DBT support

this is just so helpful and freeing to think about

doing the best you can AND trying to do better

i’ve been seeing a lot of topics like “how to deal with someone who has bpd” and it always bothers me, because there is basically no topics about how to deal if YOU have bpd. that’s why i’m making this post, in my opinion as someone who has bpd. feel free to leave other tips and comment!

buy a notepad and write about your emotions. in DBT (dialectical behavior therapy), used a lot to help people with BPD, they tend to help others to regulate their emotions, basing on some principles, like:

identify and classify emotions; usually, people with BPD suffered/suffer from emotional abuse and it makes harder for us to have a knowledge about our feelings, since we never had someone to help us in this aspect. if you have hard times dealing with your emotions, you can create a special organization on your notepad, basing on: what just happened that could be a possibly trigger to your feeling? (EVEN IF IT’S SOMETHING MINOR, for example, if your friend replied to you in a different way, if you saw an image that made you feel uncomfortable); what are your physical symptoms about it? (for example, if you feel butterflies in your stomach, you are possibly anxious); what does this feeling make you want to do? (for example, if you feel like you want to hit something, you are possibly experiencing anger). and, also, try to identify your primary and secondary emotions, for example, if a friend forgets about an event that you would go together, first you may feel anger, but this anger can be followed by frustation or sadness (secondary emotions).

how to “change” your emotions; after writing about your emotions and trying to learn about them, you can add a subject in your notepad about “WHAT CAN I DO TO CHANGE THIS FEELING”. your first thoughts may be pessimists, specially because borderlines are VERY impulsives, like “i should probably self-harm” or even “i should probably kill myself”, due to the intensity of bpd emotions, but right now, you have to think with your rationality. for example, if your friend is delaying to reply, you can think about the possibilities that are causing this problem: if they are busy, if they are having a hard time or if they just don’t want to talk right now. after thinking about the situation as a whole, you’ll ask yourself “okay, but what will i do?” and that’s why i think it’s important to create a list about what makes you happy and what distracts you, so everytime you have a hard situation to deal with, you can check on your list. “oh, i’m having x problem, but in my list it says that painting makes me happy, so what about painting something i saw today?”. if you don’t have anything that you like about, there is an app called Calm Harm, that can help you in self-harm situations!

increase and improve positive emotional events; i know that it’s difficult for us to focus on positive moments, but once you are feeling down, please try to write about what happened in your day that was a good thing. and when i say it, i don’t mean a BIG thing, it can be something like seeing a flower in your garden. write about your sensations when your experienced this moment and think about the possibility of living this moment more than once. for example, if i saw a flower and it made me happy, can i try to plant one, so i’ll see it more often?

apply pressure tolerance techniques; by distraction, self-care, improving the moment and considering pros and cons.

SO, in your notepad, have a space to: first, identify and classify your emotions; second, a space to write about how to change your emotions; third, a space to write about positive emotional events and fourth, write about what pressure tolerance techniqures you can apply to your life. 

practice saying no and saying what you need to the people around you; sometimes people with BPD tend to think that we are a burden to friends and family, and sometimes it’s not true. due to it, we often don’t tell what we really want. so, if you could, please, practice saying NO and what you REALLY need and want to people around you, even if it’s minor things. for example, if someone asks you to lunch with them, but you can’t/don’t want to, don’t let your abandonment fear decides what it’s the best for you, just say no, but not in the intention to hurt the other person. “i’m sorry, i really like you, but i can’t or don’t want to, since i have to do x thing/feeling x thing, but i really like you!”. when you say no, you can have a better idea about what you like and what you don’t, so you can start to let people know about it. for example, “hey! yesterday i said no when you invited me for lunch, so i realized i don’t really like going to public places, what about having lunch in my house next time?”

practice breathing techniques; intense emotions can lead us to panic situations or really bad physical symptoms. in stressing moments, we hold the air, increasing the level of carbon dioxide in our system, so the organism thinks we need more oxygen and make us breathe faster. the imbalance increases our heart beats, our blood pressure and the release of hormones such as adrenaline. i recommend ASMR videos to relax and you can breathe slowly, imagining a circle opening and closing, like the gif:

the post is getting long, so i’ll finish here! i’ll probably post a part two if you guys like! please leave a comment if it was helpful and i’m sorry if my grammar wasn’t very correct, english is not my native language.

