my dream is to make a statement so true and verifiable that no one could misinterpret it even fi they were trying.
... Instead of end world hunger? What's wrong with you?
$LAYYYTER
cherry valley forever

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we're not kids anymore.

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my dream is to make a statement so true and verifiable that no one could misinterpret it even fi they were trying.
... Instead of end world hunger? What's wrong with you?

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having the Struggling To Empathize With My Mother emotion again
she's reading an article about medicine and the vestibular system (she has disabling vertigo since December)
and she read a quote out loud about how there needs to be more research and treatment options and I didn't immediately respond and she went "it's an ignored field of medicine just like my family is ignoring me"
and then I said something vaguely sympathetic and then my dad was sort of rude about how she should be focusing on "positive news" instead of feeling bad about "the state of the industry," which would upset me very much if he said it to me.
like, she doesn't have any positive news to focus on. she has a husband who centers himself whenever anyone near him is having a problem and is openly resentful whenever either of us asks for disability-related help with something.
I can feel the space in my heart where the sympathy should go for a chronically ill person who feels screwed over by the healthcare system. and her only support for dealing with this is my dad.
except
can you imagine if I complained out loud about being sick? if I asked for sympathy out loud like that?
can you imagine if I accused them of not listening to me? of not being kind? of not being sympathetic?
anyway, I hate them. it feels like I'm betraying my disability justice principles when I get frustrated with how my mom is handling her new chronic illness but like.
when my dad left the room, I told her the thing he said was rude and dismissive and she thanked me.
she just lets my dad say shit to me. when she's not saying shit to me herself.
everyone deserves care and support. my mom deserves more care and support than she is getting.
but not from me! because I don't have it! what I have instead is PTSD.
If you're writing anything involving cons, scams, heists, or morally questionable characters who are very good at lying, here are some free resources I've been using for research. Saving you the "why is this in my search history" anxiety.
1. The FBI's Famous Cases & Criminals archive (fbi.gov/history/famous-cases) has detailed breakdowns of real fraud cases, Ponzi schemes, and confidence operations. The language they use is clinical and precise, which is perfect for getting the procedural details right.
2. The FTC Consumer Sentinel Network publishes annual reports on the most common fraud tactics in the US. Great for understanding how modern scams actually work and what makes people fall for them.
3. The Smithsonian's American Art Museum has a free digital collection of forgery case studies. If your character forges documents or art, this is gold.
4. Court Listener (courtlistener.com) is a free legal database where you can read actual court transcripts from fraud trials. Want to know how a real con artist talks under oath? This is where you find out.
5. The Internet Archive's collection of old newspaper crime sections. Search for "confidence man" or "swindle" in papers from the 1920s through 1960s and you'll find incredible real stories that would feel too dramatic for fiction.
Bonus: The Psychology of Fraud section on the Association for Psychological Science website has accessible articles about why people trust, how deception works cognitively, and what makes someone a convincing liar. Essential reading if you want your con artist characters to feel psychologically real.
Reblog to save for later. Your WIP will thank you.
One fun thing about learning new languages is reconsidering the structure of words and language in your mother tongue. It seems with each new language I study, I get more little insights into English, either in how it's similar or how it's different.
For example, a couple years ago, while learning Spanish, I encountered the word for a store, "la tienda." I thought "huh, that's a lot like tener (tiene) - the word for store in Spanish literally corresponds to 'to have/keep'. How interesting!"
Then I stopped for a moment, and for the first time in my life, thought about seriously about the meaning of English word for the place where you buy things, "a store."
scenes from the beach house
I am putting my shoes on. they're crocs. even with my badhands, it will only take a few seconds but I do need to pay attention to execute basically any motor plan
my dad: do you have everything in your beach bag?
the clock has reset on shoes
me: I'll check when I've put my shoes on, gimmie a sec.
I am putting on my shoes.
my dad walks over and physically puts the beach bag in my eyeline, held open so I can see inside and tell him if I need anything else.
the clock has reset on shoes and also we have added several seconds of Calm Down to the clock.
me: that's everything. let me put on my shoes.
I am putting on my shoes.
my dad: can I walk down to the beach without you?
the clock has reset on shoes.
me: that's fine, go ahead.
I am putting on my shoes. there are three more call-and-responses about whether it's really okay for him to walk down without me and he's totally fine waiting. the shoes clock gets reset three more times.
I get snappy. he doesn't make a thing about it this time. he goes to the beach. I will catch up.
I put on my shoes and spend two full minutes breathing/organizing my podcast library. when I walk the two blocks, he is waiting for me at the entrance to the beach.
could this interaction have been perhaps more efficient? yes.
also much less stressful, at least for me!
he did the same thing this morning re: insisting that I check my phone calendar while I was in the middle of sending a text. it was less annoying because he did not physically put an object directly in my face but it was also more annoying than warranted because I am, cumulatively, a little activated by now.

