Don't prod the beach rubble.

making every conversation into being about The Character with the same reliability and conviction of a youth pastor going “you know who else partied? our lord and savior”

never kill yourself. you have to fill your mutuals dash with shit they don't care about forever, okay?

“We should nuke them” “No, no, I’m telling you: carpet bombs would save money”

Calico out there putting tuxedo on the mats

My greatest condolences go out to Lindsey Graham’s secret sugar baby. He should have retired to a golf course and spent all his money on you, but now you’re probably cut out of the will cause he was a huge closet case. 😔

I can't believe he's dead. It feels like just yesterday Lindsay Graham and I were just young boys playing down by the creek. "CT buddy, one day I'm gonna start a war with Iran" he would tell me, "and then by god I'm gonna immediately lose and die." Well look where we are now old friend. Look where we are now.

let's reintroduce "rude" to the lexicon no that person is not evil or morally bankrupt or even your enemy they're just being rude

and, look, I’m not complaining, not at all, but this is why it’s very important to be abundantly clear and specific with your Etsy witch.