got home from a weekend with my parents yesterday. 3.5 days and I got home overstimulated, reactive, and hungry.
it's a miracle I survived to eighteen and not just because of the medical neglect.
at least they are not present in the oubliette. at least I can buy my own groceries.
and the thing about reparenting yourself is that you have to do it consistently. if you want your body to tell you when you're hungry or in pain, you have to respond when it does.
you have to eat even though they think you eat too much. you have to rest even though they think you rest too much. every time.
sometimes I get frustrated because it feels like I have a lot of needs.
I get hungry several times a day, sometimes only an hour or two after the last time I eat. probably that's normal.
I'm in pain a lot of the time. more often than not. maybe always. I'm very reactive. I get overstimulated and tired very easily and it takes me longer than I want to regulate/re-charge.
I used to not notice/respond to a lot of the things they say/do and now it hurts my feelings every time. probably that's normal, too.
when Zoe first met them, my dad drove us twenty minutes back from the train station and she counted how many times he called me stupid, spoiled, or selfish. he wasn't mad at me, either. he was being affectionate.
I'd registered one or two mean comments but I didn't care and I was surprised by the number just because it seemed like a lot to get through in twenty minutes.
they haven't gotten nicer, although they keep telling me they're "walking on eggshells" now.
"we're trying so hard not to upset you" are you?
anyway. the thing is, I can see why you would train your child not to notice pain or hunger or sensory overload or cruelty. like, as an adult I'm always doing things like objecting to their comments or asking for a snack or saying no.
or telling the truth when my dad asks how my back feels today. he wants me to say "better today!" after two days of PT exercises and one appointment. that's not true, though, so I said "about the same" and he said "maybe a little better?" and I said "it's about the same most days."
it wouldn't offend me that he desperately wants to hear that I'm feeling better if he didn't get what he wanted when I was a kid by teaching me not to notice I was suffering.
and I did notice I was suffering! but in an iceberg way.
anyway. I am committed to responding to my needs when I notice them. as often as possible. treating myself the way I want her to have been treated. consistently. even when it gets me looks or comments or it's tiring.
because the alternative is mean. and also going to kill me. but mostly, it's mean. I wouldn't treat someone I loved that way.
jbbartram-illu
dededos
germansingergirl
kianamaiart
annaxmalina
andulkaphoto
