Curls in China

Esther. photographs of Bri Watson, Elliot Porcher, Sage Cassell-Rosenberg, and Rachel Sadaty-Ellerson by Luis Mercedes Winter for the "Flowers for Our People" exhibition, 2026. the exhibition was directed by Sage Cassell-Rosenberg and produced by Is Perlman with assistance from Ariella Cohen. Saffron Mala Kaplan provides a written reflection for this piece:

Taiwanese Red Bamboo Ratsnake (Oreocryptophis porphyraceus kawakamii), family Colubridae, Taiwan

Cult of the Star

Zuhair Murad haute couture ss 20 , Schiaparelli haute couture ss 22, Balmain rtw ss 23, Tex Saverio haute couture 12

I periodically think my milk is filled with slugs and larvae, even though I know rationally, that's not the case. Most days, I can work through that by reminding myself that I live with other people who also drink the milk, and if there were bugs in it, someone else would have noticed, so it's more logical that I'm just hallucinating.

However, the worse psychosis gets, the ability to logic like that can become more difficult. I might start thinking things like "they're only pretending to drink the milk to trick me" or something. They're not, and the milk is fine, but... the brain fills in the gaps of the logic with whatever it can to preserve the delusion.

Delusions often sound completely ridiculous on the outside, but when you're in the delusional state, it feels completely rational, often in ways you can't fully explain.

Amanda Root + Ciarán Hinds in PERSUASION (1995), dir. Roger Michell

“I must go, uncertain of my fate; but I shall return hither, or follow your party, as soon as possible. A word, a look, will be enough to decide whether I enter your father’s house this evening or never.”

– Jane Austen, Persuasion (1818).

What a red flag actually means: something here is an indicator of a potential problem (but might be fine with a reasonable explanation)

What people have now decided it means: abuse

I've lost count of the number of times I've now had to read variants of "My partner takes all my money and gives me back an allowance because he says it's a man's job to control finances, but he's racking up gambling debts" being met with "Wow this man is a walking red flag" no Becky that is abuse. That is not an indicator. He is an abuser. Call the police. We have lost the concept of a proxy: a thing that indicates a more important thing. And it's relevant to this conversation because I'm actually going to go out on a limb here:

With the obvious exception of paedophilia, age gaps themselves aren't a problem at all - they are a proxy for the actual harmful phenomenon. Hea me out, let me explain

The reason we don't like age gaps is because of the implied power dynamic. If one partner, usually male, is older than other - particularly if the other is still quite young - the risk is that what we're seeing is a worldly wise predator who is exploiting the lack of life experience of a young beautiful woman by mentally abusing her until she's no longer young and pretty enough to satisfy, at which point he'll move on to the next. There have been enough examples of this in human history. It's unfortunately not an uncommon pattern. Genders can also be diverse in this scenario

We can't necessarily see that dynamic from the outside. But we CAN see an inherent element of it: the ages of the people involved. So age becomes a proxy for the abuse. And, hey, it's often correct.

But here's the thing: the ages themselves are not causing harm.

The power dynamic is. The abuse is.

Plenty of age gap relationships are loving, healthy and steadfast. Two people met and genuinely fell in love regardless of the outer packaging, and have a relationship with all the highs and lows and challenges and rewards as any more traditional pairing. This happens all the time

Is the age gap a red flag? Sure! It indicates a potential issue.

Is it inherently abusive? Absolutely fucking not.

OP is right - we need to stop focusing just on the numbers and twisting the facts to fit by infantilising the younger partners, and start focusing on the actual harms. The DiCaprio Pattern of only dating under 24s repeatedly is itself a proxy, too, actually - but a much stronger one than the simple presence of an age gap.

(Even so, in DiCaprio's case, until any of his former partners come forward and describe him as abusive, actually, even that is up in the air - my personal interpretation, given how strong a pattern it is, is that he's a loser who views women as trophies (consciously or not). If any have come forward and I don't know about it, of course, fair enough. But those women were adults capable of making their own decisions, even if they might later come to regret it. And regretting poor decisions is part of life! That's how it goes, particularly with relationships. As long as they weren't abused, there's no biggie. And just as he was looking for young-and-beautiful, there's no way they weren't, on some level, looking for rich-and-famous; it goes both ways.)

Also, another element of this: I think a lot of modern extreme puritan discourse on this is actually ironically down to the age of those taking part. Up until your late 20s, ten years is actually a huge span of time to you, because in your own life you were in a completely different developmental phase ten years ago (teenager), and a completely different phase again ten years before that (child). That skews your sense of what a ten-year gap means. Whereas once you're in your 30s and beyond, ten years is like. Yeah I was an adult ten years ago, and I still am now. That's two adults. Who cares.