it all goes back and back

agot; chapter xxvi, jon iv

i have a post somewhere in my first liveblog about how gilly's perpetual listless misery after she is separated from her baby is seen as particularly disturbing and uncouth by everyone around her because she is making her grief too obvious. it is specifically against westerosi culture to identify yourself as scared or sad or alone. it's a theme with sam ofc, who people just see as being outwardly pathetic, but also very strongely a theme with theon who is so visibly tortured and broken, and then with jeyne who cannot stop weeping, and with gilly. when people are hurt in westeros that is one thing, but when people are too obvious about their hurts that is another. even if someone is not blamed for being harmed, they are blamed for being too obvious about the harm that was caused them.

it sort of goes directly against the famous tyrionism:

agot; chapter v, jon i

if knowing what you are involves acknowledging how badly you've been hurt, no amount of owning up to it will earn you anything but scorn

to me this is a westerosi social convention that is separate from how poorly they treat people with visible physical disabilities. it's not a judgement on who you are inherently (a dwarf, a bastard, a cripple, etc.) it's a judgement on... a judgment on what is regarded as "wallowing". indulging too deeply in your own hurt. shamefully bringing your hurt to the awareness of others rather than stuffing it down.

first, sansa logics out her own disassociation/trauma response as a sign of her good breeding. she is saddened by watching the young knight die, impaled on gregor's lance, but she is not overtly emotional. she initially points to her calm, measured response as a sign of her good breeding, but then admits that she thinks she has used up all her sadness in mourning for lady and bran.

i have an old post from my previous liveblog where i talk about this same excerpt in terms of sansa and jeyne's class divide, and i think i have a better understanding of it, now, in terms of westerosi expectations of behavior regarding surpressing negative emotions, not just in sansa's feeling of separation from jeyne and from tourney knights as a noble lady.

then, we see that sansa is incredibly perceptive about the people around her.

she sees through littlefinger's smile.

she sees through moonboy's reputation as a simpleton.

she even catches joffrey's own disassociative response to his father's violent outburst.

so we can see very clearly that sansa is empathetic and perceptive. she sees the truth that other people may not notice. and yet she purposefully turns away from it. she adjusts her own internal dialogue to reflect, not her true feelings, but what a lady would be expected to feel in this situation.

^ clearest example here is sansa retraining herself not to hate joffrey, but to hate cersei and arya instead. hating two women in her household is safe. is socially acceptable. is something she can deal with. hating her betrothed? prince of the seven kingdoms? the best possible marital match she could ever hope to have? the prince of her dreams? not something sansa can deal with. not something she has a social script for. not something she is going to feel.

this noblewoman's courtesy of aversion and avoidance is spelled out most clearly and also strained most severely by sansa's interactions with the hound:

and much like her baby sister arya is taught to look AND to see, sansa here is forced to look AND to see, rather than to look without seeing (like she will do later on with ned's tared head on a spike)

- Anjal Prakash, the former research director at the Bharti Institute of Public Policy

I'd also like to elevate this linked study from the article:

"this is your body"

not even 'do you like it.' not 'are you sure?'

do you accept it? yeah--what other choice is there?

"this is your body"

not even 'do you like it.' not 'are you sure?'

do you accept it? yeah--what other choice is there?

"this is your body"

not even 'do you like it.' not 'are you sure?'

do you accept it? yeah--what other choice is there?

"this is your body"

not even 'do you like it.' not 'are you sure?'

do you accept it? yeah--what other choice is there?

"this is your body"

not even 'do you like it.' not 'are you sure?'

do you accept it? yeah--what other choice is there?

"this is your body"

not even 'do you like it.' not 'are you sure?'

do you accept it? yeah--what other choice is there?

"this is your body"

not even 'do you like it.' not 'are you sure?'

do you accept it? yeah--what other choice is there?