around me black bats dive up from the dark.

she's reading an article about medicine and the vestibular system (she has disabling vertigo since December)

and she read a quote out loud about how there needs to be more research and treatment options and I didn't immediately respond and she went "it's an ignored field of medicine just like my family is ignoring me"

and then I said something vaguely sympathetic and then my dad was sort of rude about how she should be focusing on "positive news" instead of feeling bad about "the state of the industry," which would upset me very much if he said it to me.

like, she doesn't have any positive news to focus on. she has a husband who centers himself whenever anyone near him is having a problem and is openly resentful whenever either of us asks for disability-related help with something.

I can feel the space in my heart where the sympathy should go for a chronically ill person who feels screwed over by the healthcare system. and her only support for dealing with this is my dad.

except

can you imagine if I complained out loud about being sick? if I asked for sympathy out loud like that?

can you imagine if I accused them of not listening to me? of not being kind? of not being sympathetic?

anyway, I hate them. it feels like I'm betraying my disability justice principles when I get frustrated with how my mom is handling her new chronic illness but like.

when my dad left the room, I told her the thing he said was rude and dismissive and she thanked me.

she just lets my dad say shit to me. when she's not saying shit to me herself.

everyone deserves care and support. my mom deserves more care and support than she is getting.

I am putting my shoes on. they're crocs. even with my badhands, it will only take a few seconds but I do need to pay attention to execute basically any motor plan

my dad: do you have everything in your beach bag?

the clock has reset on shoes

me: I'll check when I've put my shoes on, gimmie a sec.

I am putting on my shoes.

my dad walks over and physically puts the beach bag in my eyeline, held open so I can see inside and tell him if I need anything else.

the clock has reset on shoes and also we have added several seconds of Calm Down to the clock.

me: that's everything. let me put on my shoes.

I am putting on my shoes.

my dad: can I walk down to the beach without you?

the clock has reset on shoes.

me: that's fine, go ahead.

I am putting on my shoes. there are three more call-and-responses about whether it's really okay for him to walk down without me and he's totally fine waiting. the shoes clock gets reset three more times.

I get snappy. he doesn't make a thing about it this time. he goes to the beach. I will catch up.

I put on my shoes and spend two full minutes breathing/organizing my podcast library. when I walk the two blocks, he is waiting for me at the entrance to the beach.

could this interaction have been perhaps more efficient? yes.

also much less stressful, at least for me!

figure out how to do the cones in roll20

have a Skade handy in case you need them (masked).

also a Dark

also a giant bird

a magic door

also a background for if someone walks through Brynn's door

Mereck

what do we NOT need

Wyllt

Hungry Bess

the other two PCs

ten gnolls (they're not here yet)

the next delve, which could be, in fact, several delves.

Elowyn (she'll turn up)

true forms for the NPC witches.

a plan for the Wormery. if Brynn goes there, we will explore it Session 7 and that's that on that.

truly, madly, deeply optional

a goose.

a train system map.

technology heartseed

you're not ready for your new solo campaign yet. and I don't want to dive into "necromancer" until you've had a breather words time

options

Heart homework. Prescience minigame. the recap. (redacted)

sad paladin

dungeon world. time to talk to a shitty wizard.

setting brainstorm notes on continuous function. this may be a good option. highlight this one with the sparkly emote.

you took a klonopin this morning because you had a panic attack and now you can't design a minigame when what you really need is the baclofen you can't have in the same day as the klonopin.

I know this is frustrating. I know you're already dysregulated and realizing this is making you worse.

don't decide your life is unlivable just yet.

you wrote yesterday, remember a few days ago when you finished your Fast Heart draft? you were full of joy.

your laptop is in your bedroom right now. sleep with your laptop in your bedroom tonight. get your 500 words in before you even go downstairs to the kitchen for brunchfast. if your dad hears you typing through your closed door and demands an audience, he is being an asshole.

if you can get to sleep at a reasonable hour tonight, set an alarm for 7AM because then you can say "I woke up this early on purpose to get my word count in before the party" and just sort of repeat variants of that until he closes your door.

there. we have reframed the goal for today such that it's "bed at a reasonable hour" and that feels achievable.

the klonopin wasn't a bad choice. you were spiraling. it does mean you can't have the baclofen now, though. sorry.

there are too many unfair things. but before we settle into despair, let's try waking up at 7AM and banging out 500 words.

I am choosing not to look at Tumblr until late next week when I will no longer be in my parents' tiny summer house because of I'm insane in this environment and I need not to see Takes.

I might pop on to make my own posts so feel free to DM me and I'll see it eventually. and if you've got my Discord, I'm always on there. and if you don't have my Discord but we've spoken/exchanged real-life postal mail, hit me up with your Discord, if that is a platform you use.

and then I went "what percentage of the time are you Evil versus what percentage of the time are you Nervous?"

and like, if we use a broad and expansive definition that encompassed 'making people uncomfortable via social overtures' which is not Evil but is something I wish to avoid

I have done that occasionally.

however, I have done "it would be Harmful to communicate with your friend in that way" and been completely and absolutely wrong a bigger number. like. noticeably bigger.

and like, I'm not saying I get to just say whatever and remove all social filters on my communication. but also, nobody is reading this Tumblr post and thinking I am saying that.