Remember, IF you want to unlearn some traits, you have to Re-Parent yourself. That also means; being kind to yourself, being patient with yourself and baby steps is key in healing.

Here's some info, for more about Re-Parent yourself.

Part one

Part two

What is Interpersonal Effectiveness?

Interpersonal effectiveness skills give you the needed tools to better express and seek out your needs, set limits, and negotiate conflicts – all while protecting your relationships and without anger or coercive efforts for control. The main goals of learning interpersonal effectiveness skills include: 

Being skillful in getting your needs met:

Get others to do things you would like them to do

Get others to take your opinions and feelings seriously

Effectively say no to unwanted requests

Building healthy relationships and end destructive ones:

Strengthen current relationships

Don't let problems and hurt build up

Use relationships skills to fight problems head on

Repair relationships when needed

Resolve conflicts before they get overwhelming

Find and build new relationships

End hopeless, destructive, or unhealthy relationships

Walking the middle path:

Create and maintain balance in relationships

Balance and accept changes in relationships

Passive VS Aggressive Behaviour and Communication Styles

The way in which you communicate your needs and feelings to the people in your life plays an important role in the health of your relationships. A more passive communication style can result in your needs not being met and feelings not being heard, while a more aggressive communication style can result in the other person feeling judged, unwanted, fearful, and unsatisfied with the relationship. Patterns of unhealthy communication will end up being very painful for both you and the other person.

Passiveness: 

You consistently give in to others and abandon your own needs, creating frustration and resentment that builds inside of you

You believe you are protecting your relationships in the short term by going along with what the other person expects; long term, however, the relationship takes a shape you can't stand – and you have to destroy it to stop the pain

Aggressiveness:

You tend to care about meeting your own needs and goals first, regardless of the needs of other people

You can be verbally aggressive when communicating with other people and you try to control others. This leaves other people feeling intimidated, hurt, or bitter

Passive-Aggressiveness:

You may tend to express your emotions, thoughts, and needs in indirect ways, and you may not express your anger in a clear way

You might use sarcasm or the silent treatment

This style can leave other people confused or feeling like they've been manipulated

What is your communication style? DBT EXERCISE

Figuring out what your main communication style is can help determine which areas of communication you most need to work on. For each section below, check off each option that you feel accurately describes you. The style for which you have the most checks is the communication style you most often use:

The “I Want–They Want” Scale

Every relationship consists of two people trying to get what they need and want. Sometimes those two people need the same thing (ex: companionship, affection, calm) and it's easy. But when those people need different things at the same time, or when one of them needs something the other doesn't want to give, conflict starts. If the “I want-they want” scale is unbalanced, your relationship becomes unstable and deteriorates. For a relationship to succeed, both parties must be able to do the following:

Know what you need out of the other person. This is easier said than done, but it is a vital part of maintaining a relationship

Notice cues that signal what the other person needs, listen to the other person when they express their needs, or actively seek out knowledge of what they need

Negotiate compromises so that you can get at least some of what you want

Negotiate compromises so that you can give the other person at least some of what they want

Your Interpersonal Values – DBT EXERCISE

Your interpersonal values are, for lack of a better term, your heart's deepest desires for how you want to behave in relationships. They dictate your expectations for how you and others deserve to be treated and are the foundation for setting interpersonal goals and boundaries with yourself and others. 

To determine your interpersonal values, ask yourself:

Things to keep in mind and to practise:

1: Relationships require attention and commitment

Whether its a friend, coworker, or partner, maintaining a good relationship depends on noticing the other person's feelings and reactions

Paying attention means staying in the here and now – not thinking about what you want to say next or focusing on a past memory. It’s important to remain present and to focus on what you see, hear, and sense emotionally from the other person

When you pay attention, you are more likely to notice a problem or conflict arising before it overwhelms you, and also gain time to ask clarifying questions that can help you correct misconceptions

2: Observe and Describe

Observe the other person's facial expressions, body language, tone of voice, and choice of words during a conversation to get a fix on the mood and state of the relationship. This can sometimes be challenging, especially if the person in question is not very expressive or for example if they or you are autistic. It's okay if you can't always tell by body language and it’s also okay to directly ask someone how they are feeling towards you and your relationship if you are unsure of the current situation

3: Watch your own experiences in relation to others

Pay attention to what you are feeling and needing. Do you need something from the other person (ex: more attention, some help, some space)? Do you need to change some element of the process between you (ex: critical comments, demands, or intrusive questioning)? Are you experiencing feelings that may help signal something important that you need (ex: feeling hurt, sadness, loss, shame, or anxiety)?

