(note: I have no romantic or sexualized experience myself, so I admit *some* of these points rely entirely on secondhand stuff and media)
One thing I think is not talked about very much is that straight men live pretty much desexualized lives if weāre not actually having sex at that moment, and then thereās not much room to be the object rather than subject.
As Iāve said before, we men donāt have clothing options for ādressing sexyā in masculine clothing (there is cross dressing but that is different). Thereās no male equivalent to the short skirt or low cut top. Thereās no male lingerie that isnāt seen as a joke.
Further, we just donāt get validation for our sexuality outside of a sexual partner. We are almost never complimented for our looks or sexiness from platonic friends like women are, especially same sex friends.
There really arenāt many straight male role models for raw aesthetic sexiness in mainstream culture (besides unnaturally muscled men). In fiction, male characters are almost never attractive for embodying sexiness but rather for doing things (saving the world, being extremely witty, being a genius, winning the tournament, etc.). Their sexiness is non-aesthetic and sometimes is in spite of their aesthetics.
Anecdotally, it seems like a lot of men arenāt even called physically hot and sexy by their own sexual partners, who themselves focus on personality. Thereās not much room to fulfill the role of passive sexism object for you partner for many/most men.
I think it is telling that a lot of porn for men ignores the manās personality and has a woman just throwing themselves at the man, overcome with lust.
Also there the fact that women seem to rarely approach men and some seem to often expect the man to do most of the sexual escalation, especially in the early stages.
We talk about women of color or women who are disabled being sexualized, but we donāt talk about how all straight men are desexualized and denied the ability to be sexualized object.
oh my godā¦ thatās why they send dick pics
āwitness me!ā
There are occasional reddit threads about things like this: āguys who send unsolicited dick pics, why do you do it?ā
The answer always seems to be some combination of slot machine mentality (āmaybe this one will like it, and make the other 50 worthwhileā) and a desire for witness. Surprising numbers of people admit that itās validation even if the reaction is negative, simply because theyāre still being viewed in a totally sexual context.
At the very least that has obvious consequences for people trying to reduce dick pic sending. Thereās some core of people who canāt possibly be reached with āitās not attractive to womenā because that was never their expectation.
More broadly, I think efforts to get (Western?) men to emphasize with objectification wildly underestimate the challenge theyāre facing. Itās not just a sympathy shortage, itās a totally unfamiliar feeling. Making things even harder, itās a feeling a lot of men say they wish they could have.
The usual narrative on not (politely) complimenting the appearance of unknown women is āsure, itās nice if it happens once, but think about how annoyed youād be if it happened all the timeā. Fine in general terms, but I think a lot of men donāt have any way to intuit the emotional difference between too-frequent compliments and being pestered with too much of something totally innocuous like requests for the date.
The comments on those articles are frequently from men saying theyāve literally never received a single compliment from a stranger on their appearance, and canāt imagine what it would be like. The ones who have are often talking about a single, years-old compliment they still cherish. Thatās not a framework that supports more than a purely theoretical understanding of whatās itās like to be valued for your appearance too heavily - or at all.
Obviously thatās not universal, any more than all women are catcalled, but it seems like a really serious communication failure to appeal to a sense of objectification that much of your audience has literally never felt, and desperately wants.
Reblogged because thefutureoneandall describes exactly why I have trouble empathizing with feminism columnists.
Can confirm, Iād take literally any compliment on anything at this point, and would cherish it.
one day we gotta get all the men and all the women to sit down together and hash this stuff out between them, how hard can it be.
This discussion kind of reminds me of a story that made the rounds about a year ago, where a woman, after having gotten a bit tired with dick pics, decided to try to get her ārevengeā of sorts, by sending unsolicited vagina pics to 40 random men:
https://www.thrillist.com/sex-dating/los-angeles/we-sent-a-preemptive-v-pic-before-dudes-could-send-dick-pics-heres-what-happened
Letās be honest: while I enjoy penises, I donāt necessarily want unexpected visual boners intruding on my day. I wondered, āWhat would guys do if I turned the tables and sent them an unexpected vagina pic?ā And so, in my own twist on revenge porn, I sent 40 unexpected vagina pics to men on Bumble.
This ā¦ didnāt work out the way she apparently expected it to:
Overall, I was surprised that I didnāt get my, āGotcha!ā moment. Iād initially hoped the guys would see how invasive it is to receive such intimate photos from a stranger. When Iām excited to get to know a guy, his penis isnāt the first part of him that I want to know. But given that men like to send dick pics, I suppose their enthusiasm for v-pics makes sense.
So, basically, women experience dick picks as a net negative, as an intimacy violation, while men experience v-pics as a huge positive, as validation and an indicator of interest.
This seems consistent with the above discussion, where itās a pretty common male experience to basically never receive any sexual attention ever and thus respond really strongly positively to whatever scraps come their way (or to start trolling for attention - with the point of some of these dick pics apparently being to get any attention at all, no matter how hostile), while a common female experience seems to be more like being flooded with unwanted sexual attention and wanting a way to make it stop -
resulting in an absolutely massive inferential gap - with the result that if youāre on one side of the gap and try to describe your feelings and experiences to the people on the other side, whatever words you have will just fall on deaf ears because the feeling and experiences you describe are ā¦ not just unfamiliar, but outright alien, to the ones on the other side.
This alienness is ā¦ mutual.
For men, it feels like no men are sexy to women.
For women, it feels like all women are sexy to men.
Itās like one person dying of dehydration watching another one drown.
āItās like one person dying of dehydration watching another one drown.ā
the conversation has gotten longer, so iām reblogging
ā¦ This is so cool. It actually makes sense.
but of course women are wary of just giving men compliments, because attention-starved men are likely to take it as a come-on. what a dilemma.
So what Iām getting from thisā¦ Is that my idea of taking popular types of fiction and essentially āflipping the scriptā so that there are sexy male characters as ādamsel in distressā types would actually be very good and help a lot of people become comfortable with their sexuality?
it could well! iām not the guy to answer this really, iām queer and also iāve always been pretty comfortable with being the one giving the compliments (and just asking for validation when i need it). but i do think thereās a place in the world for fiction where The Sexy One is male.
consider chris hemsworth in ghostbusters. that oneās a bit mean-spirited, with him being hilariously clueless, but youāve got that dynamic where what he contributes is, heās hot. thatās it. and i found it kind of a breath of fresh air, not because it was a fuck-you to sexist tropes, but because itās never, ever enough for a guy to be attractive, but here it was, and that was fun to see.
i once thoughtlessly complimented a guy on his jacket, because he and his friend rounded the corner and suddenly i was confronted with an extremely handsome young man in a very fashionable black leather jacket, and i blurted outĀ āwhoah, nice jacket, youāre looking good!ā and the look on his face was just this explosion of surprise and delightā he actually kind of missed a step. the next minute i was like shit shit SHIT what if things get weird JEEZĀ but he and his friend were already walking past, and his friend just started laughing. kind of thisĀ āwhoah, cool, what the hellā laugh, and when i glanced back theyād both kind of lit up and were elbowing each other as they walked away. i was extremely relieved to have like dodged a bullet ofĀ āif you let a man know you are attracted to them at close range GOD KNOWS WHATāS GONNA HAPPEN BUT ITāS GONNA BE OBNOXIOUS PROBABLYā and then also pleased that iād made that guyās day. but also like. i guess now iām realizing i probably made that guyās decadeā¦Ā
i wish it was more common to compliment peopleā especially guysā in a casual way. but when you live as a woman you can spend a lot more time dodgingĀ menās attention rather than soliciting itā¦Ā
maybe male poledancing is like, the next big fad to cash in on? guys can enjoy getting hit on and girls can enjoy there being a specific space for that, that they, the girls, can leave afterwards.Ā
Iād honestly never considered this before; it makes a lot of sense. *internally recalculates a bunch of stuff*
