around me black bats dive up from the dark.

you feel unsettled, restless, indecisive, uneasy.

things you sometimes need

some chill time.

some food

some writing time

some chewier writing time

the feeling of Doing Something.

we absolutely cannot tell which one of these right now is. we just had a cookie so I think if we needed more food we'd be more likely to know.

and sometimes nebulous Do Thing is secretly Tired Tantrum.

and we could be tired despite how much resting we did yesterday. yesterday we were at 1% battery for much of the day. we could be at 30% battery today going "well, I feel better than yesterday, time to do things!"

yeah. we looked at Scrivener and it didn't feel good to look at.

breakfast.

cereal (cinnamon toast crunch, cheerios, rice krispies)

toast with cream cheese or peanut butter

cinnamon toast

toaster strudel

lunch/dinner

breakfast sausage (you want like 2-3 packages)

frozen fries

egg rolls

salami/turkey sandwiches

grocery store sushi (if applicable)

check out the deli section

you'd love to have another edible frozen thing in the rotation. take a look at the instacart options.

snacks

chips. you are totally out of chips. get at least 3 chips.

you are also out of Oreos

nutter butters.

try a New Snack. for morale.

snacking cheese

fruit. mango. nectarines are in season. watermelon

baby carrots

check on

condition of bread

condition of cream cheese.

is there anything in your freezer that can be trashed?

you probably don't have lunch meat, but check

fridge trash purge also.

do you have nutter butters?

how are the existing carrots doing?

you need

cheerios

rice krispies

breakfast sausage

frozen fries

grocery store sushi/deli options

lunch meat unless you don't

bread and cream cheese unless you don't.

three familiar chips and New Chips

oreos

nutter butters unless you don't.

sour cream.

nectarines

mango

watermelon

baby carrots unless you don't.

separate from groceries you need

pyrex dishes again.

place your Performance order.

(do not tell me to fire my therapist. I am not at that stage of reacting to the situation. if you want to respond, feel free to validate emotions but I do not want action steps today. we're just trying to figure out how I feel and how I might articulate how I feel.)

sometimes they’re just watching a movie. my dad is learning guitar. he’s asking me about dinner

and I can barely hear him over the noise in my bones. what’s that noise?

nothing is happening. they’re just people. they have opinions about ice cream.

if they have committed any infractions at all this week, they were minor. I didn’t like my mother’s tone of voice. I didn’t like my dad’s little joke.

they’re harmless?

what’s wrong with me? these people are so normal.

I don’t think my brother knows. how can he have grown up in a normal house and I have PTSD?

I’m mentally ill. I have been since I was a little kid.

maybe my mom shouldn’t have said that but. it’s all so minor.

why do I think this is their fault? why am I fixated on child abuse?

my parents were a Girl Scout troop leader and a soccer coach.