Being able to sit down and notice your feelings can help you identify what needs to change in a relationship before you blow up or run away

4: Be aware of the costs of not paying attention

Not paying attention to both yourself and the other person is a major cause of many issues in a relationship. You may miss vital cues about the other person's needs and feelings, you may inaccurately project your own fears and feelings onto the other person, or you may blow up when caught off guard by a response that could have been predicted 

TIPP

Use this skill when you are overwhelmed by intense emotions or are feeling the urge to self-injure.

*If you’re in crisis and are having suicidal thoughts please call a Crisis Hotline! (Call 988 in the US)

T - Temperature: To relax fast or distract your mind with sensation, hold an ice pack to your cheeks or eyes or dunk your face in a bowl of ice water for at least 30 seconds to activate your Diver Reflex*.

*If you have high blood pressure, talk to your doctor before trying.

I - Intense Exercise: Doing a few minutes of vigorous exercise will release Endorphins. Try a few minutes of Jumping Jacks or running in place (or around the block). Play your favorite fast paced song and dance it out.

P - Paced Breathing: Breathe deeply into your belly, expanding your lungs as much as you can. Pace your inhales and exhales to 5-6 per minute. Then make your exhales longer than your inhales (5 seconds in, 7 seconds out).

*Try a 60 bpm Metronome track from your music streaming app or YouTube for pacing.

P - Paired Muscle Relaxation: Breathing deeply, tense your muscles (not so much that you cramp up) section by section, move your focus from your feet up your body. Tense up with every inhale, relaxing and melting with every exhale.

In order to ground and use coping skills, the most beneficial tool accessible is the concept of emotional safety & security.

What emotional safety and security looks like:

am I safe enough in this moment?

Is there something safe I can look at?

Is there something safe I can listen to?

Is there something safe I can feel?

Is there something safe I can think about?

Have I done this before?

Can I do it again?

What are the steps?

What do I do if I can't do it?

How do I comfort myself through this moment?

How do I feel about myself during these moments?

How do I feel about my successes?

How do I feel about my failures?

What are my self fulfilling prophecies?

How aware am I of my past interfering with my present?

What are my triggers?

What are my disengaging strategies for when I feel triggered?

What are my coping skills?

What are my safety plans?

Is there someone safe I can talk to?

Is there something new I can try that helps me feel safe?

What does feeling safe mean to me?

What types of things make me feel safest?

What types of memories make me feel safe and warm?

Who makes me feel safest?

What can I do to make myself feel safer?

Sometimes it's not necessarily the coping skills but rather the lack of emotional safety and stability, aka the presence of chaos, in our lives that prevent us from using the coping skills. This becomes the obstacle.

In these moments it can be beneficial to reinforce the emotional safety and stability by addressing the darkness in some direct way.

"This [insert chaos here] is a trigger. I feel _____ when I am triggered. This trigger hurts me. I don't like engaging with this trigger, so I will [insert coping skills here] when I encounter this trigger."

Mantras, deep breathing, and other coping skills, something to directly call it out and bring awareness to the panic and anxiety of feeling fear and unsafe during these moments can help increase the awareness of why the coping skills are necessary and needed in these moments.

Then we sit with the discomfort of needing to change the environment, change the chaos into peace, and try something new. Sitting with this discomfort can give you a foundation to build something new with.

Hope this might help 🌟

🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟

🌟 Gold star effort 🌟

Helpful resources for all your Dialectical Behaviour Therapy needs! I will be updating this post as I find more.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by M. McKay, J. Wood and J. Brantley : A clear and concise guide to the basics of learning DBT skills.

The DBT Travel Guide app on the App Store and on Google Play: Quick list of DBT skills to try for your specific emotion, also includes an interface for diary cards.

