Dacey, the she bear

but then when jon DOES finally give in to ygritte’s advances, she teases him for being a “maid”, which he counters with “I was a man of the Night’s Watch” (he was a man. is he still a man? who is he if not a man?). of course the question is, how is jon supposed to have had any experience with sex if he took vows of celibacy under penalty of death at the age of 15? (“No one had ever told Jon just what lords did with their ladies”). how are women expected to get married, have sex, and undergo pregnancy/childbirth when no one ever prepares them for what that means? (see: sansa’s entire storyline). jon did his duty by not asking questions, but he’s still laughed at/emasculated for not knowing the answers. so jon tries to convince himself that it’s all going according to plan (“I had to make her trust me”) and that he actually holds the power in their relationship, despite being keenly aware of how little choice he has (“If I refuse her, she will know me for a turncloak”). but the power clearly lies with ygritte to spare his life, to accept him as one of the free folk, to teach him about sexual pleasure based on her own experiences as an older woman (“Ygritte had been his teacher”) while constantly reminding him that she holds all of the knowledge that he needs (“You know nothing, Jon Snow, but I can show you”). by westerosi standards, jon is her wife. the only time that he actually takes her by surprise is when he performs oral sex on her, which is both the complete centering of female pleasure (finally!) and another instance of jon playing the woman who “gives” pleasure to ygritte.

and ALL of this is happening while jon is simultaneously learning what it means to be a woman who doesn’t fit into a song (via gender inversion with ygritte and his time among the spearwives and other free folk women). he’s playing the part of the “ideal” westerosi woman while being surrounded by women who refuse to conform to that mold, but who are clearly still existing within a different brand of misogyny (based on what we know about the free folk tradition of “stealing” women and even ygritte’s complete unfamiliarity with oral sex being performed on women). so if jon is a woman by westeroi standards, what is he by free folk standards? can he still be a man with ygritte? will he still be a man when he climbs back over the wall?

of course the difference is that jon is not in fact a woman, so when he gets the chance he can simply escape back to the safety of the all-male order of the night’s watch where ygritte (the “man”) can’t follow him. and when she dares to try, a fellow man kills her and leaves jon to hold her as she dies…before jon regains his power as a man and ascends to the role of lord commander. it’s also notable that what permanently “taints” him is not really the fact that he had sex despite his vows, but that he did so with a free folk woman (the “other”, the “unnatural”, the feminine).

Sansa knew all about the sorts of people Arya liked to talk to: squires and grooms and serving girls, old men and naked children, rough-spoken free riders of uncertain birth. Arya would make friends with anybody.

This Mycah was the worst; a butcher’s boy, thirteen and wild, he slept in the meat wagon and smelled of the slaughtering block. Just the sight of him was enough to make Sansa feel sick, but Arya seemed to prefer his company to hers.

. . .

Sansa could never understand how two sisters, born only two years apart, could be so different. It would have been easier if Arya had been a bastard, like their half brother Jon . . . And Jon’s mother had been common, or so people whispered.

. . .

. . . and when they grew hungry, Joffrey found a holdfast by its smoke and told them to fetch food and wine for their prince and his lady.

(AGOT, Sansa I)

and this all culminates in joffrey toying with/hurting mycah just because he’s bored and drunk and he can, while mycah is forced to stand there “trembling” because he’s expected to put up with every violent whim of a prince (even as sansa notes that joffrey’s “commanding tone [] took no notice of the fact that the other was a year his senior”).

contrast that with how arya puts her ENTIRE body into defending mycah, this skinny little girl mustering all of her strength to protect her friend with nothing but a stick against a steel sword. it’s a passionate act in defense of a fellow human being, an act that most of the other characters would only ever reserve for a fellow highborn:

Arya went for him.

Sansa slid off her mare, but she was too slow. Arya swung with both hands. There was a loud crack as the wood split against the back of the prince’s head, and then everything happened at once before Sansa’s horrified eyes.

. . .

She picked up Lion’s Tooth where it had fallen, and stood over him, holding the sword with both hands.

. . .

Arya whirled and heaved the sword into the air, putting her whole body into the throw. The blue steel flashed in the sun as the sword spun out over the river. It hit the water and vanished with a splash. Joffrey moaned. Arya ran off to her horse, Nymeria loping at her heels.

(AGOT, Sansa I)

it’s also a nice little throwback to arya’s very first chapter when jon says, “I doubt you could even lift a longsword, little sister, never mind swing one” (AGOT, Arya I). now of course longtooth is lighter than a regular longsword because it’s “adroitly shrunken to suit a boy of twelve”, but arya is still a skinny nine-year-old girl who not only lifts but THROWS it into the river. plus the whole reason that arya is out there practicing swordplay with a partner in the first place is because of jon’s advice, and he would have been so proud to see that she CAN in fact lift a longsword…and that she does so in defense of her friend mycah.