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what do we need for the game next Sunday (not for gators)
figure out how to do the cones in roll20
have a Skade handy in case you need them (masked).
also a Dark
also a giant bird
a magic door
also a background for if someone walks through Brynn's door
Mereck
what do we NOT need
Wyllt
Hungry Bess
the other two PCs
ten gnolls (they're not here yet)
the next delve, which could be, in fact, several delves.
Elowyn (she'll turn up)
true forms for the NPC witches.
a plan for the Wormery. if Brynn goes there, we will explore it Session 7 and that's that on that.
truly, madly, deeply optional
a goose.
a train system map.
technology heartseed
altar, bottle, small tree.
writing for tomorrow morning.
you're not ready for your new solo campaign yet. and I don't want to dive into "necromancer" until you've had a breather words time
options
Heart homework. Prescience minigame. the recap. (redacted)
sad paladin
dungeon world. time to talk to a shitty wizard.
setting brainstorm notes on continuous function. this may be a good option. highlight this one with the sparkly emote.
just some notes noodling on the twine game.
hey, friend. you might not get to hit your word count today because your spine pain is too bad.
you took a klonopin this morning because you had a panic attack and now you can't design a minigame when what you really need is the baclofen you can't have in the same day as the klonopin.
I know this is frustrating. I know you're already dysregulated and realizing this is making you worse.
don't decide your life is unlivable just yet.
you wrote yesterday, remember a few days ago when you finished your Fast Heart draft? you were full of joy.
your laptop is in your bedroom right now. sleep with your laptop in your bedroom tonight. get your 500 words in before you even go downstairs to the kitchen for brunchfast. if your dad hears you typing through your closed door and demands an audience, he is being an asshole.
if you can get to sleep at a reasonable hour tonight, set an alarm for 7AM because then you can say "I woke up this early on purpose to get my word count in before the party" and just sort of repeat variants of that until he closes your door.
there. we have reframed the goal for today such that it's "bed at a reasonable hour" and that feels achievable.
the klonopin wasn't a bad choice. you were spiraling. it does mean you can't have the baclofen now, though. sorry.
there are too many unfair things. but before we settle into despair, let's try waking up at 7AM and banging out 500 words.
once there are words, they can't take the words from you.
hello friends.
I am choosing not to look at Tumblr until late next week when I will no longer be in my parents' tiny summer house because of I'm insane in this environment and I need not to see Takes.
I might pop on to make my own posts so feel free to DM me and I'll see it eventually. and if you've got my Discord, I'm always on there. and if you don't have my Discord but we've spoken/exchanged real-life postal mail, hit me up with your Discord, if that is a platform you use.
also, like, you can text me if you have my phone number but if you have my phone number Tumblr probably is not your primary mode of communicating with me anyway..
I THINK LOVE IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS TO OTHER PEOPLE by Michael Gray Bulla