DBTSelfHelp.com: A variety of tools including videos, articles, flash cards, DBT skills, etc.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy Official Site

Therapist Aid DBT Worksheets

DBT Tools: An index of DBT skills.

Thought I’d share some Deep Breathing gifs that I’ve found helpful to focus on when I need something tangible to calm myself. Just found these in a Google search, there’s so many others but these were the ones I’ve used in the last year.

This interpersonal effectiveness skill helps you assert your boundaries, and get yourself heard and understood.

D: Describe

Describe the current situation (if necessary). Stick to the facts. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.

Example: “You told me you would be home by dinner but you didn’t get here until 11.”

E: Express

Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel.

Use phrases such as “I want” instead of “You should,” “I don’t want” instead of “You shouldn’t.”

Example: “When you come home so late, I start worrying about you.”

A: Assert

Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Do not assume that others will figure out what you want. Remember that others cannot read your mind.

Example: “I would really like it if you would call me when you are going to be late.”

R: Reinforce

Reinforce (reward) the person ahead of time (so to speak) by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need. Remember also to reward desired behavior after the fact.

Example: “I would be so relieved, and a lot easier to live with, if you do that.”

M: stay Mindful

Keep your focus on your goals. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted. Don’t get off the topic.

“Broken record”: Keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over and over. Just keep replaying the same thing again and again.

Ignore attacks: If another person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Do not respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point.

Example: “I would still like a call.”

A: Appear confident

Appear effective and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating. No saying, “I’m not sure,” etc.

N: Negotiate

Be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Say no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.

Turn the tables: Turn the problem over to the other person. Ask for other solutions.

Example: “How about if you text me when you think you might be late?” “What do you think we should do? . . . I can’t just stop worrying about you [or I’m not willing to].”

More tips

Describe the current interaction.

If the “broken record” and ignoring don’t work, make a statement about what is happening between you and the person now, but without imputing motives.

Example: “You keep asking me over and over, even though I have already said no several times,” or “It is hard to keep asking you to empty the dishwasher when it is your month to do it.”

Not: “You obviously don’t want to hear what I am saying,” “You obviously don’t care about me,” “Well, it’s obvious that what I have to say doesn’t matter to you,” “Obviously you think I’m stupid.”

Express feelings or opinions about the interaction.

For instance, in the middle of an interaction that is not going well, you can express your feelings of discomfort in the situation.

Example: “I am sorry I cannot do what you want, but I’m finding it hard to keep discussing it,” or “It’s becoming very uncomfortable for me to keep talking about this, since I can’t help it. I am starting to feel angry about it,” or “I’m not sure you think this is important for you to do.”

Not: “I hate you!”, “Every time we talk about this, you get defensive,” “Stop patronizing me!”

Assert wishes in the situation.

When another person is pestering you, you can ask them to stop it. When a person is refusing a request, you can suggest that you put the conversation off until another time. Give the other person a chance to think about it.

Example: “Please don’t ask me again. My answer won’t change,” or “OK, let’s stop discussing this now and pick it up again sometime tomorrow,” or “Let’s cool down for a while and then get together to figure out a solution.”

Not: “Would you shut up?” “You should do this!”, “You should really calm down and do what’s right here.”

Reinforce.

When you are saying no to someone who keeps asking, or when someone won’t take your opinion seriously, suggest ending the conversation, since you aren’t going to change your mind anyway. When trying to get someone to do something for you, you can suggest that you will come up with a better offer later.

Example: “Let’s stop talking about this now. I’m not going to change my mind, and I think this is just going to get frustrating for both of us,” or “OK, I can see you don’t want to do this, so let’s see if we can come up with something that will make you more willing to do it.”

Not: “If you don’t do this for me, I’ll never do anything for you ever again,” “If you keep asking me, I’ll get a restraining order against you,” “Gosh, you must be a terrible person for not doing this / for asking me to do this.”

Check out therapistaid.com. There’s worksheets there that you can download for free.

Of course it would be a lot more beneficial if you have a therapist to help you through it but not everyone has access to one.

It’s a free site where you can have free downloads of worksheets on many things.

If there’s something there that you think would be helpful, print it out and complete the worksheet on your own.

https://psychologytools.com/

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/

https://www.actmindfully.com.au/free_resources_worksheets,_handouts_and_book_chapters

https://www.anxietybc.com/

http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm