around me black bats dive up from the dark.

you're not trying to write today. you're trying to look at the document.

it's a new document with the chapters you've managed to revise this year.

it can't hurt you. I know you feel very scared but this is genuinely one of those exposure therapy things.

let's set a timer. seven minutes, like the exercise bike at PT. just look at the file.

you don't want to consign this story. if you approach it slowly and take your time and build up brief, positive experiences, it'll become one of your projects again instead of A Monument.

give yourself some Habitica habit rewards afterwards.

you can journal after, if you want, or do anything else that seems fun.

you feel unsettled, restless, indecisive, uneasy.

things you sometimes need

some chill time.

some food

some writing time

some chewier writing time

the feeling of Doing Something.

we absolutely cannot tell which one of these right now is. we just had a cookie so I think if we needed more food we'd be more likely to know.

and sometimes nebulous Do Thing is secretly Tired Tantrum.

and we could be tired despite how much resting we did yesterday. yesterday we were at 1% battery for much of the day. we could be at 30% battery today going "well, I feel better than yesterday, time to do things!"

yeah. we looked at Scrivener and it didn't feel good to look at.

breakfast.

cereal (cinnamon toast crunch, cheerios, rice krispies)

toast with cream cheese or peanut butter

cinnamon toast

toaster strudel

lunch/dinner

breakfast sausage (you want like 2-3 packages)

frozen fries

egg rolls

salami/turkey sandwiches

grocery store sushi (if applicable)

check out the deli section

you'd love to have another edible frozen thing in the rotation. take a look at the instacart options.

snacks

chips. you are totally out of chips. get at least 3 chips.

you are also out of Oreos

nutter butters.

try a New Snack. for morale.

snacking cheese

fruit. mango. nectarines are in season. watermelon

baby carrots

check on

condition of bread

condition of cream cheese.

is there anything in your freezer that can be trashed?

you probably don't have lunch meat, but check

fridge trash purge also.

do you have nutter butters?

how are the existing carrots doing?

you need

cheerios

rice krispies

breakfast sausage

frozen fries

grocery store sushi/deli options

lunch meat unless you don't

bread and cream cheese unless you don't.

three familiar chips and New Chips

oreos

nutter butters unless you don't.

sour cream.

nectarines

mango

watermelon

baby carrots unless you don't.

separate from groceries you need

pyrex dishes again.

place your Performance order.

(do not tell me to fire my therapist. I am not at that stage of reacting to the situation. if you want to respond, feel free to validate emotions but I do not want action steps today. we're just trying to figure out how I feel and how I might articulate how I feel.)