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this morning I wanted to initiate a communication with a friend and, for reasons, was not doing that because I thought it was Evil.
and then I went "what percentage of the time are you Evil versus what percentage of the time are you Nervous?"
and like, if we use a broad and expansive definition that encompassed 'making people uncomfortable via social overtures' which is not Evil but is something I wish to avoid
I have done that occasionally.
however, I have done "it would be Harmful to communicate with your friend in that way" and been completely and absolutely wrong a bigger number. like. noticeably bigger.
and like, I'm not saying I get to just say whatever and remove all social filters on my communication. but also, nobody is reading this Tumblr post and thinking I am saying that.
nobody is doing this shit. stop hitting yourself.
I do think the ability to emoji-react is a net win for human communication. not only does it give you an outlet for 'I see and acknowledge this but don't have a verbal response' but it also adds a pleasing alethiometer element to things
my coworker announces that he's off to the dentist. someone reacts with a tooth emoji. is this a statement of dentist solidarity? a wish for my coworker to return with more (or fewer?) teeth than he set out with? simple word association? who can say
Do you know how to calculate the odds for Exalted 3e style dice rolls- i.e. cases where the highest number is a double success? I used to think that it was equivalent to just rolling a d11, because one tenth of the time you get an extra success, but I don't know if that logic actually holds water.
Not quite, no.
In general, the odds for a dice pool system where a given die can produce varying numbers of hits need to be calculated as though you were calculating the odds for a sum of identical dice (i.e., NdX) where the faces have non-standard numbering. For example, the odds for an Exalted dice pool are equivalent to taking the sum of Nd10, where each d10 has six faces marked "0", three faces marked "1", and one face marked "2". Effects which change the target number to something other than 7, or which allow doubling of results other than 10, adjust these proportions accordingly.
Calculating the odds of a sum of arbitrarily numbered dice by hand is possible, but it's a big pain in the butt, since you need to convolve the generating function of the die's result distribution. (Don't worry if you don't know what that means – they don't cover it in high school!) Fortunately, most dice calculator apps have a simple notation for such dice. For example, on anydice.com, an unmodified Exalted die can be notated as "d{0,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,1,2}". Thus, the program:
output 5d{0,0,0,0,0,0,1,1,1,2}
... would give you the odds for a pool of five dice with target number 7, doubling 10s. If you have a TN of 6, change one of the zeros to a 1; if you're using a Charm that lets you double 9s, change one of the 1s to another 2; and so forth. This even works for dice pools subject to effects that cause certain results to subtract hits; for example, if your enemy has whammied you with a Charm that causes your 1s and 2s to cancel successes, just replace a couple of 0s with -1s.
(It gets slightly more complicated for effects where 1s cause you to discard dice rather than subtract successes, since you could theoretically be discarding a die that generated multiple successes. That's a rare enough edge case that it almost never comes up, though.)
Clear as mud?
One of my personal game design white whales is an OSR game that takes the modern roguelike "core advancement schema is constrained to single runs, plus some sort of auxiliary metaprogression based on rewards for completing runs" and cross-breeds it with the "dungeons are mythic underworlds/fragments of other worlds/living creatures parasitising our reality" conceit that some contemporary OSR games go for to produce a game where the core rules furnish robust character creation procedures but simply have no concept of advancement, incremental or otherwise, and then each individual adventure module has its own context-specific advancement schema which is only effective inside that particular dungeon, and goes away outside of it.
e.g., one dungeon might allow characters to advance by progressively enbodying mythic archetypes to produce something resembling a conventional class-and-level system, save that the "character classes" are specific to that dungeon, and a different dungeon which nominally has the same advancement schema would have a totally different set of playbooks; another might have fully randomised advancement in which player characters acquire weird body-horror mutations that grant mildly game-breaking super powers with no ability to influence which ones they get; and a third might have wholly extrinsic advancement based on acquiring golf-bags full of magic items with oddly specific functions. In each case, progression through the relevant advancement schema would be extremely rapid, such that exploring its full gamut in the span of a single adventure module is feasible, and player characters would "reset to level 1" once that module is complete.
However – and this is the keystone of the entire exercise – we're explicitly not obliging GMs to basically design a whole new game every time they want to roll their own adventure module, because 90% of the text would consist of a long list of modular pieces of advancement schemas which can be plugged together like Lego bricks to produce whatever the dungeon at hand uses, tied together with some sort of monstrous set of Big Stupid Tables which enable advancement schemas to be randomly generated, with the GM's only obligatory responsibility being to invent an aesthetic for the dungeon which justifies these particular elements coming together in this particular configuration.
To pose a particularly silly example, imagine rolling up a new dungeon and getting the schema elements "randomised, non-hierarchical upgrades", "upgrades are intrinsic modifications to the affected character's mind, body, or soul", and "each upgrade is a self-willed NPC and accessing its advanced functions requires persuasion, negotiation, and/or bribery". Is it a biopunk dungeon where characters advance by acquiring talkative parasites with incongruous goofy accents? Is it like a Disco Elysium thing where you advance by learning skills, but the skills are alive? Do you have ghosts in your blood?
Thinking about the kinds of characters who would do that for a living is extremely fun.
The core book's character creation chapter would of course include a Big Stupid Table of potential explanations for why you're doing this to yourself.
@evilweirdo replied:
The cheap lethality of some of these games would absolutely work better in a roguelite kinda thing
Dungeon where the only advancement trigger is "dying".
People always get so weird about my participation in the Flat Earth Advocacy Group. For the last time, we aren't cranks, we aren't conspiracy theorists, we're definitely not geocentrists, and our policy think tank is fully aware of what shape the planet currently is

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Does my magical girl transformation sequence, and when the fireworks clear the genre of the show has transformed into a gritty technothriller with light psychological horror elements just never changes back.
I love it when media fucks up the wording of the Rasputin disclaimer and ends up with shit like "any resemblance to people or locations living or dead is coincidental". I'd love to know what committing libel against a dead location would entail.
Fuck the Fiesta Mall in Mesa, AZ. I heard it ate someone once.
this sea sucks shit. it doesnt even have any scrolls im sure
#Sorry what do you mean “rasputin disclaimer” (via @big-condiments-official)
For once I'm not actually doing a bit; those "any resemblance to real persons living or dead" disclaimers genuinely exist because of Rasputin.
(In brief, the 1932 MGM Studios film Rasputin and the Empress is a dramatisation of the life and times of Grigori Rasputin which is partially adapted from the personal memoirs of Felix Yusupov, one of the principal conspirators responsible for Rasputin's assassination. The film, which was heavily marketed as being based on real events, falsely claims that Rasputin fucked Yusupov's wife, Princess Irina Alexandrovna. As both Yusupov and Princess Irina were still alive at the time, they jointly sued MGM for libel – and won. This is actually, literally the reason the practice of including those disclaimers was taken up.)