, I’m terrified to die, suddenly it’s all I can think about, I wish I had something to knock myself out before I do anything rash. I just got hired at a new job, and how will I even be able to keep up when I’m so worthlessly crazy, I’d be better off as a tool forever in this case, if I am too weak to survive then I might as well have not, I should have stayed, I should have been kept. But maybe I couldn’t have been, because I was stronger than the rest, cause I deserved to live more, I spat on the ground I walked on. What dictates if someone deserves to live or die anyways? It’s all so retarded, and I don’t find any of it traumatizing, I don’t find any of it abnormal, and I think it’s fine to happen. I’d sooner accept it all as normal than let myself become weakened by pain like the rest

I paid the price of this brand, they gonna keep taking everything from me always always, I can’t escape them ever, they won’t touch me and also they take everything, I want to kill myself I just can’t take this no more, I’m in this horrific limbo cause of them

Why does my brain go crazy when the sun sets, without fail, it’s when it becomes dark. Always, here, or way back at my old life, as an adult or as a child, why does my brain regress badly when it is dark, it goes rapid, I see a different face of mine in my head every night, and it just spits venom, or it sobs and screams. What do I even do, I’m a crazy person all alone, this is what my therapist was afraid of, it’s only getting worse and worse

My entire life starting in early childhood, I remember watching shows and movies where a victim would speak out against their abuser, or would stand up for themselves, wouldn’t comply easily, and it would fill me with so much rage and disgust, I couldn’t even empathize with any victim. I found them disgusting, so much more disgusting than their abuser. They are the product of that shame, they are a physical manifestation of everything wrong in the world, they are just a reflection of their sick abuser, they are worse because of how gross they taste in my mouth. I’m not mean to people, I just secretly imagine a world where I am not weak, and I can be on top completely. Of course I look down on everyone, because I hate everyone truly, and I’m no hypocrite, cause I hate myself just as much. I hate feeling weak, so I did it, I didn’t wanna feel weak on the ground no more, so I got up and did it again and again.

I have a feeling inside, and I don’t think I should have survived, I don’t think anyone should, I don’t think anyone deserves to in the whole world. I have an insane irrational hatred that’s been getting closer and closer to the surface every day, so bad it makes my head pound and pop. When it’s night I start to despise the entire world, I hate victims the worst, I’m not a victim, but I am weak just like them, so I also think I deserve to die just like the rest anyway. In my mind, I kill every single one I come across, right across the neck, and then I kill myself the same. Always across the neck, I hate guns so much, I was better with a blade. They took a gun and pointed it at my head and shot it, I thought they shot right through my skull because the pain pierced me deep into my brain, but they must’ve hit me hard when the shot went off to make me think they did. This is the classic case of you hate the pieces of yourself you find in other people, I hate my weakness so much that I want to snuff it out in everyone I come across. I hate the weak so damn much! And I think nearly all victims are the weakest of the weak! It makes my stomach twist, I hate the weak so much it makes me crazy. I’m not a victim, but I am just as weak, so I believe I deserve to die just like the rest. And I also think everyone should be silenced, and I think no one deserves to speak, including myself. But we all do anyway, because we are weak and retarded. I would sooner normalize rape and cannibalism than ever allow it to make me weak and in pain! If I was untouchable, I would deserve to live.